1 Year Blogiversary

v39*Please read this, it’s NOT about pregnancy*

Truth? When I started this blog last year I didn’t think I *really* belonged here.
I had one traumatic miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, and a cornucopia of scary (mostly autoimmune) medical crisis’. I didn’t exactly fit in with RPL (repeat pregnancy loss), because a year ago RPL was classified as *three* or more consecutive miscarriages–I had only had two (both documented with betas).
And a year ago, I had been pregnant once by dumb luck and the second time only 4 cycles post-miscarriage, so I definitely didn’t consider myself IF (infertile).
It occurred to me, after reading some seriously sad and difficult RPL/IF stories, that things *could definitely* get worse for me–but I still figured I would be pregnant after a couple rounds of Clomid and timed intercourse. Maybe with twins! Ha.

But oh, what a difference a year makes…

As it turns out, I came to the right place.

As it turns out, Clomid didn’t do sh*t for me.

As it turns out, neither did Letrozole, Bravelle, or Gonal-F.

As it turns out, I spent 10 months on this blog, navigating treatments and living my life in a series of two week waits.

As it turns out, I couldn’t have done it by myself–I needed you guys.

As it turns out, I think that you needed me, too.

We needed each other.

As it turns out, A LOT of my fellow bloggers have moved on to pregnancy and parenthood–but everybody has done so in their own way.

As it turns out, some of my favorites are still struggling and working to build their families. ❀

I’ve learned SO MUCH.
About pain and loss.
About hope and perseverance.
About fragility.
About strength.
About acceptance.
About denial.
About fear.
About courage.

On this *anonymous* blog I’ve had the freedom to be myself and to share my journey with you–my kindred spirits.

I don’t think you get how much this means to me, so I’ll try to explain.

I like authentic relationships–I like transparency. I despise bullsh*t–which is what most people feed to your face, like on facebook.

You guys have been REAL with me, and I have been my true self with you, and that is priceless to me. You know I try to be funny (I think I’m funny–you guys play along, so thanks for that). You know I get really indignant (like at doctors and blog trolls, and sometimes at my husband) and I’m prone to rants and b*tch fits. You know that I relish my nickname, MLACS (I do, it tickles me). You know that I’m a lover and a fighter–I have become really attached to some of you and I have really pissed off a few of you (sorry, not sorry). And after I became attached to a few of you, I stopped tagging my blog–the only way other people find me is through you guys. Because I don’t need or want 1,000 followers. I didn’t start this blog to become a leader in the IF/RPL community and I don’t care if anyone gives a sh*t about what I think or say–except for you guys.

The ones I love.
The ones I cheer for.
The ones I cry with.
The ones I am *always* offering unsolicited advice to, like an overbearing mother.
Yes, I’m talking to YOU.
Your stories are the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I see at night.
Even when I don’t comment, you are in my thoughts. I don’t say it enough, but you’re VERY important to me.

And the *one* thing that sucks about being pregnant is that I don’t want to hurt any of you. And so in the grand tradition of other PAIL bloggers, I guess I’ll have to leave you one of these days.

I have no idea where to go. And I’m not ready to “pack it in” yet. NOTHING can compare to or replace my IF/RPL sisters (trust me, I’ve looked around and it’s just one big cyber disappointment).

But just know that I feel a void in my life already, and I haven’t even left yet.

Hopefully this all makes sense. But for my blogiversary I didn’t want to re-cap events. Suffice to say, it was a rough mf*ing year. But You made it bearable. And I wanted to tell you ladies how much you mean to me, and that (eventually) I don’t know what I’ll do without you and it makes me sad. Thank you for being there for me and for letting me be a (sometimes obnoxious) part of your journey.



47 thoughts on “1 Year Blogiversary

  1. Amen. So well said. So glad to have found you. And so happy for you that you’re exactly where you are in your journey! Love love love reading your blog. πŸ™‚ Happy Blogiversary!

  2. What a great post.. It brought a few tears to my eyes. It’s so great to see a recap of blogger’s year and what got you through the IF shithole. I almost felt like you were writing to moi; which was special ☺️ I understand completely about moving on eventually.. People come and people go. But who you meet in the meantime is what matters most; and I feel we all have met each other on here for a reason.. We all needed each other to cope and to persevere thru IF; and THAT is what matters most πŸ’—

  3. And thank you for being there for me! I personally don’t think you should worry about upsetting those of us still in the “trenches” because the ultimate goal is to get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and bring home a baby! I love your pregnancy blogging because you give me hope and need hope more then anything else!

