Damn You Mittelschmerz!

Mittelschmerz = Technical term for “painful ovulation”

1:30am

I started having cramp-ishness in the evening circa 6pm, and by 7pm I was walking hunched over. I was in bed by 8pm. But then Mr. MLACS woke me up as he was settling into bed at 11pm, and I tried to go back to sleep but eventually pacified myself looking at FB and blogs. Then…I started to feel like my uterus was trying to be ripped out of my a**hole…and now here I sit on the couch in my pink fuzzy bathrobe, hunched over the laptop with a cup of hot tea (may I recommend Celestial Seasonings Apple Cinnamon) and my Kleenex close at hand…it seems unfair that I’m in such a horrible amount of pain and I have a bathroom cabinet full of painkillers and muscle relaxers, but for purely procreational purposes I’ve limited myself to Tylenol Extra Strength (I haven’t even taken cold meds this week). I’m sitting here rocking back-and-forth because it mildly helps the pain, but standing or laying down is uncomfortable–how the hell am I supposed to make Thanksgiving dinner like this??! This sh*t (injectables + iui) had better work…Lord have mercy…

6:30am

After passing out on the couch with a pillow between my legs, Mr. MLACS woke me up at 6am and I paged Dr. Angel to be sure he was available, he was, and I said I’d be at his office by 6:30. Mr. MLACS helped me load the Thanksgiving odds-n-ends that I needed to take to my family’s house to dress our turkey straight away after the appointment, and off we went. Dr. Angel was ready for me and asked me if I had any pain, to which I replied “Oh gawd YES, it’s been awful”, and I think he noticed that I cringed when he took out the dildocam–I’m still so tender that the thought of it turned me off. But as soon as the image of my left ovary appeared on the screen, I knew it was good news and Dr. Angel confirmed it when he exclaimed “They’re all GONE!” And then we admired the large amount of fluid accumulated between my uterus and anus (no wonder it felt like “someone trying to rip my uterus through my butt”–I didn’t say that out loud though). I also noticed when Dr. Angel tipped me backwards in his ‘fancy chair’ that my boobs are bigger today. I’m a little worried because Dr. Angel intoned that he is not afraid of twins–but a little concerned because the last time he did this protocol it ended in triplets…OMFG, I could handle it but I surely do not wish for it. Dr. Angel surprised me by saying I could test this next Wednesday or Thursday, which seems awfully early but you don’t have to tell me to POAS twice, lol. He also tells me that I ought to have sex again today…which makes me want to cry…

7:30am

Arrive at my family’s house and dress the turkey using this recipe (click ‘this recipe’ if you’re curious). This is the first turkey I’ve made for my family and I have grand delusions of them applauding me and telling me it’s the best they’ve ever had.

8:15-10:30am

Leave family’s house and go home to shower and grab a few more things we need. Mr. MLACS insists that we follow Dr. Angel’s instructions to have sex once more, and I begrudgingly remove only my pants (remaining in my sweatshirt and large fuzzy socks) to signify that this is business and not pleasure–gotta hand it to Mr. MLACS, the deed requires absolutely zero effort on my part and he is very efficient. After the “business” is handled and I’ve fixed myself up a bit, we head to the dollar store to buy a few last minute tupperware containers to cart our portion of leftovers home with us (Mr. MLACS refuses to shop on Thanksgiving because his mother is vehemently opposed to stores being open on Thanksgiving, so he is sworn to secrecy).

10:30am-3:30pm
Cook insane amounts of food, with Mr. MLACS as my trusty sidekick and my Grandma trying to help. My turkey and my ham both turned out beautifully, as did the potatoes au gratin, stuffing, and sweet potatoes. Grandma made the pies (pecan and lemon meringue) and my sister made green bean casserole. I set the table with a poinsettia, matching red cloth napkins, and our family’s good china–it looked the way it used to when my Mom made our holiday dinners (legit). We all had plenty to eat and my family was appreciative of my (and Mr. MLACS’s) efforts, and that makes it all worthwhile. Plus we have tons of leftovers! I’m freakin’ exhausted–but grateful–very, very grateful.
Turkey Time
I hope you all had/are having a wonderful Thanksgiving (and for those not celebrating, happy Thursday!) XOXO

