Yeah, so, to get all Shakespeare on you: a miscarriage is still as painful by any other name (chemical).
I thought it would be “just like getting a period”, as chemical pregnancies are thought to be extremely common and are not accounted for in miscarriage statistics because most women “don’t even know they’re pregnant” (of course they’re not trying) and they get their period, business-as-usual.
I was wrong. Again. Or perhaps, I was atypical. Again.
Inspired by my extreme misery and feeling like I was finally ready to introduce myself to the IF/RPL communities, I wrote my first blog post on 8/01/2013–but I didn’t want my first blog post to be all “doom and gloom” cuz that’s not what I’m about. However, I’d like to share it with you:
“Lets begin with current events: I’m curled up on the couch with a heating pad stuffed down the front of my pants and a box of tissues on the table next to me. A short while ago I got up to pee and wiped and the tissue was pink and I knew this was “it”. I wimpered. I looked at the 5 hpt’s with the faint positives laying on my bathroom counter, and unceremoniously dumped them in the bathroom trash, which was full of hpt’s/opk’s and their packaging so I emptied it into the big kitchen trashcan…at the very bottom were tampon wrappers from my last period, and oddly (or maybe not) they upset me: back to square one.
I knew this was coming; today my period is due and it is like clockwork; my hpt was so faint the untrained eye would never see the line; I was cramping; but most of all I had my betas drawn yesterday and the verdict: 5, which is the absolute lowest you can have and be considered “pregnant”. I was barely pregnant, a “chemical pregnancy”, and upon hearing of my pitiful betas yesterday I had counted my blessings: that I had gotten pregnant unassisted, that it’s happening early (no heartbeat), that it likely wouldn’t throw off my cycle and I could continue ttc uninterrupted…
So I was fucking blindsided by the flood of grief and panic and the physical pain that overwhelmed me as I felt my flow begin. I sobbed uncontrollably. I called my hubs and when he failed to comfort me I texted him like 6 angry pages of texts and dared him to engage me in a fight. He was at work and I swore to him that if he came home and was anything but sweet and supportive that I would break EVERY piece of glass in the house (and I pictured myself actually doing it).
I thought I would be relieved to start my menses on schedule and giddy-up to the next cycle.
But I was awash in emotions and physical pain–worse than my recent miscarriage at 7w2d. WTF. I was so unprepared to feel like…I am losing a baby. Again. Are you ever prepared? I hope I can never answer that question.
So yeah, here I lay, pacified by crappy chinese delivery food and 1/2 a Soma. Nice to meet you ladies. Hope your Saturday sucked less than mine did.”