Nope.

Today is 12dpo, I took a FRER this morning…do I really need to tell you how that turned out? Nope. I haven’t even cried–but I bet I will when AF arrives–if it’s anything like last month I will be glued to the couch with my heating pad.

This opens up a whole new can of worms. Do I stick to my idea to take off January to re-group? Cuz now I don’t want to take a break. I feel desperate to just get this (trying to conceive) over with already. And I don’t have the option of trying naturally, because Mr. MLACS’s schedule has changed and we physically will not be here during my fertile window–I don’t like the idea of not trying at all. Plus, I’ve been doing acupuncture with the lovely Star, and maybe it’s starting to work…but I can’t afford to keep doing this for months on end so since I’ve already invested in this treatment I don’t want to “pause” it in January (and backslide) and then “resume” in February or March–that seems counterproductive. What if the Remicade is the reason I haven’t conceived these last 5 months? My last infusion was October 24th and I was due for another one in December–which I declined–and I’ve managed to keep my Ulcerative Colitis in remission without it…I can’t take this for granted…next month or the month after that I could find myself VERY sick again, and my docs are always impressing upon me that it’s important for me to be in remission while TTC. There’s a lot of reasons to push forward and do an IUI in January.

Although, I would definitely like to change my protocol–I want MORE follicles, and I believe the way to accomplish this is to dispense with the Femara altogether and begin Bravelle CD3, with a healthy dose at 150iu, in the hopes of recruiting more follicles to begin with. Then, I’d like to trigger no later than CD14 (preferably CD12 but that’s probably not realistic for me). And I want to do a double IUI with Mr. MLACS’s “spermcicles” (frozen sperm) since we won’t be able to have sex.

The failure of IUI #2 is particularly frustrating because I got pregnant twice naturally in 2013, but since then I’ve done 2 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUI’s with Femara + Bravelle and NOTHING…it’s been 5 cycles since my last pregnancy (one natural cycle in-between Clomid and starting IUI’s). WHY? Is it the Remicade (that I started as I was having my chemical pregnancy at the end of July ’13)? Is it that my body hates the hormones and I’ll never get pregnant on medicated cycles? Is it stress? Are we TRYING too hard–do we “just need a vacation”?!!!  Is it Dr. Angel’s IUI protocol?? Is monitoring every day bad? Did we “miss” the egg by not having sex post-trigger and then doing the IUI post-ovulation? Is he making poor use of my preciou$ injectable meds? Is there something else…an infection in my uterus? Could I benefit from dexamethasone to further quiet my immune system? I’m gluten-free but do I need to quit dairy and grains? Do I need to eat pineapple core? I don’t even know where to begin…

This is getting expensive. Mr. MLACS is getting tired of the roller coaster too and he’s not sure he wants to do an IUI in January, but he says he just “wants to see me happy”. I don’t even know what will make me happy right now. I need a shower–I’m sitting here in clothes I’ve worn for 3 days with bed-head and I feel like a troll. Maybe I’m just so sick of doing my due diligence (taking meds day and night, etc.) that I’m subconsciously rebelling by not taking care of my other needs. That’d be redundant.

I worry about things…like “Myrtle’s” upcoming bachelorette party and the bridal shower I’m supposed to throw and then her damn wedding in April. I don’t want to go to the bachelorette party–I despise her when she’s drunk, the weather is awful, and I don’t want to spend the money, but it’s coming up mid-January and I don’t know what to say to get out of it. She point-blank asked me in front of a room full of people at her family’s Christmas gathering “SO HOW’S THE BABY MAKING GOING?” To which I, after a pause, calmly replied “Nothing to speak about”–let her wonder–she doesn’t even CARE she’s only asking to be nosey and because she wanted to see if I’d be weaseling out of her upcoming hen party or not fitting into the bridesmaid dress. I refuse to speak to her about any of what’s been going on with me–I still haven’t mentioned that my Grandma has cancer (though that may be my excuse for skipping the hen party). I don’t mind throwing the shower, but this means I’m going to need to start planning it for mid-March. And the wedding…but I wish I wasn’t in it. She doesn’t have a big budget, but she has enough, and for some reason she has decided that–instead of hiring someone–she wants her wedding party and guests to clean up the venue post-reception? I think that is ridiculous, but I’ve already been ‘snapped at’ for telling her not to pair black opaque tights with her navy blue eyelet lace sundresses for the bridesmaids, so I won’t be making any more suggestions. Uhg. Why do I worry about this BS? And “Myrtle” really wasn’t the point of this post. But…it’s sort of relevant because I was thinking “I’d be right at 16 weeks when the wedding rolls around” and now…I won’t. I may be zero weeks when the wedding rolls around, and I need to accept that instead of feeling panicked about it.

