I didn’t get into a swimsuit one single time this summer, and I’m kind of counting that as a “win” because my postpartum body is droopy from pregnancy and also fluffy from taking domperidone to breastfeed. I’m sore and tired and I do not feel like my usual sporty/athletic self. The weather in the northeastern United States is another reason I never donned a swimsuit–the water wasn’t warm enough to swim until mid-June and even then it was frigid. It rained all through July. And now it’s the end of August and temperatures have dropped considerably to low-70’s during the day and mid-50’s at night. I like the weather, but this is new to me. I’ve lived in the midwest, the deep south, the the southwest–all way warmer during the summer.
We just took a “vacation” to my hometown in the midwest. It was mainly for my sister’s wedding–which I was apprehensive about because of all the drama between us–but it was lovely! The girls were both flower girls and they wore matching dresses (thanks etsy) and looked absolutely precious! BG walked down the aisle tossing rose petals alongside the ring bearer, while Mr. MLACS walked behind them carrying LS. It was funny because BG and LS had matching flower crowns but LS was not having it–so Mr. MLACS wore her flower crown! Lol. We totally asked my sister (the bride) if she wanted him to wear the crown and she laughed and agreed it was a cute/funny idea. I walked her down the aisle, since both our parents are deceased. I didn’t think much about it…about our parents not being there. I assume that is because it’s too overwhelming and sad to think of how things used to be and how they might have been, if only they were still alive. Everyone else cried though.
BG LOVED being a flower girl and had a ball dancing the night away with the other little girls who attended as guests–she loved every minute of it and didn’t even sit down to eat cake! BG also adores my sister and followed her around like a lost puppy, crying when my sister had to ditch her to go take pictures and smoke cigarettes outside. I hate that she smokes like a chimney and that her smoking keeps her from bonding with my girls. And because I know I’m going to lose my only sister–my only sibling–to cancer or lung disease. She has been chain smoking since she was 12 and she is turning 38 years old today. I try not to think about her dying because it breaks my heart. I was happy to celebrate her wedding…and to know that she has someone to love and care for her if/when she becomes terminally ill…of course I will be by her side but I have kids and my own problems so it’s best that she has someone devoted only to her. I WISH she would quit smoking! She could quit and turn her life around! But I don’t think she will. It is so hard for me to accept, but I try. And I love her no matter what.
The rest of vacation was spent visiting friends and dealing with my inherited rental properties/property manager (this was a business trip, dontchaknow). I have spent, hell, probably $50k on these freaking POS houses this year. Finally they are all rented and with better quality tenants than the ones who defected, but they still need work! I’m so OVER it and have considered selling them, but apparently low income rental properties are THE thing right now so I suppose I’ll hold onto them unless/until I figure out a better way to invest my money.
BG will be off to pre-K next week! It’s starting to hit me how fast she is growing up and how few “magical” years I have left with her. LS is nearly 6 months old! It’s been a tough year with all the moving–it was this time last year that things went sideways with Mr. MLACS’s job in the deep south and we were working on striking a deal with his current employer. I was freaking out wondering if all this stress was going to kill him. This time last year I was just barely out of the first trimester, during which I was super sick. I did NOT want to move away from our gorgeous house and good friends.
A year ago I couldn’t even imagine how much things would change–moving twice–selling a house in one state, buying a house in another, and in-between houses I gave birth and brought my baby home to a rental house!
I’m still sad and conflicted about laying Kitty to rest–a year ago I did not imagine he would be gone *pause for tears of grief*. BG talks about him all the time now and I feel horribly guilty and sad every time I think of him.
A year ago I was still living in the deep south and taking BG to the pool and splash pads, not knowing if or when we were moving. I had a gut feeling that everything was about to change, and I was panicked.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to take it all in stride, that things were going to be ok and that I should stay present in the moment instead of worrying about the future. I feel like I have lost precious time with BG because of all the stressing and worrying I’ve done this past year. But bless her, she is still a happy, healthy, precious little kid despite my neurosis. And LS seems no worse for the wear, either.
Now summer is over. We are moved. My baby is laying next to me nursing. My BG is watching cartoons and playing quietly downstairs. Maybe I can just relax and live in the moment for awhile…? Not reliving Mr. MLACS’s cardiac arrest. Not planning my sister’s funeral. Just, breathe and soak in the goodness of all the little things, most especially, my babies.