Happy Holidays!


Hey ladies, happy holidays to you!

I think I’ll do bullet points because it’s a clusterf*ck of thoughts:

  1. Despite chronic illness and life struggles, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
  2. But f*ck, chronic illness is a b*tch. Do you have any idea what it takes to keep me going? My husband had to pick up a *garbage bag* of enemas for me the other day (3 month supply). I take no less than 20 pills per day–mostly medication + some essential (and pricey $$$) supplements. Then I use a medicated foam & a cream on my face. Oh, and mouthwash for my frequent mouth ulcers.
  3. My toddler thinks all this is “normal”. Like all the mommies have to take their medicines 20 minutes after breakfast and before bed, every day. Besides being frustrated that I have to go to great lengths to maintain fair/poor health, I am also disappointed that my daughter has to witness my struggle.
  4. While my health is always teeter-tottering between stable/crisis, BG’s health is outstanding! I do feel like I can take some credit for that, since I always feed her nutritious food and have continued to breastfeed her, even now at 20 months.
  5. I can add another ailment to my list–perinasal dermatitis. I didn’t know what it was and I fought it for weeks before going to my dermatologist. Now I’m on low dose antibiotics for several weeks *and* a cream, and I can’t have a sip of alcohol. Naturally, I had just made an amazing breadpudding and doused it with bourbon sauce, which I now cannot eat.
  6. My Ulcerative Colitis is mildly “flaring” at the moment. I have to make a trip to see my GI doc next week (1.5 hr drive each way). Dunno what he’ll want to do. Maybe Uceris? Can my poor liver and kidneys even handle another medication at this point?
  7. Me and Mr. MLACS go to see The Nutcracker every year, and we are taking BG again this year! I bought her a little pink ballet-inspired dress and real pink ballet slippers. She loves them! She loves to dance! I cannot wait to see what she thinks of the performance! Taking my daughter to The Nutcracker means everything to me–a dream come true ❤
  8. Our Christmas tree is up and I also decorated a colorful mini tree for BG’s playroom (adorable!). BG and I both love the Christmas trees and we plug them in first thing when we wake up.
  9. I found an awesome occassional nanny! This means I don’t have to ask Mr. MLACS to miss work every time I have an appointment. And we can have a date ❤
  10. BG is just amazing. Learning new words every day. Her imagination is growing too–more complex pretending. She loves to help. She is starting to show signs of potty-training readiness (hiding to poop, wanting her wet diapers changed). She is VERY into cartoons and is a HUGE fan of Daniel Tiger. While I think limiting screen time is important, I admit to sometimes letting her watch DT on loop–at least he’s educational–I actually use his songs to motivate BG. Lately she wants to cuddle and nurse a lot, and I relish these moments. I wrap her up in the softest blanket, cuddle her, kiss her head and tell her I love her over and over. I just can’t get enough of her, even though I’m with her 24/7 (still cosleeping).
  11. I am still scared to start TTC and my self-imposed deadline is looming near–I will see the new OBGYN in a couple weeks. Just before ovulation this month I got a touch of “baby fever”, but now that I’ve ovulated I’m over it. I’m actually glad I’m on medications that I can’t TTC while taking, so that buys me at least a few more weeks before I can consider it. I don’t want to lose what I have with BG–we are like peas and carrots. She is still nursing. I don’t want to push her away or neglect her if I have another difficult pregnancy. I worry, always, about the potential consequences of TTC/pregnancy/adding to our already perfect little family.
  12. It looks like we are on the verge of making some progress regarding our forsaken dream home–I hope! Fx fx fx.

I’ll be 37 years old next week. I can hardly believe it. And I cut off all my hair! It’s cute but so short I can barely put it in a ponytail–very different for me (and thus exciting). I feel like I’m starting to be myself again after PPA, which is awesome.

I miss a lot of our blogger sisters who have moved on after IF and loss. But for those of you still with me–Merry Christmas! May gratitude, generosity, and goodwill touch your heart and make you glad this season ❤



16 thoughts on “Happy Holidays!

  1. Happy Holidays! So glad BG is doing well. I’m so glad you get to have these holiday moments with her. Sure feels different this year with Nora. So much love to you.

    • I’m so happy for you and T to share your first Christmas with Nora ❤ It's hard to explain the difference between Christmas before BG and Christmas after… do you know tge scene in Polar Express where the boy is struggling to hear the Christmas bells–everyone else hears them–but he can't? And then suddenly, something *clicks* and he can hear the bells and they are the sweetest sound in the world! And all he asks Santa for as a gift is a Christmas bell…
      Well BG is my Christmas bell ❤ XOXO

  2. I hope you ended up enjoying the holidays as you had planned. Hope everything went well. I’m looking forward to following your blog. My “issues” may be different, but that’s why I like to follow many different blogs, to learn as much about other people and not only their daily struggles, but their joy and successes in life. We all have “good” days. We all have “better” days. We all have “not so good” days. And, we all have “bad” days. It’s just life, with or without a chronic illness or any other problem. I wish you the best in your endeavors. Peace out. 🙂

    • Oh man, so good to hear from a fellow autoimmune/chronic illness “warrior”. Today has been super rough for me, feeling very ill–exhausted, foggy brain, mouth full of mouth ulcers, dry eyes, and running to the bathroom urgently all day. Hoping it will pass on it’s own without having to call my doc (which means big-gun meds with side effects) but it ain’t lookin good. I’m feeling depressed. And nobody knows what I’m going through or how it feels–but you do. Please stick around! XOXO

      • Don’t you worry. I’m not going anywhere. I understand all about it…….every symptom you just mentioned, above……..mouth ulcers and all. It is good to connect with other’s going through very similar things. Living this way is rough, and only people like you and me know that. Cough, gag, spit, and repeat……wheeze, cough, gag…………….I’m trying to have an asthma attack. I’m coughing my brains out……blah I always try to ride it out, too, for the exact same reason. I’m feeling very sad and depressed at the moment and I’ve shut everyone out…………..my mom isn’t happy with me…………………..I wrote a post last night and I don’t think she liked it much……………it was only the truth and I was only expressing how it is all making me feel. Sometimes, I just need to turn my phone off and have a few days to myself or with my online community, the people that truly understand. I’ll call my mom in a day or 2. I’ll send her a text tonight, in the middle of the night, telling her that. She says it’s really sad that I block out the people that love and care about me the most. It’s not feeling that way, after the most current events that I was left out of. The second gathering was about me having a Christmas with my family. They said they would wait, but did they? No, they did not. Well, excuse me for coming down with Shingles and feeling so damn sick. I’m done being sorry for being sick. I didn’t cause it, so why should I always have to be sorry about it?? So, I’ll be on for awhile more tonight, and then when I sign out, I’ll be back on tomorrow. So, don’t you worry. I will be here. HUGS

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