27w5d (And moving house)

Guys…

I’ve wanted to blog but just haven’t been able to self-actualize because I’ve been anxious and overwhelmed with all that’s going on.

Putting a house on the market and showing it *while you live there with a messy husband, a toddler, and 2 pets* SUCKS. We had to make it look staged, like nobody lives here. There is a loooong list of things we did to achieve this, such as removing everything from the kitchen counters (including my beloved keurig and the kitchenaid mixer), making the beds perfectly, putting away handsoap and toothbrushes (and anything on the bathroom counters, like my beauty products), and I was placing the cat’s litter box in the garage for showings and trying to make the laundry room look and smell good (this involved hiding the piles of laundry that usually pile up in the laundry room). I managed to make the house look like a dream–with cooperation from Mr. MLACS (recall, he was not cooperative to begin with). I have actually really enjoyed living in an immaculately clean, clutter-free house! Albeit, it’s a PIA to keep it up. And the master closet and the garage are *horrible* as this is where we stash and stuff all the crap we need to hide, but can’t seem to part with (I would part with it but I need time and energy to deal with it).

We put our house on the market and the first people who saw it made us an offer that we accepted, but it was *contingent* upon them selling their house. The market is slooooow here and according to our agent their house was WAY overpriced, so I wasn’t holding my breath that this deal would work out. We waited for more offers to roll in…

They didn’t.

But the people who initially fell in love with the house eventually agreed to drop the contingency this week, since their house isn’t selling. We were supposed to close Jan. 2nd, but they pushed it back to Feb. 2nd, which is fine. The house is sold! And I can keep my keurig on the counter again because I don’t have to worry about showings. I can leave dirty dishes in the sink and toys strewn all over the playroom. I am so grateful that we got the price we wanted and that we no longer have to pretend like we don’t live here, especially during the holidays.

Mr. MLACS had to depart for the new job up north on November 28th, so he has been gone for 18 days already.

It has been HARD at times, without him. I have felt very alone at times, because most of my “friends” here are people I have to keep up with and since I haven’t reached out much and they know I’m moving, I’m off their radar. Which I don’t begrudge them, because that’s just how it goes. But I haven’tt had much adult interaction with Mr. MLACS gone and thusly I feel like an island, adrift.

And thusly, my perinatal anxiety and depression hit FULL FORCE about a week after he left. I felt paranoid and anxious and angry–SO angry.

And besides “holding down the fort” while Mr. MLACS is gone, I’ve had to do all the research to find new doctors up north, which is VERY stressful because we need specialists and I am always on a mission to find the best of the best. Then I had to make phone calls to new doctors, phone calls to old doctors, medical records, etc. etc. While dealing with a needy toddler who misses her dad, and managing my own business.

Oh Good grief, and finding a place to live was also my task and it was made incredibly complicated by the facts that:

1. Mr. MLACS recently (and unbeknownst to me) defaulted on his federal student loans. I was SO angry because I am always on him to stay in good standing. He dropped the ball. So *after* I did a lot of work finding a realtor and working with a lender, I learned Mr. MLACS cannot qualify for any sort of loandue to his loan default and crap credit. I paid a bunch of collection accounts for him with my own money. I was (and still sort of am) PISSED that he was so irresponsible and he wasted my time and made me look like a fool to the real estate agent and lender.

2. So we decided we’ll take equity from the house when we sell it and just pay off his student loans. And we’ll rent for 6 months and then buy in the spring. Yes, I am *salty* that I have to move TWICE, once 7 months pregnant and then again with a newborn. But ok, I found a house. We applied. The guy comes back and says “Can you explain this eviction in 2016?” And I’m like “Pardon? You must have us confused with someone else because we have never been evicted.” But lo and behold, Mr. MLACS co-signed a lease in 2008 for his (now estranged since 2015) mother. And for no apparent reason, she was evicted in 2016 and Mr. MLACS has a judgement on his record, even though he declined to sign a renewal lease in 2009. We both think this was foul play on his mother’s part and the rental company, and we have our lawyer working on it. But meanwhile, it was humiliating for me to have to explain how my husband makes great money but apparently sucks at adulting so his credit is poor and he has an eviction on his record due to trying to help his sh*tty mother out (she took full advantage of him his entire life before I met him and I hate her for using her son–like how can you do that to your kid? I couldn’t). I finally found a place that would overlook all that, provided we did a double deposit.