I conceived January 19, 2013, and after my 7w2d miscarriage, I never thought I would be here a year later, with no pregnancy and no baby. I may have feared it, but I never believed it would happen.

And so I’ll leave you with the ‘Serenity Prayer’–one which you’re probably all familiar with, but if you haven’t prayed it in awhile (as I haven’t) now may be the time. XO

God-Grant-me-the

10dpo, 11dpiui Update

I don’t have much to report, but I figured I’d update you guys because I get frustrated when others of you go for treatments and then don’t update in the tww. I definitely have symptoms but I’m not going to post about them unless I get a BFP, because haven’t we all done the symptom-spotting posts and then felt stupid afterwards when we got the BFN? I feel like crap at the moment, I’ll say that much, but my UC is ‘flaring’ at the moment so I don’t know how much might be attributed to that. It sucks to feel like you have to have a bowel movement, and then not be able to go, or only be able to go a little and then have a bunch of blood (yes, TMI, sorry). I blame the weather, as it flip-flopped from 70 degrees to 20 degrees in a matter of hours and has stayed very cold the last 3 days. Oh, and maybe my hormones are responsible, because I had an HCG trigger shot last week and it only just left my system yesterday at 9dpo, and each time I had a miscarriage my UC ‘flared’ afterwards so maybe it has something to do with having the HCG trigger shot and then having the HCG leave my system–I have no idea what the connection is but I believe there is one. I only wish I knew exactly what the hell inspires my colon to revolt.*Sigh*

So here’s the rundown so far:

7dpo slight positive on Walmart brand EPT (looks like an evap)

8dpo slight positive on Walmart brand EPT (looks like an evap, same as the day before)

9dpo totally negative on Walmart brand EPT

10dpo (today) negative on a FRER

All of these tests were taken with FMU and I just POAS as opposed to collecting the urine in a cup and dipping the stick.

Oh, and my ex-boyfriend, who is still a friend of mine, texted me tonight that his sister is pregnant again! He told me first before anyone else! Lucky me! No but really I’m pleased for his family to welcome another child and I only wish it was his child because I know how bad my ex wants kids and what a good dad he’ll be. But still. Here I am feeling like crap, and then I get that text. Awesome.

Oh and guess who else is having a baby?! A 20-something year old druggie prostitute, and the “sperm donor” has a girlfriend and couldn’t care less about her! Yes, this is some gossip I got from a friend of mine earlier today. Oh, and the girl already had at least one abortion that we know of. Brilliant!

Ok, I’m done being sarcastic. Really I had a pretty good day–got my Christmas cards in the mail (all 100 of them)–I hand-addressed each one last night. Hung out with some friends, shopped, and watched football. Came home and had (all natural, nitrate free) hot dogs for dinner…I just can’t stay away from the damn hotdogs. WTF. But anyways, I feel very fortunate. XO

No I DO NOT Have To Be Happy…

…For Mr. MLACS’s friends who are pregnant or who have just given birth. I just glanced at a postcard and at first I thought it was junk mail, but I took a second look…the only thing it had on the back was our address, but on the front there was a picture of a chalk drawing with a Dad and Mom and little girl…and it says “Our Stick Figure Family” with the Family name on it…I was trying to figure out the point of this postcard–was it a Christmas card? There was no greeting on it of any kind…upon further inspection, I figured it out: The “Mommy” stick figure had a bump. It’s a f*cking pregnancy announcement. Since f*ing when do people need to announce their pregnancy via postcard? Isn’t facespace sufficient? And hey, if you want me to pay attention, how bout write something on the damn postcard, instead of making me interpret your damn chalk art (which btw I find kind of clever, but that’s beside the point). The POINT is that Mr. MLACS and I visited this family over the summer and they know we’re having trouble…and I now suspect she was preggers during our visit. They already have one beautiful baby girl that was conceived within 2 weeks of deciding to “try”. I mean, they’re nice people, but they are the lucky ones. And I personally am in no condition to be celebrating blatant pregnancy announcements (yes I said blatant). So I went in and told Mr. MLACS that his friends are pregnant again and he gets this goofy grin on his face and says “That’s great!” and I just wanted to smack him. I replied “No it’s NOT” and he says “Well c’mon you gotta be happy for them” and I said “NO I DON’T”. F* that sh*t. I most certainly DO NOT have to be happy.

