Infertility Unraveling (Part 2)

So Part 1 was all about my “WTF” appointment with Dr. Diet.  And then this is supposed to be all about what happened after that appointment.

But honestly, I don’t even have the stomach to write all the gory details. Suffice it to say…Mr. MLACS and I had a fight.

A “War of the Roses” style fight.

Kathleen turner gif

Lawyer gif

All this might have been avoided if he hadn’t been bottling his feelings about our failed IUI #5 and the fear of “what next”. I certainly asked him what he thought and how he felt, but he had dismissed me. And then…BOOM! He unleashed a torrent of *verbal* brutality on the way home from our “WTF” appointment.

And I tried to reason with him. I tried to yell over him. But when I just couldn’t take it anymore, I picked up his 40 oz gas station fountain soda (which I despise that he drinks this sh*t) and I dumped it on him. And he threw it back on me. And collectively we sprayed it all over the interior of his beloved Ford F250 Super Duty truck.

It’s still sticky.

I went out with a friend. We slept in separate beds. We exchanged angry accusatory texts. We made half-assed apologies that started with “I’m sorry…” but ended with “But if you hadn’t…”. And it when on…and on…and ON…until I finally refused to leave his side until we had forgiven each other and agreed to move forward.

I’m leaving out a lot. Tears. We both cried so many tears. For ourselves. For each other. For the babies we don’t have.

And then we went to church on Sunday, and wouldn’t you know–the message was all about relationships! Specifically, how to deal with CONFLICT in a marriage! It was two women, one of whom is a marriage counselor. Coincidence? I think not. And afterwards we finally had a conversation about how we feel and what we want as we go forward in our pursuit of a family. It was such a relief, because I needed to talk to Mr. MLACS, but I was afraid he would blow up again. And he hasn’t–things have been tense but he has not shut me down or shut me out.

I don’t know where we’re going to go from here. My ovaries are full of cysts and my greatest hope is that I will ovulate late this cycle, and that Mr. MLACS will be home by the time I ovulate and we can try naturally without medical intervention, at least for a month or two. But I dunno if this will be the case.

I am looking at IVF clinics to see where we might want to go. For you ladies that have done IVF, when is the right time to contact these people for a consult? Do you wait until you know you’re ready to do IVF? Or is it better to begin this process even if you’re not 100% ready to commit to it?

BTW, I saw Dr. Angel today–was in his office to pay a bill and he happened to be on his way to the hospital to check on his OB patients. He stopped to talk to me and I told him that our IUI with Dr. Diet failed and that Mr. MLACS hates Dr. Diet, and that we miss him (Dr. Angel). Bless his heart, Dr. Angel said he’ll do anything to help. We can do IUI’s with him if we want to. He would put me on Metformin if I wanted to try it–he has seen studies where it helps women even if they are not anovulatory or diabetic. He volunteered to do all my monitoring for whatever clinic we might choose to do IVF with. He could perform a Hysteroscopy or Laproscopy (though he doesn’t think he’ll find anything). And he said “I still believe that your chances of getting pregnant are close to 100%”. I freakin’ love that man. I miss him. I just need somebody to be nice to me and make me feel like everything is going to be ok.

XOXO,

MLACS

 

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44 thoughts on “Infertility Unraveling (Part 2)

  1. I am sorry you guys had a big fight. Fighting sucks, IF sucks, TTC sucks. =( It is so incredibly stressful & can totally F with even the strongest of relationships!! Glad you guys worked it out!

    • Yeah, it does F* with relationships–and nobody really talks about it! I feel like there’s a huge chunk of the story missing when infertility bloggers dismiss or downplay the effect infertility has on our relationships with our partners. XO

      • I couldn’t say it better! I definitely don’t talk about that much on the blog. Maybe because the hubs and I don’t really talk about it much either. He is over it. O-V-E-R it. I tell him pertinent information, but other then that we just move on with life right now. I just talk to my girlfriends & on here for my venting.

  2. I’m so sorry. 😦 I’m glad the fight is over. I’m glad that Dr. Angel stopped to talk to you. Wishing you all the best! ❤

  3. Wow. I’m not sure where to start. First, I’m sorry about that horrible, protracted fight with Mr. MLACS. I couldn’t survive that kind of conflict anymore but the last huge blowup we had was during our first IVF – this infertility sh*t just notches up the tension, drugs mess with our emotions as well as our ovaries, and bad stuff happens. That led to an enlightened discussion and I am so, so, so hopeful that maybe the coincidence at Church will keep helping Mr. MLACS see how important communication is for your relationship.

