Love Is Fear

Hey ladies, howzit?

I am such a hot f*cking mess. I have so much I need to talk about here.

First off, I am dizzy. I have been dizzy for a week. I’ve seen an urgent care doc, an ENT, an Audiologist, and a Chiropractor. Though no diagnosis has been made, it appears as though my muscles are suuuuper tense and my cervical spine is jacked. I’m more irritated about the inconvenience than by the discomfort. I’m taking loads of NSAIDs and some muscle relaxers and using a heating pad and seeing the chiropractor again on Saturday. But I have sh*t to do and it’s been holding me back for a week.

Then I got my period. I now have a 28 day cycle since I’ve weaned to just taking one Domperidone tablet per day (for milk supply). It’s weird, because I’ve always had a 30-31 day cycle in the past. What does this indicate about my fertility? Is it good?

I’m thinking a lot about TTC again. I really want another baby. I am starting to feel pangs of envy when I see a pregnancy announcement, even though we are not trying. I worry that my biological clock is “ticking”–will be 37 soon–and I feel pressure. People have asked me “Will you have another?” and I choke up–they say it casually, as though it’s MY choice, like “Will you have fries with that?” We just observed October 15th and I remembered the babies I lost. I just moved to the South and as I make friends and tell my story I am reminded that I suffered through SIX IUI’s to conceive my BG. I DON’T KNOW if I will have another baby in my arms. I guess part of wanting to TTC is because I want to KNOW if I will have my baby #2 (God willing)…or not. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of living in fear of more losses and more infertility.

I want peace of mind, and I cannot have it until I am done TTC.

I miss my Dr. Angel, who held my hand through infertility treatments and my pregnancy with BG. He is irreplaceable. But I finally started searching for a new OBGYN in my new Southern home. I finally found one who made an impression based on his bio and online reviews, and couldn’t get an appointment until the end of December. Which is fine because I’m not ready to TTC yet–I feel unprepared.

First off, I need progesterone support. With BG, my progesterone was a paltry 11 at 15dpo, and the absolute lowest it can be to support a pregnancy is 9. So I want a prescription for progesterone–filled–before we TTC. I actually called our new prescription insurance the other day to find out if they cover progesterone. They do, but only generic 100mg or 200mg capsules, or PIO. Given that even on crinone my progesterone barely creeped up to 20, I should probably just bite the bullet and do the PIO, right? A 3 month supply is only $31 under my insurance. Whereas a 15 day supply of Crinone paying OOP is $75 (so $150 per month). I might rather “pay the man” for the Crinone though, and save my a**. Ya think?

Then I gave myself Heparin shots 2x a day through my pregnancy with BG, based on the fact that I had tested positive for ANA’s, had two prior losses, and a ‘gut feeling’ of Dr. Angel. None of these things by themselves indicate a clotting issue. But I think I am going to lobby the new OBGYN to put me on Heparin if I get pregnant again. Even though it f*cking sucks. So bad. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, IMHO. And my insurance will cover it.

And then there was the PPA I experienced (even now) after giving birth. The gut-wrenching fear that something bad will happen to my baby. And it will be my fault. Even now, I can barely drive on the freeways in our new city because there are a lot of accidents–I tack on an extra 15-30 minutes everywhere I go just to avoid the freeway. It’s not quite irrational, but it’s also not “normal”.

I only just reached the point where I can imagine going through all this again. Where I can allow myself to revisit the past, recognize my fears, take a deep breathe, and cautiously begin to go through the motions of preparing to TTC again.

It is easier, because I have my BG. But TTC is still heavy and scary and quite serious.

Speaking of scary and quite serious, I accompanied Mr. MLACS to his first appointment with his new Cardiologist last week. GOOD NEWS! His EF is up from 31% to 51% since April! That is almost “normal”! And the doc switched him from Lisinopril to Entresto, which will supposedly markedly increase his life expectancy! The doc definitely wants him to lose weight but wasn’t a dick about it. They are still considering outfitting him with a defibrulator (internally, on his heart). I wish they would give it to him, on the chance he would have a heart attack and it might save his life. I am afraid of losing him. I do not know how to let go of that fear. I get mad because I feel like HE causes my fear and anxiety since HE has neglected to lose the weight he needs to lose and generally take better care of himself. I’m so sick and tired of caring more about his health than he does. I have enough f*cking problems dealing with my own health.

And then dealing with a toddler. And moving. And life. I’m tired. Actually, I’m exhausted. And apparently, my neck muscles are so tense from stress that I literally can’t f*cking see straight.

I just want to run away sometimes. I just want to not care so damn much.

I just want STOP BEING AFRAID of losing people I love (including babies I have not even conceived yet).

