4 Weeks

I cannot believe it’s been 4 weeks already. Cliché, I know, but the time has flown by. I have made some great memories, but I’m still sad that *time didn’t stand still* like it does when you’re TTC–you feel me??

I’m still struggling to flesh out my birth story, forgive me, but I thought I should update in the interim.

Ahhhhhh…where to begin?

Well, I’m holding her while I type this–she is curled up on my chest and wrapped in the softest blankie ever. She likes to nurse herself to sleep and then sleep in my arms or sleep next to me (with a boob in her mouth). She DOES NOT like to be put down, anywhere, ever.

And how can I complain about my beautiful sweet baby wanting to be close to me? I can’t. But I *will say* that it’s challenging, being with her (holding and nursing her) 24/7. Every time I need to eat or go to the bathroom or feed the dog or ANYTHING I have to decide if it’s worth it, because she will scream and I will feel like a horrible mother for allowing my kid to cry for any length of time.

What’s that you ask? Why can’t Mr. MLACS hold her while I take a shower and cram a piece of pizza down my throat? Well, good question…

Mr. MLACS gas been taking excellent care of himself and our family. In fact, his EF (ejection fraction) has doubled in 3 months! He is doing great, so his cardiologist cleared him to go back to work up North (Canada).

So he left last week.

And he won’t be back for another week. We all (me, the pets, the baby) miss him something fierce. We were together 24/7 for the past 3 months while he was recuperating and I had forgotten how to live without him. Also I’m still learning how to live with our baby girl–that’s overwhelming at times. I wimpered for a week before he left. And I’ve cried everyday for the past week. My therapist/pregnancy guru (certified in postpartum depression & training future doulas) told me to go buy Motherwort–an herb historically given to anxious new mothers who cry a lot. I’ve been taking it for 2 days and I finally quit crying and feeling freaked out! This is not a placebo–this sh*t works–it’s like homeopathic klonopin. She told me to take 20 drops 3x per day, and 10 drops anytime as needed. If you’re thinking of trying it I’ll warn you it tastes like sh*t and I chase it with pepsi. 

Unbeknownst to me, stress can affect milk production. I went to the lactation consultant (who is SO lovely and motherly) for a weight check on baby girl and instead of gaining she had *lost* an ounce between 3-4 weeks. I was shocked and devastated–no wonder she had been so fussy. The lactation consultant told me to take 3 fenugreek capsules 3x per day, and add a B complex vitamin. So I did that, saw my therapist the next day and added motherwort, and worked my a** off breastfeeding & pumping for the next 48 hours. It worked! She gained 3.5oz in those 48 hours. I also bought a supplement called motherlove for milk supply, and between the supplements and stress reduction my milk supply has definitely been improving.

Breastfeeding is hard, y’all. I’ve had sore nipples–my lactation consultant fiagnosed me with Reynaud’s syndrome of the nipples (blood vessels constrict and nipples “blanche” and turn white–f*cking hurts)…story of my life (as a case study) that obscure disorders happen to me. Speaking of which, I can now add *Rosacea* to my list of what’s wrong with me. I’ve always had perfect skin! But I blush easily and postpartum I’ve developed full-on Rosacea. Luckily, the meds are working and it’s clearing up.

I feel good. My other diseases are in remission. I’m back down to my pre-pregnancy weight but I’m “mushy” and look forward to getting back to the gym when Mr. MLACS gets home. I eat like crap though. All carbs and sugar–especially chocolate. I feel bad about it but I just haven’t gotten my sh*t together enough to make and eat real meals–my baby hates to be put down even when she’s sleeping. I’m actually *jealous* when Mr. MLACS gives me his daily report on how well he’s taking care of himself–eating spinach salads and getting 10,000 steps per day–I freakin’ wish I could take better care of myself. Since I quit crying a couple days ago I’ve been eating a little better–less bingeing on chocolate (my inner-fat-kid eating my feelings).

I’m doing ok. Laundry is done (but not folded or put away). Dishes are clean (but still in the dishwasher). I get a shower at least every other day (but my hair is dirty and I hardly shave). The dog is taken care of (but not played with)…speaking of the dog…he got kennel cough (I believe canine flu) from doggie playcare and he was one sick puppy these past couple days! Our vet gave him antibiotics and doggie tylenol and he’s much better, but I was up breastfeeding the baby and taking care of my dog while he puked up mucus all over the house (carpet) at 4am.

It’s been a rough week but you know I don’t mind, because I get to live my dream–being a SAHM to our infant daughter (and the pets). I love taking care of my family. I just wish my husband was here with me (so does Mr. MLACS). 6 days to go…




23 thoughts on “4 Weeks

  1. Have you tried babywearing at all? I wish I had done it earlier but started when my daughter was 6-7 weeks old and we were going through the fussy period at night. It helped a lot and I could at least walk around the house without disrupting her.

    Sorry your husband is out of town, it’s rough being the only one caring for the baby but it sounds as if you’re doing a fantastic job! Same thing has happened with our dog, and he knows it. As soon as my husband and I are both home he’s obnoxious as he wants to play fetch.

    Hang in there. I honestly think the first two months are the hardest. It does get easier when they start to get on to a routine.

