So, I have some ‘xplaining to do…
I was feeling very depressed and *introverted* after failed IUI #5, which is one reason I didn’t blog about it. And I wasn’t planning to have this IUI #6–it was totally unmedicated and unmonitored–so it hardly seemed worth mentioning….
But let me stop babbling and give you the facts:
You recall the RE, Dr. Diet, had suggested we “take the summer off” and see him about IVF in September. Well…
I wanted to see if all the cysts leftover from failed IUI #5 were still there or dissipating, I don’t like Dr. Diet, and I missed Dr. Angel, so I asked Dr. Angel if I could come in for an ultrasound on cd16, which was a Friday. I had one follicle on my right ovary, measuring 15.5–I then proceeded to call Mr. MLACS and ask him to come home earlier than (the following) Friday because given my follicle size it looked like I would “O” maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. He was a jerk and got mad at me for asking, so I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day.
Then Mr. MLACS called on cd17 (Saturday) and suggested I fly to rural Canada (where he works)–it would cost $2,000!!! I was like “Thanks but no way dude–not for one random egg–we should save that money for IVF”. We argued some more. At least he offered.
But then I got my positive OPK the following day on cd18 (Sunday) and it became a moot point (no time to travel to Canada and wait for him to get off work to dtd).
So the only reasonable alternative was to use the last vile of frozen sperm at Dr. Diet’s office, because we had already decided that we would do any future IUI’s with Dr. Angel, and for IVF we would go to CRA clinic in Colorado–so we were planning to “fire” Dr. Diet anyways and might as well use up our ‘reserves’. By doing the “natural” IUI, I could feel like it wasn’t *another* wasted cycle, we could use up the frozen sperm, and it could save us the time & money for travel.
So I called Dr. Diet’s office early in the morning on cd19 (Monday) and told them I wanted to do an insemination that day. They obliged. I was unceremoniously inseminated by Nurse Cutie, the timer was set for 15 minutes, and I was told I could leave afterwards, no ‘goodbyes’ necessary. Like a one-night-stand.
*Normally* I would’ve gone home and laid down, exhausted from all the hormones (trigger shot).
But this time, I went and took a vigorous hour long walk in the hot sun.
Since Dr. Diet’s office doesn’t do ultrasounds to check for ovulation, I asked Dr. Angel if he would do an ultrasound to see. And a couple hours post-insemination, Dr. Angel confirmed that I had ovulated. And I thought “well then there’s a chance”.
During the TWW, I went on about my life–I didn’t exercise caution. I drank at a wedding, I worked out rigorously…the most I did was cut back to one coffee drink per day, but I’m sure I was still taking in more that the recommended amount of caffeine.
I had symptoms but I blew them off. Mr. MLACS took note and tried to point out this-and-that, and I was like “Uh huh whatever dude, just like every.other.cycle.”
But I would be lying if I told you I didn’t google ‘early pregnancy symptoms’. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn’t hoping for this cycle. I googled. I hoped.
However, the very thought of seeing a single line on a FRER was enough to bring me to tears. So I did not test early…
For the first time in *15 months* I actually waited to take a test until the day after AF was due. It was great because I hadn’t told anyone about this IUI so nobody asked me about it–no pressure to POAS!
I could hardly believe it when I looked at the FRER–I haven’t seen 2 lines since last July! It has been exactly 11 months since my last miscarriage. I came out of the bathroom speechless and crying and hugged Mr. MLACS with the pee stick in my hand. It felt surreal…
My first beta @ 15dpo was 192.
My second beta @ 17dpo was 404–a doubling time of 44.7 hours.
My third beta @ 21dpo was 2,220.
Today I am 5w3d, gestationally (from LMP it would be 6w1d, but I know when I conceived)
My progesterone was on the extremely low side (11.5) so per Dr. Angel, I started taking Endometrin suppositories. My TSH was starting to creep up (from 1.1 to 2.3 at only 15dpo) and I was having symptoms so Dr. Angel increased my Synthroid from 100mcg to 150mcg.
This all feels surreal to me. I honestly could not bring myself to write about it because I am so afraid that it will go away. Plus I didn’t want to hash out my conflicted feelings of excitement vs. paranoia. The flashbacks and constant comparisons between my other pregnancies and this one–creating a mental “pro” and “con” list trying to figure out the likelihood that I will end up with a baby this time. “I’m nauseaous! That’s good!” followed by “I have muscle twitches–that happened during miscarriage #1…” It’s an all-day roller coaster of emotions. I’m trying to keep these negative thoughts and emotions at bay, and writing about them would only invite them to stay. Seriously, I even “saged” myself and my house to get rid of any negative energies. And seriously, I think it helped.
So, I’ll keep you posted from here on out, though it won’t be in my traditional “play-by-play” style. I need to take a little space and get my wits about me. Also, I’m sure a lot of my pregnant bloggers noticed I ‘unfollowed’ them. I had to, for my own sake. I still check up on them all the time. If this pregnancy goes well, then maybe I can start ‘following’ pregnant and parenting bloggers again–but not yet. And TTC ladies, I encourage you to do what’s right for you. I loathe the thought that this pregnancy announcement has caused anyone any pain, but we are infertiles and no strangers to “happy for you, sad for me”. I have been VERY sad for me, a lot more sad for me than I was happy for others–truth. And that is nothing to be ashamed of–I’m not apologizing for any bitterness or resentment I felt, and you shouldn’t either. For me, the negative feelings eventually faded away (probably around the time a blogger is entering the 2nd trimester). But pregnancy announcements, pee sticks, ultrasounds…those are all triggers for me and very hard to swallow. If you are interested in any of that stuff, I will create an option on my menu and you check it out if and when you feel like it. Also if you would like more details about IUI #6, I’ve added it to the menu.
Despite my insecurity about this pregnancy, I’m hopeful. If you are so inclined, prayers and positive energy would be appreciated. First ultrasound is tomorrow and “scared shitless” is an understatement. I WILL NOT post ultrasound pics in my newsfeed, but I will let you know the outcome.
I am shaking right now.