And *guess who* has had to bankroll this move? ME. I shelled out $800 for Mr. MLACS to get new tires. $6500 for deposit/1st months rent. And I’ve had to buy all the groceries/gas/etc. since he left. While alone, 6+ months pregnant, caring for a toddler, and handling every detail of this move.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel resentful (because marriage is not always 50/50) but I do. Mr. MLACS has begrudgingly thanked me but has generally glossed over my contributions. Particularly the parts where I had to hustle because of his mistakes. He’s pretty much like “Sorry. What else do you wantbfrom me? I said sorry” But he doesn’t really mean it. If roles were reversed, he would be (and has been) totally degrading to me. But he clearly doesn’t hold himself to the same standards. And part of the reason why I haven’t picked a fight about it is because I worry about stressing him out because of his heart condition. And I resent having to worry about that too.

Oh and Christmas–I’ve done all of the Christmas shopping *and* paid for it all. I’ve bought things for the new baby. See, I have never minded doing all the work to create our life and our home because he has always been contributing the money. But now I’m doing all the work and paying for everything and he seems very comfortable with that but I AM NOT.

After this move I’m done using my inheritance to subsidize everything. I’m taking a break to evaluate my financial situation and figure out how to be smart with my money and what I can reasonably spend on our family. Mr. MLACS doesn’t want to give me any time or space, but it’s ultimately not his decision. I’ve been through A LOT these past couple of years, with his health crisis, my health crisis, deaths in my family, his sh*tty job here and now we are moving and I’m expecting a new baby. If he doesn’t show me the compassion and support me the way that I have showed him compassion and supported him, then I’m OUT.

Despite all this drama and bullsh*t, I am trying to enjoy the holidays with my kid. I adore the glow of the Christmas tree at night. I hosted a gingerbread house party for my favorite neighbor moms and kids. I planned (and *paid for*) a weekend of Christmas events when Mr. MLACS gets home for the holidays–we’ll see The Nutcracker ballet, ride the Polar Express train in our jammies, and see spectacular Christmas lights.

It’s my 39th birthday this weekend. And I bought myself a gluten-free cake from the frozen section at Whole Foods yesterday, so I can celebrate with BG. Mr. MLACS is really horrible about my birthday, in that he never surprises me or plans anything–not even a cake–without my input and effort. He just pays for things. For his part, Mr. MLACS did send me flowers yesterday and that helped soothe some of my resentment. He also bought me some La Mer beauty products but that was pretty lackluster because he ordered it because I told him about cyber Monday specials and was like “It’ll be here on Thursday”. Again, when he was our sole source of income I cut him a lot of slack and never minded too much when he didn’t make a big effort for my gifts. But at this point I would really appreciate it if he made more effort–I need more TLC, particularly since I’m pregnant. Just to show him how it feels, he had sent me a link to a pair of shoes he wants/needs that I had offered to buy for him as a gift, and I said exactly what he always says to me “There’s money in the account”.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

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My Medical Bills (and their direct impact on my marriage and my sanity)

Oooooooo, I’m so fuming mad! And I don’t know exactly whom to direct my anger towards. I’m definitely going to “have it out” with my insurance company. I was just sitting here adding up my stack of medical bills, intending to pay a big chunk of it before we move–do my best to wipe the slate of this tumultuous last year clean, both physically and financially. My husband doesn’t know that the weight of all these bills keeps me up at night. Because I can’t talk to him about it without a fight. He will say sh*tty things to me like “you didn’t even need any of that stuff you just don’t care about wasting money”–do you know how furious that makes me? Do you know how that makes me want to divorce him??? I cannot believe how ignorant he acts when he’s angry (about money).

