I took my 3rd Humira injection last night (Mr. MLACS did it for me) and I was up and down all night due to that and BG waking up.
I was SO exhausted this morning, and then Mr. MLACS tells me he has to go into work, but hopes to be home by lunch.
Today was hard.
I was tired and anxious, irritable and uncomfortable. Did I mention tired? So, so tired.
By lunchtime I was crashing and I freaked out when Mr. MLACS told me he had to stay at work, because I was feeling unstable and super guilty because I pacified BG with cartoons all morning while I laid on the couch, expecting that Mr. MLACS would be home by lunch and take her to the park. He was going to take her to Little Gym this morning and I felt bad that she missed that too, but I wasn’t fit for it today.
After I argued with Mr. MLACS and he said some really mean sh*t, I cried and BG cried and then she agreed to take a nap. So we took a 1.5 hr nap, and I woke up feeling groggy but more stable.
I fed BG lunch and we watched more cartoons and she played a bit. But then she wanted to go outside (and I wanted her to go outside) so we went out in the backyard for a bit and threw the ball for our dog, blew some bubbles, and messed around. But then I had to go inside and BG was awfully disappointed–more guilt.
I fed her snack and laid on the couch. Looking around at my house there’s so much I would have liked to accomplish–vacuming, laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the patio (it’s filthy), etc. etc. There is a neighbor down the street who has 2 toddlers and a newborn, and her house is immaculate and I know for a fact she has no help and they are selling their house and the pictures showcase how orderly everything is… and I look around my house and I feel disappointed in myself. And guilty.
Will I ever be able to live the life I want to live? On my terms?
Mr. MLACS didn’t get home until 6:15pm. I had him pick up mexican food for dinner (because of course I didn’t cook today–didn’t even consider it). I was SO hungry I just stuffed my face. And now I’m laying on the couch about to pass out while Mr. MLACS feeds BG dinner.
When I get better and our dream home is repaired, I am burning this f*ing couch.
Oh yay, Mr. MLACS just took a call and now he has to go back into work. BG is going to be very disappointed that he won’t be here for our bedtime routine, especially since he was gone all day. And obviously I can’t take my sitz bath.
It’s hard to have such a good (well, better) week and then have everything blow up unexpectedly on a Saturday.
I don’t know how I’ll handle it if Mr. MLACS has to go into work tomorrow. I need to get out of the house but I’m anxious and scatterbrained and I don’t know if I can do it by myself. But if I don’t get off this couch I will lose whatever is left of my mind.