No I DO NOT Have To Be Happy…

…For Mr. MLACS’s friends who are pregnant or who have just given birth. I just glanced at a postcard and at first I thought it was junk mail, but I took a second look…the only thing it had on the back was our address, but on the front there was a picture of a chalk drawing with a Dad and Mom and little girl…and it says “Our Stick Figure Family” with the Family name on it…I was trying to figure out the point of this postcard–was it a Christmas card? There was no greeting on it of any kind…upon further inspection, I figured it out: The “Mommy” stick figure had a bump. It’s a f*cking pregnancy announcement. Since f*ing when do people need to announce their pregnancy via postcard? Isn’t facespace sufficient? And hey, if you want me to pay attention, how bout write something on the damn postcard, instead of making me interpret your damn chalk art (which btw I find kind of clever, but that’s beside the point). The POINT is that Mr. MLACS and I visited this family over the summer and they know we’re having trouble…and I now suspect she was preggers during our visit. They already have one beautiful baby girl that was conceived within 2 weeks of deciding to “try”. I mean, they’re nice people, but they are the lucky ones. And I personally am in no condition to be celebrating blatant pregnancy announcements (yes I said blatant). So I went in and told Mr. MLACS that his friends are pregnant again and he gets this goofy grin on his face and says “That’s great!” and I just wanted to smack him. I replied “No it’s NOT” and he says “Well c’mon you gotta be happy for them” and I said “NO I DON’T”. F* that sh*t. I most certainly DO NOT have to be happy.

And his other friend, I may as well just “hate” on her while I’m “hating” on his aforementioned friends. Ember is a sweet, innocent, fresh-faced young woman…a girly-girl…the kind of girl who has been planning her wedding since she was 5 years old and didn’t wait a month post-nuptials to start trying. Now, I can appreciate that she had a chemical pregnancy, so it’s not like she is a stranger to crushed dreams. But I have had to watch her document her pregnancy week-by-week for the last 6 months, and then there was a montage of maternity pictures toward the end, and then birth pictures, and now it’s pictures of 1 week old, one month of every f*ing relative in her and her DH’s family holding the damn baby, pictures of the baby in her crib-in a chair-on the floor…it’s like a constant stream of pregnancy/baby porn. And tonight I sniped at Mr. MLACS “This kid is going to think it’s the center of the damn universe”, and Mr. MLACS goes “So?” and I’m like “Well that turns your kid into a brat” and Mr. MLACS is like “Oh leave Ember alone”. You know what, Ember is a nice girl but I’m deleting her from my newsfeed. Every time she pops up I get more and more frustrated, even though I know she’s not trying to antagonize me I just LOATHE her naivety; she’s petite and pretty and sweet and she is in sheer bliss about her blossoming little family. And I f*ing can’t look at one more f*ing photo. And Mr. MLACS just thinks I’m being petty. Which I totally am being petty, but a true best friend will not tell you you’re being petty–a true best friend will be like “Yeah, f* her and her stupid ugly baby–your baby will be WAY cuter.” WTF Mr. MLACS? I thought you were on my team?!

Into The Great Wide Open

“Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue”

These are lyrics from the song “Into The Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty.

I just went to lunch with a group of 5 girlfriends, 3 of whom I know well and 2 of which I feel comfortable enough to have ‘girl talk’ with. One of them is 6 months pregnant, and another one had her 4 month old son with her–he’s adorable and I enjoyed holding him and playing with him. But as we all sat down, the conversation began with everybody gushing over the pregnant one, talking about their own prior pregnancies, and then…talking about who plans to have a baby next. Only ONE of them knows my story, as she and I are very close and I’ve told her about the shots in my ass this week. I was quiet for a few minutes, but finally I just blurted out “Well we are trying to have a baby–and by trying I mean TRYING HARD–and I’ve had two losses already this year.” Let me tell you, that if you want a group of gossiping women to STFU real quick, tell them that. They all looked at me, especially the pregnant one, and I could tell they felt bad. The pregnant one and the one with the 4 month old both offered that they had endured recent miscarriages before their recent successful pregnancies. I hope I don’t regret saying something to them. But you know, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t. I want people to know about infertility and miscarriage. I want people to understand. I want to be able to talk about my loss at the same table with people celebrating pregnancy/children, without feeling like we are on two different sides of the fence. I think it’s possible, but we (Infertility and RPL sufferers) cannot expect to cross that bridge unless we build it ourselves. So I’m over here with my bricks and my mortar….beginning to come “out of the closet” and into the great wide open with my infertility and health struggles…Don’t get me wrong I’m not ready to stand up with a bullhorn or see myself on a billboard but telling a group of women is a start, right?

