So Much To Say

But I seem to lack the words/I’m reluctant to share lately.

Don’t worry, I am NOT pregnant. Not ready. Nope.

The good news is, I *finally* feel like myself again! My PPA has eased considerably and I feel like I have a handle on my thoughts (and correlating emotions). I still have intrusive thoughts of bad things happening, and I still have anxiety/panic bubble up during periods of high stress–but I am able to recognize what is happening and calm myself. And the episodes are becoming more infrequent and do not cloud my days or force my to barricade myself in my house.

I feel like I’m fresh out of PPA “prison” and living my life on “parole”–like I’m almost normal (nobody can tell I’m a little off), but still looking over my shoulder because I don’t want to go back to where I came from.

The very real threat of reliving my PPA with another pregnancy/postpartum period is one very good reason I’m not ready to consider TTC’ing again.

Then there’s the fact that I’m still, against ALL odds, breastfeeding BG. And at 11 months old BG still demands to nurse probably 8x or more per day and she has no interest in a sippy cup. She eats like a horse too, but she’s still very skinny and long (like 20th percentile in weight and 90th for height) and the kid needs those calories. I’ve continued to have issues though and will soon write “A Tale of 2 Boobs: Part 4” to regale you with the latest malfunctions and epiphanies.

Another reason I won’t be knocked up anytime soon is because Mr.MLACS is now living and working in Texas, while I have remained in our home in the Midwest with BG and the furbabies. He left mid-January and he’s been gone for a month, but is home visiting this weekend. I’ve done very well by myself, but having him home this weekend has shown me how much happier and more relaxed we all are when he’s here with us. BG just adores him and the dog worships him and even the cat was glad to see him. I will be so sad to see him go tomorrow. He’s looking to switch companies and it seems an offer will be on the table soon, but waiting is torture.

I have no idea where we’ll be living after April, because our lease is up and our plan has been for Mr. MLACS to accept a new job and then move wherever that is. It could be north, south, east, or west. I’m starting to freak out.

Meanwhile, it’s winter here and I’ve been baking a lot of delicious gluten-free stuff. I’ve also gotten crafty and just completed a couple projects for BG for her upcoming first birthday. I want to share these sorts of things in a “mommy blog”, which I’d like to be public and shared.

I’ve been thinking a lot about MLACS. I cannot just leave this blog. Part of me is here–a part of me that I am proud of, but very private about. I do not want to re-vamp this blog into a mommy blog. I do not want to share MLACS with the “fertile” world. I only want to share it with you–my friends–and any strangers who happen upon it because they are struggling with chronic illness/IF/RPL.

So I’ll let you know when I launch the new blog and you guys can come check me out there if you want to.

Here’s an update on BG:

She is crawling, pulling up, and walking with a prop (her shopping cart or holding my hands). She sings, claps, and dances–so freakin’ adorable! She eats like a horse and is up to 3 square meals a day, part of which is purees and part of which is food she feeds herself! I was beginning to think she would be satisfied to eat purees until kindergarten, but a couple weeks ago she just up and decided she was ready to feed herself. Go figure. So she still eats at least 5oz of purees each meal, and now also other foods (fruit, gluten-free pasta, etc.) Plus she snacks on GF teething biscuits and still nurses often. Busy kid! She still takes 2 naps (morning and afternoon). In between maps though, she is playing–either with me, or often by herself. I love to watch her wild hand gestures as she babbles at her toys. I love to watch her chase the dog, or she delights in dangling a shoelace and watching kitty tackle it. She has become much more social, but does not want to be held by anyone but me. And no one has ever babysat her.

I cannot believe she will be a year old next month. Which is odd, because I’ve been with her *literally* 24/7 since she was born. I’m planning a big party for her with all the bells and whistles. Because I have lots of friends here, but we are moving, so I will most likely never have this opportunity again (to celebrate my kid in my hometown with family and friends I’ve known most of my life).

Omg, sweetest thing–BG is napping on my lap in the rocking chair (yup, still) and Mr. MLACS just came in the nursery and handed me a pumpkin spice latte! I thought those were finished after the holidays but he said they brought them back for today (because it’s Valentines Day). THAT, my friends, is my idea of *romance*.

Gotta go, naptime is over.







8 thoughts on “So Much To Say

  1. Oh can’t wait to check out your new blog! Id love to try some gluten free baking recipes. I’ve been baking lately, but not gluten free. I’ve been looking for some healthier recipes. I feel you on the uncertainty of your blog. I don’t have the time I wish I had to dedicate to mine anymore. Looking forward to more news about your move. It’s exciting to know you will all be together soon.

  2. 1) I love that you share your PPA with us at least a little. It’s comforting to know others struggle with it. It can be (another) isolating. 2) I can’t believe she’ll be 1 next month??!? How? 3) I cannot wait to see the new blog and follow along because I hope you share all the crafts and all the food recipes! 4) isn’t it hard/easy all at the same time when the hubby is gone? Mines been away for 11 weeks now…. I have a love/hate relationship with it.
    Can’t wait to hear about moving, the party, and all the other stuff! xo

    • 11 weeks?! That’s not easy and you deserve a lot of credit for holding down the fort! When will you get to see him? And yeah, it’s easier because you don’t have to juggle him into your routine–every time Mr. MLACS comes home it upsets our routine and frazzles me, because the #1 way I manage while he’s gone is by keeping our routine (BG, pets, me). Routine is comforting. And the calm and stability (predictability) of routine reeeeeally helps my PPA. I will share all the crafts and recipes! There’s some stuff I’m super excited about! And thanks for encouraging me about the PPA–how are you feeling? XOXO

  3. It’s good to hear from you and that the PPA is manageable and in retreat. I’ve been going through a similar quiet reticence to share on my blog too. I hope the birthday party is all you hope it to be, not a source of serious stress and prelude to a fulfilling and comfortable year #2 in your beloved household.

    • Sorry b/c I know I made you not want to share! You’re an incredible person and I couldn’t do half the sh*t you do–some of which I envy and some of which makes me spit out my coffee because I’m like “You did what?!” Either way though, I love your boldness. I’m suuuuuper excited about the bday party! Of course I’ll stress–I have a vision and nothing less-than will be tolerable. But I have the buffer that no one (besides me) has any expectations beyond cake, and I’ve got that covered. XOXO

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