It can’t rain all the time.
This is actually the title of a song by Jane Siberry, from the original “The Crow” sound track. I was such an angsty teenager. I fell in love with Brandon Lee when I watched the movie, and mourned his untimely death (he was accidentally killed during the filming of the movie).
How is this relevant? Well, I’ve always been prone to depression. It’s so easy for me to fall down a rabbit hole of despair. I was born this way. But now I have medications and coping mechanisms. Except…sometimes I am so spun that I can’t utilize my coping mechanisms. For example, a couple weeks ago when I was weathering the eye of the storm with my illness. I was just falling, falling, falling down the rabbit hole.
But somehow, I managed to push through it. I cried a lot. I prayed. And I started EFT tapping again. And now, the clouds have parted and I am able to bask in the rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds. I can feel gratitude for what I do have. I can feel hopeful that I am healing and will continue to heal. I can soothe myself when I am upset and bring myself back to a state of calm.
I am using positive affirmations in my tapping–I couldn’t at first, because I didn’t believe my own words. I would try to say “I deeply and completely accept myself, disease and all” but I would dissolve into tears because it was a lie. I didn’t accept myself as a sick person. I was full of shame, anger, sadness, guilt, fear, despair, etc. I felt broken and useless.
But I kept tapping, every night in the sitz bath.
And then a funny thing happened. I realized that I had stopped crying during my tapping. I started watching videos of tapping for healing. And I started talking to my body. I said “My body is a good body, my body wants to heal, my body wants to feel better, I am healing right now, every cell in my body is capable of healing, I trust my body” and then, to myself “I am enough, I deserve to heal, I deserve to feel better, I don’t have to accept this pain–I choose to let it go, I don’t have to wait to feel better–I can feel better now… I deeply and completely accept myself as I am now, disease and all”.
And a few days ago, I realized I actually believed it.
It took two weeks of tapping daily, but I guess I had a lot of negative energy (negative thoughts and feelings of self loathing) to clear before I could begin to heal.
It’s amazing that I’m feeling better, because I have a new complication–a peri-anal fistula–and it can be quite painful. But I tap during my toileting sessions and am able to stay calm and minimize the pain.
I’ve been able to do more–I cooked this weekend! I made quiche, eggplant lasagna, and a chicken dish. I went out to dinner with Mr. MLACS and BG. And the next day we went to lunch! And whole foods! And I didn’t crap my pants.
Come Monday, Mr. MLACS’s business trip was miraculously canceled! I still had the sitter come Monday because Mr. MLACS had to work super late. It was great–BG had a blast with her and I got some time to rest and take care of myself. And I didn’t feel one bit guilty.
I’ve taken BG to the park 2 days this week and to Little Gym and we grocery shopped. I have been able to get off the couch more to play with her. Since I’ve been calmer and in less pain, I’m much more patient with her.
Today, I did the dishes! I hate dishes, but today I was thrilled to feel up to the task.
Unfortunately we missed out on our first Mardi Gras in the South, because I definitely did not feel up to going to the parades. I had intended to perfect a recipe for gluten-free king cake and that didn’t happen either. And BG’s 2nd birthday is just around the corner and I have given up on the idea of hosting a birthday party. I’m getting her some Daniel Tiger balloons, a cake (or cupcakes), some gifts, and a trip to the zoo and aquarium. I have to cut myself some slack–life is messy and that’s ok. Tonight we are going to costco to grab an appetizer and dessert to take to a crawfish boil this weekend (my first crawfish boil). It’s ok to buy delicious food at the store instead of cooking it myself. I don’t need to be Martha Stewart.
I am enough.
As far as my UC goes, I see the current GI a week from Today. He’ll have to examine me and I don’t know what kind of tests he’ll order, especially with regard to my fistula. I believe I’ll have to have an MRI and CT scan. I still go to the toilet 5-10x per day. There’s still a fair amount of blood. I wear depends 24/7 because my fistula leaks a bit (and I did crap my pants one time since my last blog, but I was at home). I’m still taking 40mg Prednisone with no plans to drop until I feel better. My face is still puffy. But…I’m eating solid food–mostly whatever I want–and I’ve only gained back 3 lbs of the 22 lbs I lost. I assume that’s because it takes a lot of calories to heal.
And look what came on the mail today from my lovely friend Steph over at http://www.stephmignon.com
It’s butternut squash soup, a beautiful ladle, some gourmet hot tea, and gourmet honey. And it’s yellow–a ray of sunshine ❤ Thank you Steph!
And thank you, my friends, for checking in on me and offering your support. I really love you guys and I don’t know what I’d do without you–hardly anyone IRL knows anything more than “I haven’t been feeling so good–but don’t worry it’s not contagious”.
It’s going to be ok.
I’m going to be ok.