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Gobble Gobble (I’m Basted)!

turkey baster

It occurred to me how timely it is that I got “turkey basted” just in time for Thanksgiving…

Here’s the last 2 days events:

Yesterday (Tuesday):

  1. Saw Dr. Angel yesterday morning for dildocam monitoring and was happy to see that my follies measured ’21’ and ‘19.5’ and my uterine lining is circa ’12’. Got the HCG trigger shot!!!
  2. Came home yesterday after seeing Dr. Angel and tossed around the idea of having sex (against doctor’s advice)…finally Mr. MLACS was like “Screw it, we ARE DOING THIS”, and so we did “it”.
  3. We ate at Gordon Biersch and went to go see “Hunger Games: Catching Fire” at a badass movie theater with leather reclining seats–first ‘date night’ in a month!
  4. On our way home I just felt awful–headache, bloating, my Ulcerative Colitis was ‘flaring’ pretty hardcore…I’m thinking at least part of this is due to the HCG trigger shot (do you think so?). And of course, I still have my head cold–I look like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

Today (Wednesday):

  1. Woke up at 7am (even though I had intended to sleep in a little) when Mr. MLACS had to get up to go give his “sample”–he went without me but I couldn’t fall back to sleep!
  2. Mr. MLACS came home after giving his sample and picked me up (while the sperm was being ‘processed’) and then we went back to the fertility clinic to pick up the sample. (The reason we had to pick it up is because we were doing the IUI with my OBGYN, Dr. Angel, but had to have the sperm processed in the fertility clinic at our local University Hospital, then retrieve it and take it to Dr. Angel’s office.
  3. Sperm Stats**Total Count: 412 million  Post Wash: 160 million (80% motility) Final Specimen: 51 million (100% motility)
  4. My Husband is the biggest Cock-A-Doodle…literally…he’s SO proud of his sperm he’s strutting down the street practically crowing like a rooster *eye roll* But I will say that I find him entertaining when he’s like this.
  5. Dr. Angel’s office wasted no time getting us in a room and Dr. Angel almost walked in on me sans sheet and “naked-from-the-waist-down” (I have heard this phrase no less than 20 times this month, and not from my husband). Dr. Angel made quick work of the insemination and left me to “marinate” for 20 minutes while Mr. MLACS acted giddy and poked fun at me while I was in a compromised position. Again, I want to smack him when he’s obnoxious BUT I can’t help but laugh.
  6. After 20 minutes Dr. Angel ushered us to the “dildocam theater”, where we were able to admire my 2 lovely follies, which had grown to 21.5 and 21, and my uterine lining was still  a plush 12. Needless to say, Dr. Angel, Myself, and Mr. MLACS were practically high-fiving and congratulating each other on our jobs well done. I have to add, Dr. Angel was in rare form today and made us laugh with stories about his residency and some of his colleagues (who are batsh*t crazy btw). I giggled the whole time we were in the office! I just LOVE me some Dr. Angel. Seriously.
  7. Dr. Angel instructed us to go home and have plenty of sex, but what really happened is I went to make a bank deposit and buy some probiotics in hopes of pacifying my vagina and colon (Thanks Emily), and while I was gone Mr. MLACS passed out on the couch and now he’s snoring while I’m blogging–there is no ‘sexing’ going on. Oh but I promise you that we will get a session in the next couple of hours, even though I think our bases are covered between yesterday’s sex and today’s ‘basting’.

So that’s all for now folks. I have to wake up at fuggin’ 6:00 in the morning and page Dr. Angel (lest he may be delivering a baby or whatevs) and meet him at his office at 6:30am for a dildocam appointment to see if I did ovulate. I freaking hope this works! Then, I will go straight to my family’s house and prep the turkey and put that sucker in the oven–and pray that I get a nap in before dinner. Mr. MLACS (and me, sort of) are optimistic…last night while we were waiting to be seated at the movie theater he was googling strollers…it’s SO adorable…please God let this work so I don’t have to see his face crumple like a little kid who just found out Santa Claus isn’t real (again). Amen.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING LADIES!

XOXO

 

Are We There Yet??????? Geez….