I didn’t ask for any of this:

1. To move to a place where I cannot find a decent job that treats me with respect and is willing to pay me $12+ per hour (when they can underpay underqualified people $10). We moved here for HIS CAREER and he makes six figures. I found a job and suffered until we were on our feet (we were broke from paying for our wedding) and then I quit (to go back to school). He supports that….until things like my medical bills come up and then he is mean and disrespectful. Predictably.

2. I didn’t ask to get pregnant. I don’t regret it and I’m thankful it happened even though it ended sadly, but at the time it happened our marriage was shaky and I intended to wait until it was stronger, plus I had plans to start nursing school and get most of the way through before we started ttc. Technically, he is responsible for ALL of this, because he didn’t pull out (during sex), which is why I got pregnant, and the pregnancy is what caused me to get so sick (necessitating all these bills). This is how my husband fights–with finger-pointing and shaming/blaming. So he can chew on this (yes I do sink to his level, can’t beat ’em join ’em).

3. I didn’t ask to have my doctors scare the sh*t out of me when I got my post-partum diagnostic tests back…I had NO idea what was happening to me and I was scared for myself and scared for a future pregnancy (as I desperately wanted to be pregnant again). So of course I let them take the 30 viles of blood for that autoimmune panel. And then I got a bill for $857 that I hadn’t bargained for.

4. I didn’t ask to be referred from doctor to doctor to doctor, but that’s what kept happening…I was bounced around like a pinball, and I didn’t know until afterwards how USELESS some of these doctors and some of the tests they ordered were. I’m not psychic.

If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve avoided some of those doctors and tests–I have regrets. But at the time, I decided to be proactive and pursue all testing in the name of answers. In the name of not having a second (or more) miscarriage–which ended up happening anyway.

Yeah, so, I didn’t ASK for my immune system to go berzerk and then require all kinds of diagnostic testing to pinpoint WTF was going wrong. I surely didn’t ASK for my miscarriages–they broke my heart.

But now I have to ASK my husband for the money to pay these $2200 of bills that have accumulated (on top of at least $2000 we’ve already paid). And really, since I’ve probably racked up closer to…well I’d say closer to $50,000 worth of medical bills, maybe more, just in the last 12 months…I think we need to count our blessings instead of our bills–that I’m ok, that we only have $2k instead of $50k hanging over our heads.
But my husband will only see the $2200. He will accuse me of squandering his money like I’m buying a fur coat. He will not even consider that NOT ONLY have I had to go through the wringer of chronic illness and miscarriage, and NOT ONLY do I feel horribly stressed and pained to part with the money, but yes, he fails to see how sh*tty and futile it is for him to take it out on me.

And then the next day, he will be like “so tell me how much money you need in the account”, no apology. Why does he have to make me scream and cry and shout and say mean sh*t back to him? Why can’t we just skip that part of his repertoire and go straight to “lets deal with this”??? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE THIS SO HARD?

I’m going to show him his medical bills FIRST, because his total about $1000, so maybe that will curb the finger-pointing “you racked up these bills because you just love going to doctors” lunatic bullsh*t that he pulls. He “squandered” plenty himself.

Hey, and I am NOT looking for sympathy here–believe me I stick up for myself and say what’s on my mind (and if I’m really pissed, I break his beer mugs). I guess what I’m looking for is…well…does anybody else’s husband try to guilt and shame them about their medical bills? Or am I the only one? And, have any of you argued with your insurance over diagnostic tests? Any advice on arguing with insurance companies is appreciated, cuz I’m not sure where to start. The lady on the phone was no help at all–suggested I write a letter of appeal. Thanks in advance ladies. XO

**UPDATE** I just talked to Mr. MLACS on the phone, and just came right out and told him that I had been sifting through our medical bills but that I don’t have the energy to fight. He asked how much, and I told him his and then mine, and told him we don’t need to pay the 2 or 3 most expensive bills now, but it would be best to get rid of many smaller ones that have added up. Shockingly, he just said…”OK”. I don’t know if this indicates that we are growing as a couple or that he read my blog (he probly didn’t read it) or what…but that’s a relief. Now we’ll see what happens when he sees the bills and it’s time to write the checks…