My Precious

I love her. I love her SO MUCH it hurts.

My sister jokes and calls BG “the precious”, inferring that I am “Gollum” (the twisted creature in Lord of the Rings) and BG is my “Precious” (the ring Gollum covets). I don’t like this analogy but…

She has a point.

I’m with BG 24/7, since the moment she was born. I am an exclusively breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, attachment parenting *fanatic* about my kid.

And BG won’t even go to anyone else anymore. She’ll sit in her chair/bouncer/etc. if I walk away for a couple minutes, but heaven forbid I should try to hand her to her father or her aunt–even if I’m standing right there, she will stick out her lower lip and *howl* as though I’ve forsaken her. It’s pitiable. And I cannot stand…Can. Not. Stand. to leave her this way–I immediately take her back and she immediately stops crying.

I thought I would have a “mother’s helper” come 1-2x per week for a couple or a few hours, so I could go to the gym or run errands (I thought I’d be doing this when she was 2 months old). I thought Mr. MLACS would be doing 50% of the childcare during the 2 weeks he is home each month. I thought when BG was 6 months old I’d happily take her to gym daycare. But that’s not how it works–my BG is not cool with me leaving so I won’t–I can’t–and that’s ok.

And it’s the most natural thing in the world for a baby to want her mama–I am her only source of food and comfort.

But I never expected any of this. I never planned to EBF–in fact I was like “whatever’s clever, but I’ll try”, but then ended up doing everything short of selling my soul to continue to EBF. I bought a Moby wrap thinking I could conveniently carry my baby while doing other things (sidenote: Moby wraps are anything but convenient) and now I realize that babywearing is important because it makes me and BG both feel calm and safe (the Maya ring sling is our favorite). I used to think cosleeping was for the weak, but now the thought of putting BG in a crib *in a different room* horrifies me–I can’t imagine not having her close to me.

Even though I know that it’s natural for a mama and baby to stick close together, I still feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m being codependent or smothering her–American society tells us to (forces us to) push our infants away and make them conform to our lifestyles. I bought into those ideas. And now I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like some uncivilized wild animal.

In other news, BG is wonderful! She is sitting up by herself (though I still put the boppy around her to cushion her when she falls backwards). She has broken her first tooth! This, of course, is rough on her (and by proxy on me). And we started solids this week! I have *all the things* to make her homemade (mostly organic) baby food. So far she really likes sweet potato but is only lukewarm about bananas. She says “mama” or “mum mum”, but only when she’s upset/frustrated (catch 22). She has her 6 month check up soon (she turned 6mo last week) and I won’t be surprised if this kid is 30 inches long already–she’s still long and skinny, like a noodle.

BG has the has the most beautiful red hair and blue eyes. She’s so pretty that people are constantly oogling her and it makes me very uncomfortable and protective–she doesn’t like the attention either. And whyyyyy do people always want to get in her face and touch her–people touch her feet–that’s insane to me because babies are people not community property. I haven’t scolded anyone for touching her feet but I do step away. F*cking weirdos.

Because yes, BG is MY PRECIOUS.

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