In other news, the f*ing copious amounts of gel that Dr. Angel uses on the dildocam, combined with the whacky hormones seems to be giving me a yeast infection. Gross much?! It’s not bothersome (itchy or smelly) but it is visible, so before we began our daily probing, I mentioned warned Dr. Angel of my situation and asked him if this might be common during infertility treatments and monitoring and if it was necessary to treat it. His answers were: YES it’s common, particularly because the hormones I’ve been taking can change the PH of the vagina. And NO, I don’t need to treat it at this time. Icky, but manageable.

Next, he said my follies appeared “squished”, because they are getting bigger. However, neither of the follies on my left side measured much bigger than yesterday, which makes me want to double my dose of Bravelle, but Dr. Angel thinks they are fine and the measurements are ‘off’ because the follies are smooshed–which I could see that, because whereas they were previously spherical in shape, they had become more oblong. My uterine lining is at about ‘6’. The cyst on the right side has continued to shrink, which of course is a good thing. Speaking of good things…

I get to pick up Mr. MLACS from the airport tomorrow!!! I’m so excited to see him! But I have SO MUCH I want to finish around the house before he arrives! Before he left I told him that the reason I hadn’t been unpacking and organizing is because he was in the way–which was quite true–but he’s been gone for 3 weeks. Of course in my defense, one of those weeks was spent working and worrying at the new job. Then this week has been all about the dildocam and other facets of our IUI cycle. But honestly, I have procrastinated. XO


Everybody’s Pregnant But Me (and you)

When I first found out I was pregnant for the first time in February, I didn’t keep it a big secret, for a couple of reasons. First of all, Mr. MLACS was SO excited that he told everyone at work. Second, I didn’t realize how common miscarriage is. Third, I am so blatantly honest about things in my life that I figured I’m not the kind of person to keep secrets. So at 5w5d I invited two of the wives of my husband’s coworkers over to our neighborhood park to play, so the wives could meet each other and introduce their small children to each other–we are not military, but the company moves us a lot and none of us live near our families so we tend to flock together. One of the wives, we’ll call her Dee, is my friend. The other wife, we’ll call her Meme, is not my friend. I told them about my pregnancy and they both talked about their pregnancies and expressed their uncertainties about having another child. I felt like I was finally “one of them”, you know, a SAHM, instead of just a (mediocre) housewife. I would have a new way to bond with other women and make friends, through my pregnancy and then through play dates, soccer games, PTA meetings…I loved feeling part of “The Mommy Club”.
Two days before I had my miscarriage, the hubs came home and announced that Meme is pregnant with their third child! Just a couple weeks behind me! I was slightly irritated for no particular reason. Then I had my miscarriage at 7w2d. I didn’t really mind that Meme was preggo, because I had already decided I didn’t like her and now I had an excuse not to ask her to hang out–I’m sure she just assumed I was devastated that I lost my baby and she was pregnant–so I left it at that.
For whatever reason, I didn’t hear from Dee very much for awhile, and I sensed some apprehension from her in our conversations. I didn’t read much into it. I had offered many times to babysit her 2yr old son if she needed or wanted me to. Finally she took me up on my offer. She said she had to go to the OBGYN and I didn’t even ask why…but after I got to the apartment she was just acting weird–nervous. And I began to suspect but I didn’t ask. My heart sank as the thought crept in, that Dee had been avoiding me for weeks because she was pregnant and didn’t want to tell me? That hurt my feelings. My suspicion was confirmed when Dee walked in the door after her OBGYN appointment, holding the very same prenatal goodie bag they had given me a couple months ago. I said “So you ARE pregnant! I thought you might be” and she blushed and said “Yeah, I am”. I felt a little betrayed…and how strange that two women who had lukewarm feelings about having more children became pregnant almost instantly right after I announced my pregnancy? From what other IF bloggers have written, it seems to be part of the curse of IF…everybody will be pregnant but you, and probably announce their pregnancy either during or right after your miscarriage, while you still have a maxi pad strapped to you.
Now Meme and Dee are getting ready to have their babies…my EDD for my first miscarriage is October 12, 2013. Even today I had coffee with Dee and since we are both moving soon and she is in the 28th week of her second (and final) pregnancy, she gifted me two pregnancy books as a well-intentioned parting gift–encouraging me that I will “need them soon!” I used to think that bloggers who “woes me” about the passing of their due dates were being a touch melodramatic. But now as my own due date approaches, and I’ve lived through 2 miscarriages and several more pregnancy announcements…I am going to be quite inconsolable on October 12th. I dread it, actually.
On the bright side, me, kitty, and the hubs will just be getting settled in our new place, and we will be living in my hometown where I have friends who will not constantly remind me that I am not pregnant–there’s my silver lining.