STOP The Insanity!

Anyone remember Susan Powter? The original “biggest loser” (the show was probably conceived based on her “flab to fab” success story that parlayed into an avalanche of endorsements).

The b*tch is crazy, right? Whatever happened to her anyways? I need to google…

But this post isn’t even about her, I’m just ripping off her slogan “Stop the insanity!”

I feel like crap. I was doing so well, going to hot barre or spinning a couple times a week, walking, not eating much sugar, portion sizes, weighing myself regularly…

But since the house fire I have been “eating my feelings”, skipping the gym (in my defense BG was sick and teething a couple weeks ago so I didn’t want to take her to gym daycare), and struggling to care about my appearance (always wearing a ball cap and sunglasses). My scale either broke or ran out of batteries, and I just wasn’t compelled to deal with it so I haven’t been accountable for my weight gain.

How do I know I gained weight? Back fat. I mean I can tell other places too but the other day I twisted around and felt my back fat pleating like an accordian and it felt foreign and gross.

My bubble of denial has burst.

I feel like crap. I know all the sugar I’ve been eating is bad. Been hitting up Starbucks and getting soy milk instead of coconut milk because it tastes better (soy is SO bad for hypothyroid people and it inflames my immune system). I drink too much caffeine and not enough water. I eat too much processed food and not enough fruits and vegetables. I mean, I probably haven’t eaten a salad in a month.

I’m a mess.

My intestines were so backed up I could hardly stand it and I was too lazy (or apathetic?) to even go grab some milk of magnesia until I was beyond miserable.

But I “cleaned out” my GI tract and I feel much clearer and am motivated to get my health on track.

Because I need to, but also because BG is almost 18 months old and I am almost 37 and since time is not on my side, I plan to TTC for a sibling for her in the near-ish future. Which, we all know does not guarantee a pregnancy or a baby. And I’d be happy if BG was my only child–she’s more than enough. But I always said I wanted 2 kids, and moreover, I think it would be good for BG to have a sibling. So there you have it. I’ll do my best.

And by doing my best, I mean I’ll take all the supplements I took before I conceived BG (listed HERE). I just ordered 2 months worth for about $130 off amazon. And then I’ll eat healthy and exercise vigorously.

I’m thinking about doing a juice cleanse or the master cleanse to get started once we move. My friend and blogger extraordinaire  Steph Mignon suggested Whole30, which sounds like a good idea to start after a cleanse. Any other suggestions for gentle cleanses? My colon can’t handle a crazy detox.





I’m Rambling Cuz I’m On Drugs…

So, to quote myself from my last post “It can ALWAYS get worse”, and guess what–I’m not f*cking kidding about that. Mr. MLACS has a big diesel truck that is the apple of his eye, and yesterday his clutch was being impossible, and we had to accept the fact that…on top of EVERYTHING else…we are going to have to repair or replace his clutch (anywhere from $500-$1500). That was really the last straw for Mr. MLACS. Another gem is that his company (for whom he is invaluable on their multi-billion dollar projects) is nickel-and-diming us on our last move–they want US to pay off the $3000 on his expense account for our move…in what f*ing universe is that acceptable?! This is on top of expenses we paid out-of-pocket AND we lost a MONTH of wages because their HR pulled him off his old job and didn’t have his Visa ready to go to his new (international) job–that completely screwed us over after we had only JUST gotten on our feet after the LAST move (which they also screwed us on). It’s maddening, and we are both sick of this BS from this company. Thing is, he has stayed with the idea-in-mind that he was fast-tracking it to management$$ and other companies can’t offer him the salary. But I had to level with him: it would be better for him to take a pay cut and for us to stop losing money on moving, than for us to continue this way…and it’s hurting our relationship–the stress of moving causes fights…the money situation creates tension…I’ve given up several jobs due to the moves…overall, we’ve got to make a change. And look at us–we could try naturally this month but that’s not an option because his work switched his schedule and he won’t be home. It hurts Mr. MLACS that his 5 year plan is being blown to smithereens, and that the company that he’s given his blood, sweat, and tears to (literally he works from before dawn until well past dusk–he’s got stamina) is still so quick to f*ck him (us) over. And then he’s also devastated that I’m not pregnant. And he’s concerned about the money (me too) that we’ve been shelling out for these IUI’s–with Dr. Angel giving us false hopes by saying “watch out for triplets!” it makes ZERO babies a harder pill to swallow. And really the last 18 months have been SO much drama, with his last project being a nightmare and the miscarriages and me being sick, etc. and it has FINALLY caught up with Mr. MLACS (it “caught up” with me LONG ago, and I’m burnt to a crisp) and he said to me, with sad eyes and quivering lip “I just want it to be done…I just want it to stop…I’m tired of EVERYTHING being SO HARD”…and for once I comforted him. It will be ok. It really will. I’m glad he just gave in and allowed himself to be vulnerable so that I could show him that I can take care of him too–we take care of each other. And we have been like peas ‘n carrots.

