It’s weird, how the first half of the pregnancy seemed to go slower than molasses, and now the second half of the pregnancy is flying by.
I’m trying not to panic about the what-if’s and the if-then’s. I’m trying to enjoy every moment.
It’s not all sunshine and roses though. I’m in therapy and working on accepting and coping with the issues in my own family and Mr. MLACS’s family–for the sake of myself, my husband, and my daughter. Things that could be glossed over before are now things that must be dealt with. It’s a painful process.
And I miss my own mother. This deserves a post on it’s own but that’s not going to happen, so…she had a home daycare for 27 years until she died in 2009. She was amazing with children and devoted her life to caring for them. I’m so sad that she’ll never hold mine in her arms. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my selfish father is alive and my selfless mother is gone. But the silver lining is that my Mother had 3 years between her terminal diagnosis and the day breast cancer claimed her life, and in those 3 years she lovingly and joyfully created keepsake boxes for my sister and I. We each have a box full of wedding items, a box full of infant items, and a box full of children items. I’ve been keeping those items and other keepsakes at our family’s home, but now that my daughter is due to arrive and my relationship with my father is over, it’s time for me to retrieve these items and close the door–literally–to my family home for the last time. All I’ll have are the memories and mementos, but no more “home” to return to. As I’ve struggled to grow my own family, my original family, which was irreparably broken when my Mother died, has crumbled.
As I prepare to welcome my daughter, I also grieve the loss of my family.
I’m trying to find peace and forgiveness. And I’m trying to focus on the wonderful family I’ve built with my husband, our pets, and soon, our daughter. We are in such a good place in our lives! We are so grateful.
So besides cleaning up my physical and emotional baggage, what have I been up to???
We’ve been doing a lot of giving this season, because financially we can this year and because we are so grateful to be expecting a child–I give to children’s charities. I also sent out nearly 100 Christmas cards, because I just love doing it (I do it every year). However, we have not put up a tree yet–hopefully today.
Mr. MLACS came home with walking pneumonia last week and had me worried sick about him, but he finally perked up (after I marched him to the doctor–worst.patient.ever.)
And thank goodness, because Friday we had big plans for a nice dinner, tickets to the Nutcracker ballet, and a night in a nice hotel. I purchased a dress, maternity pantyhose, and new shoes (booties) just for the occasion. I meticulously styled my hair and flawlessly applied my make-up. This is a big deal, considering I live in sweats, leggings, and t-shirts sans make-up.
We arrived in the city just in time for our dinner reservation (though parking made us late). The restaurant was festooned with holiday decor and bustling with people enjoying holiday dinners and holiday parties–I love to “people watch”. So I sipped merrily on my shirley temple (virgin cocktail) and soaked up the holiday cheer!
After dinner we went straight to the Nutcracker ballet and got there early enough to look around the venue (it was gorgeous) and peruse the vendor items. Every year we attend and every year I purchase ornaments. To my delight, there were a bunch of ornaments that were unlike anything I’d seen before. In particular, there was a large selection of beautifully painted and bejeweled ballerinas–they captivated me.
I looked at Mr. MLACS and said “You already know what I’m going to ask” and he chuckled and replied “You want to get more than one”, and I smiled. I selected 2 ballerinas, a pink one and a gold one, and when we paid for them I realized they were cheaper than I expected, so…I went back and bought a white one and a red one too! For my baby girl.
As the crowd started streaming in I began to notice all the little girls in their sparkly holiday dresses and shoes–this is one of my greatest joys, but last year my heart was breaking after our losses and failed IUI’s. This year I looked around and desperately hoped (but did not assume) that I would be able to take my little girl in a few years time. It’s odd that even now at 28 weeks I’m still afraid that my happiness will be stolen from me, if not now then at some point.
The ballet was magnificent–lots of talent and beautiful costumes and props. The first scene is a Christmas party full of children, and as they danced and played tears welled up in my eyes and slowly trickled down my cheeks, and these were no ordinary tears…
They were tears of joy.
It finally “hit” me that I was living one of my dreams–to take my daughter to the Nutcracker ballet! And simultaneously I worried that something bad might happen to her. And just then, she kicked me. As if to say “Mom get over it!” And I realized that although I have so much to share with her, I have so much to learn from her too. And I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the performance.
Afterwards we checked into the nicest hotel in town, and I admired my ballerinas and reflected on our magical evening. We even had some *romantic time* for the first time in awhile. And I slept like a baby.
It now occurs to me that I have just 84 days left of life as I know it. I cannot wait to meet our daughter, but I’m nervous too. I want everything to be perfect for her–from her nursery to our families to the world we live in. That’s impossible. And sometimes I’m bewildered.
But then I think “My daughter will make the world a better place”. And then I pray to God, to thank Him for these 28 weeks with her, and to ask him for a lifetime with her. Amen.