Moving

Hey ladies, figured I’d throw an update out there, in case you were wondering. I’m not going to do the “warning, pregnancy mentioned” cautions on my posts anymore–I think those of you who needed to have unfollowed me, and those of you who are still with me are expecting an update.

Obviously, the puppy is doing well! He goes to “puppy daycare” 1-2 days per week for a few hours, so he can run around and play with other pups. He loves it! So do I–he comes home exhausted 😉 I have a Halloween costume for him and he LOVES people so I think I’ll tag along with friends with kids and take him trick-or-treating 🙂

Mr. MLACS has been home with us the past couple of weeks. We’ve been busy, but there was one thing I was really looking forward to–the pumpkin festival. I wrote about the pumpkin festival last year (Click HERE to read that post) and it was painful for me to be there amongst all the preggos and families–I had hoped to have a baby in my arms this year…but instead I had a bump. I held Mr. MLACS’s hand as we strolled through the festival. I ate warm sugary pecans and I bought my baby girl a tutu and a headband–just because. Sounds like an average day but it was literally a dream-come-true for me.

We are moving on Halloween (to the house pictured above)–found a 3 bedroom house with a nice fenced backyard in a nice neighborhood for a good price (renting–not ready to buy yet). Mr. MLACS won’t be here, so we’ve hired movers to do the lifting. I still have to pack…uhg. But I cannot wait to plop a pumpkin on our front porch and call it home (at least until June, at which time the lease will be negotiated, we will buy it, or we will *sigh* move again).

We had our anatomy scan yesterday. I was nervous, as I’ve had some anxiety lately that was not present in the first trimester. I’ve only felt her move a handful of times. My Ulcerative Colitis has been “kicking it up a notch” and I’ve feared a full-on flare–but I think I’ve got it under control now, with nightly enemas (yay!)

But then I saw her today, with her body folded in half and her long legs kicked over her head–the sonographer joked she was doing a yoga pose. I saw her spine, her brain, her heart, her tummy, her kidneys…I smiled and exhaled the breath I’ve been holding these past couple of weeks. She measures right at 20 weeks and everything looks normal. I can still hardly believe it. I’m so, so grateful.

I gained 3lbs these past 4 weeks but I’m still down -1lb from my pre-pregnancy weight, so that’s not bad. I still take the Zofran for nausea, but I’m down to 4mg once a day (in the evenings before dinner). I had blood work yesterday and happy to say I don’t have anemia (which justifies all the steak I’ve been eating), my TSH is a lovely 1.15, and my blood pressure is fine. I do still have some rectal bleeding and there’s not much I can do about that–it’s debatable whether it’s the combo of hemorrhoids/blood thinners, or if it’s inflammation from my UC. I do my best, and as far as the docs are concerned, I’m doing fine. Still doing my Heparin shots but instead of in my belly I inject on my sides around my hips, where the skin isn’t stretched. Dr. Angel was impressed with how little I’ve bruised, though I do have a couple small ones and some knots.

In other pregnancy news, we had some professional pics taken last week and I’m planning on announcing–I wasn’t sure I would ever announce, but I want the support of family and friends and I want Mr. MLACS to be able to celebrate with his family and friends too (they are all spread out and none are nearby). I should get the picture CD from the photographer today. Plus I thought “Even if something goes wrong, I want to remember this time”.

I considered having a doula. But instead I’m going to train Mr. MLACS as my coach and rely on him and Dr. Angel–but most of all, I will rely on myself. I’ll explain more about the birth plan after I flesh it out. I’m thinking of using the Bradley Method. Also, my counselor/prenatal yoga instructor recommends 2 books by Penny Simkin, called “The Birth Partner” and “Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn”. These are required reading when she teaches doula certification classes so they must be good–I have to go pick up my copies from Barnes & Noble this afternoon.

I have to start thinking and acting as though this baby is really on her way. I’m self-imposing time limits on social media and blogs, so if I’m not around as much it’s because I’m trying to stay off my phone and the computer and focus on the tasks-at-hand. Plus, I don’t even know where I belong anymore, truthfully. I’m trying to figure that out.

To my ladies who are struggling with infertility and loss, my heart goes out to you. I haven’t forgotten how that feels.

To my ladies who’ve gotten BFP’s in the last month or so–YAY! I anxiously await every beta and ultrasound update.

To my ladies who are beyond the 1st trimester (like me), I wish we could commiserate more about the changes we’re going through. It can be lonely being PAIL.

To my ladies who are parenting–thank you for your continued support. I still look forward to your updates! If you have started a new blog, please let me know.

XOXO,

MLACS

#Fail

This is just a note to say that I’m sitting here bawling because I feel like a miserable failure. A horrible mother.

First off, my puppy has been sick and having diarrhea and not drinking enough water. It would seem “they” changed the formula/packaging of his food and he stopped eating it and started barfing it up. So I switched to Blue Buffalo puppy formula, but it appears that:

1. I didn’t do it gradually enough

2. There’s too much protein & fat in it and he doesn’t tolerate it

So my *genius* ass started cooking him a combo of ground turkey + rice + pumpkin. He loves it and it really helped with the diarrhea. But then he had diarrhea this morning. So I looked up pumpkin to see if I might be feeding him too much…according to Ceasar Milan (dog whisperer) *too much vitamin A (in pumpkin) is toxic to dogs* and they shouldn’t be fed more than 2 tablespoons. F*cking awesome. I’ve been feeding him more than a cup a day for the past 5 days. When I read that pumpkin is good for diarrhea I should’ve looked at recommended amounts, but I didn’t even consider that too much could be a problem. He’s ok and it’s really more of a problem long-term or if he had OD’d on a bottle of vitamin A. But still, I’m so disappointed in myself.