What else…been packing up the house to move. We are moving to a new unit that is exactly like ours but in a different building (one street over in our development). I don’t really mind moving and setting up house all over again (ok, YET) but packing is no fun. And that reminds me–maybe I had an intuition that this was going to happen and maybe that is why I was so disgusted with all the “stuff” I got for Christmas–what I wouldn’t give right now to have the money instead of the stuff, because now I have to do something (pack or donate) all the stuff I got, and it would be a brilliant time to have gift certificates or money to use for the expenses of this ordeal–maybe I just knew in my soul that all hell was about to break loose and maybe that is why I was so disillusioned with Christmas (far fetched but interesting, eh?)

Also, it’s SO much fun packing when you’re having some of the worst cramps of your life, right?! No, no it’s not actually. Today is CD1 and I am in PAIN. I took a Soma a little while ago and drove Mr. MLACS to go pick up (gluten-free) pizza for dinner, and I was driving like a ditz but for the first time in…oh hell who knows…I felt pretty damn good! Mr. MLACS and I have had some good laughs today. It was maddening:

1. Get up, eat breakfast and go to our apartment to continue packing and wait for the maintenance guys to assemble to help us after lunch

2. It starts pouring rain. We decide to take some of our stuff to the new place. The driveway is a mess of ice/snow/slush. The garage is being used as storage for the maintenance guys and they’ve yet to clean it out. Uh…

3. We are informed that we will postpone the move until Monday, we are told the hotel will not be comped tonight but we are invited to stay in one of their model homes until then…but it’s already PAST check-out time at the hotel…seriously?!

4. We RACE back to the hotel to plead with them not to charge us for tonight. They agree (whew!) I trick the cat into his carrier and we lug everything (and kitty) through the rain and load the car (again), Hillbilly style. The cat commences to scream, because he HATES car rides. Awesome.

5. We go buy liquor for the maintenance guy and wine for the management–they have been helpful and a little PR goes a long way.

6. We go the the model home to settle in and…it’s actually COLDER inside than it is outside…Mr. MLACS messes with the thermostat while I let kitty out of his prison. Turns out, the thermostat doesn’t work! We call management and sit there and wait for the maintenance guy–who comes and informs us he’s got to replace the thermostat, then leaves.

7. F*cking figures. We sit there shivering and then make the executive decision to return to our old apartment–where there’s heat and cable tv. Ambush kitty AGAIN and both of us get scratched in the process–I don’t blame kitty, because this is BS.

8. Return to our apartment–they’ve removed the noisy fans–we breath a sigh of relief. Kitty is happy to be in his familiar home.