Sorry, bullet points:

The Essentials:

  • 2 follies on left ovary: ‘19.5’ and ’17’, hopefully tomorrow morning they’ll both have grown a couple millimeters.
  • My OPK was very negative, so I’m not terribly concerned about ovulating early (although I’d be lying if I said I was totally unconcerned).
  • My Estradiol was 665 today (but I still don’t have my lab results with Estradiol + TSH that were drawn last Friday)
  • I’m CD15 today (Monday) and today was my 8th consecutive day of 75iu Bravelle shots
  • Tomorrow (Tuesday, CD16) I’ll take my HCG trigger shot
  • Wednesday (CD17) Mr. MLACS will be ‘called to duty’ (a nod to his video game) and we will have our IUI
  • I’m still sick with a head cold and it’s making me pissy and nervous because I’ve obligated myself to cook a big Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday

To Expound Upon that:

  1. I saw Dr. Angel this morning and waited all day for Dr. Angel to call me back to tell me if I am to have a Bravelle shot or the HCG trigger shot today (he said one or the other but not both). I was wrong about my 2nd follie measuring so close to my lead follie the other day–it wasn’t. Today the lead follie is at 19.5 and the 2nd follie is only at 17, so Dr. Angel decided that I should have my Estradiol drawn (oh and I still don’t know my Estradiol & TSH values from 3 days ago) before we decide if we should trigger today (CD15) or trigger tomorrow (CD16). I freakin’ forgot to take my OPK earlier…maybe that’s because…
  2. Every day for the last 4 days Dr. Angel has asked if I can wake up at 6:00am and page him at the hospital to see if he is available so he can meet me between 6:15-6:30. Every fuggin’ day some pregnant lady has either been delivering or in some kind of crisis, so I’ve been told to wait for Dr. Angel’s call. So that is my life now, just waiting for Dr. Angel to call and invite me in for some QT with the dildocam and a shot in the ass. I’m on my 8th day of the everyday monitoring & daily shot in the ass, and it’s not as exciting as it was in the beginning. Now it’s just tedious.
  3. I’m SICK with a nasty head cold, which came on about 4 days ago. I’ve been sleeping like sh*t. I feel like crap. The skin under my nose is eczema-like from all the wiping and nose-blowing–being sick makes this whole song-and-dance with Dr. Angel far more annoying and inconvenient. It’s like, I’m either waiting on phone calls or trying to sleep or just trying to entertain myself and I migrate between the couch and the bed like a zombie. Cranky? Sho’ nuff.
  4. Mr. MLACS was gone for over 3 weeks…then returned home last Friday…and we have not been intimate because Dr. Angel told us not to since he was expecting to trigger Sunday and do the IUI Monday–since I’ve been sick and he’s been tired it has not been a big issue. BUT NOW Dr. Angel has pushed the trigger shot to Tuesday and the IUI to Wednesday…Mr. MLACS is only home for 2 weeks! I’m thinking about just having sex tonight (Monday) since we’re not doing the IUI until Wednesday, because MFI is definitely not our issue so I’m not worried about him not having enough sperm. But then…I’m not really in the mood either, I think I’m more-or-less just bored and mostly I want intimacy with Mr. MLACS, not necessarily sex…but he can’t be lovey-dovey with me because he’s horny like a 16 year old boy. So it’s like, either we go “all the way” or we “wait” until our IUI, as there is no in-between with him right now. Super frustrating. I should probably just wait until the IUI, right??
  5. Ok, so I called Dr. Angel’s office circa 3:30pm to see when he wanted me to come in and which shot he intended to give me based on my Estradiol. They had me come in and get the Bravelle shot today (Monday), and (as noted above) pushed the trigger to Tuesday and the IUI to Wednesday–because my Estradiol was only 665 (which is good but leaves wiggle-room for stimming one more day). I had the shot today and it hurt like a mofo–Dr. Angel must’ve just hit the wrong spot.
  6. I’m supposed to page Dr. Angel tomorrow morning circa 8:30am and aim to be in there by 8:45am to get my HCG trigger shot (unless another pregnant patient takes precedence again).