    • I have the moby wrap and it worked the first 2 times I used it but the last 3 times I can’t seem to do it correctly and even when I get close she pitches a fit and will have none of it. What I’ve discovered is she likes to face outward–she likes to be draped over my arm like how you’d carry a jacket. Unfortunately no newborn wraps acommodate facing outwards 😦 I’ll keep trying–think I’ll try a different wrap. Thank you! XOXO

  2. I have been so freakin self-absorbed in my own busy schedule that I haven’t checked in on you and I am sooo stinkin sorry girl! And so I am so thankful you posted an update. I hate that Mr. MLACS isn’t home to be with you especially after he had been there for so long. But I have no doubt that you are one tough cookie and soon you will be down with an awesome routine and schedule for you and lil miss and the pup and the kitty. I want you to know that I think of you often and I may just have to take a day trip to see you one day 🙂 xoxo

    • Hey chicky! I think of you often too–stil have Goldilocks’s “get well” picture she colored for Mr. MLACS hung up on our fridge (I’ve edited the fridge display but I keep her pic front ‘n center). We will eventually have to plan a meet-up in STL, plenty of cool kids stuff to do there, like we can take lil miss ‘locks to the city museum (it’s built for kids)?! I’ve never been there but always wanted to go. XOXO

  3. I thought I was the only weirdo with blood flow to the nipples issues! It most definitely hurts pretty fierce!

    So glad your hubs is doing so well, but the timing of returning to work sure stinks! As for a fussy baby that needs to be held a lot…well, with Eva I used a flat sheet to make my own baby carrier. I just tied here and there until it worked in a position that made her happy. I never felt like I could be 100% hands free, but it definitely took her weight off my sore arms and shoulders.

    Best wishes! I’m excited that you have your baby girl!

  4. Glad that you’re getting support – breastfeeding is hard, taking care of a newborn is hard, and even more so if you’re all on your own. Hang in there. SB wanted to be held most of the time, and now she’ll play on the floor long enough for a shower, sometimes even a meal. Plus, most of the time it’s wonderful to hold your baby 🙂

  5. I loved reading every single word in this update! I love that you and your little girl are both doing well. I’m sad your Mr. Is back at work, but it sounds like you are holding your own and getting through it. And I hope your dog starts to get better asap!

  6. Holy Crap, you are a GODDESS!!! So excited you have your baby girl, but man, you are brave to fly solo for a week. I’m in actual awe!!

    Rosacea sucks. Make sure you only put cool water on your face, and a nice gentle cream. I love Calming Creme (cucumber) from Juniperseed Mercantile on Etsy. Works a treat!

    Also, this might sound obvious, but I needed to be told… Stay really well hydrated to keep up your milk supply. Water and oatmeal are my go-to things if I feel like my supply is a little lower than normal.

    Good job mama. Sorry I haven’t been around for a bit, but I think you know how crazy things can get. Big hug xo

    • Goddess?! Nuh uh. You must have me confused with someone else. My hair is in a ratted bun (that’s lopsided and falling out), there’s milk stains on (all) my shirt(s), I have the most hideous coffee breath (sorry baby girl)…I could go on…
      As per oatmeal, I’ve been making “lactation cookies & brownies”. Which involves adding whole oats, brewers yeast, and flaxseed meal to any bakery item, and then bingeing on it, using the excuse “it’s for my milk supply”…
      Miss you! XOXO

  7. So glad you found the herbs and that they’ve been working. The MT always wanted to be carried too. We eventually found a carrier he liked and baby wearing made my life so much better. If you’ve tried and it hasn’t worked don’t give up. Try again and again. Or a different style of carrier. The MT liked a sling at first but it hurt my neck so as he got older I switched to others. I think I have four or five carriers, some given to me others I bought. If you have not tried one yet take baby girl with you to try them on. It’s so great to read your update. I am really happy you get to live your dream at long last and that Mr. MLACS will be home soon.

  8. I’m totally in awe. My husband also works on a two-week rotation in Northern Canada but I have not managed to stay a full two weeks on my own. My daughter demands a lot of attention and I find after a few days alone with her with no reprieve, I’m totally burned out. It doesn’t help that she only takes power naps. More power to you!!! You are doing a great job.

    For the carrier I used Baby K’tan carrier. It is a bit like the Moby but it doesn’t have the long pieces of fabric that you have to try to figure out. It is already “constructed”. It is very easy to use and as a baby my daughter settled nicely in a cradle position in it. It allowed me to get a few things done while still wearing her.

  9. It’s funny, in a not funny way, how utterly freaked out I was at first too. Like on the brink of PPD, super wicked stressed. I was stressed about schedules and sleeping and Bf and life. PP hormones are no damn joke. But I’m so happy you’re feeling a tad better. It’ll sort out…at least that’s what I tell myself!

    I’m supes sad the man friend is gone. Cause that makes shit way harder. I remember being completely unable to fathom even leaving the house at first so being alone would have sent me into becoming a crazy feral animal. Living off of old bags of beans I found in the house. I’m so happy he’ll be home soonish!

    And bf. Shit, that stuff be cray. At first our tiny wouldn’t latch and it’s only by the blessing of Pinterest videos that I figured out how to teach her. I couldn’t even imagine if my parts would have been less than cooperative.

    You are one amazing lady, and in always cheering from our neck of the woods! Anyways, love, what was your email?

  10. Oh ive been out of the loop! Congrats on your lovely little one! I feel you on all counts of ‘she will NOT be put down’. All the time i spent with Pep eating cereAl while standing by a tall bookshelf because i could neither set her down nor sit down! And it never seemed worth it to make her scream!

    Im glad youre remaining positive, despite understandable weepiness. I loved our snugli carrier to start, Pep lived in that thing…..though you still dont get a nap or shower :).

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