9. I commence to call doctors to see if my appeal has gone through for my meds yet (as we’ve been spending all sorts of money out-of-pocket) and…nope. I made an appointment with a new GI at a well-respected hospital about 2 hours away (same city where take Mr. MLACS to the airport). Dr. Angel was supposed to have called in a script for me but Walgreens says they don’t have it, so I call Dr. Angel’s office to report CD1 and to ask about the script. Dr. Angel never calls me back, and I begin to wonder if he hates me for being such a needy pain-in-the-ass. Mr. MLACS calls about his truck and they haven’t even looked at it yet. (*&^%#@$

10. I have SO many things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to see, and DEBT I want to pay off. I’m fully committed to the idea of getting a job (preferably not full time) and I perused craigslist. There’s some medical office stuff I’m interested in. Everybody has been RAVING about Dave Ramsey (financial guru), so I talked to Mr. MLACS and told him that, though there’s a lot of things I want to do, I’m wiling to commit 100% to getting our finances in order in 2014 if he’s willing to make and stick to a PLAN with me (because goals mean sh*t without a plan in place–he’s an engineer so he should understand that you have to plan life goals just like you have to use a blueprint to build a house…but he’s a guy and he hates directions…I digress…). For my contribution, I want to get a job so we can save up and do some fun stuff, while also paying our debts (credit card, medical, etc.) AND, I can still go take night classes even with a day job (though I’m not taking classes yet–planning to start in March).

11. Here’s some good news: My Grandma’s breast cancer is Stage I, and she’s scheduled for a lumpectomy at the end of this month (an outpatient procedure) and then radiation for a month. This is GREAT news!

12. A couple of my blogger friends have offered me their leftover drugs. For this I am SO grateful and I just cannot even thank them enough. Seriously, I’m sure I don’t deserve their kindness but I’m in no position to refuse. Bless you, thank you, R. and Steph.

13. I feel SO FAT. Like, I looked in the mirror in the horrible lighting of the hotel bathroom and was almost moved to tears. How did THIS happen?! I was already not on top of my game due to all my health issues, but these last couple of months of hormones have just…the cellulite…my friend (who hasn’t seen me) asked me if I wanted to do a boudoir photo shoot with her–make-up, hair, everything included (for her portfolio) and I had to be like “GURL, I don’t even like pictures with my clothes ON”, but it made me SO SAD because when she saw me 18 months ago during my wedding, I looked and felt AMAZING! I am going to be a bridesmaid in two weddings coming up and intending to attend a baby shower (yes Steph I want to look good for your baby shower) and I feel like an absolute TROLL. I’m really ready to reclaim my body–why can’t I be one of those women (like you Steph) who takes the hormones and sees absolutely no change in her weight or attitude?! Instead of morphing into a ‘superhero’ I morph into a ‘villain’ (fat and evil) and it suuuuuucks. Plus, I was starting to get on a role but this whole flood/moving thing just ruined it, and now I have to start over again. Uhg.

So…finally my cramps became unbearable and since I can just sleep in tomorrow I did myself a favor an popped a Soma, then Mr. MLACS and I went and picked up pizza–we were going to dine-in but the place was like a daycare with no supervision where all the kids are high on pixie sticks–kids were screaming and running circles around us while we were in line, so we took it home and ate it on paper plates (cuz my plates are packed). The drugs and the (gluten-free) pizza are a nice end to a stupid day (Stupid WEEK).

Thank you ladies for your support–I’ve been b*tching A LOT lately–I hope you get a laugh or two out of my rants and lamentation.


She’s Lucky I Don’t Have A Weapon…

So, my husband’s insurance has changed–we have a new prescription provider, CVS Caremark. I thought I hated Express Scripts THE MOST, but now Caremark has taken over the #1 spot. I went to get my Delzicol (extremely vital med I take for my Ulcerative Colitis), with my new prescription card in-tow, naively thinking that I would shell out $75 and walk out with a 30 day supply. WRONG. Never, ever assume anything when it comes to attaining your medical care. Turns out, Caremark (the irony that “care” is included in this name…ha) will require an appeal by the prescribing doctor, stating why Delzicol is used and not some other prescription. Now, I get it–Delzicol is an expensive, patented brand-name drug with no generic substitute, and if it’s not necessary to pay these inflated prices then Caremark doesn’t want to pay them. But I was told it will take a minimum of 72 hours for the appeal to be processed, and I can’t even begin this process until I get a hold of my doctor on Monday (it’s after 5pm Friday). I NEED MY DRUGS NOW. I can’t go all weekend without them, I can’t even skip a dose or my ass starts bleeding. So…I realized I had a prescription on file for another (less effective but supposedly equivalent) drug, called Asacol HD. And guess what?! Asacol HD is also a patented brand-name drug that requires an appeal from my doctor in order to get coverage. So I’m left with: pay out-of-pocket for a weekend’s worth of meds OR go without meds. Of course we paid out-of-pocket…EIGHTY TWO DOLLARS…$82 mother*cking dollars for 2.5 days worth of Delzicol. OMFG. If you ever feel sorry for yourselves, just please be glad that you don’t have a chronic life-long disease that is sucking the life out of your body and your pocket book–just please count that among your blessings.

