Nail The Coffin

So AF arrived this morning at 13dpo (common for me in medicated cycles–I halved my progesterone dose yesterday too, but not sure that even mattered). Nail the coffin of IUI #5.

Last night Mr. MLACS continued to be a dickhead into the wee hours, but finally around midnight he heard me sobbing in the bedroom and came in and hugged me (well I hugged him but whatever). We are still dealing with some tension but a lot of that was gone when we woke up this morning.

We’ve been talking about getting a puppy for FOREVER, been planning that as long as we’ve been planning a baby–Mr. MLACS is a seasoned dog owner/trainer. I have no formal experience with dogs, so this will be interesting. A friend of a friend’s Lab just had AKC certified pups–get this–1 black male and 7 blonde females! DH and I are considering one of the females, but they are $500, then all the shots, etc. And we are leaving for a 10 day trip in July–and puppies must be taken from the owner prior to this trip. My friend said her Mom would take our puppy and help to crate train her while we were gone. But…I dunno. I don’t feel prepared to make this decision today. Plus, now I’m feeling stressed about money because I’m scared we’ll need to do expensive tests/procedures and/or IVF. Is it the right time for a puppy? 

And then, how are we going to proceed with treatments? I’ve probably dropped 5+lbs in the last 2 days and I am going to be in a wedding in 6 weeks…do I want to take birth control and then stims and then be feeling like Puff the marshmallow man at this wedding? I went to the dark spin class (the one where it’s so dark no one can see me cry) last night. I worked hard and it felt good–I have been so bloated and sore (and slightly paranoid) that I hadn’t been to class since my trigger shot (though I was walking). Would I be better off to take time off until after our vacation?

Or do I feel an urgency to start birth control and go directly into another cycle before our trip?

And then, WHY is it that I got pregnant 2x naturally and then never again in these past 10 months/7 medicated cycles? I started Remicade when I had my chemical pregnancy and haven’t been pregnant since–is there a correlation? An implantation issue? An egg issue? Have all these months of stims f*cked up my eggs? Or are we just unlucky? Should I go to Chicago and see Dr. Kwak Kim and ask her if she suspects my immune system? But then there’ll be a bunch of tests…$$$…and will anything be revealed? My blood NK cells were normal (though I dunno how they are in my uterus). My ANA’s were undetectable as of 2 months ago. My thyroid is well within “normal”. My karyotype was “normal”. My Ulcerative Colitis is in remission. I’m “thick” but not obese or out of shape. My AMH (ovarian reserve) is high. I’m gluten-free, high protein, low sugar, negligible caffeine…I’m not stressed (in general). I take supplements. My husband has a stellar sperm count and he quit smoking 8 months ago.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

WHY did it work before, but not now???

I want answers.

XOXO

I Hate You Mr. MLACS

Dear Mr. MLACS,

You are an a**hole. First of all, I “failed” the pregnancy test this morning and you didn’t say sh*t. Second of all, I had scheduled a dentist appointment for you and you b*tched out and didn’t go and forced me to make up an excuse for you.

Third, I called you after the dentist–in tears in the parking lot–and you didn’t pick up. Then you called at your leisure and asked me if I wanted to go shoot your stupid gun and I told you matter-of-factly that I was upset and today was not the best day for me to try to learn something new (particularly guns, which I have zero experience with and they freak me out).

And you said “You gotta get out of this funk”.

EXCUSE ME???

I said to you “I am entitled to be upset–which I warned you I would be if this happened. And furthermore I AM THE ONE who has to do this again, and I don’t want to”. Which is to say, that I am only doing this again in order to save money, because I don’t want us to pay for IVF.

And reading between the lines, I wouldn’t have to keep doing this IF YOU WERE HOME to try naturally. And you are actively making a choice to not change your schedule–and you know good and damn well that the ONLY reason I agreed to this job is because you let me believe that you would be home during my ovulatory period for AT LEAST a year. Yes, you informed me when you got your schedule that you would be home for all the holidays in the latter half of the month! “At least until 2015” you said “After that I can’t guarantee it won’t change”. Those were your words mother*cker.

And yet here I am, doing these frozen IUI’s all by my f*cking self while you run off to Canada and do your dream job. And I would have a job too or at least be in school, except that your schedule only brings you home for half the month and I need to be with my husband at least half of the month. And I’m always in the middle of a cycle, which we all know is damn near impossible to explain to a job and retain any kind of privacy. I’m already sick of this routine. And you are not even seriously looking for another job because YOU are comfortable where you are at. YOU don’t really care to change anything. YOU are not the one waiting at home.