And then…

My house is a mess. It’s dirty. Dishes full on both sides of the sink. Clean dishes just sitting in the dishwasher. Hairballs of my hair and pet hair all over the house. Dirty bathrooms–our master bath shower needs a once-over. Dirty bed sheets. Unfolded laundry. Dirty laundry. Floors need vacuming & mopping. My kitchen table is covered in mail and random things.

I’m a *housewife*. WTF is wrong with me that I can’t just accomplish these things? I don’t like cleaning but I HATE a dirty and disorganized house. At what point did I give up?

What do I do all day?

Well lately, look for a house–we are supposed to move at the end of this month *God willing* into a nice rental home with a fenced back yard for the pup. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

The pup gets A LOT of my attention. Playing with him (entertaining him). Keeping him out of things and places he doesn’t belong. Taking him out to potty (constantly) and for walks and play dates and appointments, etc. And when he’s sick with diarrhea I wake up with him every 2 hours in the night (side note: I got to see the lunar eclipse last night).

I’ll have one good day where I get errands done and *some* housework, and then other days I’m just exhausted and all I do is eat & sleep & look after the pets.

Mr. MLACS being gone 16 days and home 12 days is really taking a toll on me. It would help if he was here, even if just to take 1/2 of the puppy responsibility. I feel like a *single mom*. And people keep saying “Wait til the baby comes!” Thanks for that. Because I don’t feel inadequate or anxious enough.

Now I have to pack and move at the end of the month. Mr. MLACS won’t be home during the move so it will just be me supervising the movers. He usually does that.

Also, Mr. MLACS gets home late tomorrow night and he’s been *sick* with a virus and will need to rest. I have SO MANY plans while he is home–important stuff. I was counting on him to take the pup off my hands and help me pack. Will he be up to it? WILL HE GET ME SICK?! I’m already drowning & if I get sick…God forbid.

So yeah. I sat on the couch and had a good cry. Because I suck.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO,

MLACS

MLACS Goes To Camp

**pregnancy mentioned**

Yep. I’ve enrolled myself in “pregnancy camp”.

Bet you didn’t know it existed?

Me neither.

I discovered it by dumb luck (or was it fate? Divine intervention?) when I was on the internet searching for prenatal yoga classes.

Turns out, I discovered what I would describe as a *pregnancy collective*.

They offer all sorts of things. There are 2 types of prenatal yoga (regular and the “birth prep” intense class). There’s 2 varieties of in-depth birth prep courses for couples. You can hook up with a doula. And there’s also counseling**.

I freaked out around 10 weeks pregnant, because I felt alone, overwhelmed, and unprepared for what I was experiencing and what was to come. I decided I wanted to see this counselor, knowing that she (as a seasoned doula and pre-post birth counselor) would understand my issues with being pregnant after RPL/IF. I also suffer from chronic illness, for which I must take medication during pregnancy/breastfeeding/etc. and I wanted to talk about that too because I’m not like other moms–I have to factor my disease and it’s implications into my decisions about birth and mothering. It sucks to have this burden.

As it was, I’ve also opened up to her about my family issues, because I think about them a lot now that I’m adding to my own family. I think about Mr. MLACS’s family issues too. I want to protect my baby from all this dysfunction. I’m sad that I don’t have more to offer her in the way of family–both of our fathers are alive but have turned their backs on us to make new lives with other women. My Mom has passed. His Mom is alive, and a good woman, but she can be pushy and doesn’t really respect my wishes (she won’t address me directly, she’ll just go behind my back & do as she pleases) which now bothers me because I don’t want her undermining me with our kid.

I think counseling is helpful, even if I just go in there and ramble without anything pointed to discuss. And my counselor makes helpful suggestions.

And last night I started the 6 week intense “birth prep” prenatal yoga class. It’s 2 hours long. The first hour is discussion. The second hour is yoga and meditation.

We all sat in a circle on our yoga mats with bolsters, pillows and blankets for comfort and to accommodate various stages of pregnancy. It felt very cozy. You’ll be proud: I volunteered to be the first to introduce myself. I was supposed to say what was joyous about pregnancy and what is difficult. I explained that I had 2 early losses and used ART to get pregnant this time, so I’m grateful/joyous just to be pregnant. And I said my difficulty is: the fear of losing it (the pregnancy). I didn’t cry, but I felt wobbly admitting it.

Most of the other women were “fertiles”–one got pregnant on her honeymoon. It would be easy to hate her, except she cried when she said what she hoped to get from the class: she’s far from home and family, and looking for support and friends. I can imagine being young, newly married, barely employed, and pregnant–that is tough. Another woman also chimed in that she had used ART to conceive, and I was glad I had mentioned it–maybe doing so made her feel better about it.

The yoga was great and I learned stuff–the teacher/counselor talked about how standing up and leaning forward or squatting opens up your pelvis, whereas laying on your back actually makes it harder to give birth. Makes sense. Every little piece of information makes me feel more confident and comfortable.

I hope I make some friends. I’m open to it. Even if they are mostly “fertiles”, I could see during introductions that we all face our own challenges. I almost felt luckier than them–through RPL/IF I have grown as a person and made so many dear friends (you ladies). I wouldn’t wish RPL/IF on anyone, but I’m proud of my battle scars. And I love you guys.

XOXO,
MLACS

It’s A…

GIRL!

I wrote this long post *waxing poetic* but then I remembered:
This is an infertility and loss blog. I used to turn purple with anger thinking “Why are you cluttering my newsfeed with this sh*t? Go start a pregnancy blog with the other fertiles!” So I’m not going to gush. At least, not here, not now. But I figured you’d want to know (I’d want to know) so here it is–I’m carrying a chromosomally normal baby girl. ❤ ❤ ❤