18 Months


Well this is a bit overdue because BG will be 19 months tomorrow, but I wanted to post 18 months because it feels like a milestone…

This past month has been… difficult.

BG experienced an explosion of growth both physically and mentally.

At her 18 month check-up, she measured greater than the 99% for height and head circumference (so, off the charts) and 90th percentile for weight. She is wearing 18-24 month clothing, and can still wear her 12-18 month clothing–except the length is too short. I’ve already begun to buy and dress her in 2T clothing, and honestly for length she can totally wear 3T but the width is too big.

People in Louisiana (Cajuns) are apparently a bit shorter (in general) than the corn-fed German folk of the Midwest, owing to their French-Spanish roots. This is noteworthy because BG is taller than any of the boys her age, and at least one of the mothers felt the need to point it out–she was *horrified* when she found out our kids were the same age but my daughter is inches taller than her son. This depresses me because I fully realize that BG will be ostracized for her height and made to feel bad by insecure people who think women should be petite with child-bearing hips and be barefoot in the kitchen.

Of course I’ll teach her that they are idiots.

BG and I have been checking out parks with friends and she is getting better at climbing and braver about going down slides. In fact, I am afraid of heights and some of the slides she expects me to go down with her are pretty freakin’ steep for my taste.

It’s hard when your kid is braver than you are.

And my toddler is getting bolder by the day! Oh man, the AT-TI-TUDE. If she wants something she wants it NOW–I ask her to “please be patient” but it’s useless. She will whine and scream until her bidding is done. She still hits but lately only me, not other kids. I notice her behavior takes a turn when she wants my attention or when she is tired, so I try to stay one step ahead of her in order to curb the behaviors. Sometimes it works.

Other times I am calling Mr. MLACS every 20 minutes asking when he’ll be home.


Ok, so back to BG. She is really trying to talk but only a handful of words are clear. She uses lots of pointing, squealing, crying, and tugging on me to get her point across. She is easily frustrated and has nelt downs. I do my best to help her articulate herself. But sometimes I’m busy and I don’t respond quickly enough and she melts down and all I can do is scowl and wait for her to catch her breath.

Her impatience–she gets that from me.

But the good stuff… there are a lot of precious moments at 18 months. We took her to build-a-bear and she picked out a puppy and now this stuffed puppy is ger faaaaavorite. BG feeds her puffs and takes her on walks on her leash, brushes her, etc. BG gets excited about all the little things, like when I let her help me bake, or ask her to throw away trash/open the fridge/put groceries in the cart/etc. It’s adorable to see her light up when she takes part in everyday tasks! She loves to dance and it is the cuuutest thing to watch her twirl and shake her tush to The Wiggles, and she often reaches for me so we can dance together holding hands.

In those moments that my heart could burst with happiness!

And BG gives me big sloppy kisses now, which is new. She also kisses Mr. MLACS, but I do not encourage kissing other people. We blow kisses or high-five. I definitely do not believe in forcing affection on kids or from kids, so you’ll never hear me tell BG to give someone a hug or a kiss. I cringe at that. She has been extra cuddly at times because she has been teething hardcore. If I’m busy and she wants to be held I just pop her in our silk ringsling or her toddler tula. I haven’t seen a lot of babywearing folk around here, so no “tula in the wild” calls yet.

We are STILL nursing! Can you believe it?! I feel so lucky to have come this far. No lie though, I’m ready to quit whenever she is. Maybe even before she is, though I do not want to deal with weaning her before she is ready. She was just nursing at wake/naps/bed, but now that she’s teething and going through this big growth spurt/leap, she is on the boob constantly.

This month has been challenging for BG and I both–moreso for her, because it’s tough growing inches, cutting teeth, and navigating new physical and mental abilities each day. When she falls or gets mad sometimes I hold her and I tell her “I know it’s hard being little”. I get it. I know I’m not always as fair or understanding as I should be, but I try.

I love her SO much❤






I Caught Him Smoking

I put BG to bed and walked outside to find Mr. MLACS…SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

This is basically the worst thing he can possibly do, as a morbidly obese cardio myopathy patient *with* veinous insufficiency.

I had flashbacks to the phone call telling us he needed to be admitted–Mr. MLACS broke down in the middle of Chipotle and my terrified pregnant ass had to keep it together. I remember sleeping in his hospital room at 32 weeks pregnant–terrified of losing my husband and raising my baby alone. And worrying about his fragile health was a huge source of anxiety for me and fueled my PPA.

How can he DO THIS to me?

Moreover, to HIS DAUGHTER?!!

