IF Pumpkin Smackdown

Hi there BB and FD, here’s my submission! Ok, so I’ve been super duper pre-occupied “putting out fires” and getting Mr. MLACS off to work (internationally)–it’s been one helluva week so far. But, since I had to make a trip to a nearby city to take Mr. MLACS to the airport, I decided to contact one of my BFF’s and see if she was available to hang out for a bit while I was in town, and as it turned out…she replied “yes, we’re carving pumpkins today”. Um, how awesome is that?! So I got to hang out and catch up with my good friend and her son AND carve a pumpkin for IF Pumpkin Smackdown. Only thing was, I wasn’t prepared with any brilliant ideas, really I only had ONE idea, and that was to carve a “witch pumpkin”, because I’m sure you guys are all familiar with the many nicknames we have for our period (menses) such as “aunt flow” or “the witch”, right?? So I figured I’d make a witch pumpkin, so it might be considered relevant to our cause. But, um, I don’t think it looks very special. It doesn’t suck, but it’s not a head-turner either. I have two more pumpkins to carve before trick-or-treaters come knocking tomorrow night, so hopefully I’ll get inspired and come up with something.

Notice the green hue of this pumpkin--it's witch-esque, don't you think?

Notice the green hue of this pumpkin–it’s witch-esque, don’t you think?

She creeps up on you every month! Oh, the horror!

She creeps up on you every month! Oh, the horror!

Sunshine Award(s) Nomination(s)

I’d like to thank Jesselyn at Every Little Things Gonna Be Alright and Alexis at My Silver Lining for both nominating me for a Sunshine Award–this really shows how sweet and positive they both are, looking for the good in what I write, because I actually b*tch and moan a lot, but they are nice ladies and they wanted to make me feel good (even though I don’t deserve it) so thank you ladies! Sorry I didn’t respond promptly Jesselyn, but hey, since I took so damn long now I have TWO nominations! Woohoo!

Jesselyn’s Questions:

  • What is your deepest fear? How bout “most irrational fear”. I actually acquired horrible anxiety about plane flights 3 years ago, and every time I fly I pray “please God, just let me live to have a baby, and then after that if I have to die in a plane crash then please make sure my baby isn’t with me when that happens.” I don’t fly without a fistful of Valium.
  • If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Terribly ordinary stuff, like paying off my student loans and buying my dream home. But also, I am vain and I would set aside a chunk for cosmetic procedures–not in the interest of perfection, but in the interest of preservation.
  • Why do you blog? Because you guys listen to me and we relate to each other and I learn stuff and I share stuff that might help other people. Basically: Sharing & Caring.
  • If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? My Mom (who passed away 6/2/09 of Breast/Lung Cancer)
  • When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A rock star! I loved to sing and I used to be pretty good.
  • What is a meal from childhood that you crave? My tastes have totally changed, but for sentimental reasons I’d say mickey mouse pancakes with chocolate chips would be my #1 choice.
  • Name 3 of your weirdest quirks. Um…uh…well, I like to give people nicknames using their names (I want to give my kids names that can be shortened to cool nicknames) and I have always done this since I was a kid. Erm…I’m very flexible: I can do the “American” splits on both sides and (thanks to Bikram yoga) I did once touch my forehead to my toes (I’m totally out-of-practice now though). And…I guess…I bite my nails when I’m nervous? That’s the best I got off the top of my head.
  • What quality of your hero do you wish you had? Invincibility, duh.
  • What is the one thing that can always make you smile when you feel really sad? My cat.
  • What kind of candy describes you and why? Chocolate. Cuz e’rybody loves it (and if you don’t then you suck and nobody cares what you think).

Alexis’ Questions:

1) Who or what inspires you? People helping others when no one is watching and they get nothing out of it (except the satisfaction of being a good human being).

