The Weight of Coffee

We all take a lot of things for granted. Being sick and having my life turned upside-down, I was given an opportunity to see a wealth of things that I have taken for granted. Now that I am healing I am full of gratitude for every. little. thing.

I don’t even know where to begin, but just to give you an idea:

  1. Ability to sit upright on the couch instead of laying down.
  2. Ability to cook a meal, plus now I can make an entire meal without having to sit down and rest (can be on my feet in the kitchen at will).
  3. Ability to go to target or the grocery store by myself.

Of course there are more significant things that I am grateful for, but I list the mundane things to point out how much we (I) actually take (took) for granted. My list could go on for days.

One of the things I grieved the loss of during the thicke of this flare, was coffee. I haven’t had a cup of coffee in 12 weeks, maybe longer.

Prior to this flare, I would have at least 2 (large) cups per day. My keurig carousel was always stocked with a great selection of flavored coffees, and I would always have multiple containers of SO Delicious coconut milk creamer (vanilla flavor) in my fridge. If there was one thing I would make an emergency trip to the grocery store for, it was coffee. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a die-hard starbucks patron–have been since 2002–and strategically plan any outing such that I can hit up an SB drive thru.

Clearly, I drank too much coffee.

I was addicted.

And I loved it as much as any addict could love their addiction. It was more than just caffeine. It was more than just habit.

It’s what got me out of bed in the morning.

It was a warm and cozy cup between my hands when they were cold.

It was how I treated myself–a white chocolate mocha after a long day.

It’s fueled many deep and wonderful conversations with friends–laughter and tears.

It’s memories of my Mom, who was a coffee addict too.

It’s my ritual to go to starbucks every time I go to the airport–even if I have to trek to another terminal.

I could go on, but suffice to say that coffee punctuated every day of my adult life and without it nothing felt right.

It is doubly depressing to be sick and simultaneously have one of your biggest coping mechanisms taken from you. Like if you had stolen a little kid’s pacifier.

I had to give it up at the very beginning of my flare–even before I realized I was sick–because I’d be running to the toilet after the first sip and every sip thereafter.

And I missed it.

But as the flare unfolded, coffee was further and further from my mind. I hardly thought about it except for when I noticed the dust on my keurig or opened my wallet to see the unused $25 starbucks gift card from Mr. MLACS.


As I’ve started to feel better these past few days, the stagnant boxes of k-cups sitting on my pantry shelves have begun to catch my eye.

BG woke me up at 5:40am and I begrudgingly climbed out of bed to serve her breakfast and turn on her cartoons. It was cold and that further eroded my motivation. I thought “If I wasn’t so cold, I’d be a lot happier”. And suddenly I had a flashback of myself curled up on the couch, holding a warm cup of coffee on a cold day. And my gut told me I would be ok if I had some…

So I dusted off my keurig and filled it up with water, and I took out one of my favorite pottery barn great-white-collection coffee cups, loaded my k-cup, and pressed the button.

It felt surreal.

After the coffee was made, I added a splash of coconut creamer. Then I curled up on the couch, cup between my hands, and took a sip.

Not as good as I remembered, but not bad.

I drank maybe 1/3 of the cup and I am happy to report that I have not had to go to the toilet at all!

It’s a miracle! Hallelujer! Amen!

While I have no intention of drinking as much coffee as I did before, it feels like a REALLY BIG DEAL to be able to have any at all.

Like, a sure-fire sign that I am healing and also the comfort of being able to resume my life as it was before the flare.

Things are looking up guys. I am so so so sooooooo grateful.










19 thoughts on “The Weight of Coffee

  1. This made me smile! Im glad you are feeling better but i am also really happy that you are able to enjoy your coffee again! Sometimes it really is the simple things in life that mean so much to our wellbeing. ❤

  2. This makes me sooooooo happy to hear! Coffee is a regular part of my day as well and is my go-to comforter, so I understand the need and desire. It’s good to not be so dependent on something, but I’m really glad you’re able to enjoy a little as you choose! xo

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