Big ‘Ol Ball Of Bad Mom And Bitter Wife

Speaking of ways I feel like a failure as a wife and mom, here–let me list them:

  1. My daughter hits now. Not hard, but quite intentionally when she is angry/frustrated with me. Then she looks at me to see my reaction.
  2. I’ve tried saying ‘Oh no, I don’t like it when you do that’. Made her stop at first, but not anymore.
  3. She will hit/bat at other kids too and I have ZERO tolerance for this.
  4. Time-outs can be used at home. But what recourse do I have in public? I actually had to get up and leave a storytime the other day because BG kept hitting and shrieking. I was beyond mortified.
  5. Sometimes I can redirect her. But in the last couple of days I have found myself losing my temper and slapping her hand when she hits me. Then she cries. Then I feel a mixture of angry/sad/guilty.
  6. She doesn’t pull this sh*t with Mr. MLACS!
  7. I have also spanked her a couple times. I hate myself for that.
  8. Mr. MLACS has been working dawn until dusk for the last 2 weeks. Every day. Leaving me with a MOODY and DEMANDING toddler and a house that is in chaos and a life that is unsettled. With no reprieve. By 7pm I give no sh*ts what anybody in this house wants from me. He needs to get home by 5:30 before “nice mommy” clocks out and “b*tchy mommy” takes over.
  9. He was *supposed* to be home by 5pm and off on weekends. I feel screwed over because I was *perfectly fine* without him when we lived in my hometown (where everything was convenient and familiar). Supposedly this is temporary due to issues at work, but I’m side-eyeing the hell out of Mr. MLACS.
  10. I’m desperate for personal space. I have been so stressed and overstimulated and my nerves are shot–having a clingy toddler 24/7 (she even clings to me in her sleep) is maddening.
  11. Doing errands wipes me out because we are f*cking 40 minutes (by highway) from the nearest Target/Starbucks/Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods/etc. The traffic is hideous no matter what time of day. This f*cks with my anxiety.
  12. So we’ve established I’m constantly on the verge of having a meltdown. And so then when my patience has worn thin and my toddler melts down (for the 50th time that day), I melt down too. It’s pathetic.
  13. I don’t want to resent Mr. MLACS for my toddler being difficult, for my inability to deal with her like a rational adult, and for my life being in upheaval–but I do. He tries to be helpful. He comes home from long days and plays with BG and the puppy, and does the dishes or goes to the store or hangs pictures or whatever I need, without complaint. I feel guilty for being mad at him–it’s not like he’s avoiding coming home, he’s just swamped at work and it’s beating him up. And yet, I resent him. Because he’s been swamped at work for the past SIX YEARS and this move was supposed to be the end of it. I did everything in regards to dealing with our infertility. I f*cking conceived BG while he was 3,000 miles away in Canada. Dealt with being by myself through PPA/PPD and the most terrifying year of my life as a new mother. And I was fine. But he lured me down here on the promise of a different life and I was not prepared for him to abandon me–it doesn’t matter if it’s for work or a trip to Vegas. I’m burnt the f*ck out, I left my safe haven to come to a foreign place, and I need my f*cking husband by 5pm AND on weekends.

F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.

XOXO,

MLACS

Mornings With My Wiener — Schrodinger’s Catbox

“There’s a special kind of healing that comes from giving to others what you desperately needed and couldn’t find yourself.” –Schrodinger’s Catbox

BOOM! This. Is. Everything.

I f*cking LOVE you Schrodinger–if you posted more my blog would probably become a stream of your reblogs❤

Oh, my darlings. It’s been a long time. It’s a little intimidating, this blank screen. I’ve been meaning to write, been wanting to write. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve just been, I don’t know, just… Living. And that’s good, right? Life has been all, you know, lifey. We got a puppy last November, a […]

via Mornings With My Wiener — Schrodinger’s Catbox

STOP The Insanity!

Anyone remember Susan Powter? The original “biggest loser” (the show was probably conceived based on her “flab to fab” success story that parlayed into an avalanche of endorsements).