I’m ready to get off this roller coaster, and I don’t just mean with the stims and the dildocam appointments. I’m ready to finish settling my house and get into a routine with Mr. MLACS and this new job and schedule. And I’m very f*ing done with this head cold–it’s making everything seem much harder than it ought to be. And as a disclaimer, I know plenty of you have endured worse on your ttc journeys, and I may sound like a big whiney baby…and all I can say is…you might be right; maybe I am a big whiney baby. Kudos to you for being so hardcore. XO

Lackluster. But I’ll Take It.

Update**

I saw Dr. Angel yesterday (Friday) and my uterine lining was ‘7’–plus my follies were a lovely ‘14.5’ and ’14’ on the left ovary and the cyst on my right ovary is continuing to resolve–plus I got my HCG shot delivered via FedEx–plus I retrieved Mr. MLACS from the airport. However, it was a bummer having to inform Mr. MLACS that Dr. Angel said “no hanky panky” until after the IUI. Naturally, Mr. MLACS was rather disgusted at the thought of waiting 3+ weeks for his ‘welcome home’, only to be cock-blocked by our OBGYN. However, there is a ‘silver lining’ because there were 2 packages delivered yesterday: My HCG shot AND His brand new ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’ video game. So we both felt rejected–he ditched me for his video game. But that was ok, because I didn’t have any expectations since he’s been working every day for the last 23 days and had a long flight home. Even after rising early to go see Dr. Angel and driving 4 hours round-trip to fetch Mr. MLACS from the airport, I still managed to rally myself to do 40 minutes of walking at 3.6mph on the treadmill and some serious stretching–I noticed my muscles were more tense than usual…I’ve been wondering if I might have caught a cold…

When I woke up I realized that I do indeed have a head cold. Congested, slightly achy, throat sore from snoring/ breathing through my mouth (Mr. MLACS confirmed that I was snoring). I blame myself for not using hand sanitizer at every opportunity. But honestly I don’t mind, because if my (auto)immune system is busy fighting a head cold then maybe it will forget to attack my colon (Ulcerative Colitis).

Today I woke Mr. MLACS at 7am and dragged him with me to witness the follies/ uterine lining/ fancy chair/ dildocam. My husband is 6’6″, which I can only assume was the reason that Dr. Angel apologized for the dust on his ceiling fan when we walked into the examination room–because I certainly wouldn’t have noticed it (and FYI, I don’t think to dust my own ceiing fans until I see dust hanging off of them, so who am I to judge?). My uterine lining measured ‘8.5’; my two follies on my left ovary measured ‘16.5’ and ’16’; the cyst on my right ovary continues to shrink (hooray). I was happy with the progress and Mr. MLACS gingerly reached up and dusted off Dr. Angel’s ceiling fan as a courtesy before we left. We swung by Walgreens to pick up some OPK’s and Tylenol. When we got home I POAS–my OPK test line was barely visible so I’m nowhere near ovulating on my own (not a big surprise, because I usually don’t get a positive OPK until CD16 or CD17 and it’s only CD13 today). Hoping to trigger on Monday and do the IUI on Tuesday. Also, Dr. Angel had blood work done yesterday and I forgot to ask him about my Estradiol and TSH levels. *sneeze*sniffle* I have to be at Dr. Angel’s office tomorrow morning at 7am, and I’m hoping that Mr. MLACS will remind me to ask about my labs because my brain doesn’t function well at this hour–especially when I have a head cold. This weekend thus far is not the ‘romantic reunion’ I had hoped for; Mr. MLACS is playing his video game and I’m on the couch with my cat and my box of tissues blogging about my ovaries. Meh, sometimes life is lackluster, but I’d rather have good news tainted by ‘blah’ than bad news coated in ‘glitter’. XO

Into The Great Wide Open

“Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue”

These are lyrics from the song “Into The Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty.

