4 Weeks

I cannot believe it’s been 4 weeks already. Clich√©, I know, but the time has flown by. I have made some great memories, but I’m still sad that *time didn’t stand still* like it does when you’re TTC–you feel me??

I’m still struggling to flesh out my birth story, forgive me, but I thought I should update in the interim.

Ahhhhhh…where to begin?

Well, I’m holding her while I type this–she is curled up on my chest and wrapped in the softest blankie ever. She likes to nurse herself to sleep and then sleep in my arms or sleep next to me (with a boob in her mouth). She DOES NOT like to be put down, anywhere, ever.

And how can I complain about my beautiful sweet baby wanting to be close to me? I can’t. But I *will say* that it’s challenging, being with her (holding and nursing her) 24/7. Every time I need to eat or go to the bathroom or feed the dog or ANYTHING I have to decide if it’s worth it, because she will scream and I will feel like a horrible mother for allowing my kid to cry for any length of time.

What’s that you ask? Why can’t Mr. MLACS hold her while I take a shower and cram a piece of pizza down my throat? Well, good question…

Mr. MLACS gas been taking excellent care of himself and our family. In fact, his EF (ejection fraction) has doubled in 3 months! He is doing great, so his cardiologist cleared him to go back to work up North (Canada).

So he left last week.

And he won’t be back for another week. We all (me, the pets, the baby) miss him something fierce. We were together 24/7 for the past 3 months while he was recuperating and I had forgotten how to live without him. Also I’m still learning how to live with our baby girl–that’s overwhelming at times. I wimpered for a week before he left. And I’ve cried everyday for the past week. My therapist/pregnancy guru (certified in postpartum depression & training future doulas) told me to go buy Motherwort–an herb historically given to anxious new mothers who cry a lot. I’ve been taking it for 2 days and I finally quit crying and feeling freaked out! This is not a placebo–this sh*t works–it’s like homeopathic klonopin. She told me to take 20 drops 3x per day, and 10 drops anytime as needed. If you’re thinking of trying it I’ll warn you it tastes like sh*t and I chase it with pepsi.¬†

Unbeknownst to me, stress can affect milk production. I went to the lactation consultant (who is SO lovely and motherly) for a weight check on baby girl and instead of gaining she had *lost* an ounce between 3-4 weeks. I was shocked and devastated–no wonder she had been so fussy. The lactation consultant told me to take 3 fenugreek capsules 3x per day, and add a B complex vitamin. So I did that, saw my therapist the next day and added motherwort, and worked my a** off breastfeeding & pumping for the next 48 hours. It worked! She gained 3.5oz in those 48 hours. I also bought a supplement called motherlove for milk supply, and between the supplements and stress reduction my milk supply has definitely been improving.

Breastfeeding is hard, y’all. I’ve had sore nipples–my lactation consultant fiagnosed me with Reynaud’s syndrome of the nipples (blood vessels constrict and nipples “blanche” and turn white–f*cking hurts)…story of my life (as a case study) that obscure disorders happen to me. Speaking of which, I can now add *Rosacea* to my list of what’s wrong with me. I’ve always had perfect skin! But I blush easily and postpartum I’ve developed full-on Rosacea. Luckily, the meds are working and it’s clearing up.

I feel good. My other diseases are in remission. I’m back down to my pre-pregnancy weight but I’m “mushy” and look forward to getting back to the gym when Mr. MLACS gets home. I eat like crap though. All carbs and sugar–especially chocolate. I feel bad about it but I just haven’t gotten my sh*t together enough to make and eat real meals–my baby hates to be put down even when she’s sleeping. I’m actually *jealous* when Mr. MLACS gives me his daily report on how well he’s taking care of himself–eating spinach salads and getting 10,000 steps per day–I freakin’ wish I could take better care of myself. Since I quit crying a couple days ago I’ve been eating a little better–less bingeing on chocolate (my inner-fat-kid eating my feelings).

I’m doing ok. Laundry is done (but not folded or put away). Dishes are clean (but still in the dishwasher). I get a shower at least every other day (but my hair is dirty and I hardly shave). The dog is taken care of (but not played with)…speaking of the dog…he got kennel cough (I believe canine flu) from doggie playcare and he was one sick puppy these past couple days! Our vet gave him antibiotics and doggie tylenol and he’s much better, but I was up breastfeeding the baby and taking care of my dog while he puked up mucus all over the house (carpet) at 4am.

It’s been a rough week but you know I don’t mind, because I get to live my dream–being a SAHM to our infant daughter (and the pets). I love taking care of my family. I just wish my husband was here with me (so does Mr. MLACS). 6 days to go…