Well, I’ve made it to 11 weeks! The nausea has slowly been subsiding and I am just an eating machine now–some of it is bad–nutella on gluten-free graham crackers and ice cream. And some of it is good–I’m so happy I can eat salads again!

I had my 11 week appointment on Wednesday, and obviously it went well or this post would have a different tone.

First, I got to hear baby’s heartbeat on the doppler. It took my OB a minute to find it and I was nervous, but when I finally heard it my heart melted and I turned to look at Mr. MLACS with a huge smile on my face.

Then we talked about doing an NT scan and the Harmony test. Apparently new protocol is to do one or the other, whereas in 2014 when I had testing on BG the protocol was to do both. I was perplexed because I wanted the Harmony test, but I also desperately wanted to see my baby on the ultrasound. Honestly I needed that ultrasound, to make it feel real and to believe that everything is ok. So I told my OB how I was feeling and he said he’d make up a reason for me to go have the ultrasound, but without the NT scan. So Mr. MLACS and I went to the ultrasound techs and told them the deal, which they were totally cool with. And one of them was practicing to be NT certified, but unfortunately the baby didn’t cooperate for measurements, which was fine. But baby looked great! Like a real little human with head/body/arms/legs! It appears that I am carrying a healthy baby and I pray that in a few months my BG will be a big sister ❤

After my appointment (which took forever) Mr. MLACS and I went to lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant–my choice. I was happy that skeptical Mr. MLACS really enjoyed his lunch, because I loooove Vietnamese food and I want it to be an option for date nights.

After lunch, we had to go see Mr. MLACS’s Cardiologist. This is always nerve-wracking for us because we never know what he/they are going to say. The news was not bad, but not good. He still is not cleared to drive for another month. Which is not a huge deal, but it would make life easier.

Moreover, he still needs to lose a good 50-60lbs before he is elligible for any type of life-saving surgery. This is scary, because if his heart started to fail tomorrow, they wouldn’t operate on him due to his weight/BMI. And he would certainly be too weak to do anything about it at that point. So he HAS to lose more weight. He has plateaued lately, due to not paying attention to eating (skipping meals/snacks and eating too much later in the say) because he has been working non-stop and has not been making it to the gym since we got back from Hawaii. I feel bad, because I have needed his help since I’ve been pregnant/sick and BG and our dog desperately want his time and attention, so he is spread very thin. I cannot help him–he has to tell work to f*ck off but he won’t. I told him to walk–I have money (although health insurance is a thing) but he persists. We are looking at a job opportunity, but they are not offering a competetive salary (in fact the offer was insulting) so I don’t know if it will be viable.

Plus BG just started preschool here and loves it. I have mom friends and a great babysitter. We love our house. We have great doctors. And I’m about to have the chaos of an infant and a toddler. So staying put for now would be so much easier. And there’s no promise that this next job would suck less than the current job.

So I’m happy, but still stressed. I am having PTSD because we are approaching the 1yr anniversary of Mr. MLACS’s cardiac arrest–the worst day of my life. And we still don’t have resolution or reassurance that the worst is behind us–maybe it’s not. His arrest happened at THE worst possible time (when I was deathly ill and awaiting surgery). His first heart failure hospitalization/diagnosis/near death experience happened at the other most vulnerable time of my life, when I was 32 weeks pregnant with BG. So if history repeats, he’ll probably drop dead since I’m pregnant and have a small child. I know I’ll be ok if the worst occurs, because I definitely considered all the “what if’s” before TTC (I have anxiety so I’m a pro at conjuring worst-case scenarios).

Lately I’m trying to pray for and imagine what I DO want, instead of all the scary/awful things I don’t want. Basically I’m trying to harness the power of positive thinking, which is actually really hard for me because of my anxiety and PTSD. But I’m trying.




I am so dim right now that “update” was the only title I could come up with.

I’ve been battling extreme fatigue, nausea, dehydration, and to top it all off…bronchitis!

I basically lay on the couch all day and do as little as possible. BG is bored and frustrated and I feel bad but I literally have to force myself to do basic things, like feed everybody (BG and pets) breakfast. Part of my sluggishness comes from taking Zofran and Unisom + B6 for nausea, which apparently a side effect of these meds is extreme apathy and diminished ability to do basically anything.

I haven’t been showering much. I have to force myself to brush my teeth, do my lovenox shot, my crinone applicator, and my canasa suppository, and then take my vitamins. It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was in Hawaii going for runs along the ocean and eating low carb/lots of salads. Because now I have to psych myself up to walk from the couch to the bathroom and I eat ALL carbs, pitifully little fruits or veggies. I look at other moms I know on facebook, unreservedly announcing their pregnancy before the pee stick is even dry, posting pictures of the kale smoothies they are drinking, and I am envious and highly annoyed.

Tonight I had to choose between having Mr. MLACS home and resting, spending time with BG after a long day of work…or sending him into town (an hour round trip) *in a thunderstorm* to get me the specific gluten-free pizza I’m craving (my nausea only permits me to eat what I crave at that moment; anything else is disgusting).

Naturally, he is on his way to get the pizza.

I had to take poor BG to the doctor on Monday because she has bronchitis too and she was wheezing so badly that the pediatrician gave her a breathing treatment at the office–she hated every minute of it and infact I had to call Mr. MLACS to meet us there after work because she said she needed to jold Daddy’s hand. I was at my wits end after begging her to just DO IT, and I was all out of patience. But he was a hero to both of us, showing up in the knick of time, holding her and soothing her while she did her treatment. And now BG is on Prednisone (aka “the devil”) for 5 days and it makes her highly emotional and unreasonable (ordinarily she is a peach). Which I understand, having been on “the devil” myself, so I’m exercising patience and giving lots of TLC.

Mr. MLACS is urging me to see the doctor about my bronchitis, but what can they do?? I’m pregnant and nauseous. The last things I want are antibiotics and I just weaned off prednisone. I just want it to go away! Mr. MLACS has it too (a few days behind us) and I worry how it could affect his heart. He still doesn’t have a PCP here either, because every time I’ve had an appointment scheduled something comes up. Uhg.

So I wish I was eating kale and basking in my pregnant-ness. I wish my legs were shaved and my laundry folded. I wish I could enjoy a trip to target or make a home cooked meal. I wish I was taking BG to the pool, the children’s museum, or to playdates.

Alas, I am utterly useless.