Another Loss. More Grief.

My (maternal) Grandma Margaret passed away last week.

I am so DONE.

Now at 38 years OLD (I feel ancient) I have lost both my parents and all of my grandparents. I’ve nearly lost my husband, *twice*. I’ve lost my colon. I’ve lost my house to a fire. I’ve lost babies to miscarriage.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.

My life is defined by grief and loss, grief and loss, and more grief…and loss.

I’m now paranoid that ALL the bad things are going to happen. Any scenario my anxiety-riddled brain comes up with seems plausible. I’m struggling to live in the moment while also steeling myself for the next bad thing to happen. Will my husband drop dead? Will he be home alone with 3yr old BG? Will I be lulled into a false sense of security, on a mundane trip to Target, and return home to a hysterical child and unresponsive husband??? Will it be my beloved labrador retriever? Will he develop cancer or kidney failure? Or God forbid…if anything happens to BG…I would swiftly take my own life.

I don’t like living in fear. I do the f*ing EFT tapping therapy to try to stay mentally and physically healthy. But about the time I begin to move on from one tragedy, the next one strikes. It’s like tidal waves of tragedy keep trying to drown me and I keep kicking to the surface but about the time the water calms, another wave hits.

Metaphorically speaking I feel about as desperate as Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away.

And I have nobody to talk to about it, except you–my internet friends.



8 thoughts on “Another Loss. More Grief.

  1. Oh my friend I am so sorry your grandmother passed away. My heart hurts for all the losses and close calls you’ve endured, no-one deserves the hell you’ve been put through.
    As you know, I understand loss all too well and its just so damn hard and so insanely cruel. There are no words to make you feel better right now or to lessen your fears. So just know I am here anytime and keeping you and your family in my heart. ❤️

  2. Oh my goodness girl. I’m so sorry. For everything. I know hearing those words doesn’t help, but please know I’m thinking of you. I wish we lived closer so you could hang out in my kitchen with me, drink coffee, and chat about life. I need that kind of friend in my life…

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. And I definitely understand the crippling anxiety. I too have lived (and sometimes continue to live) my life in that darkness.

    The one thing that helped me the most was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It was small improvements, but they added up. I’m not the same person I used to be before the anxiety and panic, but I’m better than where I was. I was agoraphobic and couldn’t even leave my house.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I can’t even imagine after all of the loss you have endured. I hope and pray that you can feel better and more at ease soon.

    Thinking of you. ❤

  4. My heart goes out to you. I cant imagine how incredibly hard everything must have been and could currently be. I hope you find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong. Baby steps and take it easy on yourself ❤

  5. Friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like much of my life is defined by loss and grief as well and I understand the anxiety that causes. Always waiting for the next thing. I hope you can get a break from this soon. Know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

  6. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I wish I could give you a big hug and make the grief and anxiety go away. I hope you have found some peaceful moments to be still and calm your mind. Hugs xxx.

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