The b*tch is crazy, right? Whatever happened to her anyways? I need to google…

But this post isn’t even about her, I’m just ripping off her slogan “Stop the insanity!”

I feel like crap. I was doing so well, going to hot barre or spinning a couple times a week, walking, not eating much sugar, portion sizes, weighing myself regularly…

But since the house fire I have been “eating my feelings”, skipping the gym (in my defense BG was sick and teething a couple weeks ago so I didn’t want to take her to gym daycare), and struggling to care about my appearance (always wearing a ball cap and sunglasses). My scale either broke or ran out of batteries, and I just wasn’t compelled to deal with it so I haven’t been accountable for my weight gain.

How do I know I gained weight? Back fat. I mean I can tell other places too but the other day I twisted around and felt my back fat pleating like an accordian and it felt foreign and gross.

My bubble of denial has burst.

I feel like crap. I know all the sugar I’ve been eating is bad. Been hitting up Starbucks and getting soy milk instead of coconut milk because it tastes better (soy is SO bad for hypothyroid people and it inflames my immune system). I drink too much caffeine and not enough water. I eat too much processed food and not enough fruits and vegetables. I mean, I probably haven’t eaten a salad in a month.

I’m a mess.

My intestines were so backed up I could hardly stand it and I was too lazy (or apathetic?) to even go grab some milk of magnesia until I was beyond miserable.

But I “cleaned out” my GI tract and I feel much clearer and am motivated to get my health on track.

Because I need to, but also because BG is almost 18 months old and I am almost 37 and since time is not on my side, I plan to TTC for a sibling for her in the near-ish future. Which, we all know does not guarantee a pregnancy or a baby. And I’d be happy if BG was my only child–she’s more than enough. But I always said I wanted 2 kids, and moreover, I think it would be good for BG to have a sibling. So there you have it. I’ll do my best.

And by doing my best, I mean I’ll take all the supplements I took before I conceived BG (listed HERE). I just ordered 2 months worth for about $130 off amazon. And then I’ll eat healthy and exercise vigorously.

I’m thinking about doing a juice cleanse or the master cleanse to get started once we move. My friend and blogger extraordinaire  Steph Mignon suggested Whole30, which sounds like a good idea to start after a cleanse. Any other suggestions for gentle cleanses? My colon can’t handle a crazy detox.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

 

All Drama, ALL the time

My brand new Southern dream house burned down.

Our parish and all the others have been ravaged by floods and we are living in a disaster area (yes, we are moving to Baton Rouge, I don’t even care about my anonymity right now). I can’t even explain how awful it is. Pray for Louisiana.

Then today CVS pharmacy called to tell me that my Pentasa, which I take 10 of per day for my Ulcerative Colitis, will cost $1200 per month, and I have to pay 25% of the cost. And there is not a single equivalent medication covered by my insurance. In fact, Ulcerative Colitis is not even on the list of covered illnesses for which “preventive medicines” are allowed. But get this–Louisiana Medicaid covers Pentasa with a copay of $5.

I am literally thinking about divorcing my husband in order to obtain adequate medical coverage.

This is so beyond f*cked up.

Mr. MLACS and I bought the best insurance plan his company offers–it’s not cheap. We looked over the plan carefully and it said $60 copay for brand names and like $20 for generic. Nowhere did it say “But only if it’s on our list”.

What if I needed one of the infusion medications, like Entyvio? Those infusions are about $30,000 each and must be given every few weeks. These infusions were the whole reason Mr. MLACS and I got secretly married 6 months before our actual wedding–because I was sick and afraid my illness could bankrupt us.

The drama just never ends.

I just don’t even know how much more I can take.

16-going-on-17

Anyone get the Sound of Music reference from the title? Just curious.

BG is 16-going-on-17 months old!

I now see her as a full-fledged toddler and no longer a baby.

I get a little melancholy and anxious when I think about how quickly time passes.

I wonder how I measure up as a mother. Am I doing the best I can? Can I do better? What should I aspire to?