    Dr. Angel is aptly named (you were so on when you gave him that moniker!). As for “when”, I scheduled before I was ready and was glad I did. You might want to do more than one consult, too, as you are an expert on your health and what you want from a doctor and you may want to feel out a few to find the right fit for you and/or you and Mr. MLACS.

    Sending so much love, hope and hugs your way, you might get a headache (I hope not).

    • Hey girl! I’m so glad to hear from you–thank you. I’m with you in that I expect a lot out of my doctors and I don’t think I would be at peace unless I spoke with more than one doctor/clinic in regards to IVF. And thanks for the encouragement–I will busy myself with researching clinics (though I will need to be sure Mr. MLACS is ready for the consults before I can move forward on that). Big smooches. XO

  4. Huge fights are so tough. It takes so much and so long to get back to normal. 😦 The message at church was so timely though. I am so glad you had a chance to talk. As for IVF, I started when I knew that I was going to pursue IVF. But it really took a while to get to that point. I attended a few IVF seminars and talked to various doctors. And I did a couple of in-person consultations. It took me a total of six months of that before I decided on an RE/clinic and taking the plunge. Before that, it took me a year to decide on attending IVF seminar. Don’t know if that helps you. It’s good to explore options and you may find that you may not need them.

    • Thanks lady, this is definitely helpful–I forgot I’d been invited to IVF seminars in the past (but not attended) and that is a very useful (and non-committal) way to get more information. I’m definitely ready for that. XOXO

  5. You know, when you sent me that email… I was thinking “I bet he was so pissed off about his truck”. I would have done the same damn thing! Honestly, I miss Dr. Angel too. I really miss hearing about how sweet he was and put your mind at ease. It’s nice that he understands you and agrees that Met would make a difference (I’m on it just to balance hormones. It’s worked wonders and I don’t have diabetes).

    • I would expect that you would understand the level of affection Mr. MLACS has for his truck (btw, the truck is female and he always apologizes to *her* when he misses a gear or other such insult).
      There is just no replacing Dr. Angel (I knew that, but Dr. Diet really drove home the point). I’m not sure about the Met, but I’m going to do some research and see if I can find something that motivates me one way or the other. Truth is, I don’t want to make any more decisions because every time we fail I blame myself. So, I may just sit on my hands for a minute. XOXO

      • I totally get that too. The making decisions part. Yes, I totally understand the truck thing, my husband would have FLIPPED. 🙂 Sending lots of love your way. I wish this just wasn’t so hard.

  6. Aw, don’t let the fighting get you down too much! This is so hard on a relationship. My husband and I ended up seeing a therapist together after the strain of it all led to these knock-down-drag-out marathon arguments. And now we’re okay–it was the IF, not us.

    • Mr. MLACS is very opposed to counseling (and I am very convinced this is because he has some issues from childhood that he would like to keep hidden). And it’s not something you can “force” your partner into (I wish). But he is trying, so that will suffice (for now). XOXO

  7. I’m glad you guys are working it out!! The whole damn process is stressful and filled to the brim with emotions. Forget it when they boil over… I think you should follow your little small voice – you know the one that’s easier to shut out on occasion. It’s never too soon or too late to explore your options for IVF. Be sure to look at the success rates for your age group and with your known issues – http://www.sart.org/

    If you were going for another round of IUI you’d have to go back to Dr. Angel… he’s just too damn nice. (Random question – has dr.A let you know his thoughts on you and IVF?!) One of the major benefits I see for you both with moving on to IVF is you’ll gain more insight into whats working and what is not just by going through the process. Yes your entire reproductive system is just suppose to work but it’s so frustrating when you can not pinpoint where to “fix” – as if it really is that simple.

    As a friend I say look at moving on to IVF and know that this may also help you track down where that nagging feeling is coming from that something is not right. This seemed to show up in your posts a little after the thyroid thing was first treated. Maybe Mr. MLACS will stay away from gallon fountain drinks from now on 🙂

    • Here’s one of my ‘snafu’s’…Mr. MLACS has ‘sticker shock’ from IVF. It will be hard enough to part with the money for a single cycle, so the thought of doing a cycle to “see what the problem is” really frightens me, because…what next? So I feel like I really can’t even start this process until Mr. MLACS and I both accept that IVF is our best option, and then also that IVF might fail, and then we need to agree on how many cycles we’re willing to do. I can’t even have this conversation with him right now, as he has asked that we not discuss infertility for the month of June. I can discuss it to my hearts content on this blog, but I have to respect the fact that Mr. MLACS is asking for a break.
      It’s frustrating, because all I have done for the past year is *try* to have a baby. I don’t even know what to do with myself in the interim. I guess…research clinics…
      XOXO

      • I completely respect where you guys are at!!!! Got to be a united front before you pick a direction to go in. June is a good month to take off from infertility. Any chance you might as well?! Hit the gym, relax, read some trashy romance novels…I’d drag you out for something fun if we lived closer! Or hell at least a hike or two.

