Truth? When I started this blog last year I didn’t think I *really* belonged here.
I had one traumatic miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, and a cornucopia of scary (mostly autoimmune) medical crisis’. I didn’t exactly fit in with RPL (repeat pregnancy loss), because a year ago RPL was classified as *three* or more consecutive miscarriages–I had only had two (both documented with betas).
And a year ago, I had been pregnant once by dumb luck and the second time only 4 cycles post-miscarriage, so I definitely didn’t consider myself IF (infertile).
It occurred to me, after reading some seriously sad and difficult RPL/IF stories, that things *could definitely* get worse for me–but I still figured I would be pregnant after a couple rounds of Clomid and timed intercourse. Maybe with twins! Ha.
But oh, what a difference a year makes…
As it turns out, I came to the right place.
As it turns out, Clomid didn’t do sh*t for me.
As it turns out, neither did Letrozole, Bravelle, or Gonal-F.
As it turns out, I spent 10 months on this blog, navigating treatments and living my life in a series of two week waits.
As it turns out, I couldn’t have done it by myself–I needed you guys.
As it turns out, I think that you needed me, too.
We needed each other.
As it turns out, A LOT of my fellow bloggers have moved on to pregnancy and parenthood–but everybody has done so in their own way.
As it turns out, some of my favorites are still struggling and working to build their families. ❤
I’ve learned SO MUCH.
About pain and loss.
About hope and perseverance.
On this *anonymous* blog I’ve had the freedom to be myself and to share my journey with you–my kindred spirits.
I don’t think you get how much this means to me, so I’ll try to explain.
I like authentic relationships–I like transparency. I despise bullsh*t–which is what most people feed to your face, like on facebook.
You guys have been REAL with me, and I have been my true self with you, and that is priceless to me. You know I try to be funny (I think I’m funny–you guys play along, so thanks for that). You know I get really indignant (like at doctors and blog trolls, and sometimes at my husband) and I’m prone to rants and b*tch fits. You know that I relish my nickname, MLACS (I do, it tickles me). You know that I’m a lover and a fighter–I have become really attached to some of you and I have really pissed off a few of you (sorry, not sorry). And after I became attached to a few of you, I stopped tagging my blog–the only way other people find me is through you guys. Because I don’t need or want 1,000 followers. I didn’t start this blog to become a leader in the IF/RPL community and I don’t care if anyone gives a sh*t about what I think or say–except for you guys.
The ones I love.
The ones I cheer for.
The ones I cry with.
The ones I am *always* offering unsolicited advice to, like an overbearing mother.
Yes, I’m talking to YOU.
Your stories are the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I see at night.
Even when I don’t comment, you are in my thoughts. I don’t say it enough, but you’re VERY important to me.
And the *one* thing that sucks about being pregnant is that I don’t want to hurt any of you. And so in the grand tradition of other PAIL bloggers, I guess I’ll have to leave you one of these days.
I have no idea where to go. And I’m not ready to “pack it in” yet. NOTHING can compare to or replace my IF/RPL sisters (trust me, I’ve looked around and it’s just one big cyber disappointment).
But just know that I feel a void in my life already, and I haven’t even left yet.
Hopefully this all makes sense. But for my blogiversary I didn’t want to re-cap events. Suffice to say, it was a rough mf*ing year. But You made it bearable. And I wanted to tell you ladies how much you mean to me, and that (eventually) I don’t know what I’ll do without you and it makes me sad. Thank you for being there for me and for letting me be a (sometimes obnoxious) part of your journey.