But overall, I think I’m doing an ok job. Sometimes I even feel above average. And BG is a happy, healthy little kid.

BG is going through a developmental growth spurt and I am amazed.

She constantly babbles in a conversational tone and uses hand gestures for emphasis. It’s adorable! And now she starting to expand her vocabulary at a rapid pace. Our newest word is “Cheeese!”

BG wants to talk on the phone when I’m speaking to Mr. MLACS or my sister. She puts the phone to her ear and carries it all over the house, babbling. Which is fine until she starts pressing buttons. *sigh*

She had taken to playing with baby dolls at gym daycare, so I bought her a Wee Baby Stella doll and a stroller. BG loves her! My sister bought her a doll too. She carries her babies around and smooches them loudly on the head–such a sweetheart❤ We ordered a doll high chair, a feeding accessories kit, and a pair of pj’s for baby Stella and I cannot wait for them to get here!

BG loves to play pretend. She’s always whipping up food in her toy kitchen or serving tea and cupcakes at her little table I made for her. She cares for her babies. Goes shopping with her grocery cart. And she is constantly putting on my clothes and parading around the house–so funny to see her wearing a pair of pants around her neck like a feather boa.

She also loves to help me do things. Every day she squeals with delight when I ask her to help me feed puppy and kitty. She runs to the closet, opens it, and takes out the dog food. I help her scoop it and walk it over to puppy’s dish. When the cat gets his wet food, BG ceremoniously throws the packaging in the garbage–she knows every step and does things in order. She will even pick up her dirty clothes after her bath and go put them in her laundry basket without me asking! Each night she says nite nite to puppy and kitty, and brushes her teeth before bed.

BG is waaay into books now. She’s partial to pop-up books and flap books and sensory books and books with moving parts. I’ve recently expanded our collection of board books. I even bought a book about moving house (geared towards toddlers) but she’s not into it–probably should’ve bought the Bearenstein Bears moving book instead. C’est la vie.

She is also fond of her “Potty” book, and her “Ten Tiny Toes” book. We talk about going to the potty and I have a silly song I made up that she likes, but I don’t have any plans for potty training yet. She always shakes her head no when I ask her if she made a poop in her pants, even when her pants are loaded.We talk about her body parts too and BG will touch her head, knees, and toes when we sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”.

Just in the last few weeks I’ve been encouraging BG to color with crayons and color wonder markers. Sometimes I use that time to do things or look at my phone, and I sheepishly admit that BG has eaten a bit of crayon. I don’t get why it’s happened more than once–they taste like sh*t! But alas, I need to pay better attention.

I have trouble with my rosacea when I get sun on my face so we haven’t gone to the pool regularly, but we have been to a pool, a spray park, and a mini toddler water park. We have a water table on our patio that we play with. I also took BG to the science center in the city a couple weeks ago. We go play at the library and Barnes & Nobles. BG goes to gym daycare for a couple hours a week and has her super awesome nanny over to play for 3.5 hours once a week (while I step out and take time for myself). We go to parks regularly too, and for walks in her stroller. I look forward to moving so I can enroll BG in swim lessons and The Little Gym and our new Southern home is close to a zoo and a science center so we can get season passes.

Even though I try to engage BG, I work around her schedule and add/drop activities depending on her naps and how we are feeling. Like today, we just stayed in our jammies and stayed in the house all day, save for about 30 minutes playing ball with puppy and blowing bubbles on the patio. I cooked and cleaned and let BG help a little. We played dolls. I let BG help me make scones. She took a 3 hour nap, so I ended up skipping the grocery store and that’s ok. We can go tomorrow instead.

I bought BG a bunch of clothes at Gymboree and earned $50 in “gym bucks”. Things I look forward to: cashing in my gym bucks and buying BG more clothes in September! I might walk around looking homeless, but my kid always looks fresh. And I always put her in comfy shoes, like vans or converse. I looove her little pink velcro converse shoes!

And I mean, I need to buy her clothes because she is growing like a weed. I need to measure her again but I’m sure she’s every bit of 34 inches. She wears 18-24 month but needs 2T in some stuff for the length (like rompers). I keep all her clothes because 1. I love them and paid a lot for them, and 2. Part of me hopes to have another girl.