I just went to lunch with a group of 5 girlfriends, 3 of whom I know well and 2 of which I feel comfortable enough to have ‘girl talk’ with. One of them is 6 months pregnant, and another one had her 4 month old son with her–he’s adorable and I enjoyed holding him and playing with him. But as we all sat down, the conversation began with everybody gushing over the pregnant one, talking about their own prior pregnancies, and then…talking about who plans to have a baby next. Only ONE of them knows my story, as she and I are very close and I’ve told her about the shots in my ass this week. I was quiet for a few minutes, but finally I just blurted out “Well we are trying to have a baby–and by trying I mean TRYING HARD–and I’ve had two losses already this year.” Let me tell you, that if you want a group of gossiping women to STFU real quick, tell them that. They all looked at me, especially the pregnant one, and I could tell they felt bad. The pregnant one and the one with the 4 month old both offered that they had endured recent miscarriages before their recent successful pregnancies. I hope I don’t regret saying something to them. But you know, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t. I want people to know about infertility and miscarriage. I want people to understand. I want to be able to talk about my loss at the same table with people celebrating pregnancy/children, without feeling like we are on two different sides of the fence. I think it’s possible, but we (Infertility and RPL sufferers) cannot expect to cross that bridge unless we build it ourselves. So I’m over here with my bricks and my mortar….beginning to come “out of the closet” and into the great wide open with my infertility and health struggles…Don’t get me wrong I’m not ready to stand up with a bullhorn or see myself on a billboard but telling a group of women is a start, right?

In other news, the f*ing copious amounts of gel that Dr. Angel uses on the dildocam, combined with the whacky hormones seems to be giving me a yeast infection. Gross much?! It’s not bothersome (itchy or smelly) but it is visible, so before we began our daily probing, I mentioned warned Dr. Angel of my situation and asked him if this might be common during infertility treatments and monitoring and if it was necessary to treat it. His answers were: YES it’s common, particularly because the hormones I’ve been taking can change the PH of the vagina. And NO, I don’t need to treat it at this time. Icky, but manageable.

Next, he said my follies appeared “squished”, because they are getting bigger. However, neither of the follies on my left side measured much bigger than yesterday, which makes me want to double my dose of Bravelle, but Dr. Angel thinks they are fine and the measurements are ‘off’ because the follies are smooshed–which I could see that, because whereas they were previously spherical in shape, they had become more oblong. My uterine lining is at about ‘6’. The cyst on the right side has continued to shrink, which of course is a good thing. Speaking of good things…

I get to pick up Mr. MLACS from the airport tomorrow!!! I’m so excited to see him! But I have SO MUCH I want to finish around the house before he arrives! Before he left I told him that the reason I hadn’t been unpacking and organizing is because he was in the way–which was quite true–but he’s been gone for 3 weeks. Of course in my defense, one of those weeks was spent working and worrying at the new job. Then this week has been all about the dildocam and other facets of our IUI cycle. But honestly, I have procrastinated. XO

 

Share Your Nuts!

Well, I’ve been telling you that I’m “going nuts” lately, and I am humbled by your responses and encouragement to continue to “share my nuts” with you. Also, I decided I needed to bake something for Dr. Angel because he’s been so kind and in my opinion he’s basically doing charity work by giving me UNLIMITED ultrasounds and an IUI for the very small fee of $350 per month…and I had a bunch of pecans at my house…and this recipe is so easy to make…so TAH DAH! I made these delicious holiday spiced pecans, packaged them in cute little Christmas treat packages I found at the ‘Everything’s A Dollar’ store, and passed them out to Dr. Angel and his office staff yesterday afternoon. And ate a whole bunch of them myself–they are like crack to me–as I was dividing them up to give away I was like “one for you, one for me..one for you, two for me” etc. Yup, one good nut deserves another, right?! Slippery slope.

Sweet Spiced Nuts

The situation with Dr. Angel was a bit precarious yesterday, as when I had suggested “Same time tomorrow?” at our Monday visit, his reply was “Well no, it’ll have to be in the afternoon–I’ll call you.” And I was like, “Um, ok then” and left wondering how that was going to work out. I woke up yesterday and called Dr. Angel’s office, and they informed me that Dr. Angel was out of the office and they had no idea when to expect him back that day. Hmmm. So I went about making my nuts and finding cute little packages for them at the dollar store (you know, one of the many important ways I fill up my unemployed time now) and waited…and waited…and finally I called them at about 2pm to say “Hey, it’s after noon now, so, um, any idea when he’ll be back?” and the lady sounded really awkward and cryptic in her reply that went something like, “Um, I haven’t talked to him to tell him you called earlier..and um…I’m not sure WHEN or IF he’ll be back in the office today…” And I recited what Dr. Angel had told me, verbatim, about me coming in the afternoon. It got me nowhere. I was concerned for several reasons, because they have my damn drugs in their office and because it was already 24hrs after my first shot and I knew I should be having it about the same time each day. I was shocked at how clueless they seemed, I mean, it was the middle of a regular business day so I would expect them to know a ballpark of where their damn doctor is and/or get a hold of him to ask him what he’d like to do about me. Geezus. But they finally called me an hour later and chipperly announced that Dr. Angel was back in the office and I could come by. So I came by and passed out my nutty treats (maybe this little PR stunt will get me a better response next time this happens) and experienced the fancy chair/dildocam, then got my Bravelle shot–bless his heart, Dr. Angel had found some smaller needles in his office to use for the shot and I didn’t even feel it this time.