YOU are not the one doing the drugs. YOU are not the one sacrificing your body, mind, and soul for this. YOU just get to run off to your important job and wake up every day and be the boss. YOU have a routine. YOU have a purpose. YOU have validation that you are appreciated and that you make a difference.

Whereas I am over here…my whole life revolves around my cycle. Obtaining drugs, doctors appointments, injections, etc. I have control over NOTHING. And every cycle as I inject myself I cringe because I know what’s coming. MISERY. It’s f*cking miserable. And how do I explain to my friends what is happening to me? Why I can’t go have a drink? Why I’m too tired to go to spin class? Why I’m too distraught to visit a baby? All I get are blank stares when I say “Well because we’re going through treatment”. The best they can muster is pity because they don’t have a clue what any of this is like. F*ck, for that matter neither do you…

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, Mr. MLACS. You are blissfully ignorant to what kind of hell this is.

Because if you had a f*cking clue as to what this is like, then you would change your mother*cking schedule. OR, at the very least, what you could say is:

1. I know this is so hard for you–I know that you carry a heavy burden. I appreciate what you are doing.

2. I don’t expect you to keep doing this. I don’t want to see you continue to beat up your body this way. I understand that this is not good for you mentally or physically.

3. I understand that I AM MAKING A CHOICE here, to continue to do this job despite the fact that it is directly and undeniably affecting our ability to have a baby. I appreciate you supporting my career–because you understand that I love what I do and it’s NOT just about the money.

4. I understand that you getting on birth control in order for us to do this fresh IUI is NOT A LONG TERM SOLUTION. I am aware that it will f*ck up your cycle and that if (God forbid) it doesn’t work then it’s not something that we can continue to do, even if we wanted to–it’s a “one shot” deal.

5. I understand that you have done your best with these frozen IUI’s. If the next one doesn’t work then I am prepared to move on to IVF, because it is not fair for me to expect you to put off having children as a consequence of my work schedule being inflexible. Building a family with you is at least as important, if not MORE important, than furthering my career. I understand that I cannot take my money with me when I’m gone so I am prepared to spend what we need to spend to start a family. Without b*tching at you and acting like a martyr.

6. I love you and I respect the sacrifices you’ve made and are willing to make in order to create a home and a family with me.

Because Mr. MLACS, your maternity swimsuits were a sweet gesture. But what I need from you is a commitment that you are willing to go the distance with me. Today you opened your big fat mouth and said “Fine, lets stop. Just forget about it.” And I said “So are you saying you would live childless?” And you said “Yes!” And I said to you “Then get the divorce papers ready. Because Swear to God, on my Mother, if you mean that then I want a divorce.” And I meant that. That was a punk a** pussy thing to say. And obviously I’m not married to you for your money. I am married to you because you are the man I want to have a family with. I don’t stick around for your f*cking paycheck and your good company will never fill the space in my heart where a child should be. So put up, or shut up.

And don’t make yourself a victim. That sh*t is tired too. You said “You just want to beat up on me!” And no, actually, I wanted to have THIS conversation with you. And I have been very clear all along about what I want and until now I have not asked you to own your part in this–which is that you are not prepared to inconvenience your company in order to help me create our family. And you don’t want to dig in your pockets either (for IVF). You want to have your f*cking cake and eat it too–at this point it is all at my expense. And you don’t even want to thank me for putting up with this sh*t.

Look at your friends in your company–you told me your company has a 75% divorce rate, maybe higher.

Now, you think about what side of the statistic you want to fall on. I’m no bullsh*tter, so think fast.

Thanks,

Your Wife

R.I.P IUI #5

I’m calling it. TOD (time of death) 7:55am.

My symptoms have all but disappeared–been dropping water since yesterday, boobs no longer hurt, not hungry when I woke up, etc. etc.

So then I POAS this morning at 12dpo (FRER) to confirm…and I waited for that second line…and…Nope. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So then here’s the plan: I’ll go in for my beta tomorrow at 13dpo. I’ll let Nurse Cutie know that I’d like to begin birth control so that I can cycle with my husband home for this next (LAST) IUI. And I will ask her to place an order so I can get more Gonal-f. And I will give this medicated IUI business ONE more shot. With Mr. MLACS and his 312 million total count /55 million 100% motile sperm present (as you know that the last 4 of my 5 IUI’s have been with frozen sperm, since he’s been gone). And if this sh*t don’t work, then it’s time for IVF.

And there you have it. R.I.P. IUI #5. Thanks for nuthin’.