2) What did you want to be when you grew up? How close did you get? I wanted to be a pop star or actress (famous). I’ve had a few moments in the limelight but I’m not famous. However, I also loved to write and I wanted to be an author. I’m dipping my proverbial “toe in the water” with this blog, but I intend to be published someday. And I’ve always wanted to be a Mom…

3) Best vacation and dream vacation (if you haven’t already been)? I would say this trip I took to Puerto Rico when I was 20 years old. It was a trip with my ‘psychology of ecology’ class (score! college credit + parents were happy to pay for it)….it was just incredible…hiking through the rainforest…going down a natural water slide…drinking underage…oh–and we were there for the turn of the millennium! I had always wanted to travel and it was my first taste of adventure. Dream vacation? Well, I want to visit a friend’s family who lives in Tanzania–I want to travel the whole wide world, but I’ve always felt like Africa was “it” for me and my friends there are very dear to my heart.

4) Favorite food you get at the fair? (Yeah I’m country :)  and love going to fairs for the food!) Hmmm…well, I’d have to say those warm sugary spiced nuts–I got some of those at the Pumpkin Festival this year–they give me “warm fuzzies”.

5) What’s your Silver Lining for the day? Today? Well, I just had a really healthy bowel movement, and for me, that can really make-or-break my day, so hooray for healthy poop!

6) Favoriate TV show?? I have begun to watch an embarrassing amount of television in the last year (being sick and alone a lot). I am a fan of the BRAVO network, particularly the RHW series (particularly Atlanta and the OC). I watch a lotta HGTV (Property Brothers, how cute are they?!) and the Food Network (Pioneer Woman–I’m rather devastated that they axed Paula Deen).

7) What US state or world capital would you like to visit? I would like to visit a lot of them. I haven’t been to Washington, D.C. so that is on the list.

8) What would you do if you could go back to being 18 years old? Appreciate my Mother more. I was such a punkass.

9) All time favorite movie and why?? Tough one. It’s almost unfair, really. I’ll give you several:

“The Neverending Story” (the original): because I had a wild imagination and loved to read as a kid, and I love the characters.

“Steel Magnolias” (the original): because I watched it with my Mom and sister; because it’s funny and sad and all the actresses are phenomenal.

“Little Women”: because I love period films; because I identify with Jo March; because it reminds me of my childhood; because my Mother loved it.

“The Brave Little Toaster”: because I’ve watched it like a million times, and my Mom always loved it too.

Anything Disney: because they remind me of my childhood and the music is always top-notch.

10) Favorite dessert? I freaking LOVE dessert! I LOVE to bake. There’s not just one. But I will say, that I am looking forward to making some (gluten-free) bread pudding with a bourbon sauce sometime soon. I made some (gluten-free) pumpkin chocolate chip muffins this weekend and they are to die for. I used this Breads from Anna mix and Ghirardelli chocolate chips (1 cup semi-sweet and one cup milk chocolate)–believe me these chips are far superior to other brands and you can find them in any grocery store in the US.

Ok, that’s it for the questions. Thank you ladies again for the nominations. I do not know of 10 bloggers who have not been nominated (if I’ve neglected anyone then I apologize), but here’s some ladies who definitely do deserve a Sunshine Award:

1. Merlion in Holland

2. A Bride’s Blog

3. Bruised Banana, Sad Bunny

4. Steph Mignon (an experienced blogger who probly already has this award, but she is my sunshine IRL, and the reason I started to blog in the first place)