It’s a HUGE betrayal and I’m beyond disgusted. You all know how hard I’ve been trying to help him get healthy. And I can’t even consider TTC until I feel like he’s taken responsibility for his health.

He swears it was only this week. But how can I trust him? And WHY NOW? It’s been nearly 3 years since he quit smoking and we’ve been through much worse, so it doesn’t make sense that he’d buckle under pressure now.

Has he been lying to me all this time??

He was the ONE person I thought I could count on.

And here I am, jumping through hoops to better my health, taking all these fertility supplements and feeling guilty for not starting Whole30 this month…

I just feel so… hopeless.

What do I do you guys? I don’t even know anymore.






Big ‘Ol Ball Of Bad Mom And Bitter Wife

Speaking of ways I feel like a failure as a wife and mom, here–let me list them:

  1. My daughter hits now. Not hard, but quite intentionally when she is angry/frustrated with me. Then she looks at me to see my reaction.
  2. I’ve tried saying ‘Oh no, I don’t like it when you do that’. Made her stop at first, but not anymore.
  3. She will hit/bat at other kids too and I have ZERO tolerance for this.
  4. Time-outs can be used at home. But what recourse do I have in public? I actually had to get up and leave a storytime the other day because BG kept hitting and shrieking. I was beyond mortified.
  5. Sometimes I can redirect her. But in the last couple of days I have found myself losing my temper and slapping her hand when she hits me. Then she cries. Then I feel a mixture of angry/sad/guilty.
  6. She doesn’t pull this sh*t with Mr. MLACS!
  7. I have also spanked her a couple times. I hate myself for that.
  8. Mr. MLACS has been working dawn until dusk for the last 2 weeks. Every day. Leaving me with a MOODY and DEMANDING toddler and a house that is in chaos and a life that is unsettled. With no reprieve. By 7pm I give no sh*ts what anybody in this house wants from me. He needs to get home by 5:30 before “nice mommy” clocks out and “b*tchy mommy” takes over.
  9. He was *supposed* to be home by 5pm and off on weekends. I feel screwed over because I was *perfectly fine* without him when we lived in my hometown (where everything was convenient and familiar). Supposedly this is temporary due to issues at work, but I’m side-eyeing the hell out of Mr. MLACS.
  10. I’m desperate for personal space. I have been so stressed and overstimulated and my nerves are shot–having a clingy toddler 24/7 (she even clings to me in her sleep) is maddening.
  11. Doing errands wipes me out because we are f*cking 40 minutes (by highway) from the nearest Target/Starbucks/Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods/etc. The traffic is hideous no matter what time of day. This f*cks with my anxiety.
  12. So we’ve established I’m constantly on the verge of having a meltdown. And so then when my patience has worn thin and my toddler melts down (for the 50th time that day), I melt down too. It’s pathetic.
  13. I don’t want to resent Mr. MLACS for my toddler being difficult, for my inability to deal with her like a rational adult, and for my life being in upheaval–but I do. He tries to be helpful. He comes home from long days and plays with BG and the puppy, and does the dishes or goes to the store or hangs pictures or whatever I need, without complaint. I feel guilty for being mad at him–it’s not like he’s avoiding coming home, he’s just swamped at work and it’s beating him up. And yet, I resent him. Because he’s been swamped at work for the past SIX YEARS and this move was supposed to be the end of it. I did everything in regards to dealing with our infertility. I f*cking conceived BG while he was 3,000 miles away in Canada. Dealt with being by myself through PPA/PPD and the most terrifying year of my life as a new mother. And I was fine. But he lured me down here on the promise of a different life and I was not prepared for him to abandon me–it doesn’t matter if it’s for work or a trip to Vegas. I’m burnt the f*ck out, I left my safe haven to come to a foreign place, and I need my f*cking husband by 5pm AND on weekends.

F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.



Mornings With My Wiener — Schrodinger’s Catbox

“There’s a special kind of healing that comes from giving to others what you desperately needed and couldn’t find yourself.” –Schrodinger’s Catbox

BOOM! This. Is. Everything.

I f*cking LOVE you Schrodinger–if you posted more my blog would probably become a stream of your reblogs❤

Oh, my darlings. It’s been a long time. It’s a little intimidating, this blank screen. I’ve been meaning to write, been wanting to write. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve just been, I don’t know, just… Living. And that’s good, right? Life has been all, you know, lifey. We got a puppy last November, a […]

via Mornings With My Wiener — Schrodinger’s Catbox

STOP The Insanity!

Anyone remember Susan Powter? The original “biggest loser” (the show was probably conceived based on her “flab to fab” success story that parlayed into an avalanche of endorsements).