XOXO,

MLACS

IUI #5 Update

I owe you guys an update. I just haven’t wanted to jinx anything by talking about it. Turns out, my superstitions are most likely just a crock of sh*t. But you know, I also get tired of reading about symptoms and signs during the TWW. I’m like “Hey fool, are you on progesterone? Well, then your symptoms don’t mean sh*t so stop effervescing over it until you POAS and prove it”–this whole getting excited during the TWW thing seems cliché and amateur to moi.

Lets start at the beginning. I felt the ovulation pains just a few hours after the IUI happened. So, even though I only had 8 million total motile, the timing was good. And then the next day, I went back to Dr. Diet’s office and Nurse Cutie gave me an US (with Dr. Diet present) and it showed…wait for it…at least 3 corpus luteum! Yeah, I dropped at least 3 eggs, 2 from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. And the fire of HOPE burned bright like the Olympic Torch.

Anytime I would start to panic and think “What if this doesn’t work?”…I would push these thoughts away and say “You are healthy. You are ready. You ARE pregnant.” And I even allowed myself to talk to my potential embryos. I told them I knew they were there and to hang on tight. I DON’T DO THIS SORT OF CRAP. I am cynical. I am a realist. I read between all the lines.

I really let myself go this cycle. I was doing the whole “believe yourself pregnant” jedi-mind-trick thing. And guess what–it f*cking worked. I had ALL the symptoms. Shall I list them? Yes, lets:

1-4 dpo Indigestion, extreme fatigue, food cravings, extreme hunger (of course the hcg trigger shot was probly still in my system–I didn’t test it out so I can’t exactly say but it was only 5,000iu). I was bloated and felt a heaviness in my abdomen. A little winded when trying to exercise.

5-8 dpo All of the above symptoms PLUS cramping and backaches. And big huge sore boobs–particularly sore nipples. Started pee’ing more frequently too. And I’m hella constipated. During this time a couple things happened:

1. Mr. MLACS came home and had me open up a couple of UPS packages he had delivered to the house while he was away. They were maternity swimsuits he had purchased for me in the very beginning of the cycle. Gorgeous and expensive suits. He said his intuition was saying multiples. Then he told my MIL we were in the midst of a cycle (because she was upset I hadn’t called her and thought something was wrong) and she said–without knowing ANY details–that she was seeing triplets. *Hmmmmm*
2. One of my good friends told me she had dreamt she was visiting me and I had a 4yr old little girl (she had also recently intuitively known when a friend delivered). This is in addition to my friend the acupuncturist, who I haven’t seen in awhile–she messaged me about 3 weeks ago to let me know she had dreamt I had a baby girl.
3. I just FELT pregnant. So much moreso than I have during other medicated cycles (albeit, I’ve never had such a strong ovulation and I’m also on progesterone suppositories).

9-10 dpo All of the above symptoms *plus* now I seem to have a bit of a bump. My lower abdomen is sticking out and it’s firm. I start to have food aversions, like I think I want something and then I change my mind after I take a bite. I cried because a song on the radio reminded me of my Mom. My backaches and cramping have gone away though. I’m not quite as exhausted as I was the couple of days prior. I had planned to take a test tomorrow (11dpo) but now I’m afraid of a BFN and I don’t want to…I want to live in this ignorant bliss bubble where I am pregnant and Mr. MLACS and I are fantasizing about family cars and what it will be like to take a vacation as family and what my ‘bump’ might look like by the end of the summer.

11dpo I woke up. TERRIFIED. Like, practically shaking. I woke Mr. MLACS up and said “I’m gonna go POAS” and I did and it was negative. And my bubble is burst. I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth and I looked in the mirror and said “See, your gums aren’t bleeding, you are not pregnant” and then my gums started bleeding profusely. What the actual f*ck is going on here??? I drank a cup of coffee and I had a loose bowel movement and I’m like “See, you are not pregnant“…but then the cramps and backache started again. And now I’m stuck in purgatory because it’s too early to give up and move on, but my HOPE fire has been doused and is now just a single smoldering ember struggling to persevere.

I took all the supps. I gave up coffee. I had to go on a boat this weekend and wear a matronly bikini to cover up my protruding stomach and I didn’t have one cocktail–but it was ok because I was pregnant. I got progesterone supps all over my new bikini bottoms. Against my better judgement I let my husband call me preggers and kiss my belly. I took naps. I BELIEVED.

And now, even though there’s like a 50% chance that I could possibly be pregnant, I’m 100% crushed. So, there’s your update.

Everything is F*CKED.

XOXO,

MLACS

Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat?

