28 Weeks: 84 Days Left: My Heart Is Full

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It’s weird, how the first half of the pregnancy seemed to go slower than molasses, and now the second half of the pregnancy is flying by.

I’m trying not to panic about the what-if’s and the if-then’s. I’m trying to enjoy every moment.

It’s not all sunshine and roses though. I’m in therapy and working on accepting and coping with the issues in my own family and Mr. MLACS’s family–for the sake of myself, my husband, and my daughter. Things that could be glossed over before are now things that must be dealt with. It’s a painful process.

And I miss my own mother. This deserves a post on it’s own but that’s not going to happen, so…she had a home daycare for 27 years until she died in 2009. She was amazing with children and devoted her life to caring for them. I’m so sad that she’ll never hold mine in her arms. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my selfish father is alive and my selfless mother is gone. But the silver lining is that my Mother had 3 years between her terminal diagnosis and the day breast cancer claimed her life, and in those 3 years she lovingly and joyfully created keepsake boxes for my sister and I. We each have a box full of wedding items, a box full of infant items, and a box full of children items. I’ve been keeping those items and other keepsakes at our family’s home, but now that my daughter is due to arrive and my relationship with my father is over, it’s time for me to retrieve these items and close the door–literally–to my family home for the last time. All I’ll have are the memories and mementos, but no more “home” to return to. As I’ve struggled to grow my own family, my original family, which was irreparably broken when my Mother died, has crumbled.

As I prepare to welcome my daughter, I also grieve the loss of my family.

I’m trying to find peace and forgiveness. And I’m trying to focus on the wonderful family I’ve built with my husband, our pets, and soon, our daughter. We are in such a good place in our lives! We are so grateful.

So besides cleaning up my physical and emotional baggage, what have I been up to???

We’ve been doing a lot of giving this season, because financially we can this year and because we are so grateful to be expecting a child–I give to children’s charities. I also sent out nearly 100 Christmas cards, because I just love doing it (I do it every year). However, we have not put up a tree yet–hopefully today.

Mr. MLACS came home with walking pneumonia last week and had me worried sick about him, but he finally perked up (after I marched him to the doctor–worst.patient.ever.)

And thank goodness, because Friday we had big plans for a nice dinner, tickets to the Nutcracker ballet, and a night in a nice hotel. I purchased a dress, maternity pantyhose, and new shoes (booties) just for the occasion. I meticulously styled my hair and flawlessly applied my make-up. This is a big deal, considering I live in sweats, leggings, and t-shirts sans make-up.

We arrived in the city just in time for our dinner reservation (though parking made us late). The restaurant was festooned with holiday decor and bustling with people enjoying holiday dinners and holiday parties–I love to “people watch”. So I sipped merrily on my shirley temple (virgin cocktail) and soaked up the holiday cheer!

After dinner we went straight to the Nutcracker ballet and got there early enough to look around the venue (it was gorgeous) and peruse the vendor items. Every year we attend and every year I purchase ornaments. To my delight, there were a bunch of ornaments that were unlike anything I’d seen before. In particular, there was a large selection of beautifully painted and bejeweled ballerinas–they captivated me.

I looked at Mr. MLACS and said “You already know what I’m going to ask” and he chuckled and replied “You want to get more than one”, and I smiled. I selected 2 ballerinas, a pink one and a gold one, and when we paid for them I realized they were cheaper than I expected, so…I went back and bought a white one and a red one too! For my baby girl.

As the crowd started streaming in I began to notice all the little girls in their sparkly holiday dresses and shoes–this is one of my greatest joys, but last year my heart was breaking after our losses and failed IUI’s. This year I looked around and desperately hoped (but did not assume) that I would be able to take my little girl in a few years time. It’s odd that even now at 28 weeks I’m still afraid that my happiness will be stolen from me, if not now then at some point.

The ballet was magnificent–lots of talent and beautiful costumes and props. The first scene is a Christmas party full of children, and as they danced and played tears welled up in my eyes and slowly trickled down my cheeks, and these were no ordinary tears…

They were tears of joy.

It finally “hit” me that I was living one of my dreams–to take my daughter to the Nutcracker ballet! And simultaneously I worried that something bad might happen to her. And just then, she kicked me. As if to say “Mom get over it!” And I realized that although I have so much to share with her, I have so much to learn from her too. And I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the performance.

Afterwards we checked into the nicest hotel in town, and I admired my ballerinas and reflected on our magical evening. We even had some *romantic time* for the first time in awhile. And I slept like a baby.

It now occurs to me that I have just 84 days left of life as I know it. I cannot wait to meet our daughter, but I’m nervous too. I want everything to be perfect for her–from her nursery to our families to the world we live in. That’s impossible. And sometimes I’m bewildered.

But then I think “My daughter will make the world a better place”. And then I pray to God, to thank Him for these 28 weeks with her, and to ask him for a lifetime with her. Amen.

XOXO,

MLACS

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23 thoughts on “28 Weeks: 84 Days Left: My Heart Is Full

  1. AWW. One day in a few years, your dream will come true and you’ll get to take your little girl to Nutcracker. And the keepsake boxes from your mother warm my heart. Glad that you’re taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. And happy that the pregnancy is going so well!

