It’s Been Awhile

Hey guys, I’m still here.

I just haven’t known what to say and I’ve been busy, of course, with the new house and 2 kids.

BG started preschool again in September, so that has been an adjustment as she now goes 5 mornings per week. She also has speech therapy 1-2 times per week–she has worked on P, T, and now F sounds. It drives me nuts that BG also says “her” instead of “she” as in “Her went to the park”. But ya know, at least she takes direction now whereas at first she would shut down when anybody tried to work with her. She’s trying her best and I’m proud of her–we’ll get there, but it’s going to take time and effort.

As far as school goes, it’s been a challenge. There are only 4 girls in her class and they paired off from the first day. The girl BG paired with is bossy and mean, but she can also be very sweet–sort of Jekyll and Hyde–she’s very moody. BG was having a hard time dealing with this girl and it was making her unhappy about school, so I talked to the teacher. I was relieved that the teacher is aware of the unhealthy dynamic and has addressed it by seating BG and this girl apart, and encouraging all 4 girls to play together. I just want to protect my baby, but the teacher made a valid point–she is learning to stand up for herself and assert her boundaries and that is an important skill. I just didnt think she’d have to learn it at 4 years old. And this girl isn’t the only moody and hot/cold little girlfriend BG has, there’s another one whose mother I adore–this mom always includes BG in playtime plans and says her daughter is “SO excited to see BG!” But then BG will come home and tell me the girl wouldn’t play with her, and indeed, I have seen this kid’s ‘ice queen’ act. There’s one other girl whose Mom I adore but her daughter was SO horrendous that now BG always checks with me to make sure this girl isn’t invited to any future playdates or outings.

I’m shocked at how rude a lot of the kids here are–in the South kids would be called by all 3 of their middle names and threatened with consequences for misbehaving. But here in the Northeast (and we live in a privileged area so *entitlement*) parents do not make their kids say please and thank you, they do not have to answer when they are spoken to by an adult, and they have bad attitudes–they are rude. It’s baffling to me because their parents don’t seem rude or disingenuous, but the kids are assh*les–where do they get it from???

I’ve been trying to make Mom friends, and it’s not easy. I took for granted the socialization I had with the dance moms when BG took ballet and tap last winter. She was not that into it because her teacher was no fun and I haven’t found her a new studio to try. I definitely feel a void without our Thursday ballet class, where I socialized with the moms–I liked them. I’ve kept in touch with my favorites but we are all running different directions with our kids and they all have their own groups of friends because they are established here, whereas I am not.

I joined a group of new moms with infants LS’s age, but I am too OLD for their group! They basically live to dress up themselves and their babies and go to trendy places and come up with witty hashtags for the photos they take. They are all emotionally unstable and slightly narcissistic. Apparently, these are the cliché millennial types that the boomers are b*itching about–and I get it because they seriously lack integrity. They mean well though. But we mutually ‘unfollowed’ each other across social media platforms so *I think* that means we’re going our separate ways. Whatever.

Despite the fact that we are not hashtagging our days away, LS is doing very well! She’s got her 2 bottom teeth and is working on the top 2 now. She started baby food (purees) and loves it–we have not done any kind of grains or meat yet, just fruits and veggies. She’s still breastfeeding, I pump a few ounces a day and she gets a few ounces of hypoallergenic formula. She still has CMPA (cows milk protein allergy) which means I can’t eat dairy, except she tolerates when I eat butter. LS is learning to crawl, she babbles and claps her hands and bounces to music (loves The Itsy Bitsy Spider), she’ll give sloppy drooly kisses, loves to pet our dog and most of all she is crazy about her big sister ❤ She’s really a happy little baby, though she does not like to be put down for long. Oh! And as for her growth she has gone from the 3rd percentile in weight to now the 50th! She is 96th percentile for height. Once I figured out she has CMPA (no thanks to the ignorant pediatrician I fired) and found the right hypoallergenic formula, her growth exploded and she has been gaining well for the past few months. A year ago I couldn’t imagine loving another baby as much as I love BG, and now I cant imagine our family without LS–she is so precious.

I had joined this really nice gym when LS was all of 7 weeks old, thinking I was going to get back in shape and make friends and leave my 2 month old infant in gym daycare. I *must* have been high on some postpartum hormones because that was *totally* unrealistic and did not happen. Instead I wasted $300/month on a gym membership we hardly used and I never took LS there, I left her with Mr. MLACS. Then in the beginning of August I sprained my f*ing ankle SO bad I could barely walk for weeks and now I’m seeing a doc and having an MRI because it hasn’t healed properly. Now that BG is 8 months old, my ankle is “do-able” and I’m approaching my 40th birthday, I felt ready to return to the gym and I started back 2 weeks ago. LS has not loved gym daycare, but she did have 1 good day. Then both my kids got sick (a virus Mr. MLACS brought home–I got it too and was miserable) and I only went 1 day last week. So frustrating! But I’m not giving up–I need to take care of myself and all I’m asking for is 3 hours per week!