And his other friend, I may as well just “hate” on her while I’m “hating” on his aforementioned friends. Ember is a sweet, innocent, fresh-faced young woman…a girly-girl…the kind of girl who has been planning her wedding since she was 5 years old and didn’t wait a month post-nuptials to start trying. Now, I can appreciate that she had a chemical pregnancy, so it’s not like she is a stranger to crushed dreams. But I have had to watch her document her pregnancy week-by-week for the last 6 months, and then there was a montage of maternity pictures toward the end, and then birth pictures, and now it’s pictures of 1 week old, one month old..pics of every f*ing relative in her and her DH’s family holding the damn baby, pictures of the baby in her crib-in a chair-on the floor…it’s like a constant stream of pregnancy/baby porn. And tonight I sniped at Mr. MLACS “This kid is going to think it’s the center of the damn universe”, and Mr. MLACS goes “So?” and I’m like “Well that turns your kid into a brat” and Mr. MLACS is like “Oh leave Ember alone”. You know what, Ember is a nice girl but I’m deleting her from my newsfeed. Every time she pops up I get more and more frustrated, even though I know she’s not trying to antagonize me I just LOATHE her naivety; she’s petite and pretty and sweet and she is in sheer bliss about her blossoming little family. And I f*ing can’t look at one more f*ing photo. And Mr. MLACS just thinks I’m being petty. Which I totally am being petty, but a true best friend will not tell you you’re being petty–a true best friend will be like “Yeah, f* her and her stupid ugly baby–your baby will be WAY cuter.” WTF Mr. MLACS? I thought you were on my team?!

Oh My Heavens It’s SO BIG!

I feel absolutely INSANE.

I finally saw Dr. Angel yesterday afternoon (after “Super Soul Sunday”) and I warned him that I might start crying and if I did then he should understand that he’s not hurting me, I am just crazy, and it’s not his fault–so please don’t take it personally. And he smiled and told me that this was only the beginning and the hormones will get worse on the Bravelle. FML. And then he looked at my ovaries with the dildocam. Left ovary had two juicy follicles he measured (no idea what the measurements are in “infertility speak” cuz e’rybody always talks about triggering when their dominant follicles are “over 15”, etc. and I didn’t ask him to convert his measurements for me). And the right ovary had one juicy follicle but it was oddly shaped and appeared to have something protruding into it…Dr. Angel said, quote, “It may be a hemorrhagic cyst or something.” No mf*ing clue what “or something” may be. I remembered to bring the drugs and paraphernalia with me, expecting that Dr. Angel would teach me how to do the Bravelle shots. But he flipped the script on me and said he’d like for me to begin Bravelle tomorrow (today) so that he can see, quote, “If those follicles are leftover from the last cycle or if they are from this cycle.” I asked him how he would be able to tell and he said, quote, “If the follicles are new, then they should increase in size, but if they are old then they probably won’t.” Well, ok then. He offered to keep my Bravelle and accoutrements at his office, and I was glad because that’s one less thing for me to worry about. And I left, went home, and took my last Femara tablet.

