So it was our 2nd wedding anniversary the other day (note: I said wedding anniversary–to be distinguished from our marriage anniversary in September) and Mr. MLACS had this luscious tropical forest delivered to me! It reminds me of our Hawaiian wedding, and it reminds me that I married Mr. Right! *Swoon* These flowers are so grand and over-the-top, they made me blush. One caveat: the cat hopped up on the kitchen island (smart little sh*t only does this when we are not home or at night when I’m in bed–he totally knows better) and he ate some of the flowers–want to know how I know that he ate some of the flowers?? Because I came home today after spinning class to a giant pile of barf–and there was a twisty-tie and flower petals in there, and I’m like “WTH dude, do you think you are a dog or something?! Cats aren’t supposed to eat found objects!” And I’ve had flowers before and he didn’t eat them. *Sigh* He’s fine. The flowers are fine. Mr. MLACS has suggested we grow some ‘cat grass’, to which I replied “Great! That can be YOUR project when you come home!” *Smirking*
So, I came home from the RE a.k.a. “Dr. Diet” (Not Dr. Hope, sorry, he’s nice but he’s not sweet and Dr. Hope doesn’t quit fit the bill here–so henceforth the RE is Dr. Diet) and I was all stressed and worried about what to eat, yada yada. And I decided to do NO CARBS and that lasted all of 2.5 days…because I went to Easter Brunch with my sister and she brought me this giant basket of chocolate Easter candy–the good sh*t, like Cadbury eggs, Reese’s pb eggs, Milky Ways, etcetera. And I felt all hardcore eating my steak and eggs (hold the potatoes!) while I watched everyone else indulge in Tiramisu French Toast and Breakfast Monte Cristo–I was immune to this parade of “food porn”. And then my girlfriend and I went on a 2 hour walk/hike and that really tuckered me out. And I went home and was like “Uh, what do I eat now?” (I had nothing prepared and I was not interested in another chicken salad) and I postponed eating until…oh…around midnight…and I looked at that Easter basket…and I ate 2 Cadbury eggs. Ok, if I’m being honest I also ate a mini white chocolate pb egg. And then I hated myself and felt like a schmuck. Sound familiar? Don’t act like you haven’t done it.
But I woke up the next day and climbed “back on the wagon”–cuz that’s what you do–quitters never win and winners never quit–you gotta shake it off and get back on that proverbial horse. My pep talk to myself and anybody else who needs it:
“Remember that guilt you felt about eating those Cadbury eggs? Are you disappointed and frustrated that you did that? Good. Was that 5 minutes of sugary satisfaction worth the resulting days of self loathing? No?! Ok, then go get ’em tiger!”
So here’s one of the good and nutritious things I’ve made: steak and mushrooms. Did you know that mushrooms have a lot of Vitamin D?! I didn’t know that (it said so on the package–thanks for the education Monsanto). Did you know that most women with fertility issues are deficient in Vitamin D (some 78% of women with IF)?! So go eat some mushrooms. And steak. You’re welcome.
I’ve added some carbs back to my routine, realizing that ‘no carbs’ is not going to work for me, plus it’s unnecessary as long as you eat the right carbs in the right amounts. Plus–I dunno if Dr. Diet knows this–but one of the reason bodybuilders like super high fat/low carb diets is because it increases testosterone naturally (thus helping in the quest to add muscle, because testosterone is great for that–which is one of the reasons I am built like a brick sh*thouse–PCOS has it’s perks). So actually, using moderate fats and low carbs is a much better idea than (essentially) the Atkins diet he was advocating. He is helping PCOS women by telling them ‘Carbs ‘R Bad’, so we’ll give him that.
Uh….what else? Oh yeah! I helped my little sister throw an Easter party for her daycare kids the other day! This is kind of a big deal, because lately I’ve hardly been able to be around small children and I haven’t wanted to hang out at the daycare or interact with the kids–a direct result of many failed cycles and the subsequent frustration and irrational desire to pretend that babies and small children are invisible. But I actually enjoyed the spending the day with them! I blew bubbles until I thought I was going to pass out. I put together Easter goodie bags. I bounced the baby (8 months old) until I thought my arms were going to fall off. It was a Par-tay! So, I think that means I’m doing better than I was a couple months ago. Small “win” IMHO.
And…I finally got my first ‘smiley face’ on the CBD OPK! Oddly, after I wrote my post on Thursday (after seeing Dr. Diet earlier that day) I was cramping and I felt a lot of pressure on my right side, so, I decided to take an OPK before bed–and a smiley face appeared! The reason this is odd is that I never take more than one OPK per day, always mid-morning, because that has always worked for me. But I now realize *SMH* that you can’t really do that with the CBD OPK, because it will only detect your PEAK, and that may be in a very short window, whereas I’m used to seeing a positive or nearly positive dark line for a couple days on the cheapies. I took another test the next morning and it was negative, so I fretted over the fact that if I *hadn’t* taken that 2nd OPK on a whim, then I wouldn’t have known that I ovulated…and I would’ve pee’d on myself (I pee directly on the stick) over and over again for no f*cking reason. Point. Taken. So, I saw the smiley face and was like “Yesssss! Score!” And then I was like “Buuuuut it doesn’t make a sh*t bit of difference because Mr. MLACS is soooooo far away”. I wanted to have a temper tantrum but I just rolled my eyes. Pfffft.
And another thing…my good girlfriend who reads this blog told me she was pregnant a couple weeks ago and I was (rhetorically) “Happy for you, sad for me”. And she wanted to enjoy it and I didn’t want to be like “If you smile and wave at one more baby in my presence I will disown you” so I kind of distanced myself from her just a little. And then Mr. MLACS left for Canada and I was thinking “I don’t want to act like a punk to my friend” so I was like “Hey girl, how ya doin?” and don’t you f*cking know….she was experiencing her second miscarriage. And I felt like SUCH an a**hole for the bit of distance I put between us after she told me. And I was so, so very sad–you ladies know how that is–several of my close friends have had miscarriages this year and each time I felt like I was re-living my own miscarriage and each time I was overwhelmed with grief at their losses. And this was no different. And I haven’t cried in front of her (I didn’t cry in front of you yesterday) but I have cried. I was in a store yesterday and I found lots of jewelry I wanted to buy for her (that I wanted to buy for you, my friend)–there were keys that said “Hope”, “Strength”, “Faith”…there was a necklace with a sparrow that made me think of your baby’s precious soul flying to heaven and a black rose that seemed to symbolize the beauty and agony of death, and a cross that symbolized the Lord giving and taking away your baby…I didn’t want to overwhelm my friend with grief by giving her something that might make her sad, so I chose a little bracelet with a cross on it for her–I think a cross kind of says it all. And she loved it (you said you loved it–but I still have the receipt if you change your mind) And I didn’t cry in her presence because I didn’t want to make her cry–but friend, please know that I’ve prayed and cried for your loss, like I am crying now. And to my blogger ladies, will you please pray for and send your love and comfort to my lovely friend, K.? She has joined us in our sorrow as a woman who has endured RPL, and it’s not something I ever wanted (or expected) to share with her. She also has Endometriosis. And the docs messed up her D&C. So any of you ladies with endo who have had miscarriages (and perhaps botched surgeries) please provide a link below to your blog so K. might find some camaraderie and helpful information. Thanks.
Ok, that’s it for now. I’m done b*tching and bawling for today.