XOXO,

MLACS

 

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Love Is Fear

  1. Hey there, sorry to hear you have all this on your mind right now. As for TTC #2, the PIO shots while annoying, aren’t too bad. Once you do it for a few days you kind of get used to it. I don’t blame you one bit for being proactive with that and the other meds. As for the husband, we are in the same boat. Mine complains about everything but yet does nothing to solve his issues. I can’t nag him about the weight because I’m in the same boat right now but I plan on changing that after baby comes. I’m a little scared of PPA this time around just because of how I felt the first 7 weeks with M so I totally get your fear there. I should probably talk to my OB about that next appointment. For what it’s worth, you’re doing everything right and you’re a wonderful wife and mom. I know it’s hard not to fear all the bad things that can happen, but at the end of the day your fear isn’t going to be the cause of what actually happens in your life. Try to focus on the positives and live each day as it comes. I’m not trying to be the annoying friend giving advice over here, but I can tell you from experience that my two pregnancies have been very different because I worried with the first and not so much with the second. Hang in there and I will be thinking of you! Hugs!

    • Thank you for reaching out! I really appreciate the advice and encouragement! Particularly about the PIO. Please do talk to your OB about PPD and PPA, and be aware that PPA is way underdiagnosed because physicians usually only ask questions pertaining to PPD as part of their postpartum exams. But if you feel panic or lose sleep because you can’t shut your mind off or have frequent/recurring thoughts of bad things happening to your baby (and in my case, everyone else too)–that’s PPA. XOXO

      • Thanks for the info on PPA. Last time I just felt like I did everything wrong (I know now I didn’t) and that ate at me a little bit. I know more what to expect this time so I’m really trying to keep that mindset and take each day as it comes. The hardest thing for me is that any mention of depression immediately makes me think of my mom and the fact I want to be nothing like her (she passed 10 years ago). Last time when the OB talked to me about it at my 6 week postpartum appt I was strongly against any meds. I know that’s not the right mindset either because my mom’s situation was different and she lived with a very controlling and manipulative man (parents divorced when I was 4). So that’s my struggle with all of this anyways. I’m so stubborn and wish to be the exact opposite of my mother, but at the same time I need to look at my own situation and figure out what I need at any given time.

      • I feel you. My depression comes from my dad and though he is still living, he is dead to me. He used to try to tell me I’m bipolar. The truth is, I have depression and he is a narcissist (I am 100% sure he has NPD). Narcissists will always tell you something is wrong with you, but they are never ever wrong. They will always put you down and put themselves on a pedestal. So he made me feel like *I* was broken, and people with depression always think the worst about themselves. So then, you don’t want to seek treatment because it feels like you’re admitting they are right–you are broken.
        Except you’re not. They are the broken one, NOT you. At least you can treat depression. There’s no curing assh*les–they will always be assh*les. XOXO

  2. Yikes. I hear you. Do the PIO. It hurts, it bruises and all that but it works. And progesterone has an ameliorative effect on our immune systems so you may as well take advantage of the form that gives you the most of that. Just my 2.4 cents though- girl, you will do what you want! 😉

    I’ve decided men are mostly dickheads about their health. In the most reckless, thoughtless and moronic way imaginable. Sorry yours falls into that pack. Mine too.

    • Thanks sweets! Great point about quelling the immune system.
      Before BG, I didn’t really mind dealing with Mr. MLACS’s medical stuff. But after years of doing all the work for him and begging him to go to appointments *I* made with doctors *I* researched and hand-picked for him–and now we have a kid–I’m done catering to him. Whereas I was a cheerleader, now I’m blunt and skeptical. Uhg. Men are punks. XOXO

  3. I hear ya girl. I’m considering asking my Dr for something again because the anxiety about something happening to my kids is almost overwhelming. It controls all my decisions and it’s exhausting. I can’t have a rational thought process because every plan requires so much attention to the morbid possibilities. I hate it.

    • You could try Motherwort herbal tincture (liquid drops)! Worked for me–I take Wellbutrine for depression and it works but doesn’t help anxiety. I can’t take SSRI’s (like Zoloft) so the Motgerwort was a godsend. My therapist had me take 20 drops AM and PM, and 10 drops anytime as needed throughout the day. I weaned to just at night for the longest time, and now that I’m considering TTC I’m just taking it as needed. I really feel better when I take it, less irritable, but it’s contraindicated for pregnancy. Try it? Or definitely try something, no sense in suffering. XOXO

  4. Girl, I am all for doing whatever is going to give you the most peace of mind. So, do that! And oh, the anxiety. I obviously struggle too. The constant worry about losing the people you are closest to. It sucks. I know it can be the loneliest thing in the world, but trust that you are NOT alone. Hugs to you! xoxo

    • What I really need to do… is start doing the EFT tapping again. I “fell off the wagon” after moving and I really should get back to the practice! Just moving has made things chaos and self care has not been a priority. XOXO

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