Disclosure

I’m going to *disclose* to you, that I am going through…something…right now. And, I don’t feel like posting the good, the bad, or the ugly. Infertility and chronic illness are wreaking havoc on myself and my relationships, and…

I’M TIRED.

In an effort to wake up my soul, I went to see one of my current favorite artist collectives, Disclosure. I used to love to go to shows and dance all night. For a brief time remembered *how I felt* before chronic illness, marriage, and infertility (all of which have changed me and been the biggest challenges of my life).

I MISS MY FREEDOM.

From sickness, from pills, from doctors, from arguing with my husband, from mourning babies I lost and from infertility.

I DON’T CARE.

I have grown apathetic to the world around me, and really only interested in what’s going on *inside* me.

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Disclosure

  1. I hear you. ❤ If you need/want to talk, I'm always here. I, too, know how chronic illness can play into all of this. 😦 Hugs!

  2. Oh, my friend… What to say? I wish I could just give you a big hug and a cup of something you like because words aren’t the right thing. But here words are all I’ve got. You’ve been on my mind often lately and while it’s great to “hear” from you, my heart is so heavy in sensing all you are missing. I am going to keep you close in my thoughts while you weather whatever that *something* is, if it’s alright with you. ((Hugs))

  3. Been thinking about you lots hon. Wish I could be there and go dancing with you. I used to love going dancing all night long too. Sending you the biggest virtual hug!

  4. Oh girl, it sounds like your tank is EMPTY. I’m so sorry. You need to reclaim some portion of yourself/ your life that is not touched by IF. A trip? A night out drinking and dancing? I don’t know what your style is for letting loose, but maybe just indulge in some of the things you loved back before you were ready for motherhood? Sometimes a late Saturday night out with friends followed by nursing a hangover with a greasy egg-and-cheese sandwich – a la college days – is enough to shake me into a better state of mind. I hope you get through this bad patch and back to a happier mental space soon.

  5. Ugh. I can “hear” the struggle in your words. I say wallow, sleep, indulge, and allow yourself to cave to the weight of it all for the time that you need to. This is all so unfair and there is no good spin on it. Thinking about you.

  6. Wish we could just sit down with a bottle of wine(or champagne or beer) something wet and comforting and pass some time together. Been in those dark spaces and it’s always nice to have a friend distraction for a bit…

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