Big ‘Ol Ball Of Bad Mom And Bitter Wife

Speaking of ways I feel like a failure as a wife and mom, here–let me list them:

  1. My daughter hits now. Not hard, but quite intentionally when she is angry/frustrated with me. Then she looks at me to see my reaction.
  2. I’ve tried saying ‘Oh no, I don’t like it when you do that’. Made her stop at first, but not anymore.
  3. She will hit/bat at other kids too and I have ZERO tolerance for this.
  4. Time-outs can be used at home. But what recourse do I have in public? I actually had to get up and leave a storytime the other day because BG kept hitting and shrieking. I was beyond mortified.
  5. Sometimes I can redirect her. But in the last couple of days I have found myself losing my temper and slapping her hand when she hits me. Then she cries. Then I feel a mixture of angry/sad/guilty.
  6. She doesn’t pull this sh*t with Mr. MLACS!
  7. I have also spanked her a couple times. I hate myself for that.
  8. Mr. MLACS has been working dawn until dusk for the last 2 weeks. Every day. Leaving me with a MOODY and DEMANDING toddler and a house that is in chaos and a life that is unsettled. With no reprieve. By 7pm I give no sh*ts what anybody in this house wants from me. He needs to get home by 5:30 before “nice mommy” clocks out and “b*tchy mommy” takes over.
  9. He was *supposed* to be home by 5pm and off on weekends. I feel screwed over because I was *perfectly fine* without him when we lived in my hometown (where everything was convenient and familiar). Supposedly this is temporary due to issues at work, but I’m side-eyeing the hell out of Mr. MLACS.
  10. I’m desperate for personal space. I have been so stressed and overstimulated and my nerves are shot–having a clingy toddler 24/7 (she even clings to me in her sleep) is maddening.
  11. Doing errands wipes me out because we are f*cking 40 minutes (by highway) from the nearest Target/Starbucks/Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods/etc. The traffic is hideous no matter what time of day. This f*cks with my anxiety.
  12. So we’ve established I’m constantly on the verge of having a meltdown. And so then when my patience has worn thin and my toddler melts down (for the 50th time that day), I melt down too. It’s pathetic.
  13. I don’t want to resent Mr. MLACS for my toddler being difficult, for my inability to deal with her like a rational adult, and for my life being in upheaval–but I do. He tries to be helpful. He comes home from long days and plays with BG and the puppy, and does the dishes or goes to the store or hangs pictures or whatever I need, without complaint. I feel guilty for being mad at him–it’s not like he’s avoiding coming home, he’s just swamped at work and it’s beating him up. And yet, I resent him. Because he’s been swamped at work for the past SIX YEARS and this move was supposed to be the end of it. I did everything in regards to dealing with our infertility. I f*cking conceived BG while he was 3,000 miles away in Canada. Dealt with being by myself through PPA/PPD and the most terrifying year of my life as a new mother. And I was fine. But he lured me down here on the promise of a different life and I was not prepared for him to abandon me–it doesn’t matter if it’s for work or a trip to Vegas. I’m burnt the f*ck out, I left my safe haven to come to a foreign place, and I need my f*cking husband by 5pm AND on weekends.

F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.

XOXO,

MLACS

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12 thoughts on “Big ‘Ol Ball Of Bad Mom And Bitter Wife

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling burnt out! But considering the move and wverythijg on your plate right now im not surprised you are having a tough time. I hear you on needing your husband.
    Sending my love and hoping your husbands work calms down asap!!!

  2. So many hugs for you. I understand what you are going through and it’s not easy. I know you’re in a new place, but have you thought about looking for a counselor? I’m sure logistics are nearly impossible but something to think about. I hope it gets better soon!