Oh, but it gets better. Today I had to call my GI to see about 1. getting some samples of something to tide me over until I can get a prescription of Delzicol and 2. Getting them to appeal the Delzicol. You see, it was actually prescribed by my former GI in Las Vegas, so Walgreens sent his office the notice to appeal for the Delzicol, but it’s really not his job at this point. So I called up my current GI’s office (which is small and full of old ladies) and the first lady asked me what I needed, so I started to explain and she cut me off and forwarded me to a woman who I assume must be either and RN or an MA (most likely an RN, because oddly most of the Dr.’s offices in this town still rely on RN’s and haven’t switched to MA’s). We’ll call her OB (short for ‘old b*tch’). I begin to tell OB about my medication drama and she keeps f*ing cutting me off–very rudely. I’m not being long-winded either. I try to tell her about the Delzicol and she says “So then we must have gotten the paperwork sent to us by the pharmacy already”…NO, b*tch, you DIDN’T because it wasn’t prescribed by you, it was prescribed by my former GI and new GI approved me to continue. Then she says “Wait a minute, I have here that the doc prescribed you Asacol HD, so why are you taking Delzicol”….well B*TCH, that is because I wanted to switch to Asacol HD because it’s easier to swallow than the Delzicol, but unfortunately I had blood and mucus coming out of my ass so obviously it wasn’t working, and I switched back to Delzicol, which immediately stopped the blood/mucus–the doc already knows this. Then OB says “Ok, so we’ll just send the appeal to them and you should be able to get your meds” and I said No, that the Caremark people told me the quickest way to submit an appeal is over the phone, and they had given me a phone number, to which she replies “Well I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I do this EVERY day and it always works so I don’t understand, blah blah rant rant…”…and I cut her off to say “Well I don’t understand either, all I know is what they told me. But if you’ve worked with Caremark before then I trust you know how to get it handled”. And then, I asked her if she has any samples of anything I can use until the appeal goes through, and she named off a couple, including Lialda–which I’ve taken before with success. I mention to OB that I’d like to try the Lialda, and I also mention that it’s actually covered by Caremark without an appeal, to which she replies “Well then why don’t you just take that if your insurance covers it, because it’s ALL THE SAME THING, it’s all Mesalamine”…OMFG why are nurses SO STUPID?! These meds are NOT all the same, they are in different preparations and release differently in the body–most recently I have not done well with the extended release meds (such as Asacol HD), and Lialda is an extended release med. Just because I took it 2 years ago and it worked doesn’t mean it will work NOW. And NO THEY ARE NOT ALL THE SAME, you stupid stupid ignorant *&^%$#!–if they were truly all the same, then we’d all just take the motherf*cking generic and not bother ourselves with calling your sorry ass to make an appeal. Right?! Right. Geezus. So, after I made it VERY clear that I still wanted her to appeal for the Delzicol, she said “Oh by the way, the hospital called to say that you didn’t show up for your most recent Remicade infusion, so I assume you’re going to call and do that this week”…well, no actually, I’m NOT, because I just talked to the doc on the phone the other day to discuss pushing out or possibly permanently suspending the Remicade, because I’m currently under control and trying to get pregnant. And he approved. And THIS is why I so urgently need to get my meds–so I can maintain remission WITHOUT the Remicade. Do. You. Understand. Me.? She said she’ll leave the Lialda samples at the front desk. Click.

