It’s Not Fair

Yes, friends, life is not fair. We know this. And my problems are first-world problems. But still…

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired–and in pain.

I have a mouth full of mouth ulcers. Under my tongue. On the inside of my bottom lip. I even get them on my gums. They burn every time I eat something–anything. To keep them at bay and to improve my gum health, I have been using the water flosser with a solution of 1/2 water and 1/2 hydrogen peroxide, every night. My new dentist suggested that, and it has helped. And I rinse with Chlorhexidine gluconate solution. I want to get my gums healthy enough to do invisalign braces (had braces as a tween, teeth are crooked again). But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to achieve the level of oral health necessary to move forward with invisalign.

Then there is the Rosacea. It’s a constant battle and I’m losing. My face is red and blotchy and I have some acne. I don’t want to use oral meds, ever, because my liver has enough to process already. But the topical stuff isn’t really working these days. I don’t like how it looks but I rarely bother with make up. Sometimes I wonder what people think when they look at me. I don’t look at myself much. I used to be vain.

Then there’s the more serious stuff–my colon is bleeding. My abdomen is swollen and tender. I’m going to the bathroom frequently throughout the day and every time it’s explosive bloody diarrhea. It smells like something died. And I’m sitting on the toilet straining, my hemorrhoids bulging inder the pressure, while my toddler and my dog get in my face–toddler opening all the drawers and playing with her bath toys, while I am practically incapacitated on the toilet. And when each “episode” is over, I go to lay down on the couch. I am depressed/angry/exhausted. And then BG wants to climb on me, or jump on the couch, and all I want is a moment of peace and for my hemorrhoids to stop throbbing. A lot of times I snap at her. All she wants to do is play with me, and in those moments all I want to do is be left alone to soothe myself. Every time I see blood in the toilet it upsets me–it’s an undeniable sign that I am sick.

I’m sick and I have to admit that I’m sick.

I HATE taking big-gun meds and I’ll deal with these symptoms for weeks in hopes of them resolving. But I’m so tired and it hurts and “resting more” is not an option. Mr. MLACS has been working 7 days a week, 14+ hour days (I see him 2 hours per day) and I have a toddler 24/7. So I waved the white flag and left a message for my GI nurse this afternoon, asking to begin Uceris (steroid specifically for UC). Haven’t heard back yet. If they insist on an office visit (so pointless) then that’s a 2hr commute each way. I have seen them 2x in 6 months so I hope they don’t insist I be seen. I wish they would just bill my f*ing insurance without wasting my time and *limited* energy.

There’s more…

I had sex 10 days ago and I tore, and it still burns when I pee. It’s not healing. This might be a symptom of my Lichen Sclerosus or maybe my hormones are still whacky from breastfeeding (maybe I need estrogen cream). It’s frustrating to only rarely feel up to sex. Because I’m sick. Because every time we have it I tear and am in pain for days, wincing when I pee. This time it’s been 10 days so I took a mirror and looked–there is a pea-sized HOLE next to my vagina. A huge, gaping tear. No wonder it hurt as bad as it did after giving birth. I might need stitches. I have to call Dr. Soul’s office in the morning and see about getting in today or tomorrow. It’s a f*cking 50 minute commute each way, but I definitely need to be seen.

People don’t know what my life is like. I got up today and went to spin class. I took BG to the Little Gym for her class. I made lunch. I layed down with BG for nap but didn’t sleep. I went to Walmart. I made dinner. I gave BG her bath. I took a shower. I am able to do all these things, and I AM grateful. But being ill is a burden and it makes everything So. Much. Harder. I struggle to have a “normal” day like this. I cried when I saw the hole in my vagina.

You see, I’ve been saying to Mr. MLACS for days that either I am pregnant, or I am dying. The animals and BG have been super clingy. The dog follows me room-to-room (he never does that). I’ve had vivid, strange dreams. Backaches. Cramping. Some yellow cervical mucus. Feeling dizzy. More hungry than usual. WAY more emotional. And we weren’t even TTC this cycle, if it did happen then it was a long shot, but I haven’t felt like this since I was pregnant/doing fertility treatments.

But I cried tonight after I saw that hole in my vagina. All my “pregnancy” symptoms are just symptoms of my health issues. I’m NOT pregnant and I shouldn’t want to be, given all the issues I have right now. I don’t want to take Uceris (or worse) while pregnant. But yet, I’m sad. And I feel stupid for symptom-spotting (that is some rookie sh*t).

What the f*ck is wrong with me?!

This sh*t is not fair.

XOXO,

MLACS

**I don’t need anyone to tell me they are sorry–I didn’t write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I need to tell my story. Maybe it will help someone else. I hope something good can come from me sharing.