My Precious

I love her. I love her SO MUCH it hurts.

My sister jokes and calls BG “the precious”, inferring that I am “Gollum” (the twisted creature in Lord of the Rings) and BG is my “Precious” (the ring Gollum covets). I don’t like this analogy but…

She has a point.

I’m with BG 24/7, since the moment she was born. I am an exclusively breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, attachment parenting *fanatic* about my kid.

And BG won’t even go to anyone else anymore. She’ll sit in her chair/bouncer/etc. if I walk away for a couple minutes, but heaven forbid I should try to hand her to her father or her aunt–even if I’m standing right there, she will stick out her lower lip and *howl* as though I’ve forsaken her. It’s pitiable. And I cannot stand…Can. Not. Stand. to leave her this way–I immediately take her back and she immediately stops crying.

I thought I would have a “mother’s helper” come 1-2x per week for a couple or a few hours, so I could go to the gym or run errands (I thought I’d be doing this when she was 2 months old). I thought Mr. MLACS would be doing 50% of the childcare during the 2 weeks he is home each month. I thought when BG was 6 months old I’d happily take her to gym daycare. But that’s not how it works–my BG is not cool with me leaving so I won’t–I can’t–and that’s ok.

And it’s the most natural thing in the world for a baby to want her mama–I am her only source of food and comfort.

But I never expected any of this. I never planned to EBF–in fact I was like “whatever’s clever, but I’ll try”, but then ended up doing everything short of selling my soul to continue to EBF. I bought a Moby wrap thinking I could conveniently carry my baby while doing other things (sidenote: Moby wraps are anything but convenient) and now I realize that babywearing is important because it makes me and BG both feel calm and safe (the Maya ring sling is our favorite). I used to think cosleeping was for the weak, but now the thought of putting BG in a crib *in a different room* horrifies me–I can’t imagine not having her close to me.

Even though I know that it’s natural for a mama and baby to stick close together, I still feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m being codependent or smothering her–American society tells us to (forces us to) push our infants away and make them conform to our lifestyles. I bought into those ideas. And now I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like some uncivilized wild animal.

In other news, BG is wonderful! She is sitting up by herself (though I still put the boppy around her to cushion her when she falls backwards). She has broken her first tooth! This, of course, is rough on her (and by proxy on me). And we started solids this week! I have *all the things* to make her homemade (mostly organic) baby food. So far she really likes sweet potato but is only lukewarm about bananas. She says “mama” or “mum mum”, but only when she’s upset/frustrated (catch 22). She has her 6 month check up soon (she turned 6mo last week) and I won’t be surprised if this kid is 30 inches long already–she’s still long and skinny, like a noodle.

BG has the has the most beautiful red hair and blue eyes. She’s so pretty that people are constantly oogling her and it makes me very uncomfortable and protective–she doesn’t like the attention either. And whyyyyy do people always want to get in her face and touch her–people touch her feet–that’s insane to me because babies are people not community property. I haven’t scolded anyone for touching her feet but I do step away. F*cking weirdos.

Because yes, BG is MY PRECIOUS.

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25 thoughts on “My Precious

  1. How old is BG? SB became extremely attached around 4-6m and it was hard to have her stay even with her daddy – despite the fact that I was working full time! It’s better now, though she is struggling with the transition to kindergarten. I do agree with you that society pushes us away from our babies far too early. Enjoy the cuddles 🙂

  2. If it’s any consolation I baby wear, co sleep, EBF (finally!) and am the only person with whom baby A has ever spent time in his 3.5 months of life. He will let others hold him. But not keep holding him. He is not as attached as BG but he definitely has a preference. I have to go back to work in just over 2 months – I’m swallowing hard to suppress the anxiety and desperate sadness that knowledge evokes – and just started upping the Dom dosage to be able to pump and freeze milk. I don’t have a choice so I know we need to do this but I think there is nothing crazy or wrong with being as attached to our babies as we are. I was the same with the MT and only stopped BFing at ~21 months to start the series of catastrophic IVF cycles that are up our 2013-14. The MT went into his own bed but the LP had him in our bed while I was in our third IVF cycle (for which I had to travel alone to and stay a week in CA) and he’s been there ever since. We’ve been debating buying a king size bed to make it livable for the 4 of us but money issues have put that plan on hold. I both love and hate being laid, climbed and slept on by our two boys but if you asked me whether I think another way is better for us I would say no. Family judges and asks regularly if the MT is back in his own bed again yet. Whatever. I try not to let that crap bother me. These are my kids. I fought harder than I’ve ever fought in my life to bring them here and I will not apologize for raising and loving them as honestly and intimately and ferally as works for us. I sometimes wonder if some things would be easier if I were less like “this”. But then I would not have the same kids I have. We all walk the paths that work for us. And that’s about more than just schedules and convenience and tidy routines. My house is often messy just like my life. I’m trying my damnedest to be okay with that. I applaud you for being true to your heart and BG’s too.

    • You always know what to say tp make me feel better–and you’re always authentic, too (not just blowing smoke up my a**). Thank you for taking the time. Your kids are lucky to have a mom who is a truly good person ❤ XOXO

      • Isn’t parenting the most humbling thing you’ve ever done? It is for me. I hope my kids feel that way about me when they grow up, that I did a decent job, and don’t put too much weight on my eight million mistakes.

  3. Well she certainly is precious! I just smile through your posts as I’m only 3 months ahead in our journey and there are a lot of parallels. Co-sleeping – isnt that for those hippy moms?! Now so relate to you. I cant stand the thought of a crib in another room or maybe it’s the thought of not having his warm little body next to me… uncivilized wild animal. I’m still laughing. Moms all over the world carry their kids around and co-sleep. The phase of the spider monkey wont last long. Not much I can say about other people. Folks love babies and have no regard for where those lines are. I loved it when the wee still fit in his car seat with the complete whiteout cover. Now I just say “oh I wouldnt touch – we’re just getting over whooping cough…” Hands fly away!!!

  4. I’m from the whatever works community. I have no idea if I’ll be a co-sleeper (probably, I sleep with my dogs) or feel better having Smoochie in a crib in the other room. I don’t know if I’ll BFE or even be able to do it without tons of problems or if I’ll prefer bottles. Usually I’m super type A and have a plan mapped out for how I’m gonna be so it’s kind of odd that I am actually not gearing up for any particular style. FWIW – Baby wearing makes sense to me if it makes sense to that family. If that was the best way for baby and I to get through the day then I’d be wearing a baby!

    I think it’s cool though that you went with it – threw out your old ideas and wholeheartedly embraced the way that worked. Sometimes I get stuck on things and takes me forever to let go – so I admire people who can switch gears and go with the flow.

    • You just never know. I think planning how you’re going to parent is about as useless as planning how you’re going to TTC–or at least in my case because I’ve tossed my plans aside. I think every parent compromises at some point, giving up their comfort and ideals for a more practical and *mutually agreeable* (between you & baby) solution. XOXO

      • Awwe! I love snail mail but totally understand how that goes! Lately I have been so busy that I barely blog (maybe once or twice a month) and I am SOOO behind on reading everyone’s :/ There isn’t much to update but I’ll shoot you an email later this evening 😉

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