I follow a site called “Mommyish” on facebook and they posted this little gem–a woman who’s trying to conceive decided to make anecdotal videos about it and they are HILLARIOUS! She calls the series “Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat?” and there are 6 ‘episodes’ available–watch them ALL! I’m posting this one about the TWW because I am currently in the TWW and trying not to think about it (go ahead and laugh).

XOXO,
MLACS

Thank You God!

Thank you, God! For letting me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I HAVE ovulated! The pain began circa 2pm–Hallelujah! I’m relieved.

Thank you ladies for responding to my plea–I have never felt so vulnerable as I did today. And you ladies (even some of you I haven’t met) came through for me–that’s just priceless–but I wish I could reach out and give each of you $1,000,000 for the comfort you provided when I needed it most. If you were here (and if my ovaries weren’t killing me) I would throw my arms around you and bear hug you so tight that you’d almost lose consciousness.

I’m going back to Dr. Diet tomorrow for an US to confirm ovulation. Nurse Cutie said Dr. Diet will be there so I can ask him my questions.

I went to the daycare after I left the Dr.’s office (my sister & grandma run it from our family home) and I held a baby, played with him, and fed him lunch (he is 8 months old) This calmed me and I can’t explain why.

I went to lunch by myself and ate spicy Thai soup (random fact: I love Thai, in fact I love most all ethnic food more than traditional American–but I do also love a good all-american steak). Then I went and bought some organic dark chocolate (satisfied with myself that I passed up gluten-free Friday at the cupcake bakery and went for the slightly healthier dark chocolate). Now I’m home and trying to be calm and positive–whenever thoughts of “if this doesn’t work…” creep up, I push them back and don’t allow myself to go there.

My husband has been so kind and attentive today, even across the miles. That helps too. I cried to him earlier–sobbed incoherently–that I don’t want to do this again (heavily medicated IUI, with frozen sperm, by myself). I know he felt bad, and I feel a bit guilty for that. He is doing his best to calm and comfort me as well. Come to find out, he even called Nurse Cutie because he was worried about me and the cycle. She told him it looks great and answered all his questions–I’m impressed he took the initiative. I love him SO much. SO MUCH.

I’m chillin’ with my heating pad. I feel much better and I can’t say why–maybe the progesterone is starting to balance out my Estrogen? Maybe it’s all your warm thoughts and prayers. How come I am so much crazier than the rest of you who are on similar doses of stims? A select few of you have taken double my dose–I’m afraid I would need to be locked in a padded room. Is this really how babies are made???

XOXO,

MLACS

 

Hey…

So I just had my IUI and I’m not happy–but I want to be happy & I want to believe. Could use some help guys.

Things were much different than with Dr. Angel, in a bad way.

1. The Nurse Cutie did my IUI, and I didn’t even see Dr. Diet. Is that normal? Does your doc usually do your procedure or at least do you see him?

2. There was no ultrasound today. I thought I would see if I had ovulated, or if not, how many follicles were mature and their sizes. I am PISSED about this. But on the other hand, I can’t worry about sh*t I don’t know–like, if I had seen that I ovulated I would be worrying that it happened way too early. I haven’t had any sharp pains and I’ve been PRAYING for sharp pains so I could confirm ovulation.

3. Nurse Cutie said there was 8 million total motile. This is the LEAST I’ve ever had. She’s like “This is great, it’s what we expect with frozen sperm”. But honestly, I was getting 12-13 million motile from the “crappy” clinic. So of course I had expected the same or better from Dr. Diet’s peeps. 

4. She did the procedure but didn’t leave the catheter in–whereas Dr. Angel would leave it in saying “It keeps the sperm from coming back out”. This may not make a sh*t bit of difference. And when I got up there was a tiny wet spot on the paper where I was laying–just like there always is after my IUI’s with Doc Angel. This upsets me, because I think “What if most of my sperm is sitting on this paper?” Anyone ever think this after an IUI or am I the only one who stresses about that?

5. I’m trying to let go and let God. I feel like I’m failing at that and I’m frustrated with myself that I can’t just let go. *Crying as I sit in the car outside Dr. Diet’s office writing this, fogging up my sunglasses but won’t take them off for people to see me cry* I know this may not be my time, but this is the first time (in our ttc journey) that I’ve literally begged for His mercy (since my first miscarriage). I’ve only ever asked for peace to accept His will be done, I never ask him to do things on my time. Until now. Now I’m begging. And yet I still don’t trust it will work this time.

I’m freaked you guys. I’ll gladly take any comfort or advice you’ve got.

XOXO,

MLACS