      • I totally envy your hikes–we live in the Midwest (East of Colorado, but West of the Mississippi River) and you can hike but it’s not awesome like it is in the mountains. We do have some cool trails though, and I like to ride my bike on them.
        I am working on losing some poundage–will ‘step it up’ since I’m not doing treatment. It’s supposed to storm all week but otherwise you’d find me by the pool with my book! Currently reading ‘Gone Girl’ for my next book club meeting. It’s mental. XOXO

  8. What a LOT to deal with all at the same time. I’ve been following along for a bit now and have so much respect for how careful you are with making decisions about when and how to move forward. I’m also on the verge of IVF and can’t quite decide if I’m ready to dive right in or need a bit more time to make sure it is absolutely what I want/need.

    Good luck to you as you find a way to move forward!

  9. One time, before me and the Hubs were married, He was driving my car and I was eating a Lunchable (I know, highly nutritious but this was in college so it was cheap and before PCOS had invaded my skinny body). We got into a fight and I threw my luncheable and drink at him. The bologna stuck to the window and even after the fight, neither of us was willing to clean it off. That circle of bologna rode around on the window of my car for weeks until it finally dried up and fell off.

    As far as IVF goes, I went for a consult and some tests in October of 2011 but wasn’t ready to start yet so they told me that when I was ready, to just go ahead and call on CD 1. It took me a little while to decide on IVF because I knew how low of a blow it was to get a negative pregnancy test and I heard from other friends how much of a low blow it was when a negative came from an IVF cycle. I wasn’t sure I was emotionally ready for that kind of negative. I learned that it does sting more :/

    • Seriously, the fact that you had a similar fight makes me feel less ridiculous (even though you were only like 20 yrs old then, and I am 34 yrs old now).
      I am really afraid that IVF wouldn’t work, for whatever reason. But really the deciding factor will be if DH’s work schedule can coordinate with my ovulation to allow us to try naturally. Or not. XOXO

      • give me some credit…i was a mature 23 year old. bahahahahahaha! And incredibly pissed that I had wasted a perfectly good lunchable on him.

  10. I’m sorry things have been crappy between you and Mr. MLACS. Don’t feel bad about the soda chucking though… I’ve hurled all kinds of stuff against walls when fighting with my husband and done various other immature things which you wouldn’t exactly associate with someone in their mid-thirties! The thing is bloody IF is a ridiculous pressure cooker and it’s the marriage that keeps simmering within it. Every now and then steam needs to be let off.
    I’m so glad you ran into Dr. Angel. He sounds amazing! Hugs

  11. Oh hon, I am so sorry you and the Mr. had such a bad fight! This journey is so hard on relationships. I know the hubby and I kept saying if we could get through this time in our lives, we could get through anything together. I feel so biased because I feel like you are the one that has been doing everything and the Mr. has no right to be this mad, but it’s easy to forget that they are going through all of this too, even if they aren’t the ones being poke and prodded all the time. The fact that your church service was focused on relationships though is amazing! What a sign from God to not give up on each other!

    Yay for Dr. Angel! I know he’s not an RE, but I’m happy you have a Dr. in your corner. Sending you strength to get you through this transition time and praying your body cooperates and you ovulate later so you can time things for when the Mr is home again!

    • Hey thanks luv. Mr. MLACS can be the biggest jerk when he is upset and he knows it, so it is something he is *working* on. I mean, I don’t go around throwing sodas on people for no reason–he hurt me and his timing couldn’t have been worse. But, we do love each other tremendously, so we just have to keep trying. Our marriage is not the most “graceful” thing, but it is very authentic.
      I wish Dr. Angel could be the one to solve all our problems–I mean, maybe he will, depending on how things unfold. I desperately want to be one of his OB patients.
      Thanks for your unwavering support. I think about you ALL the time, because your story gives me hope (Mrs. Hope Jar). XOXO

      • I’d take an authentic marriage over a graceful one any day! My hubby and I have our moments too 😉

        I’m always here for you hon. Always!