There’s more. I called Caremark yesterday because it occurred to me that they may not give me the sweet ass deal on Bravelle that Express Scripts was giving me ($75 all-you-can-eat, first time Dr. Angel ordered 10 viles but this last time he ordered 20 viles and either way it only cost me $75 dollars, whoop whoop!) I got a really nice guy named…Bobby? I think. So anyways, first Bobby looked up Bravelle and found that it’s not covered. And I said “Ok, well do you have a biological equivalent that is approved?” And Bobby asked me what kind of med it is, so I explained is a reproductive medication, called Follicle Stimulating Hormone, or FSH. Bobby put me on hold for a few while he looked it up, and came back with: Pregnyl and Human Chorionic Gonadatropin (he couldn’t say the words so I asked him to spell them)…well, those are both HCG shots, not FSH. So Bobby put me on hold some more and dug deeper. What he found was that Bravelle IS covered WITHOUT an appeal required, and I could hypothetically get 20 viles from a retail or specialty pharmacy for $300–for two refills–and then I’d have to go through the CVS mail order pharmacy. And I said “God willing Bobby, I won’t need more than two refills”. It’s more expensive than Express Scripts, BUT $300 for $3000 worth of meds is nothing to complain about. So, at least there’s that–BUT it’s only hearsay at this point.

Mr. MLACS will joke sometimes when someone pisses him off (usually while driving) that if he had “one bullet a day” that person would’ve gotten it. So I do it too now, when people piss me off I’ll turn to Mr. MLACS and say “one bullet a day” and he giggles. So I leave you with this: Today, OB is lucky that this is just a joke, and I don’t even know how to shoot a gun. I’ma go pick up my damn samples and she best hope I don’t see her sorry ass when I do. *spits on the ground, mean mugging*

In Case You Were Wondering…

hot dogs

Well, I haven’t written much lately–but I spent A LOT of time yesterday trying to figure out how to add IUI #1 and IUI #2 to my blog menu. I am proud to report to you that I am a genius I figured it out and you can now view my protocols for both of my IUI’s. I’ve found myself searching the internet for IUI BFP stories that give you real information (How many IUI’s did you do? How many follicles did you have and what sizes were they? What meds were you on? What were your first betas? Singleton or multiples? Etc.) and I found a good thread on a website, so for all of you ladies doing IUI’s, click HERE to view the IUI BFP thread I found (on fertility community).

In other news, I’m still in the TWW. I’ve decided not to test out the HCG trigger shot or to begin testing for an early BFP. I’m taking progesterone supplements, which give me pregnancy symptoms, so I’m mostly disregarding everything and not symptom spotting…but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping here-and-there.

Here’s something weird. I’ve had cravings before, and then still came up with a BFN (many times, actually). But I’m still going to share with you that–while you’re all doing your ‘get healthy 2014’ thing–I’m over here consuming hot dogs (my go-to from IUI #1, weird) and steak salad with bleu cheese…I cannot get enough bleu cheese. I’m not even remotely trying to suggest that I am pregnant, I am simply sharing with you that, while I have been visiting the gym every-other-day, maintaining my 100% gluten-free status, and shying away from coffee and sweets…I have been inexplicably drawn to hot dogs, steak, and bleu cheese. Oh, and I may as well inform you that I made a big crock pot of Rotel dip yesterday (click HERE for recipe) which is basically fake plastic cheese, pork sausage, and tomatoes + green chiles from a can–totes unhealthy–and I ate it by the bowl-full, scooping it up with salty corn chips…I shamelessly ate this dip while I read your New Years resolutions.

