Hey ladies, howzit?
I am such a hot f*cking mess. I have so much I need to talk about here.
First off, I am dizzy. I have been dizzy for a week. I’ve seen an urgent care doc, an ENT, an Audiologist, and a Chiropractor. Though no diagnosis has been made, it appears as though my muscles are suuuuper tense and my cervical spine is jacked. I’m more irritated about the inconvenience than by the discomfort. I’m taking loads of NSAIDs and some muscle relaxers and using a heating pad and seeing the chiropractor again on Saturday. But I have sh*t to do and it’s been holding me back for a week.
Then I got my period. I now have a 28 day cycle since I’ve weaned to just taking one Domperidone tablet per day (for milk supply). It’s weird, because I’ve always had a 30-31 day cycle in the past. What does this indicate about my fertility? Is it good?
I’m thinking a lot about TTC again. I really want another baby. I am starting to feel pangs of envy when I see a pregnancy announcement, even though we are not trying. I worry that my biological clock is “ticking”–will be 37 soon–and I feel pressure. People have asked me “Will you have another?” and I choke up–they say it casually, as though it’s MY choice, like “Will you have fries with that?” We just observed October 15th and I remembered the babies I lost. I just moved to the South and as I make friends and tell my story I am reminded that I suffered through SIX IUI’s to conceive my BG. I DON’T KNOW if I will have another baby in my arms. I guess part of wanting to TTC is because I want to KNOW if I will have my baby #2 (God willing)…or not. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of living in fear of more losses and more infertility.
I want peace of mind, and I cannot have it until I am done TTC.
I miss my Dr. Angel, who held my hand through infertility treatments and my pregnancy with BG. He is irreplaceable. But I finally started searching for a new OBGYN in my new Southern home. I finally found one who made an impression based on his bio and online reviews, and couldn’t get an appointment until the end of December. Which is fine because I’m not ready to TTC yet–I feel unprepared.
First off, I need progesterone support. With BG, my progesterone was a paltry 11 at 15dpo, and the absolute lowest it can be to support a pregnancy is 9. So I want a prescription for progesterone–filled–before we TTC. I actually called our new prescription insurance the other day to find out if they cover progesterone. They do, but only generic 100mg or 200mg capsules, or PIO. Given that even on crinone my progesterone barely creeped up to 20, I should probably just bite the bullet and do the PIO, right? A 3 month supply is only $31 under my insurance. Whereas a 15 day supply of Crinone paying OOP is $75 (so $150 per month). I might rather “pay the man” for the Crinone though, and save my a**. Ya think?
Then I gave myself Heparin shots 2x a day through my pregnancy with BG, based on the fact that I had tested positive for ANA’s, had two prior losses, and a ‘gut feeling’ of Dr. Angel. None of these things by themselves indicate a clotting issue. But I think I am going to lobby the new OBGYN to put me on Heparin if I get pregnant again. Even though it f*cking sucks. So bad. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, IMHO. And my insurance will cover it.
And then there was the PPA I experienced (even now) after giving birth. The gut-wrenching fear that something bad will happen to my baby. And it will be my fault. Even now, I can barely drive on the freeways in our new city because there are a lot of accidents–I tack on an extra 15-30 minutes everywhere I go just to avoid the freeway. It’s not quite irrational, but it’s also not “normal”.
I only just reached the point where I can imagine going through all this again. Where I can allow myself to revisit the past, recognize my fears, take a deep breathe, and cautiously begin to go through the motions of preparing to TTC again.
It is easier, because I have my BG. But TTC is still heavy and scary and quite serious.
Speaking of scary and quite serious, I accompanied Mr. MLACS to his first appointment with his new Cardiologist last week. GOOD NEWS! His EF is up from 31% to 51% since April! That is almost “normal”! And the doc switched him from Lisinopril to Entresto, which will supposedly markedly increase his life expectancy! The doc definitely wants him to lose weight but wasn’t a dick about it. They are still considering outfitting him with a defibrulator (internally, on his heart). I wish they would give it to him, on the chance he would have a heart attack and it might save his life. I am afraid of losing him. I do not know how to let go of that fear. I get mad because I feel like HE causes my fear and anxiety since HE has neglected to lose the weight he needs to lose and generally take better care of himself. I’m so sick and tired of caring more about his health than he does. I have enough f*cking problems dealing with my own health.
And then dealing with a toddler. And moving. And life. I’m tired. Actually, I’m exhausted. And apparently, my neck muscles are so tense from stress that I literally can’t f*cking see straight.
I just want to run away sometimes. I just want to not care so damn much.
I just want STOP BEING AFRAID of losing people I love (including babies I have not even conceived yet).