The b*tch is crazy, right? Whatever happened to her anyways? I need to google…

But this post isn’t even about her, I’m just ripping off her slogan “Stop the insanity!”

I feel like crap. I was doing so well, going to hot barre or spinning a couple times a week, walking, not eating much sugar, portion sizes, weighing myself regularly…

But since the house fire I have been “eating my feelings”, skipping the gym (in my defense BG was sick and teething a couple weeks ago so I didn’t want to take her to gym daycare), and struggling to care about my appearance (always wearing a ball cap and sunglasses). My scale either broke or ran out of batteries, and I just wasn’t compelled to deal with it so I haven’t been accountable for my weight gain.

How do I know I gained weight? Back fat. I mean I can tell other places too but the other day I twisted around and felt my back fat pleating like an accordian and it felt foreign and gross.

My bubble of denial has burst.

I feel like crap. I know all the sugar I’ve been eating is bad. Been hitting up Starbucks and getting soy milk instead of coconut milk because it tastes better (soy is SO bad for hypothyroid people and it inflames my immune system). I drink too much caffeine and not enough water. I eat too much processed food and not enough fruits and vegetables. I mean, I probably haven’t eaten a salad in a month.

I’m a mess.

My intestines were so backed up I could hardly stand it and I was too lazy (or apathetic?) to even go grab some milk of magnesia until I was beyond miserable.

But I “cleaned out” my GI tract and I feel much clearer and am motivated to get my health on track.

Because I need to, but also because BG is almost 18 months old and I am almost 37 and since time is not on my side, I plan to TTC for a sibling for her in the near-ish future. Which, we all know does not guarantee a pregnancy or a baby. And I’d be happy if BG was my only child–she’s more than enough. But I always said I wanted 2 kids, and moreover, I think it would be good for BG to have a sibling. So there you have it. I’ll do my best.

And by doing my best, I mean I’ll take all the supplements I took before I conceived BG (listed HERE). I just ordered 2 months worth for about $130 off amazon. And then I’ll eat healthy and exercise vigorously.

I’m thinking about doing a juice cleanse or the master cleanse to get started once we move. My friend and blogger extraordinaire  Steph Mignon suggested Whole30, which sounds like a good idea to start after a cleanse. Any other suggestions for gentle cleanses? My colon can’t handle a crazy detox.





All Drama, ALL the time

My brand new Southern dream house burned down.

Our parish and all the others have been ravaged by floods and we are living in a disaster area (yes, we are moving to Baton Rouge, I don’t even care about my anonymity right now). I can’t even explain how awful it is. Pray for Louisiana.

Then today CVS pharmacy called to tell me that my Pentasa, which I take 10 of per day for my Ulcerative Colitis, will cost $1200 per month, and I have to pay 25% of the cost. And there is not a single equivalent medication covered by my insurance. In fact, Ulcerative Colitis is not even on the list of covered illnesses for which “preventive medicines” are allowed. But get this–Louisiana Medicaid covers Pentasa with a copay of $5.

I am literally thinking about divorcing my husband in order to obtain adequate medical coverage.

This is so beyond f*cked up.

Mr. MLACS and I bought the best insurance plan his company offers–it’s not cheap. We looked over the plan carefully and it said $60 copay for brand names and like $20 for generic. Nowhere did it say “But only if it’s on our list”.

What if I needed one of the infusion medications, like Entyvio? Those infusions are about $30,000 each and must be given every few weeks. These infusions were the whole reason Mr. MLACS and I got secretly married 6 months before our actual wedding–because I was sick and afraid my illness could bankrupt us.

The drama just never ends.

I just don’t even know how much more I can take.


Anyone get the Sound of Music reference from the title? Just curious.

BG is 16-going-on-17 months old!

I now see her as a full-fledged toddler and no longer a baby.

I get a little melancholy and anxious when I think about how quickly time passes.

I wonder how I measure up as a mother. Am I doing the best I can? Can I do better? What should I aspire to?

But overall, I think I’m doing an ok job. Sometimes I even feel above average. And BG is a happy, healthy little kid.

BG is going through a developmental growth spurt and I am amazed.

She constantly babbles in a conversational tone and uses hand gestures for emphasis. It’s adorable! And now she starting to expand her vocabulary at a rapid pace. Our newest word is “Cheeese!”

BG wants to talk on the phone when I’m speaking to Mr. MLACS or my sister. She puts the phone to her ear and carries it all over the house, babbling. Which is fine until she starts pressing buttons. *sigh*

She had taken to playing with baby dolls at gym daycare, so I bought her a Wee Baby Stella doll and a stroller. BG loves her! My sister bought her a doll too. She carries her babies around and smooches them loudly on the head–such a sweetheart❤ We ordered a doll high chair, a feeding accessories kit, and a pair of pj’s for baby Stella and I cannot wait for them to get here!