Today, I went to see Dr. Angel and crew at 11:30am. I’m happy to report that my left follicles #1 and #2 had grown to ’13’ and ’11’ respectfully (and Dr. Angel taught me how to convert his measurements so that’s why I can now report my follicle sizes). The hemorrhagic cyst-y looking follicle on the right is at ’16’ and holding, so maybe it’s not such a problem after all. I told Dr. Angel and his nurse about my delusions of Ovarian Cancer and they laughed at me, so I guess that means I have nothing to worry about cancer-wise (yet). My lining is measuring between ‘4-5′ and I’m CD10 today, which doesn’t seem to concern the doc but what do you ladies think? Judging from these measurements do you think I’m doing ok with my follie sizes and my uterine lining on CD10? Or am I behind? Dr. Angel seemed unconcerned and figures my follies will be over ’20’ and we’ll do the IUI on Saturday. Oh but you can bet your sweet asses I will be getting some lovin’ from Mr. MLACS on Friday after I pick him up from the airport. Whether he wants it or not. Game ON.

As far as how I’m feeling mentally/emotionally, I’m better on the Bravelle than I was on the Femara. But physically, the Bravelle has been causing me headaches (which are rare for me unless it’s sinus-related). My butt no longer hurts because Dr. Angel is using a smaller needle–not sure what size but I hardly feel it. I’m slightly concerned that the Bravelle is kicking up my autoimmune issues, which I had considered before I used it–it’s highly purified but it comes from somebody else’s body so there’s always a chance that my body will consider it an intruder. My colitis has been mercifully ‘quiet’ for the past 3 weeks but I was having symptoms today, which made me think the Bravelle may be the cause. Or not. I will keep you posted on that. I had previously considered using Gonal-F because it is synthetic (when I was wondering if I might need injectables) but it’s more expensive so I wanted to try the Bravelle. We’ll see how this little science experiment works out (hence the title ‘My Life As A Case Study’) TTFN. XO

 

 

Oh My Heavens It’s SO BIG!

I feel absolutely INSANE.

I finally saw Dr. Angel yesterday afternoon (after “Super Soul Sunday”) and I warned him that I might start crying and if I did then he should understand that he’s not hurting me, I am just crazy, and it’s not his fault–so please don’t take it personally. And he smiled and told me that this was only the beginning and the hormones will get worse on the Bravelle. FML. And then he looked at my ovaries with the dildocam. Left ovary had two juicy follicles he measured (no idea what the measurements are in “infertility speak” cuz e’rybody always talks about triggering when their dominant follicles are “over 15”, etc. and I didn’t ask him to convert his measurements for me). And the right ovary had one juicy follicle but it was oddly shaped and appeared to have something protruding into it…Dr. Angel said, quote, “It may be a hemorrhagic cyst or something.” No mf*ing clue what “or something” may be. I remembered to bring the drugs and paraphernalia with me, expecting that Dr. Angel would teach me how to do the Bravelle shots. But he flipped the script on me and said he’d like for me to begin Bravelle tomorrow (today) so that he can see, quote, “If those follicles are leftover from the last cycle or if they are from this cycle.” I asked him how he would be able to tell and he said, quote, “If the follicles are new, then they should increase in size, but if they are old then they probably won’t.” Well, ok then. He offered to keep my Bravelle and accoutrements at his office, and I was glad because that’s one less thing for me to worry about. And I left, went home, and took my last Femara tablet.