And here are my questions for you ladies (stolen from my good friend Calm Persistence):
1. Why do you Blog?
2. What are you most proud of?
3. What is one thing you want to learn how to do?
4. If you could have any super power, what would it be?
5. What is your best piece of advice?
6. If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
7. What is your favorite season? Why?
8. What is your all time favorite meal?
9. What is your favorite song?
10. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Lately, all the people I talk to in the medical profession (mostly nurses), treat me as though I have never researched a disease I’ve had for 10 years. I don’t know what sort of idiots they’re used to dealing with, but I know a helluva lot more than they do–both from a scholarly perspective AND from a personal perspective. For example, one haughty NICU nurse said she had been diagnosed with UC a year ago. I asked what meds she took and she couldn’t even name them, but recognized them when I rattled off the different brands/types. She said “well it doesn’t matter because they’re all the same”. I didn’t bother getting into a pissing match with her, but she couldn’t be more wrong. The meds we discussed were all variations of the same ingredient (mesalamine) but they are NOT biologically equivalent–which is to say, that they are not all broken down, absorbed, and utilized the same in our bodies. Prime example: I was thrilled when I recently switched from taking 6 Delzicol capsules, to 3 Asacol HD tablets (twice daily). But the extended release meds I tried previously (Lialda) never worked as well for me, and unfortunately neither did Asacol HD, so I switched back to Delzicol this week and have seen improvement. This nurse also uses Canasa suppositories (as do I) but she crinkled her nose when I told her I’m using Remicade. Which brings me to…

ALL my doctors (particularly my GI’s) tell me to use Remicade while ttc and throughout pregnancy. ALL the boards I’ve consulted where women posted stories of their pregnancies while on Remicade and their children’s health afterwards have been nothing but positive. ALL the infusion nurses I’ve had have told me stories of Remicade patients who delivered healthy babies…

But on the flip side, all the nurses (both acquaintances and my infusion nurses) have this nervous, worried/confused look on their faces when I say that I intend to use Remicade during my pregnancy. What gives?! None of them have offered me a “cautionary tale” and in fact each of them can recall at least one Remicade patient that had a normal pregnancy.

Yes, I do read medical journals (not just google), and I’m not blindly following my doctors’ suggestions. Unfortunately (fortunately) researchers aren’t allowed to use pregnant women like lab rats, so there’s just not a lot of data available to support/refute the use of Remicade during pregnancy. So I have to base my decisions on the data I have, the severity of my disease, the experiences of other women who’ve used Remicade in pregnancy and my doctors (who are confident in prescribing Remicade to pregnant women).

So why are these nurses making me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing? Like I’m doing something wrong? I’m ok with every other ignorant “crunchy mama” telling me to quit the drugs, eat paleo and do yoga–and I appreciate everybody’s (judgement) concern, but honestly I expected nurses to be more (educated) understanding.

When I went in for my Remicade infusion today and told “Nurse Carol” that we are ttc, she said “but you’ll quit when you’re pregnant” and without hesitation I said “No”! And proceeded to fill her in on the details of my decision. I could tell she was a bit embarrassed about opening her big mouth–and she should be.

I admit that I’m pretty pushy with my friends, but even then I don’t advocate things if I can’t back my claims up with data and examples. I certainly don’t push my (medical) opinions on strangers! And knowing what a big decision Remicade is and that doctors (are supposed to) only advocate it when less invasive treatments have failed…knowing that a woman with an overactive immune system would rather risk the unknown and take Remicade, rather than lament the demise of her baby because her own (broken) body attacked her pregnancy…me personally, I would wish her well and keep my f*ing mouth shut. But that’s just me.

My Uterus is Beautimous

So, I woke Mr. MLACS up at the crack of dawn today in anticipation of my HSG. I actually decided to take the suggested 800mg of Ibuprofen, for a couple reasons:

1. My friend couldn’t find her Naproxen and I didn’t want to take narcotics.

2. Almost all of you ladies who replied said it wasn’t terribly painful, which gave me the courage to save my narcotics for other, more festive, occasions (hate to waste ’em).

I am ridiculously comfortable in hospitals (one of the many reasons I’ve decided to become a nurse) and I really like the hospital where I had the HSG. It’s the same hospital where I was born, but of course it’s been renovated and outfitted with the latest technology–and according to Mr. MLACS the cafeteria proudly serves Starbucks coffee, which lends major credibility to the entire establishment IMHO. I’m almost looking forward to coming back next week for my Remicade infusion–the gift shop was closed today but it looks like a treasure trove! Anybody else appreciate hospital gift shops? Am I the only one with this fetish?