I returned to Dr. Angel’s office today to have another US and (finally) get my first Bravelle shot. I gotta ask you guys, have you ever sat in a chair in the OBGYN or RE’s office that raises you up and tips you back so that you’re practically upside down and your lady parts are in the air at eye-level with your practitioner? The ultrasounds yesterday and today were my first experiences with this fancy chair, and I don’t hate it but it’s weird as hell, don’t you think? Just sayin’. So anyways, Dr. Angel first looks at my left ovary and measures the 2 follicles from yesterday, and I notice they have grown–hooray, they are “new”! And then…he looked at my right ovary…and WTF??? The potential ‘hemorrhagic cyst’ from yesterday that had been about the same size as the other two follicles now seemed to be taking up my entire f*ing ovary! I was like…”Um…is that seriously the follicle from yesterday?!” And he didn’t say much, he was just clicking away taking measurements and he even made a 3D color image of my ovary to get a better look. I was like, “Whoa dude, this looks bad, is it bad??” And he was like, “Nah, it looks like a hemorrhagic cyst”. And I was like “But from what I’ve read about other people’s cycles, the cycles get canceled when they have a cyst! Is this cyst gonna mess up my cycle?” And he was like, “No it won’t cancel your cycle.” And I was like “Cool–my right ovary can be delinquent as long as my left ovary is still in the game.” But really, I’m like, what the hell is wrong with my ovary??? I’m over here wondering if my Remicade + Clomid cycles have given me ovarian cancer or some sh*t. And when I think I might have ovarian cancer, the first thing that pops into my mind is “Please Lord, let Dr. Angel ignore my ovarian cancer and let me get pregnant and have a baby before I die, Amen.” I am such a whack job.

Then, it was FINALLY time for me to get that Bravelle shot. And all along I was thinking I would give it to myself in my stomach. But Dr. Angel is pointing at his butt saying “So you’ll want to make sure you don’t hit your sciatic nerve…” and I’m thinking…”Damn, how the hell am I s’posd to give myself a shot in my ass”…I’m flexible but this seems unrealistic/unfair. And then…I see this GIANT MF*ING NEEDLE and I’m like “Lord Jesus are you serious?! Is THAT the needle?! How big is that??!” And Dr. Angel is just showing me how to mix the Bravelle with the filler solution but I am not even paying attention because I’m too busy looking at this ridiculously HUGE needle. It’s a good thing I’m not a curious person and I hadn’t examined the contents of the box Freedom Pharmacy sent except to make sure the meds were there, cuz I might’ve changed my damn mind. I asked Dr. Angel what size needle that was, hoping that my eyes were deceiving me, but he said “23” and my face fell–it really is as big as it looks. I was still pants-less holding a sheet around me as I’m watching Dr. Angel get the shot ready, and finally it was time and I held the sheet awkwardly with one hand (so Dr. Angel had access to my buttock) and grabbed the counter with the other hand…and…it wasn’t that bad. But I’m gonna be straight with you: my ass is still sore from it. And for the record I’m not afraid of needles–been stuck countless times for bloodwork and IV’s and even had Botox on my face a few times (don’t judge me), but those needles were child’s play compared to this one. Damn. Luckily, I have to have an ultrasound every day and I’m only taking the Bravelle 75iu once a day, so I looked at Dr. Angel and said “I will seriously pay you extra if you will give me these shots.”

Can I also mention (of course I can but you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to) that my Dad has a girlfriend. Any of you out there whose Mom/Dad passed away and you’ve had to deal with your living parent dating while also dealing with the loss of your other parent? Well…it’s been rough. My sister openly HATES the girlfriend and will have NOTHING to do with her. I’ve been living away from home for most of this time so I only have to see her occasionally because she lives 2 hours away and they alternate weekends (he goes there, she comes here). I don’t like her, but I don’t hate her. However, the girlfriend has two sons and they seem to really like my Dad. And these sons have small children of their own. And…all of a sudden lately ALL my Dad talks about when he comes home from visiting the girlfriend is playing with her adorable grandchildren. Today, he even told me what he intends to get each of her grandchildren for Christmas! Can somebody PLEASE take the dagger giant syringe out of my still-beating heart?! And he fuggin’ knows exactly what I’m going through–I’ve told him everything. He’s just stupid. That is all. XO

 

Syringe to the Heart

PUMPKIN EVERYTHING! (“pregpocalypse” and lets chat about my upcoming HSG)

An abundance of pumpkins!

An abundance of pumpkins!