BG is starting to wean from nursing. Not nursing much during the day, just morning, naps, and bedtime. Whereas nursing used to put her to sleep, it seems she gets wound up by me being in bed with her, so a lot of the time I nurse her for up to 45 minutes, then if she can’t get to sleep I tuck her in and let her fuss for a few until she falls asleep on her own. Six months ago I thought I’d be co-sleeping until she went to college. But now I think she’ll be ready to transition to her own bed soon enough. To tell you the truth though, I’m not ready yet–even if she is.

Did I mention that BG loves to dance?! Oh she dearly loves to dance, and I dearly love to watch her and dance with her. It is my most favorite thing. She will rock out to any song, even commercials! I would say our favorite song is the Sesame Street theme song, but we love them all. She likes to play with her musical instruments too (drum, maraccas, recorder, tambourine).

I think that’s all for now–just needed to write about how awesome my kid is and how much I love her.

There is a story book that I discovered at the library, then bought it because I was mesmerized by the illustrations. It’s called “Before You Came”. It’s quite lovely. And there is one line that I adore:

“Now everything that came before you, is for you”

And that is how I feel about my BG. I want to give her a beautiful childhood.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

 

 

Gone With The Wind

images-163

Our Southern dream home–that kitchen I posted a pic of in my previous “Heading South” post–it’s gone with the wind.

There was a fire.

We are still in shock.

It happened Monday afternoon and I still have to wake up and ask myself if this really happened.

Mr. MLACS had returned to the Midwest after being away for a month (working at his new job in the South). We were expecting the movers on Wednesday. I had just returned from what I thought was my last trip to my local target store. I bought BG her first baby doll (a wee stella doll) and a stroller, and she was obsessed–we were giggling as she pushed the stroller around and cussed me in gibberish when I tried to help.

We were blissfully unaware that our world was about to turn upside down.

And then our realtor called, and I saw Mr. MLACS’s smile twist into a look of horror and panic.

Our realtor said the fire department had called her and informed her there was a fire. And she was on her way there.

We clung to the hope, “Maybe it’s not that bad”.

There were flurries of phone calls to various entities and finally, pictures sent to us via text.

It was THAT bad.

One entire side of the house was burnt to a crisp and damage throughout. And the chilling part was…

The fire started above what would have been BG’s bedroom.

I was holding it together until I imagined losing my precious baby or my pets to this fire. Or my husband. Oh Lord, no. I feel physical pain at the thought of how tragic this could have been.

It feels like one of those nightmares where you’re falling and falling and just waiting to hit the ground. It’s the worst feeling.

We are grieving. There is no other way to describe it. We are going through the stages of grief.

We break down, compose ourselves, and put one foot in front of the other. Over and over.

It appears to have been faulty wiring. Specifically, an issue that was *previously flagged as a safety hazard during inspection* and supposedly corrected. Our homeowners insurance is going to go after the builder’s insurance. This could get ugly, and we are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Ultimately, it looks like we’ll be completely tearing it down and rebuilding it.

The tentative plan is to find temporary housing and resume moving house ASAP. But for now, myself, BG, and the pets are staying at our home in the Midwest, and poor Mr. MLACS has had to return to the South by himself to deal with this situation and go back to work.

We are SO sick of living apart and we need each other right now. This sucks.

This whole situation is emotionally draining.

But…

We are so so so very fortunate that we were not in the house at the time of the fire. We are all ok.

None of our things were there either, save for a couple (brand new) mattresses and about $6k worth of new appliances we had purchased and delivered just a week ago. These things can be replaced.

None of our stuff was even packed, because we were waiting for the movers to come pack it on Wednesday (today).

There was definitely a guardian angel(s) looking out for us–my Mom, for sure, and I feel there were others.

And it is heartwarming that so many friends have reached out to us, to check on us and offer help. What’s more, the small community we are moving to has been very supportive–everyone we know and many complete strangers have helped us and offered to help and support us in any way possible.