Mr. MLACS’s work is having a very swanky holiday party at an NFL stadium and I have been waiting for an occasion to get dressed up, so I decided to have one of the postpartum doulas that helped care for BG come and babysit the girls so we can go to this event. I’m nervous because the event is a 30min drive from our house in the burbs, but I do trust that this sitter can handle both kids and calm and entertain the baby for at least 3 hours while we try to do an adult thing. Just yesterday I went shopping and found a beautiful floor-length dress embellished with sequins, and shoes to match. I wouldnt let the fact that I’m chubby and out-of-shape ruin my shopping experience–I dutifully shimmied into my full body spanx in the dressing room and tried on my *actual size* (US 14) and did not waste any time trying on the size I wish I was (US 10). I will do my best to make it to the gym (as long as LS cooperates) and to eat sensibly but whether or not I lose 10lbs I am going to feel good about myself.

For my 40th birthday I’m planning a ladies brunch. It’s been a real PIA because all venues are booked around Christmas and plenty dont even want to entertain a private party. Also trying to get busy moms to take part of a pre-holiday weekend to drive 30min to the city to celebrate my birthday is kind of asking a lot–I dont even know them that well. I am paying for everything but I’m not sure they understand that brunch is on me and how pathetic would it be for me to say “Pleeeease come because I’m buying your brunch!” A couple of my old girlfriends are talking about coming for the weekend but one cant make it to the brunch and would have to come later. So it will be nice but stressful as I’m trying to get people to RSVP and have to order the decor, floral arrangements and cake. I had hoped that Mr. MLACS would do something grand for my 40th birthday, but at this point I’m not expecting much and I am disappointed in him. I organized and paid for an awesome party for his 40th! I even surprised him and had a friend fly in! In fact I’ve given him several great Birthday parties. He can barely come up with a card and cake for me. And this year, I’m mad about it. He’s not even paying for the party–I am.

In fact I’m super over Mr. MLACS’s BS lately. He’s been an egotistical jerk and Im sick of his attitude. I finally told him the other night that Im ready to move back to my hometown once this project is over and he can go on to the next one by himself–and I meant it. He doesnt appreciate how hard it is to start over in a new place and how much WORK this move has been for me. I’m legit over this lifestyle and him being a dick is making it real easy for me to jump ship. I wouldn’t divorce him, but I’d happily take a break from his punk ass and let him remember what life is like when I’m not around. Moving home would provide stability for myself and my kids in a place where I have lots of people I love and trust. A place where I know some nice kids for my kids to play with who aren’t mean entitled little assh*les.

There’s so much I want to do with my life, but since we move so much I am always scrambling to make a life and I dont have time or headspace to write books or plan that trip to Europe. I want peace and calm. I want to set my intentions for these next 40+ years I may have left on this earth. I want to be passionate about life! I’m trying to light my own fire. It’s hard to be passionate when you are exhausted and scrambling to take care of everyone and everything. Case-in-point, I have managed to plan *yet another* magical Christmas. BG’s big gift will be the Frozen 2 castle, and I got LS the Little People version of the castle, which I think it is adorable that they get matching castles! BG is super into fairies–in fact I got her a fairy door and mailbox and she wants to write to her fairy *every day* but her fairy (me) cannot keep up and is only able to respond 1-2x per week. So she’s getting fairy gardens/houses. LS is getting some of those fisher price linkamals, the ‘smart toys’ that communicate–we already have the llama. I bought our entire family matching Christmas jammies (thanks to target for carrying sizes in mens big & tall) and I’ve booked us premium seats on the Polar Express train. As per usual, we’re going to see The Nutcracker ballet, and I’ve bought the girls special Christmas outfits. I’m also planning a Frozen 2 playdate before Christmas and I have already purchased tickets to take BG on a mommy/daughter date to see the movie next weekend. So you see, I’ve been busy doing this crazy mom-hustle–this is just the tip of the iceberg–there are preschool board meetings, doctors and dentist appointments, playdates, soccer practices, field trips, grocery trips, and everything in between…I love it, truly I do…but that doesnt make it easier–it just makes it worth it ❤