BG loves to play pretend. She’s always whipping up food in her toy kitchen or serving tea and cupcakes at her little table I made for her. She cares for her babies. Goes shopping with her grocery cart. And she is constantly putting on my clothes and parading around the house–so funny to see her wearing a pair of pants around her neck like a feather boa.

She also loves to help me do things. Every day she squeals with delight when I ask her to help me feed puppy and kitty. She runs to the closet, opens it, and takes out the dog food. I help her scoop it and walk it over to puppy’s dish. When the cat gets his wet food, BG ceremoniously throws the packaging in the garbage–she knows every step and does things in order. She will even pick up her dirty clothes after her bath and go put them in her laundry basket without me asking! Each night she says nite nite to puppy and kitty, and brushes her teeth before bed.

BG is waaay into books now. She’s partial to pop-up books and flap books and sensory books and books with moving parts. I’ve recently expanded our collection of board books. I even bought a book about moving house (geared towards toddlers) but she’s not into it–probably should’ve bought the Bearenstein Bears moving book instead. C’est la vie.

She is also fond of her “Potty” book, and her “Ten Tiny Toes” book. We talk about going to the potty and I have a silly song I made up that she likes, but I don’t have any plans for potty training yet. She always shakes her head no when I ask her if she made a poop in her pants, even when her pants are loaded.We talk about her body parts too and BG will touch her head, knees, and toes when we sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”.

Just in the last few weeks I’ve been encouraging BG to color with crayons and color wonder markers. Sometimes I use that time to do things or look at my phone, and I sheepishly admit that BG has eaten a bit of crayon. I don’t get why it’s happened more than once–they taste like sh*t! But alas, I need to pay better attention.

I have trouble with my rosacea when I get sun on my face so we haven’t gone to the pool regularly, but we have been to a pool, a spray park, and a mini toddler water park. We have a water table on our patio that we play with. I also took BG to the science center in the city a couple weeks ago. We go play at the library and Barnes & Nobles. BG goes to gym daycare for a couple hours a week and has her super awesome nanny over to play for 3.5 hours once a week (while I step out and take time for myself). We go to parks regularly too, and for walks in her stroller. I look forward to moving so I can enroll BG in swim lessons and The Little Gym and our new Southern home is close to a zoo and a science center so we can get season passes.

Even though I try to engage BG, I work around her schedule and add/drop activities depending on her naps and how we are feeling. Like today, we just stayed in our jammies and stayed in the house all day, save for about 30 minutes playing ball with puppy and blowing bubbles on the patio. I cooked and cleaned and let BG help a little. We played dolls. I let BG help me make scones. She took a 3 hour nap, so I ended up skipping the grocery store and that’s ok. We can go tomorrow instead.

I bought BG a bunch of clothes at Gymboree and earned $50 in “gym bucks”. Things I look forward to: cashing in my gym bucks and buying BG more clothes in September! I might walk around looking homeless, but my kid always looks fresh. And I always put her in comfy shoes, like vans or converse. I looove her little pink velcro converse shoes!

And I mean, I need to buy her clothes because she is growing like a weed. I need to measure her again but I’m sure she’s every bit of 34 inches. She wears 18-24 month but needs 2T in some stuff for the length (like rompers). I keep all her clothes because 1. I love them and paid a lot for them, and 2. Part of me hopes to have another girl.

BG is starting to wean from nursing. Not nursing much during the day, just morning, naps, and bedtime. Whereas nursing used to put her to sleep, it seems she gets wound up by me being in bed with her, so a lot of the time I nurse her for up to 45 minutes, then if she can’t get to sleep I tuck her in and let her fuss for a few until she falls asleep on her own. Six months ago I thought I’d be co-sleeping until she went to college. But now I think she’ll be ready to transition to her own bed soon enough. To tell you the truth though, I’m not ready yet–even if she is.

Did I mention that BG loves to dance?! Oh she dearly loves to dance, and I dearly love to watch her and dance with her. It is my most favorite thing. She will rock out to any song, even commercials! I would say our favorite song is the Sesame Street theme song, but we love them all. She likes to play with her musical instruments too (drum, maraccas, recorder, tambourine).

I think that’s all for now–just needed to write about how awesome my kid is and how much I love her.

There is a story book that I discovered at the library, then bought it because I was mesmerized by the illustrations. It’s called “Before You Came”. It’s quite lovely. And there is one line that I adore:

“Now everything that came before you, is for you”

And that is how I feel about my BG. I want to give her a beautiful childhood.