It brings a tear to my eye. Tears of joy at the good in this world. That people care.

I’ve found true friends already and I don’t even live there.

This is another blessing in disguise, just like all my other trials in life.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unpacking

Hey ladies, hope you all are well!

I have been preparing for our move, but not in the way one would expect. I haven’t packed a single box, and I don’t intend to–since it’s a company move, we are provided with movers who will pack our things. It’s such a relief to not have to worry about that.

But I still worry. A LOT. I have anxiety and depression and for me (for a great many people) peace of mind is especially hard to attain.

Therapy taught me a lot about myself. How I process things, how I react to them–and then how to try to gain perspective and react in a healthy way. Therapy was very helpful.

After nearly 2 years of weekly or bi-weekly visits with my therapist, it was hard to say goodbye to her. She was with me through almost my entire pregnancy (began seeing her at 12 weeks), through crippling fear due to IF/RPL, through birth planning, through Mr. MLACS’s health crisis, through family issues, through the breastfeeding struggles, the PPA, through every.single.thing. She has been my touchstone–my guiding light–my pillar of strength and wisdom.

How do you quit your guru cold-turkey? When there is nothing and no one to take her place?

Well, I just put one foot in front of the other until the day we had to say goodbye. Somehow, I knew I’d be ok. And she kindly offered to speak to me if I felt the need.

Meanwhile, I had been curious about a thing called EFT tapping. A friend (who also has anxiety) mentioned that a mutual friend had used EFT tapping on her son (who has anxiety) and it immediately changed his behavior and made him less anxious.

“Hmmm”, I thought, “Maybe I should try it”. But then I didn’t. I was apprehensive about reaching out to mutual friend to ask her about it.

Until I had to quit therapy and started to feel like a “basket case” as the impending move loomed closer. Then I began to feel desperate. And I was ready to try anything and everything in order to keep my sh*t together, for my family’s sake.

So I reached out to mutual friend and asked to meet with her.

I had very realistic expectations–I just wanted to feel a little bit better. I just wanted things to feel manageable instead of feeling overwhelmed.

It FAR exceeded my expectations.

I went in expecting to talk about the issues I pinpointed in therapy. And I did. But as I spoke about them my friend asked me what emotions I had, and where I felt them. I was taken aback, but I was able to articulate feelings that corresponded to each issue I approached, “Angry”, “Sad”, “Betrayed”, “Frustrated”, “Confused” and so many more. When prompted, I realized I felt a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, a heavyness in my stomach, in relation to each issue/emotion. This was quite a revelation.

After we identified the issue (thought), the emotion, and the physical symptom, my friend would have me tap through the EFT tapping points and repeat after her. An example might be:

“When ABC did XYZ I was frustrated and sad, but even though ABC did XYZ and I am frustrated and sad, I *deeply and completely accept myself*”

And after tapping it out, my friend would ask me how I felt on a scale of 0-10, and each time I felt relieved. I felt better. I was going from a solid 7 to a 3 or 4, sometimes a 2, with issues that had been plaguing me for months and years. I could physically feel my negative emotions being released.

My friend asked how I felt and I said lighter and more energetic–like I had just drank a 5 hour energy drink. She smiled and said that negative emotions weigh us down and most people do feel a physical energy shift when purging them.

I am a fan of metaphysics. It was not hard for me to believe.

I left feeling higher than a kite. I called Mr. MLACS and shared my excitement and that I couldn’t wait to do it again!

In between sessions, I occassionally tapped on myself, and saw positive results every time. My mood lifted. I was more productive. I felt more fulfilled.

The next two sessions were more intense. They dredged up some core issues for me (the kind of things you bury deep within yourself and never allow yourself to think about). But even though I didn’t leave those sessions feeling “high”, I left with some peace of mind and the feeling that I am headed in the right direction.

I am healing. But the healing process will take time–my scars run deep. I am ok with this.

So ladies, instead of packing my things, I have been unpacking my emotional baggage.

XOXO,

MLACS