  2. I feel you on working through the family issues. :/ We went to the nutcracker last year! It’s one of my favourite performances. I would have totally bought up those ballerinas too! This year – we took my niece to the Max & Ruby Nutcracker performance. Surprisingly, it contained a lot more ballet than I expected. It was hard to be there with her as I know she won’t fill the void of our missing child. But, I wanted to make more of an effort to get to know her (she’s 2.5 now). Next year, I would LOVE to be able to attend the adult performance again and just like you – be there with our child. I’m so glad you have found joy, peace and love going into the holiday season.

    • I adore Max & Ruby! They are one of the few cartoons I enjoy watching (my Mom loved it too). It’s good that you went, even though I know it was difficult. I believe you’ll get your wish for next year 🙂
      But as for the family stuff…it’ll be good to take a break from them, and then you can evaluate how you feel and make decisions about your boundaries. It’s very hard to sift through family issues, and I feel for you. Wishing you a peaceful holiday! ❤ XOXO

  3. A few thoughts: 1. I’m so sorry you lost your mom too soon. Life is too unfair that way. 2. So glad you got to enjoy the Nutcracker this year with tears of joy. It is a special time and I’m trying my best to enjoy it and keep the fears in the background. 3. Everything will absolutely NOT be perfect for your child. You will never stop wanting things to be just right, but they never will be. You will just end up being accepting that the way things are IS just right. Finding the benefit in tough situations can be helpful. Not the silver lining, but a benefit. Which I think is different. I learn about this from my meditation group. We are working on not clinging to visions and ideas that are not happening, but enjoying the present moment. Personally, though, I think it’s okay to also enjoy the prospect of what is to come in 84 days (give or take). Hope you are sleeping well! And congrats on the *business time* with Mr. MLACS! GOOD TIMES!

    • Thank you for this–it’s hard to stay grounded and feel secure, and every gentle reminder and encouragement helps. These last couple of weeks I sleep like a log, but if I wake up early then there’s no use trying to go back to sleep–I would die without naps! I hope you’re feeling good too and it’s worth repeating how happy I am for you 🙂 XOXO

  4. Oh, MLACS. This made me cry. I have so much to say – on how becoming mothers exacerbates missing our mothers and drives home that loss and longing, on leaving unhealthy family behind, on your tenderness towards your own daughter and the realizations you made that beautiful evening – yet I think what I need most to say is… Things are going to be okay. Because in my heart and gut I know they are. Much love and peace, dear friend. It will all be worth it. And then some.

    • See, you made me cry too at “things are going to be ok”–nobody says this to me because they just take it for granted. Nobody knows how much anxiety I have (I don’t bother trying to explain) so I don’t get any reassurance. That’s so nice of you. Thank you. Much love and peace to you too! XOXO

      • I do really believe that and i hope you know how big a deal it is for me to say that given our histories and immune issues. I know what you mean about the assumptions. They are very isolating in their innocence or ignorance without meaning to be.

    • Mel! I keep checking your blog for updates! I think of you often and wonder how you’re doing. I know you of all people understand having to let go of people who are supposed to love you, but hurt you instead. We both want better for ourselves and our families & you are such a good person & wife & mother. *hugs* XOXO

  5. The sadder moments for me are when I take in the enormity of the fact that my mother won’t know our child. (She’s alive but lost to dementia) It’s a horribly poignant pain, isn’t it? I’m sorry you’re going through it. It sounds, though, like it’s propelling you to be even more present for your daughter. I’m smiling at the thought of you taking her to the Nutcracker. As an aside, can’t believe how far along you are!

    • Elizabeth–I thought I replied already, sorry for the delay! My heart goes out to you and your family–it’s heartbreaking to lose a Mother, especially when she is here in the flesh but gone as the person you know. I’m sure you feel the same pressure that I feel, to make sure your child knows how special their Grandmother is. Happy Holidays. *hugs* XOXO

  6. Oh snap! I love reading updates from you! I know it takes me a long time to comment but I do read them 🙂 My aunt and her daughters and daughter in laws all went to watch them on Sunday. I was kinda jealous but at the same time I really just wanted to go home after church and snuggle on the couch. I’m glad everything is going smooth for you and I can’t wait to read a post in a couple of years about you taking your princess to see them.

    Love ya girl!

  7. I am sorry to read about your relationship with your father and that you are going through this journey without your mother here with you. I am sure she is with you in spirit and by your side. I loved hearing how you took your baby girl to see the nutcracker. I might have cried when I read it!

  8. I don’t know how I missed this post, but I came by to check on you and I’m glad I did. I’m so happy you had that experience with your daughter.. Such a wonderful night! Your mom is with you, you know? I believe that. She’s with you and in that little girl of yours too. Sending so much love this holiday season. Hugs.

  9. This sounds lovely, magical. Love to picture you there. I bet the ballerinas are beautiful.

    I tried to work through family stuff in therapy while pregnant, too—it was harder than ever because it was so real and so urgent. I’m not sure I was very successful ( I got too exhausted to drive to the appointments after a while). But anyway it’s so wise to try to attend to the wounds before birth, good for you. xoxo

    • So good to hear from you! And a surprise too, since I know you have your arms full with your baby boy–thank you for thinking of me. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who went looking for peace, acceptance, and resolution with family during pregnancy–I wasn’t prepared to deal with it so thank God for my therapist! I’m always checking in on you ❤ XOXO

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