Tired

I took my 3rd Humira injection last night (Mr. MLACS did it for me) and I was up and down all night due to that and BG waking up.

I was SO exhausted this morning, and then Mr. MLACS tells me he has to go into work, but hopes to be home by lunch.

Today was hard.

I was tired and anxious, irritable and uncomfortable. Did I mention tired? So, so tired.

By lunchtime I was crashing and I freaked out when Mr. MLACS told me he had to stay at work, because I was feeling unstable and super guilty because I pacified BG with cartoons all morning while I laid on the couch, expecting that Mr. MLACS would be home by lunch and take her to the park. He was going to take her to Little Gym this morning and I felt bad that she missed that too, but I wasn’t fit for it today.

After I argued with Mr. MLACS and he said some really mean sh*t, I cried and BG cried and then she agreed to take a nap. So we took a 1.5 hr nap, and I woke up feeling groggy but more stable.

I fed BG lunch and we watched more cartoons and she played a bit. But then she wanted to go outside (and I wanted her to go outside) so we went out in the backyard for a bit and threw the ball for our dog, blew some bubbles, and messed around. But then I had to go inside and BG was awfully disappointed–more guilt.

I fed her snack and laid on the couch. Looking around at my house there’s so much I would have liked to accomplish–vacuming, laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the patio (it’s filthy), etc. etc. There is a neighbor down the street who has 2 toddlers and a newborn, and her house is immaculate and I know for a fact she has no help and they are selling their house and the pictures showcase how orderly everything is… and I look around my house and I feel disappointed in myself. And guilty.

Will I ever be able to live the life I want to live? On my terms?

Mr. MLACS didn’t get home until 6:15pm. I had him pick up mexican food for dinner (because of course I didn’t cook today–didn’t even consider it). I was SO hungry I just stuffed my face. And now I’m laying on the couch about to pass out while Mr. MLACS feeds BG dinner.

When I get better and our dream home is repaired, I am burning this f*ing couch.

Oh yay, Mr. MLACS just took a call and now he has to go back into work. BG is going to be very disappointed that he won’t be here for our bedtime routine, especially since he was gone all day. And obviously I can’t take my sitz bath.

It’s hard to have such a good (well, better) week and then have everything blow up unexpectedly on a Saturday.

I don’t know how I’ll handle it if Mr. MLACS has to go into work tomorrow. I need to get out of the house but I’m anxious and scatterbrained and I don’t know if I can do it by myself. But if I don’t get off this couch I will lose whatever is left of my mind.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Tired

  1. It feels so unfair that your health is stealing away these small moments of your life. I wish I could do something to help. I wish your body would cut you a break.

    I wish your husband’s job would cut your husband a break.

    You have my prayers that you feel better soon :/

    • It took awhile for me to get to sleep lsst night, but once I did I slept well, so that’s good. Mr. MLACS didn’t get home until 3am and he’s still asleep, but I hear a lot of notifications on his work cell and that leads me to believe he will have to go to work today (he’s an engineer and when his equipment malfunctions it’s crisis-mode). His notification sound for work is R2-D2, such a nerd ❤ XO

      • Hehe. Best ringtone ever.

        My uncle and cousin are also engineers. Science runs in our family. Though math more in theirs.

        And… they’re also nerds. Could this be a coincidence? o.O

        His work schedule sounds like what my husband’s will be next month…

        I’m glad you got to sleep eventually.

  2. Oh no. I’m sorry you had a setback! But, hopefully it is only a temporary setback and you can get some rest soon and feel more energized. I’m sorry Mr. MLACS has such a demanding job, it seems like he has these work issues at the worst possible times! Ugh. Thinking of you.

  3. I wish you had more help. I wish I was there to help you. I know it’s nearly impossible as a mom, but give yourself permission to let go of the guilt as much as you can. A kid needs to run and play, but watching a lot of cartoons on the days when you need her to isn’t going to kill her. She’ll be okay. And that neighbor down the street with the immaculate house? Perhaps it’s only immaculate because they are in the process of selling. We kept our house spotless when it was on the market, but our new house now has a layer of dust on the shelves and toys scattered everywhere. Guilt is an emotion that should come from intentionally doing something bad when you know you shouldn’t — NOT from letting a few things slide as a mom because of circumstances that are so completely out of your control. You are doing the very best you can and you should be proud of that! I’m proud of you. I hope things go back to “better” really soon. xo

    • Thank you for the pep talk! What you said that struck me was “Guilt is an emotion that should come from intentionally doung something bad when you know you shouldn’t”…and I realize that even if I *want* to do better, I am doing my best. I need to accept myself and my limitations. It’s just so damn hard! Thank you for your thoughtful and very encouraging comment.
      I should mention that Mr. MLACS was off work today, I felt better, and we had a nice time at the crawfish boil. So, only half the weekend sucked. ❤ XOXO

    • Yes I woke up yesterday (Sunday) feeling more like myself and Mr. MLACS didn’t have to go to work. We enjoyed hanging out at the house and playing in the yard. I caught a nap wiyh BG. And we went to the crawfish boil and had a good time, especially BG. So yesterday was a nice reprieve. I hardly went to the toilet.

      Now today, my morning has been rough physically and mentally. Seems all the toileting I avoided yesterday needs to happen today, and it’s happening in waves with lots of painful cramps. BG wants my attention and I just want to be left alone until my body calms the f*ck down and I can think straight. I can’t live in chaos any longer & will use whatever energy and focus I have to clean today, which will definitely make me feel better. XOXO

  4. I cannot imagine going through all of this and caring for a toddler at the same time. As for the mom down the street, those staged photos for selling the house are supposed to make the house look crazy clean and organized. I’m sure that’s not the truth of her every day life. If she does somehow magically keep her house immaculate, she’s either a witch or she sold her soul to the devil. No mere mortal can keep that up without help.

    • Duuuude, she’s also Christian but “cool” (not a holy roller) AND she has sex with her husband every day. Oh and she spends 2 hours a day shuttling her toddler to a good preschool waaay across town. And her house is apparently always that clean. I would definitely marry her. XOXO

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