        Thanks hon ❤ Big, big hug XOXO

  12. My heavens, MLACS, and holy crap. That sounds like the worst experience ever. I hate arguing with Hubs and really loathe all out brawls. Bloody hell, this has been such a shit show of luck for you! If I was in your shoes, I would at least look into IVF because you know how all this crap takes so long to arrange. And so many of these facilities have the worst waiting lists.
    I really hope that you both can keep moving forward, love. But lots of hugs in the mean time.
    On a side note, I would like to reserve your impressive street skills for any point in the future. The Hubs would have blown up the world. I am so, so happy you got that message from church right at this time!

    • I’m kind of resigned to the fact that my path in life is more of an “off road” adventure–it’s bumpy and kind of dramatic. Hence why I’ve developed these “street skills” you speak of. Lol.
      Good point about the waiting lists–as many specialists as I’ve been to in the past couple years, you’d think I wouldn’t be so naive–like, I just figured I’d pick a clinic and waltz in with my checkbook and place my order. *SMH* Thanks for the reality check! XO

  13. Sorry to hear things are not going too well. I know each couple is different but I just wanted to let you know that we have gone through that too. It can get better. It takes patience, empathy, putting pride aside, and – for us – following great advice I got from my therapist: when you need to talk and it doesn’t work, when you are mad at him, don’t start by “you didn’t do this”, but saying “I feel sad because I missed you when…”. She also suggested to go to the park or for a walk to talk. Somehow it worked for us to discuss when not at home. Not sure why. Maybe more oxygen around… Good luck. Thinking of you. xx

  14. I’m sorry about your fight, but happy to hear that you’re working through it.

    As for the IVF consult, go for it. We wanted to know exactly what was involved, and how they did things at this particular clinic (every clinic has different protocols and procedures), plus we needed to know what the financial commitment would be. It took about an hour and we both asked lots of questions. We decided to try IUI first, at the RE’s recommendation, then we took a few months off before starting IVF. The consult made it seem less scary and imposing than we had imagined in our minds. I wish we had done it even sooner, but I guess we both needed to get to a place where we knew in our hearts IVF would be the only way to a take home baby.

  15. I think you are very brave to be this honest. And you’re right, many of us probably leave out just how hard this is on a marriage. I’ve often wondered that if we begin fighting about having a baby (thankfully we haven’t fought much, but we’ve only been at it 2 years), would we quit trying to have a baby to save our marriage? And what a horrible, unfair choice to have to make! I’m sorry this happened (and sorry about your sticky truck), but it sounds like you’re in a much better place now. Thinking of you!

  16. My hubs put himself in the dog house last night. We (or I guess just me) were arguing and he didn’t want me to get to my breaking point, so he slept in the spare room. We’ve had lots of family bullshit these past 2 weeks (but I haven’t blogged about it) and he isn’t handling it well which reaps havoc on our relationship. Plus, it’s ovulation time and he’s disengaged. I love how real you are about your relationship because it reminds me that it’s normal to get angry with one another. As for IVF, both clinics (current + new) had a 2-3 month wait for a consult. Current clinic has 2-3 month wait for IVF after consult, whereas new clinic only has 1-2 month wait or even right away.

  17. My personal suggestion would be to contact clinics and set IVF consultation appointments as soon as possible. You never know how long you might have to wait to get in, and plus, you’re not obligated to anything, just getting information. And the more information the better!

  18. So true. I think I’ve narrowed it down to 2 clinics–Dr. Diet (because his stats are above average, he’s local, and cheap–under $10k). Also, we could easily move forward with a September cycle.
    OR, a clinic in Colorado that is more expensive (and obviously travel is a pain) but the stats are excellent, I’ve known bloggers that went there, and most importantly–I wouldn’t be putting our fate or our $$$ in Dr. Diet’s hands. I need to contact them. But then, a skype consult has to be paid OOP, whereas an in-office consult is paid by insurance…thid must be discussed with Mr. MLACS, and he’s not too keen on discussing it right now. So…even THIS part is complicated. *sigh* XOXO

  19. Sorry for the fighting, but glad you worked it out and that the message was reinforced. I would definitely book appointments in advance. I consulted at 3 different centers before we originally moved forward with IVF. The appointments are usually booked weeks to months out so you’ll want to look into it well before you’re “ready” to go for it. Good luck.

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