Anyways, the procedure was quick and extremely uncomfortable, but the discomfort was brief. And being the geek that I am, I was giddy to see the x-rays of my pelvis (lower spine and hips) and my dye-filled uterus. Drum roll….it was totally “normal”. Both fallopian tubes were open and spilling. Tah dah! I can now cross off “uterine abnormalities” from my list of potential issues.

I am totally grateful for the good news; despite the anxiety I had leading up to the procedure, it was totally worth it.

Have a great weekend ladies! XO

PUMPKIN EVERYTHING! (“pregpocalypse” and lets chat about my upcoming HSG)

An abundance of pumpkins!

An abundance of pumpkins!

It’s fall season, and I’m livin’ in the heartland (the Midwest) where harvest time is cause for great celebration in the form of festivals. There are many “mascots” for fall season: scarecrows, corn husks, apples, and of course PUMPKINS.
I’ve been joyfully indulging in all things PUMPKIN, including the pumpkin spice latte (PSL), the pumpkin scone, pumpkin muffin, pumpkin bread, pumpkin bagel…I’m still due for some pumpkin pie and pumpkin cheesecake (which I will probly make for Thanksgiving dinner).
I made some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for Mr. MLACS today (and yes, I tested a couple of them–they’re marvelous). In case it’s not obvious, I haven’t been sticking to a gluten-free diet…I’m actually on a see-food diet: I see food and I eat it! Lol, totally corny joke to trivialize the fact that I need to clean up my act. Start juicing again. Stay off the gluten for more than 5 days in a row. Hit the gym. Etc. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem. Step one, check! I’ll get back to you on step two.

I quasi-tricked Mr. MLACS into going to a fall festival with me this weekend…a PUMPKIN festival! It’s always been my favorite festival. It takes place in a sleepy riverside town with a population of 106 people. It’s full of food: pork burgers, hot dogs, funnel cakes, corn-on-a-stick, kettle corn, fried oreos, homemade ice cream, etc.
And there’s lots of crafts, plus entertainment for the kiddos (maze of hay-bales, face painting, pony rides, etc.) and an adorable PUMPKIN patch, with pun’kins of all shapes and sizes, where you can purchase a blazing orange gourd the size of a tractor wheel (and then drag it through a corn field back to your car as your prize for sitting in traffic for an hour behind all the thousands of would-be festival go’ers making the annual pilgrimage into a town that only has one road).

I didn’t warn Mr. MLACS that we would be inching along in traffic for an hour just to get to this PUMPKIN-studded event, but he chuckled at me good-naturedly. When we got there the first thing I spotted was a booth selling cowhide rugs–I’ve been wanting a cowhide rug since we moved to the Southwest 2 years ago–and the lady was selling them for $150. Sweet. It’ll go well with the horned cow skull I snagged in Taos (that I refuse to part with).

The second thing I noticed was ALL the pregnant women. Fall festivals are great for families, so it should be no surprise. But geez. Instead of the zombie apocalypse it was like “pregpocalypse”.

I didn’t mention anything to Mr. MLACS, but I know that he noticed it too. I pointed a couple things out, like “that’s the kind of baby carrier I want, the kind that wraps” or “they brought the wrong kind of stroller; we’ll have an all-terrain stroller that we can use on dirt and gravel”. We stopped at a big pumpkin patch and I took a couple pictures…amongst all the mommies who were taking pictures of their little ones climbing all over the giant pumpkins…

Mr. MLACS sensed that I am desperately hoping to walk around this festival next year with our baby in the baby carrier, taking pictures next to the giant pumpkins. But I shed no tears. I didn’t even wince. I did however avoid a couple girls I went to high school with (we are ‘friends’ on facebook) because I didn’t want to say “hi” to them and meet their husband and 2.5 adorable children. Nope, I hissed at Mr. MLACS to cross to the other side of the street.

So, the PUMPKIN festival was a treat–but also a reminder that we are SO ready for our own little pun’kin (my Mom used to call me Pun’kin).