I returned to Dr. Angel’s office today to have another US and (finally) get my first Bravelle shot. I gotta ask you guys, have you ever sat in a chair in the OBGYN or RE’s office that raises you up and tips you back so that you’re practically upside down and your lady parts are in the air at eye-level with your practitioner? The ultrasounds yesterday and today were my first experiences with this fancy chair, and I don’t hate it but it’s weird as hell, don’t you think? Just sayin’. So anyways, Dr. Angel first looks at my left ovary and measures the 2 follicles from yesterday, and I notice they have grown–hooray, they are “new”! And then…he looked at my right ovary…and WTF??? The potential ‘hemorrhagic cyst’ from yesterday that had been about the same size as the other two follicles now seemed to be taking up my entire f*ing ovary! I was like…”Um…is that seriously the follicle from yesterday?!” And he didn’t say much, he was just clicking away taking measurements and he even made a 3D color image of my ovary to get a better look. I was like, “Whoa dude, this looks bad, is it bad??” And he was like, “Nah, it looks like a hemorrhagic cyst”. And I was like “But from what I’ve read about other people’s cycles, the cycles get canceled when they have a cyst! Is this cyst gonna mess up my cycle?” And he was like, “No it won’t cancel your cycle.” And I was like “Cool–my right ovary can be delinquent as long as my left ovary is still in the game.” But really, I’m like, what the hell is wrong with my ovary??? I’m over here wondering if my Remicade + Clomid cycles have given me ovarian cancer or some sh*t. And when I think I might have ovarian cancer, the first thing that pops into my mind is “Please Lord, let Dr. Angel ignore my ovarian cancer and let me get pregnant and have a baby before I die, Amen.” I am such a whack job.

Then, it was FINALLY time for me to get that Bravelle shot. And all along I was thinking I would give it to myself in my stomach. But Dr. Angel is pointing at his butt saying “So you’ll want to make sure you don’t hit your sciatic nerve…” and I’m thinking…”Damn, how the hell am I s’posd to give myself a shot in my ass”…I’m flexible but this seems unrealistic/unfair. And then…I see this GIANT MF*ING NEEDLE and I’m like “Lord Jesus are you serious?! Is THAT the needle?! How big is that??!” And Dr. Angel is just showing me how to mix the Bravelle with the filler solution but I am not even paying attention because I’m too busy looking at this ridiculously HUGE needle. It’s a good thing I’m not a curious person and I hadn’t examined the contents of the box Freedom Pharmacy sent except to make sure the meds were there, cuz I might’ve changed my damn mind. I asked Dr. Angel what size needle that was, hoping that my eyes were deceiving me, but he said “23” and my face fell–it really is as big as it looks. I was still pants-less holding a sheet around me as I’m watching Dr. Angel get the shot ready, and finally it was time and I held the sheet awkwardly with one hand (so Dr. Angel had access to my buttock) and grabbed the counter with the other hand…and…it wasn’t that bad. But I’m gonna be straight with you: my ass is still sore from it. And for the record I’m not afraid of needles–been stuck countless times for bloodwork and IV’s and even had Botox on my face a few times (don’t judge me), but those needles were child’s play compared to this one. Damn. Luckily, I have to have an ultrasound every day and I’m only taking the Bravelle 75iu once a day, so I looked at Dr. Angel and said “I will seriously pay you extra if you will give me these shots.”

Can I also mention (of course I can but you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to) that my Dad has a girlfriend. Any of you out there whose Mom/Dad passed away and you’ve had to deal with your living parent dating while also dealing with the loss of your other parent? Well…it’s been rough. My sister openly HATES the girlfriend and will have NOTHING to do with her. I’ve been living away from home for most of this time so I only have to see her occasionally because she lives 2 hours away and they alternate weekends (he goes there, she comes here). I don’t like her, but I don’t hate her. However, the girlfriend has two sons and they seem to really like my Dad. And these sons have small children of their own. And…all of a sudden lately ALL my Dad talks about when he comes home from visiting the girlfriend is playing with her adorable grandchildren. Today, he even told me what he intends to get each of her grandchildren for Christmas! Can somebody PLEASE take the dagger giant syringe out of my still-beating heart?! And he fuggin’ knows exactly what I’m going through–I’ve told him everything. He’s just stupid. That is all. XO

 

Syringe to the Heart