Everybody’s Pregnant But Me (and you)

When I first found out I was pregnant for the first time in February, I didn’t keep it a big secret, for a couple of reasons. First of all, Mr. MLACS was SO excited that he told everyone at work. Second, I didn’t realize how common miscarriage is. Third, I am so blatantly honest about things in my life that I figured I’m not the kind of person to keep secrets. So at 5w5d I invited two of the wives of my husband’s coworkers over to our neighborhood park to play, so the wives could meet each other and introduce their small children to each other–we are not military, but the company moves us a lot and none of us live near our families so we tend to flock together. One of the wives, we’ll call her Dee, is my friend. The other wife, we’ll call her Meme, is not my friend. I told them about my pregnancy and they both talked about their pregnancies and expressed their uncertainties about having another child. I felt like I was finally “one of them”, you know, a SAHM, instead of just a (mediocre) housewife. I would have a new way to bond with other women and make friends, through my pregnancy and then through play dates, soccer games, PTA meetings…I loved feeling part of “The Mommy Club”.
Two days before I had my miscarriage, the hubs came home and announced that Meme is pregnant with their third child! Just a couple weeks behind me! I was slightly irritated for no particular reason. Then I had my miscarriage at 7w2d. I didn’t really mind that Meme was preggo, because I had already decided I didn’t like her and now I had an excuse not to ask her to hang out–I’m sure she just assumed I was devastated that I lost my baby and she was pregnant–so I left it at that.
For whatever reason, I didn’t hear from Dee very much for awhile, and I sensed some apprehension from her in our conversations. I didn’t read much into it. I had offered many times to babysit her 2yr old son if she needed or wanted me to. Finally she took me up on my offer. She said she had to go to the OBGYN and I didn’t even ask why…but after I got to the apartment she was just acting weird–nervous. And I began to suspect but I didn’t ask. My heart sank as the thought crept in, that Dee had been avoiding me for weeks because she was pregnant and didn’t want to tell me? That hurt my feelings. My suspicion was confirmed when Dee walked in the door after her OBGYN appointment, holding the very same prenatal goodie bag they had given me a couple months ago. I said “So you ARE pregnant! I thought you might be” and she blushed and said “Yeah, I am”. I felt a little betrayed…and how strange that two women who had lukewarm feelings about having more children became pregnant almost instantly right after I announced my pregnancy? From what other IF bloggers have written, it seems to be part of the curse of IF…everybody will be pregnant but you, and probably announce their pregnancy either during or right after your miscarriage, while you still have a maxi pad strapped to you.
Now Meme and Dee are getting ready to have their babies…my EDD for my first miscarriage is October 12, 2013. Even today I had coffee with Dee and since we are both moving soon and she is in the 28th week of her second (and final) pregnancy, she gifted me two pregnancy books as a well-intentioned parting gift–encouraging me that I will “need them soon!” I used to think that bloggers who “woes me” about the passing of their due dates were being a touch melodramatic. But now as my own due date approaches, and I’ve lived through 2 miscarriages and several more pregnancy announcements…I am going to be quite inconsolable on October 12th. I dread it, actually.
On the bright side, me, kitty, and the hubs will just be getting settled in our new place, and we will be living in my hometown where I have friends who will not constantly remind me that I am not pregnant–there’s my silver lining.

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9 thoughts on “Everybody’s Pregnant But Me (and you)

  1. You know it’s strange about the due date. Until you’ve lived it, you just don’t get it. Dates were always a weakness for me, but now it seems like I can remember so many dates. I’ve been through two due dates already and my suggestion is plan something fun. The first time, I didn’t think I’d need and and I was wrong. The next due date I’m dreading is November 26th. I was hoping to be pregnant again by then to help ease the pain, but I don’t think that’s happening since I’m taking a break. Maybe you’ll be pregnant by then 🙂 Wouldn’t that be great? I think so.

    • Good points! There are 2 great events I get to participate in on October 12th, both dear to me: Susan G. Komen walk for the cure (in rememberance of my Mom), and a Pumpkin Festival that I’ve loved going to since I was small. I keep forgetting about the good things happening on that day!
      Also, there is the possibility I could be pregnant before then; I don’t feel confident about that, but of course I haven’t lost hope! XO

  2. I’m so sorry, it’s so hard to deal with everyone around you moving on with health pregnancies. I hope you’re able to join them soon. I have no idea why, but I never paid any attention to my edd’s. I don’t think I even figured them out for the 3rd or 4th miscarriage, and definitely not for the chemical pregnancies (of course I new approximately, but never looked up an exact date). Instead, I just end up measuring how far behind I am by the age of all the kids and babies around me. Multiple people are on to their second kid since we started trying….

  3. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through 😦 I’ve been there with the thing about women who either weren’t trying, didn’t want more kids or, at best like you said, had lukewarm feelings about it – yet no problems conceiving or delivering healthy babies. I sometimes wonder if it’s because they never gave it much thought and therefore there’s no stress that impedes the process…

    • Alex, you know everybody (including preggo friend Dee, just today) loves to suggest that if we just stopped stressing and act indifferent, that we’ll then be blessed with an unexpected and fruitful pregnancy. That is crap, IMHO. Some of us just have to go through the heartache of infertility, and I’m sure it brings us a depth of character, compassion, abd perspective that fertiles have no knowledge of, and I’m sure there’s something good and worthwhile about that. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, but people who have it handed to them don’t “get” that.
      **I might be totally wrong and maybe stress IS the root of all disease and infertility, but I’m pretty sure that’s BS. Thanks for commenting & I support your journey as well!

      • Oh I SO agree that the whole “JUST RELAX” thing is complete BS. And you’re right, it’s worth fighting for and, like you, I also think it gives you depth of character etc – all of which I hope will ultimately make us better mothers when OUR times comes! HUGS!! 🙂

  4. I remember feeling the same way, initially about due dates and what not. I thought it was silly to think that in 7 months or so when I realized that I was supposed to be giving birth that I would still be inconsolable about it. But now, even before I have physically miscarried (was diagnosed with blighted ovum nearly 3 weeks ago) I think about the milestones I would be reaching in my pregnancy and the things that should be happening, how my baby should be growing. I can only imagine that by the time April comes, I will be feeling much more at peace, but it will never go away and I will always count the birthdays of the baby that should have been.

    • Very sorry you are going through it right now–wouldn’t wish it on anybody 😦 I was getting milestone updates from babycenter for quite awhile after my miscarriage because I couldn’t figure out how to “erase” my pregnancy from my profile–there’s no “pregnancy deactivation” button. I finally contacted them & told them off about that! In any case, yeah, it’s not easy thinking about what might have been. Big hugs to you sweets! XO

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