In other news, I scheduled my HSG for this Friday October 18th. E’rybody says they hurt. A LOT.

For those of you that have had HSG’s, what should I expect? How should I prepare myself? Should I have someone drive me and pick me up? Will I be laying down for the rest of the day? Will I still feel like crap on Saturday as well? I have access to Naproxen and I plan to take it before the procedure, and I have Vicodin if I should need it afterwards, but what worked for you? Thanks in advance for your input–I owe each of you a PSL. XOXO


October 12, 2013

If my first pregnancy had succeeded, I would be holding my first baby in my arms today (my estimated due date).

I’m doing ok though, had plenty of good people and special events to distract me. Today is not all “doom & gloom” (although I did see a couple pregnant bellies–you know how that goes).

“Aunt flow” came to town yesterday, which is good because I can call and schedule my HSG on Monday. But bad because my cramps are fierce, which adds insult to injury (injury being: I’m not pregnant, fo’ shizzle).

On the Ulcerative Colitis ‘front’, I switched oral meds this week to something that is easier to swallow (traded 6 capsules for 3 tablets–I can now take all my morning meds in one gulp! Score!) But now I’m ‘flaring’ again (gas/bloat/irregular bowels) and it could be from new meds…could be I need my Remicade infusion again (it’s been 6 weeks)…or could be the weather cooling off (my colon despises climatic shifts). Who knows?! I’m not ‘sposd to get the Remi for 2 more weeks, but I might re-schedule my infusion for this week if my colon won’t STFU. Stupid colon!

Also, on the Mr. MLACS ‘front’–he has spoken to his supervisor about getting on the schedule that will bring him home for the latter half of each month (for procreation & holidays)…and supervisor said “no problem”. Cool beans 🙂

Glass Half Empty? Glass Half Full?

Ha! So appropriate

Ha! So appropriate

Couple ‘o things. And I’ll start with “Warning: Massive Profan*ty” for those who are overly sensitive. Um…yeah, you might need to sit this one out.

1. Glass Half Empty
We moved to my hometown because Mr. MLACS took an assignment on a project that will take him away from me for (supposedly) the first two weeks of the month. I agreed, as long as he would be home for procreational purposes (I ovulate toward the end of the month) and the holidays. I didn’t want to put this much info out there, but whatevs, Mr. MLACS’s job is in Canada, and between his HR screwing up his paperwork and the US government shut-down (don’t get me started, I am NOT a fan of Obamacare, as I know plenty of under-insured hard-working poor people who don’t qualify because they make too much money! And today an unemployed-pothead-musician friend was bragging about signing up for Obamacare on facebook–he’s a nice guy but he does not deserve free healthcare! But I digress…)
Basically, Mr. MLACS is still at home (oh and SUCH a joy to be around. Note: workaholics who aren’t working are as pleasant as junkies with no drugs). So besides dealing with his b*llsh*t tempertantrums, this means my ttc schedule is totally screwed for this month. And I’m begging him to change his schedule so that he’ll be home for us to ttc and also for the holidays. But he just snaps at me and brushes me off…no “Honey that’s what I want too, I’ll let them know that my FAMILY comes first and I’m sure it’ll work out” or even a “Babe, if I can’t be here we’ll do IUI or whatever we need to do to have a baby”…Oh no, not this dude, he offers NO reassurance. We engaged in a fight yesterday where he had the nerve to say “It’s not MY fault YOU can’t get pregnant!” Which besides being the jerkiest thing he could possibly say, is also factually bullsh*t: I can totally GET pregnant, I just haven’t managed to STAY pregnant. F*cker. At least get your facts straight. Oh, and I love how he throws completely IRRELEVANT insults into a fight that had nothing to do with ttc–like a suckerpunch. Lame.

