Happy Holidays everyone!
I’d like to acknowledge that the holidays are bittersweet for RPL/IF ladies, and probably the hardest time of year to be childless or undergoing treatment–if you recall I had IUI #1 the day before Thanksgiving, then had to sneak in monitoring while cooking Thanksgiving dinner. IUI #2 took place on Christmas Eve and I had to cook Christmas dinner and sneak off for monitoring *while my MIL was visiting and I was trying to hide it from her*. Between the stress and the hormones, I felt like I was losing my mind. Last year the holidays sucked big giant donkey balls.
Obviously, this year the holidays are far less stressful, because I’m 26 weeks gestation and I’m not undergoing infertility treatment–the expense, the lying about it, the hormones making me crazy, the emotional roller coaster of it all–and I’m hopefully awaiting a baby instead of a BFP. I’m also not cooking any holiday dinners.
This year, I can breathe. I’m not afraid of the Christmas cards rolling in with pictures of everyone’s children. Not afraid of the holiday pregnancy announcements (which there have already been a few). Not dreading going to visit family and friends and having them ask “So how’s the baby making going?!” in front of a room full of people (my-so-called-friend “Myrtle” did this to me last year). Not crying at all the commercials depicting perfect families making happy memories…
And I’m beyond grateful to be where I am now.
BUT, I haven’t forgotten what it’s like for those of you who are still struggling–that includes my ladies who are going through the grueling process of adoption. I wish I could comfort each and every one of you. I wish I could fast-forward into the future and show you that you will find happiness after infertility and loss, whether you have children or remain child free–this maze of infertility is finite. Not that you can’t find happiness while going through infertility and loss, but it’s a burden and you will feel lighter when you reach a resolution.
So how am I? Hold on a sec…
*runs to the bathroom & vomits*
I’m good. Dr. Angel’s office failed to refill my Zofran (anti-nausea med) yesterday so I haven’t bothered eating breakfast, knowing it wasn’t going to stay down. But as long as I have my Zofran I manage pretty well. I’m not sure why I’m still having nausea & vomiting, but I attribute it to a couple things:
1. Heparin (my injectable blood-thinner). I recently read it causes nausea and I believe my nausea has worsened since my dose increased.
2. Mucus. Whenever I have sinus drainage I have more intense nausea & vomiting. And lately I have more drainage.
I also still have acute constipation. I won’t elaborate, except to say that I think it’s preparing me for labor.
Also, my breasts are changing and I have what I like to call “nipple cheese”. I don’t quite know what to think about it.
I’m SO hairy! It really bothers me. My body hair has gotten more coarse and harder to shave–especially my prolific “happy trail”, which is more like a “trail of tears”. I’m horrified when I think of my baby being laid on my stubbly stomach post-delivery. Facial hair also mortifies me. I tried plucking earlier in the pregnancy and it was (painful) a nice reprieve from constant shaving but this caused lots of red bumps & ingrown hairs as the hair tried to grow back. Waxing, electrolysis, and laser therapy are not options at this time. I’m screwed. Thanks, PCOS. God, I hope baby girl doesn’t inherit this from me.
But enough of the awkward stuff, onto the good stuff…
I can feel baby girl kicking pretty often now! It gives me peace of mind. Mr. MLACS comes home this Thursday & I can’t wait for him to feel her kick ❤
People like to touch my belly now–so far no strangers. Sometimes it catches me off-guard but I don’t mind as long as it’s my female friends.
A friend is throwing me a baby shower at the end of January! She has A LOT of stuff planned & several other friends are helping her–I’m excited. I love parties & I always plan my own (partially due to circumstances) so this is the first time a friend has thrown me a party & she is really going all-out!
I’m avoiding getting a pile of junk from my MIL by demanding that she only buy stuff for the baby–stuff we need. Hopefully she will comply.
I bought a dress to go see the Nutcracker ballet in the city next week–it’s an annual tradition for me (and now for Mr. MLACS, by default). We have no parties to go to (Mr. MLACS’s swanky work party is in Canada so we won’t be attending) and thus the ballet is my one opportunity to dress up for a holiday event. On most days I wear sweats or yoga pants–jeans are *formal* for me. Also, we have no plans for a “babymoon”, so this trip to the city for dinner & ballet & a night in a hotel is pretty much the last hurrah before the baby comes. And this suits me fine because I don’t want to travel before the baby comes because…
I’m overwhelmed by all the stuff we still have to do to prepare for birth and parenthood. Classes to take, things to buy, etc. Plus, I still haven’t put the house together post-move.
I find I am anxious about leaving the house and I tend to want to stay home when Mr. MLACS is off working. I actually have to force myself to call people and do things, even though I’m lonely. I can only attribute my anxiety and being anti-social to pregnancy. I hope I feel better when the baby comes. Don’t worry, I’m still seeing my counselor and she’s trained in dealing with postpartum depression, so if that’s what my recent behavior points to then I’m in good hands.
I’ve been making gluten-free holiday treats and I’ll write a post on my gluten-free baking adventures soon! The good, the bad, and the ugly.