My Medical Bills (and their direct impact on my marriage and my sanity)

Oooooooo, I’m so fuming mad! And I don’t know exactly whom to direct my anger towards. I’m definitely going to “have it out” with my insurance company. I was just sitting here adding up my stack of medical bills, intending to pay a big chunk of it before we move–do my best to wipe the slate of this tumultuous last year clean, both physically and financially. My husband doesn’t know that the weight of all these bills keeps me up at night. Because I can’t talk to him about it without a fight. He will say sh*tty things to me like “you didn’t even need any of that stuff you just don’t care about wasting money”–do you know how furious that makes me? Do you know how that makes me want to divorce him??? I cannot believe how ignorant he acts when he’s angry (about money).

I didn’t ask for any of this:

1. To move to a place where I cannot find a decent job that treats me with respect and is willing to pay me $12+ per hour (when they can underpay underqualified people $10). We moved here for HIS CAREER and he makes six figures. I found a job and suffered until we were on our feet (we were broke from paying for our wedding) and then I quit (to go back to school). He supports that….until things like my medical bills come up and then he is mean and disrespectful. Predictably.

2. I didn’t ask to get pregnant. I don’t regret it and I’m thankful it happened even though it ended sadly, but at the time it happened our marriage was shaky and I intended to wait until it was stronger, plus I had plans to start nursing school and get most of the way through before we started ttc. Technically, he is responsible for ALL of this, because he didn’t pull out (during sex), which is why I got pregnant, and the pregnancy is what caused me to get so sick (necessitating all these bills). This is how my husband fights–with finger-pointing and shaming/blaming. So he can chew on this (yes I do sink to his level, can’t beat ’em join ’em).

3. I didn’t ask to have my doctors scare the sh*t out of me when I got my post-partum diagnostic tests back…I had NO idea what was happening to me and I was scared for myself and scared for a future pregnancy (as I desperately wanted to be pregnant again). So of course I let them take the 30 viles of blood for that autoimmune panel. And then I got a bill for $857 that I hadn’t bargained for.

4. I didn’t ask to be referred from doctor to doctor to doctor, but that’s what kept happening…I was bounced around like a pinball, and I didn’t know until afterwards how USELESS some of these doctors and some of the tests they ordered were. I’m not psychic.

If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve avoided some of those doctors and tests–I have regrets. But at the time, I decided to be proactive and pursue all testing in the name of answers. In the name of not having a second (or more) miscarriage–which ended up happening anyway.

Yeah, so, I didn’t ASK for my immune system to go berzerk and then require all kinds of diagnostic testing to pinpoint WTF was going wrong. I surely didn’t ASK for my miscarriages–they broke my heart.

But now I have to ASK my husband for the money to pay these $2200 of bills that have accumulated (on top of at least $2000 we’ve already paid). And really, since I’ve probably racked up closer to…well I’d say closer to $50,000 worth of medical bills, maybe more, just in the last 12 months…I think we need to count our blessings instead of our bills–that I’m ok, that we only have $2k instead of $50k hanging over our heads.
But my husband will only see the $2200. He will accuse me of squandering his money like I’m buying a fur coat. He will not even consider that NOT ONLY have I had to go through the wringer of chronic illness and miscarriage, and NOT ONLY do I feel horribly stressed and pained to part with the money, but yes, he fails to see how sh*tty and futile it is for him to take it out on me.

And then the next day, he will be like “so tell me how much money you need in the account”, no apology. Why does he have to make me scream and cry and shout and say mean sh*t back to him? Why can’t we just skip that part of his repertoire and go straight to “lets deal with this”??? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE THIS SO HARD?

I’m going to show him his medical bills FIRST, because his total about $1000, so maybe that will curb the finger-pointing “you racked up these bills because you just love going to doctors” lunatic bullsh*t that he pulls. He “squandered” plenty himself.

Hey, and I am NOT looking for sympathy here–believe me I stick up for myself and say what’s on my mind (and if I’m really pissed, I break his beer mugs). I guess what I’m looking for is…well…does anybody else’s husband try to guilt and shame them about their medical bills? Or am I the only one? And, have any of you argued with your insurance over diagnostic tests? Any advice on arguing with insurance companies is appreciated, cuz I’m not sure where to start. The lady on the phone was no help at all–suggested I write a letter of appeal. Thanks in advance ladies. XO

**UPDATE** I just talked to Mr. MLACS on the phone, and just came right out and told him that I had been sifting through our medical bills but that I don’t have the energy to fight. He asked how much, and I told him his and then mine, and told him we don’t need to pay the 2 or 3 most expensive bills now, but it would be best to get rid of many smaller ones that have added up. Shockingly, he just said…”OK”. I don’t know if this indicates that we are growing as a couple or that he read my blog (he probly didn’t read it) or what…but that’s a relief. Now we’ll see what happens when he sees the bills and it’s time to write the checks…

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8 thoughts on “My Medical Bills (and their direct impact on my marriage and my sanity)

  1. I’m sorry this is adding so much stress to your marriage :(. I don’t have a lot of useful suggestions on that front, but as far as the insurance stuff, the one thing to make sure of is that they code it correctly. Don’t get me started on how unfair it is to those with other forms of infertility, but most plans don’t cover tests to investigate medically defined infertility, but they will pay for tests to investigate miscarriages. I ran in to this because certain tests are used for both (like AMH). So, if the test is rejected as ‘investigation of infertility’ you should definitely fight that (not yourself, just have to get the doctor’s office to re-code it and resubmit it correctly). Not sure if this is remotely helpful, but just thought I’d mention it because I’ve run in to it a few times now.

    • You are helpful! Thanks. The $857 autoimmune panel was ordered by my Rheumatologist under code 795.79 “unspecified autoimmune”. The insurance covered most of it (there were 3 pages of tests) but there were a couple the insurance didnt want to pay for–deemed “unneccesary”. I’d like to find out if they might be covered under a different code, but haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m fortunate that my insurance covers all diagnostic infertility testing, but I’ve already run into situations with my RE–I chose to do unmonitored Clomid cycles because I didn’t want to pay OOP for ultrasounds (I’ve done bloodwork though). I hope we don’t have to do injectables, etc. (hope to avoid those fights). Thank you!

  2. I’ve just been re-directed to this post after reading your most recent one. I recently suffered a miscarriage and instead of finding words of hope about pregnancy in what you say, I have instead found words of solace in the way you describe your husband. Mine is exactly the same! My grief over our loss is out of all proportion, according him, it’s not a big deal and it’s actually quite a “good thing.” Baffling!
    I may just take your advice and let him read my posts πŸ˜‰

    • So sorry for your loss! Since it was recent, maybe your hubs is denying your feelings of sadness and loss, because he is not ready to deal with his own feelings, or because he just desperately doesn’t want to see you sad. Whatever the case, not dealing with grief doesn’t make it go away. It’s good for you to blog about it & get support from ladies who understand. I’m glad my post inspired you! Wishing you the best.

      • I plucked up the courage to talk to him about it last night and he admitted that his reluctance to talk about it is because he doesn’t like seeing me upset. He’s just a typical bloke at the end of the day; ignore it and it’ll go away! Thank you for your kind words – your post may have just saved my marriage!

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