So I’m like, now wtf am I supposed to do? How will I get pregnant if Mr. MLACS is not going to be around pre-ovulation? Will he fight me about doing IUI’s cuz he doesn’t want to pay for them? Will he actually grow a pair and give his work an ultimatum? I think right now all he’s concerned about is his job, and he considers ttc MY problem (obviously, from his malicious comment about it being “my fault”). Hmmmmmm. So this always comes back to: Mr. MLACS gets stressed about money and work (which makes him volatile and unapproachable), I have issues I need him to work on with me, but instead of working on stuff with me he finger-points and blames and hurls insults, and NOTHING is accomplished. Always predictable, gotta give him that. Mr. MLACS, can you please stop being such an a**hole? Thanks. Cuz this sh*t is hard enough as it is. Also thanks for doing the damn dishes–but that does NOT make up for the other bullsh*t. It’s called a c-o-n-v-e-r-s-a-t-i-o-n, and we should definitely have one of those (not to be confused with: fighting).

2. Glass Half Full
Since we’ve been back in my hometown, Mr. MLACS has given me some compliments–he really likes the apartments I chose; he really liked the chili I made for dinner last night. He’s been quite agreeable to hanging with my family and friends–who all consider him part of the family. He’s been trying-ish to quit smoking cigarettes. He’s sweet to the cat. He’ll put a blanket on me when I’m cold and twice this week he has slept on the couch to give me room in the bed (I guess I was flailing about). He offered to make me breakfast this morning. Obviously, he supports me financially and takes his role as provider very seriously. I mean, he’s got his finer points. I won’t poison his apple just yet 🙂

Also, I’ve acquired 3 new doctors this week: Gastroenterologist (GI), OBGYN, and a Chiropractor. I like them all, but particularly my new OBGYN, who we’ll call Dr. Angel.
Dr. Angel is the soon-to-be FIL of a good friend of mine. He was listed as one of the providers who takes my insurance AND delivers at the hospital I was born at (which is where I would like to, God willing, have my own baby). My friend put in a good word for me, because Dr. Angel is established and can pick-and-choose his patients. My friend told me Dr. Angel is quite conservative and religious (hence I call him “Dr. Angel” as a nod to Christian faith). Dr. Angel’s children are examples of the doc’s firm beliefs–his kids are the most level-headed, goal-oriented, pleasant and polite people you can possibly meet. I finally met Dr. Angel today. He is a blessing.

Dr. Angel greeted me warmly! He then proceeded to let me babble on about the issues of the past year, carefully listening to every word and asserting questions–very politely, of course. He was soft-spoken and I sounded very boisterous compared to him, but either he liked me or he deserves an Oscar because he chuckled at my jokes and his eyes twinkled the whole time we talked.
Right off the bat, he suggested doing an HSG–which is cool, because I was going to ask him if we might ought to try one to see what’s happenin’ in my ute. He said what other doctors, including my RE’s, would not say: it’s NOT normal to lose a baby with a heartbeat of 160bpm at 7w2d. In fact, something was clearly very wrong. Hallelujah! That innate knowledge is what has spurred my medical quest for answers, so that another baby wouldn’t have to perish from whatever ill befell this first unfortunate child en-utero. But other docs just completely dismissed me and said “oh miscarriages happen so often and they’re usually chromosomal, blah blah blah”. However, I started bleeding BEFORE my baby died…I started bleeding and went to see my doc and the US showed a baby that measured almost right on target, a baby that had a heartbeat of 160bpm…not a dead baby, not a baby with a slow heartbeat or an empty sac…this baby may well have been normal, but I’ll never know, because my old OBGYN dismissed it as “typical loss of first pregnancy”, didn’t test the tissue for abnormalities, and told me to go try again. And my RE’s both acted as though I was overreacting (but kept offering up IVF like McDonald’s slings hamburgers). Not Dr. Angel though. He’s different. He seems to want answers just as much as I do. If something works or doesn’t work, he wants to know WHY, not just guess. We’re kindred in our lust for empirical data. I can tell he’s awfully sorry that I’ve lost 2 pregnancies already, and he is concerned that I not lose a 3rd. *Sniffle, Tear*

