Close Call (sick as f*ck)

BG woke me up this morning at 5am, and I could feel it–the war inside of my body.

I was uncomfortable, my guts churning, cramping, with the building urge to defecate. I felt dread. BG wanted to nurse and snuggle (per usual) and I just wanted to get her settled back to sleep before bolting to the bathroom. I lay there, fighting the urge, for 20 or 30 minutes. BG was just on the cusp between sleep and awake, and I knew if I moved that she would startle and cry when she realized I was gone. But I couldn’t hold it any longer. I ran to Mr. MLACS’s room (he sleeps in the guest room since I cosleep with BG) and I told him “I’m sick, go lay with her” as I rushed into the guest bathroom. I heard her crying and I began to cry too…silent tears, muffled sobs.

Immediately the toilet bowl was crimson with blood.

I couldn’t stop bearing down–it was like a contraction. Waves of contractions that I was trying to breath through. And the pain–the pain of my hemorrhoids and my swollen bloody anus, as I was bearing down under these waves of contractions–is excruciating.

The contractions finally slowed enough for me to get up from the toilet. But I felt no relief. I tried to sneak into the master bedroom because all my meds are in the master bathroom, but BG was not asleep and she saw me creeping across the room. I felt defeated as I rummaged through my drawer and held the prescription bottles up to the nightlite to be sure I had the right ones. I popped 20mg of Prednisone and two Hycosamine tablets. BG sat up as I exited the bathroom and cried out to me. I told her and Mr. MLACS to go ahead and get up since she was awake and he needed to get ready for work.

I curled up in the fetal position on the couch and tried to look chipper as I said “Good morning baby” to BG. But it wasn’t long before I had to run to the bathroom again. More blood. I began to feel shaky and panicked, like things were not ok.

Again I exited the bathroom and sunk into the couch, curled into the fetal position. Mr. MLACS asked if he should go to work and I looked at him, exasperated, and said “Well you can’t just stay home every other day for me”. I felt ashamed. Pathetic. Desperate. But I tried to muster courage and hope, that the Prednisone and Hycosamine would soon bring me some relief and allow my to care for myself and my child.

He left for work and I had to run to the toilet again. More blood. So much blood. I was shaking. I knew I wasn’t ok. What do I do? Do I try slamming a couple more Prednisone (renegade without consulting my GI nurse)? Is it time to go to the emergency room? When do I surrender? What will happen if I do? What will happen if I don’t get help…

I decided to pull a Hail Mary and slammed 20mg more of Prednisone.

Time stood still as I waited to find out my fate.

Within 5 minutes I could feel my immune system “retreating” from battle. I could feel the bleeding stop. The pain subsided. The contractions stopped. And that’s when I realized how close I had come to being hospitalized. To needing a blood transfusion. To NOT being ok.

I’m so grateful that the prednisone worked. And I kick myself because I KNEW 20mg wasn’t enough in the first place. I knew I should’ve dropped the Uceris and replaced it with 20mg of Prednisone. I just didn’t want to argue with my nurse.

I’m upping my Prednisone to the max dose of 60mg/day. I’ll take 40mg in the morning and 20mg in the evening. My nurse is out of the office until Monday and by then I’ll know if it worked, and if it worked and she’s pissed I didn’t follow directions then she can kiss my ass. The Humira isn’t even approved by my insurance yet (and obviously since my nurse is gone until Monday nothing will happen before then). Plus I doubt Humira would put me in remission if Prednisone can’t, since Remicaid didn’t work for me. I need to be under control before I start it.

I don’t care about the weight gain, the insomnia, depression, moon face, and all the other sh*tty things that come along with Prednisone. I just want to stay out of the hospital. I just want Mr. MLACS to go to work. I just want to take my kid to the Little Gym for her class in an hour. I just want to fix dinner for my family. I just want to live my life OFF OF THE TOILET.




16 thoughts on “Close Call (sick as f*ck)

  1. Oh MLACS. I had a bad feeling even before I saw this. In my view you’ve done the right thing upping the Pred for the next several days. But you may yet need a blood transfusion. I don’t want to be alarmist *at all* but if your hemoglobin gets too low from blood loss you can go into arrest. Please. I’m really worried for you. I know you’re listening to your body and taking care. You’re not pathetic (I know you intellectually know that but I’m taking to the rest of you). If you don’t want to go to ER (and I so get why), while you’re on the 60 mg try to stay near others (little gym, groceries, star.bucks, whatever) in case something happens so you’re not alone at home until Mr M comes home. It’s going to take time to rebuild all you’ve lost. Love and strength my friend.

  2. Oh my goodness that you manage to get through the day makes you the exact opposite of pathetic. Your strength is incredible. What a nightmare. Xo

  3. Wow. This is painful to read and I’m at a loss for what to say that could possibly be helpful. But please, please do take care of yourself. You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, right? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And do not rest until you find something that works for you and helps you to feel better, not for just a moment, but for as long as possible. You deserve a better quality of life. I’m thinking of you. xo

  4. Oh my! It’s incredible to me that after all the blood loss you still want to/can do anything! I hope the humira will eliminate these episodes completely. Don’t feel bad if mr mlacs has to stay home with you. Do what you need to do to get better!

  5. Btw, I hate to offer any kind of “advice” since I’m sure you’ve tried everything already. But I was curious if you’d ever felt any relief while using aloe juice or probiotics? I’m sure neither of those could actually put you in remission – it’s clear that you need much stronger medicines – but I wondered if they would help your body heal at all. Just a thought. Again, I feel silly even mentioning it since I’m sure this is the equivalent of “just relax” in the infertility world.

    • Hey! I do take VSL#3 probiotics and they definitely help. And I take a really good krill fish oil capsule, calcium/magnesium, 6000iu of vitamin D, and a quality prenatal. And I eat gluten-free. I’ve bought aloe juice but it’s gross & more targeted to the upper digestive tract, although I’m sure it would help. Herd lately nothing I do makes much difference 😦 Thanks for the suggestions! ❤ XOXO

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