  3. Ohhhhhhhh honey honey honey. I am with you. As I’ve written about, I experienced a great deal of stress from our second move and almost lost my shit. But you have moved out of a place where you had your resources all around you and that makes a HUGE difference. 40 minutes is too long to drive to get a simple cup of coffee and some diapers! My DH’s new job also has him coming home late and going into the office on weekends. It is excruciating—I am looking at the clock, so eager for him to come home at 5, when I get the gut-churning text that he has to stay late. And I am left wondering how in the hell I am going to make dinner (impossible while watching a toddler, I’ve found, at least my toddler) in time for us to eat on time—because it’s no good when my toddler is starving, either. And then I so, so look forward to relief on the weekends….when I get the womp-womp tale from DH on Friday evening, Babe, I have to go back to the office at some point this weekend. And I just stare at him. But you have been dealing with alone time for so, so long, and you had learned to deal with it in your previous environment. But take away husband-help and familiar environment and resources, and you have a recipe for a nervous breakdown. And you were expecting something so different. I am wondering (forgive me if you’ve written about this already) if you have considered a toddler program, daycare, preschool? I realize that could be problematic with the hitting issue, but going into a program might have the effect of curing her of hitting….it sounds like she does it because she is so comfortable with you. And it sounds like you two are starting to really get on each other nerves! S and I truly get on each other’s nerves when we spend way too much time together—we both need a break! S doesn’t realize he needs time away from me, too, but I can see how recharging it is for him to be with other people aside from me, other adults and kids his age. I also wonder if there are places you can go with BG that are pure nature. Not parks with playgrounds, but nature trails, creeks, rivers, lakes, trees, rocks, sand, wind, sun. Try sitting outside with her and just touching grass, stones, dirt. I think the natural world can be an instant cure for tantrums and frayed nerves (for both mom and baby). S’s program has two hours of outdoor time, rain or shine, and it does wonders for him. I’ve gotten into the habit of—when he is melting down or just being super-dependent on me when I need a break—the habit of taking him outside and doing something as simple as saying, “Feel the wind on your face.” Or we pick grass and twigs and put them in a bowl with water and call it soup. Or hang out by running water (creeks, usually) and throw pebbles into the water. When he is getting aggressive I also sometimes go in the other directing and take him to this great big drum we have and encourage him to pound out something on the drum. Or we turn on the keyboard music and yell-sing at the top of our lungs, holding up our arms. Sometimes I put him in the bathtub and encourage him to splash as hard as he can. I don’t know if these things work for all kids, but thought I’d pass along what has worked for me (sometimes). Lately, although I hate to encourage screen time at all, I have also watched these totally lulling black-and-white documentaries about steam trains with him—just trains going down tracks, that’s it. It’s mesmerizing. Maybe any nature documentary would work. Keep us posed on how things go. I’m so sorry you’re losing it. This phase will pass, but until it does…aggghhhh…

  4. This mothering sh*t is hard. Especially when you don’t get a break from it! After everything you’ve gone through the last year, I’d be surprised if you weren’t feeling the way that you do. That is a LOT and you deserve something better now. Have you talked to your husband? Like, REALLY talked to him and told him this isn’t okay and YOU are not okay and something’s gotta give? Because from where I’m standing, it does. Something’s gotta give or you’re going to live feeling burnt out and unhappy for a long time. I really hope things improve for you soon! So much love to you!!

  5. I typed a comment that got erased so will keep this short to say my heart literally hurt reading this. I’ve had so many of these parenting fails too – good lord is this job hard! It is super hard to be a good spouse with a busy demanding job. I’m pretty sue I suck at it only slightly less than the LP. 😦

    • He finally had the weekend off so we did some fun stuff as a family–we desperately needed this! Hoping things stay calm at his work so we can continue to bond as a family now that we are *finally* living together again. XOXO

  6. Biggest hugs momma! I know these feelings too well. My hubby just started a new job with the same/similar promise(s), but we didn’t need to move. I couldn’t imagine. You are a great mommy, a great wife, and you are doing SOOO well. Being a mom and a wife is hard work. Ugh.
    HUGS

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