It’s fall season, and I’m livin’ in the heartland (the Midwest) where harvest time is cause for great celebration in the form of festivals. There are many “mascots” for fall season: scarecrows, corn husks, apples, and of course PUMPKINS.
I’ve been joyfully indulging in all things PUMPKIN, including the pumpkin spice latte (PSL), the pumpkin scone, pumpkin muffin, pumpkin bread, pumpkin bagel…I’m still due for some pumpkin pie and pumpkin cheesecake (which I will probly make for Thanksgiving dinner).
I made some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for Mr. MLACS today (and yes, I tested a couple of them–they’re marvelous). In case it’s not obvious, I haven’t been sticking to a gluten-free diet…I’m actually on a see-food diet: I see food and I eat it! Lol, totally corny joke to trivialize the fact that I need to clean up my act. Start juicing again. Stay off the gluten for more than 5 days in a row. Hit the gym. Etc. They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem. Step one, check! I’ll get back to you on step two.

I quasi-tricked Mr. MLACS into going to a fall festival with me this weekend…a PUMPKIN festival! It’s always been my favorite festival. It takes place in a sleepy riverside town with a population of 106 people. It’s full of food: pork burgers, hot dogs, funnel cakes, corn-on-a-stick, kettle corn, fried oreos, homemade ice cream, etc.
And there’s lots of crafts, plus entertainment for the kiddos (maze of hay-bales, face painting, pony rides, etc.) and an adorable PUMPKIN patch, with pun’kins of all shapes and sizes, where you can purchase a blazing orange gourd the size of a tractor wheel (and then drag it through a corn field back to your car as your prize for sitting in traffic for an hour behind all the thousands of would-be festival go’ers making the annual pilgrimage into a town that only has one road).

I didn’t warn Mr. MLACS that we would be inching along in traffic for an hour just to get to this PUMPKIN-studded event, but he chuckled at me good-naturedly. When we got there the first thing I spotted was a booth selling cowhide rugs–I’ve been wanting a cowhide rug since we moved to the Southwest 2 years ago–and the lady was selling them for $150. Sweet. It’ll go well with the horned cow skull I snagged in Taos (that I refuse to part with).

The second thing I noticed was ALL the pregnant women. Fall festivals are great for families, so it should be no surprise. But geez. Instead of the zombie apocalypse it was like “pregpocalypse”.

I didn’t mention anything to Mr. MLACS, but I know that he noticed it too. I pointed a couple things out, like “that’s the kind of baby carrier I want, the kind that wraps” or “they brought the wrong kind of stroller; we’ll have an all-terrain stroller that we can use on dirt and gravel”. We stopped at a big pumpkin patch and I took a couple pictures…amongst all the mommies who were taking pictures of their little ones climbing all over the giant pumpkins…

Mr. MLACS sensed that I am desperately hoping to walk around this festival next year with our baby in the baby carrier, taking pictures next to the giant pumpkins. But I shed no tears. I didn’t even wince. I did however avoid a couple girls I went to high school with (we are ‘friends’ on facebook) because I didn’t want to say “hi” to them and meet their husband and 2.5 adorable children. Nope, I hissed at Mr. MLACS to cross to the other side of the street.

So, the PUMPKIN festival was a treat–but also a reminder that we are SO ready for our own little pun’kin (my Mom used to call me Pun’kin).

In other news, I scheduled my HSG for this Friday October 18th. E’rybody says they hurt. A LOT.

For those of you that have had HSG’s, what should I expect? How should I prepare myself? Should I have someone drive me and pick me up? Will I be laying down for the rest of the day? Will I still feel like crap on Saturday as well? I have access to Naproxen and I plan to take it before the procedure, and I have Vicodin if I should need it afterwards, but what worked for you? Thanks in advance for your input–I owe each of you a PSL. XOXO

Homemade-Pumpkin-Latte4

Look What I Got in the Mail…

I suppose this is to welcome the new baby I'm supposed to be having on Oct. 12th 2013

I suppose this is to welcome the new baby I’m supposed to be having on Oct. 12th 2013

Wasn’t I just talking about how I’m dreading my October 12th due date?!

Seriously?! WTH am I supposed to do with this? I’m apalled and since I’m obviously (from my ranting posts) coming unglued (I’m going to blame the Clomid) I feel like I dared the Universe to push my buttons…and the Universe sent me a double-dare in the form of a 5lb. box of formula. Well played Universe, well played.