    • That’s kind and generous of you to encourage me, and I’m so glad that I haven’t negatively affected you. I was very fragile prior to this last IUI and I vowed there were SO many things I wouldn’t say or do if it was ever “my turn”. And I know some people are bothered–I don’t hear from them anymore. But I guess all I can do is try my best to be sensitive–certainly I can relate to how they are feeling. You’re great and I’m rooting for you! XOXO

  4. I think the thought of you no longer blogging puts me in a depressed mood and wanting to eat a bag of Doritos! I love your blog…I love you…I love your humor…I love your comments…I just love you! Xo

  5. We love you, too, MLACS. Even those of us who resent not being pregnant and throw the occasional pity party after being left behind… again. And, just so you know, you can’t break up with me that easily. When you’re ready to move on, we will keep in touch (here I’m not speaking for everyone, just you and me, baby). Damn, I probably shouldn’t have put the word “baby” in there, right? Gosh I can be thick. On that note, over and out. G’night, pal.

  6. Happy blogiversary hon! I loved everything about this post and yes, I need you too! Thank you for always being there! It really has been quite a crazy year huh?

  7. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. But, leave?! Um, why is that an option? I love reading your blogs. I am thrilled that you are going to have a happy, healthy baby! ❀ Yes, we sometimes feel bitter or sad because we're not pregnant around here, but I truly want to know how you are, what you're going through, and how you're feeling! Sisters for life, MLACS. Sisters for Life. ❀

    • Awe thanks lady–I’m not going anywhere yet because:
      1. I have no where to go.
      2. It ain’t over yet–I’m only 15 weeks so that’s approximately 25 weeks shy of “the goal”. How could I dare to assume everything will work out unless/until it *actually does*??
      3. I still want to see you and my other ladies through “the storm”.
      I’ve been following you for this past year (even when you took a break–I waited). You are definitely one of my touchstones. Thank you. XOXO

  8. Happy Blogiversary! I love what you said here, as I can relate to each and every comment about how people have been there for you. I appreciate you being there for me. I can relate to quitting blogging too…I think that’s why I took a break – I just didn’t feel like I could relate anymore. I felt like I was hurting someone every time I posted a pregnancy post or bump picture. I didn’t feel right about it. HOWEVER, the support that came through when I said I was ready to quit was quite humbling. There’s still a lot of support out there, even when you cross over to the other side. I hope you don’t quit blogging – I so enjoy and look forward to your posts!! And I want to see you finish this journey out…with your rainbow at the end, and then I want to hear about your baby as it grows. I’m not going anywhere!!! Love ya!!! XO

    • Oh Mel, I’ve probably *known* you longer than anybody–I actually started out on the TWW boards. I had a TTC buddy group called “Blow On The Dice” and my board name was “LuckyLasVegas”. I think I found you through Madison Jade, because I was in a TTC on Clomid buddy group with her. Small world, huh? I made some great friends on there but decided to leave when I started this blog a year ago–too much drama on there. Anyways, I bet you didn’t know all that! We’ll stay friends. XOXO

      • Wow! I did not know that! It is definitely a small world, indeed. I’m still involved in a couple of buddy groups on the TWW but everyone has either gotten pregnant or had a baby recently, so participation is dwindling. I still stick around though! Oh…and I did post a quick update last week on my blog. I can’t abandon it altogether! I’ll probably update once a month or so. Looking forward to hearing about the results from your testing and finding out gender!! So excited for you!!! πŸ˜€

    • You know you & me probably have more in-common than anybody I’ve met. We have “gut issues” that stem from inflammation (from gluten, and possibly other things too) and our immune systems have messed with our fertility. I know how hard it is to be gluten-free & focused on fitness! I really want to see you healed–feeling your best–and sporting a belly. I will be here to see that day. XOXO

  9. Happy blogiversary! With that being said… Waaah! Don’t go!! It feels like the end of an era lol. And I’ll speak for myself (but probably everyone else too) when I say I’m SOOOO happy and excited for you, even if that means you must leave us 😦 Stay happy and healthy!

    • ACP, you were the FIRST blogger I ever followed. I’ve looked up to you from the first time I read your words, and you’re one of the rare (VERY rare–like endangered species *rare*) people that NEVER disappoints me. I know I’m flawed, but I’m a loyal to you. Thanks for…well, *everything*, because there’s not enough room in this comment to list it all. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

      • I still remember your first comment to my blog.. I remember thinking, ‘This is why I blog’ and I was so grateful. Little did I know that it would actually turn into a friendship. πŸ™‚ You are certainly loyal and I love that! Thank you for your kind words and I’m sending you so much love. Hugs.

  10. Very glad you’re staying put for now. I saw the anniversary post and got nervous you were going into retirement. At the *very* least, please around and document your pregnancy and birth for us. πŸ™‚

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