I’m starting to feel anxious to find out if I truly am you-know-what. But, after the tumult of these past couple of months (much thanks to WHOREmones), I feel it would be unwise to ride the roller coaster of EPT’s…I am simply not mentally/emotionally stable enough (plus it’s a big fat waste of money, and then you’re left with a trash can full of broken dreams that reeks of piss). No thanks, I’ll just grab another hot dog and wait til the timer ‘dings’. XO

2013 Can Suck It (Take 2)

I just wrote the longest, bitchiest post I could possibly imagine. And I published it. And then I decided to un-publish it, because it’s slightly funny but mostly just insanely bitchy and I’m not doing you any favors by sharing it with you. So, it’s gone. But it was basically talking about how crappy 2013 was, and that is worth mentioning so I’ll list the offences of 2013:

1. Miscarriage: Feb. 25th, 2013. It was not a “missed miscarriage”. The bleeding started but an ultrasound revealed an embryo that measured within a couple of days of anticipated conception, with a heartbeat of 160bpm, at 7w2d. Yet (after a visit to the ER that night confirmed no heartbeat), it was dismissed as a statistic by my OBGYN, I was given Misoprostol to ensure complete ‘evacuation’, and told to give it a month and try again. Then I went on to have a chemical pregnancy on August 2nd, 2013 (there was a sac and if FELT worse than my prior miscarriage).

2. Chronic Illness: Ulcerative Colitis has worsened 10 fold this year. Post-miscarriage it was revealed that I have several other problems, including:

  • Hypothyroid (may very well have caused my miscarriage)
  • Lichen Sclerosus (an autoimmune disorder that causes the skin in my genital area to atrophy–it’s painful)
  • Elevated ANA’s (anti-nuclear antibodies–an indicator of Lupus)
  • Elevated NK cells (natural killer cells, which play a delicate role in implantation)

3. Horrible doctors (totally unsupportive and incompetent–when I was most fragile post-miscarriage)

4. Marital issues I’ve written about some of it in the past–it’s not easy to have marital problems on top of all this other bullsh*t in a town where you don’t know very many people and you’re scared sh*tless that you might be really, really sick. Oh, and you’re blaming your body for killing your seemingly perfect embryo and feeling desperate to figure things out to protect future pregnancies, while your husband tells you that you’re overreacting and wasting money. Things are different now, but they really couldn’t have been much worse for awhile.

5. Moving But not knowing exactly when or where. Mr. MLACS hated, absolutely HATED his last project. And he thought he’d get promoted to an upcoming project (a domestic job), but that did not manifest–he got dealt a lot of sh*tty hands this year. We decided to “abandon ship” and started looking at other companies, but no one could give us a solid offer with the pay he should command. We had to make a lot of hard decisions and in the end he chose to stay with his company and do a job in Canada (commuting), and we moved back to my hometown. But this process began in April ’13 and we did not know where we were going until August, then we moved abruptly in September. STRESSFUL. And for most of the summer I just felt frozen–I was watching life moving on around me while my own life was suspended in wait.

6. Finances Just when we think everything is going to be fine, something pops up. It causes us to fight and it caused me a lot of anguish on top of the other stuff I was dealing with. Part of it is medical bills, which is a bitter pill to swallow–first you have a medical crisis, then you find yourself in debt over it, often with no resolution. And I didn’t work–I went back to school to become a nurse and most recently I’ve been obsessed and single-minded about having a baby (which is getting expensive as well).

After our (practically immaculate) first conception in January 2013, I couldn’t have predicted that I’d be sitting here–not only childless–but not even pregnant a year later. I don’t think anybody would’ve predicted this–my doctors kept patting me on the back and sending me home until a couple months ago when I met Dr. Angel and we started IUI’s with injectables. I couldn’t have predicted any of what happened this past year. I was in a strange city trying to transition into a new phase of my life (motherhood), trying to build my (difficult) relationship with my husband, trying to forge my way to a new career (nursing), and trying to figure out WTF was happening to me and how to deal with it– all while fighting chronic illness and multiple miscarriages. I don’t know what I expected, but I was not prepared for what happened. I’m still traumatized. And, in fact, I think that I have gotten worse recently (in no small part due to the IUI hormones)–I’m fighting feelings of anxiety, anger, depression, sadness, insecurity, indifference, irritability…I’m quick to anger and I have NO FILTER (hence why I 86’d my initial “2013 Can Suck It” post). I don’t know if 2014 is going to see the resolution of the above listed grievances that I have against 2013. I could really use something to look forward to, but I don’t have anything. Yet…