So, we talked, he examined me, and the plan is that I will start my menses (any day now that I’ve quit progesterone) and then I’ll call to schedule the HSG with his office. I won’t take any hormones this month–no Clomid or Endometrin or even Metanx. I’m relieved, cuz I need a f*ckin’ break from this stuff–the hormones mess with me physically and emotionally (you probably know what I’m talkin’ bout, right? Hormones SUCK!) Also, Mr. MLACS will most likely be in Canada when I ovulate (please God, let him go so he can get his wits about him), so there’s really no point in taking hormones. Dr. Angel said to just take this month off. He’s reading through the thick binder of medical records that I offered him, and he said that he’ll give it some thought, we’ll do the HSG, and then we’ll formulate a plan. Sounds good to me! PLUS, he has a deal in his office where you pay a flat fee of $350 per month and it covers as many ultrasounds as you need for monitoring, plus I believe it covers insemination too! Or a-la-carte I think insemination was only like $70.
That is a great deal, don’t you think?! And it means I don’t need to go see a (greedy, agenda-pushing) RE! Dr. Angel said he is PCP for most of his patients, and will be happy to monitor my thyroid and manage everything beyond my GI. Do you have any idea how happy it makes me that I only need 2 doctors?! I’m ecstatic. I really, really adore Dr. Angel. I mean, I wish I didn’t have all the issues I have, but I feel very fortunate to have good people helping me through them (yes, that includes you Mr. MLACS).

October is now officially “taking a break” month, and as much as I hate to postpone baby-making for a month, I know it’s an opportunity for me to get my sh*t together: work with the chiropractor, work-out, eat better, settle into our new home, take a break from hormones, have the HSG, figure out Mr. MLACS’s schedule, possibly set up an IUI, etc.

Pregnant? Me? Of Course Not!

Here’s how it happened: Mr. MLACS and I decided to take one of those CBD tests last night after a 3 hour hold…my urine was voluminous, fairly dark and concentrated…I pee’d in a cup and dipped the stick, and we waited…Mr. MLACS kept teasing me & running toward the bathroom to look before me–I hated that–but finally we both saw…NOT PREGNANT flashing across the screen.

Then, we masochistically watched the movie “Marley and Me”, about a couple (Jen Aniston + Owen Wilson) and their dog named Marley. In the movie, Jen has one early miscarriage but then goes on to pop out 3 kids effortlessly, and Marley dies. I cried harder about Jen Aniston having babies than I did about good ‘ol Marley passing away–where are MY babies?!

After “Marley and Me” we needed to cheer up, so we went to Walgreens and bought 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream…and a pack of FRER’s so I wouldn’t have to see “Not Pregnant” next time I test. Came home and got ‘ice cream wasted’ while watching “Star Trek” the movie (cable cannot be installed until Wed) and we passed out…
Woke up, took a FRER, and–you guessed it–BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

I’m tired of it. The f*ing hormones. The hoping. Everybody else saying “oh it’ll happen” or “I’m sure you’re pregnant”. I don’t want to discuss ttc anymore. I don’t want anybody’s fingers crossed for me. I want to go back to the days when we weren’t ttc and my happiness didn’t hinge on one line vs. two lines. When my friend’s pregnancy announcement on facebook didn’t gut me because my EDD for miscarriage #2 is 2 weeks after hers. I want to rewind to a time when all the pictures of babies and kids on facebook made me feel included instead of left out.

To summarize, I officially WON’T be pregnant next weekend as we observe the EDD for Micarriage #1 on October 12th. I officially DIDN’T get that oh-so-special gift from beyond the grave from my Mother. I CAN’T keep going like this…I have to enroll in classes again, plan trips with my husband, focus on my health, and generally re-align myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.

My period is due Wednesday–and don’t you dare say “Oh well fingers crossed until the witch shows!” Because here’s what: if you get a BFN on a FRER at 13dpo, there’s a 99% chance you are NOT pregnant. There’s no reason to ‘cross your fingers’–it’s OVER. Thanks for playing, try again.