Nail The Coffin

So AF arrived this morning at 13dpo (common for me in medicated cycles–I halved my progesterone dose yesterday too, but not sure that even mattered). Nail the coffin of IUI #5.

Last night Mr. MLACS continued to be a dickhead into the wee hours, but finally around midnight he heard me sobbing in the bedroom and came in and hugged me (well I hugged him but whatever). We are still dealing with some tension but a lot of that was gone when we woke up this morning.

We’ve been talking about getting a puppy for FOREVER, been planning that as long as we’ve been planning a baby–Mr. MLACS is a seasoned dog owner/trainer. I have no formal experience with dogs, so this will be interesting. A friend of a friend’s Lab just had AKC certified pups–get this–1 black male and 7 blonde females! DH and I are considering one of the females, but they are $500, then all the shots, etc. And we are leaving for a 10 day trip in July–and puppies must be taken from the owner prior to this trip. My friend said her Mom would take our puppy and help to crate train her while we were gone. But…I dunno. I don’t feel prepared to make this decision today. Plus, now I’m feeling stressed about money because I’m scared we’ll need to do expensive tests/procedures and/or IVF. Is it the right time for a puppy? 

And then, how are we going to proceed with treatments? I’ve probably dropped 5+lbs in the last 2 days and I am going to be in a wedding in 6 weeks…do I want to take birth control and then stims and then be feeling like Puff the marshmallow man at this wedding? I went to the dark spin class (the one where it’s so dark no one can see me cry) last night. I worked hard and it felt good–I have been so bloated and sore (and slightly paranoid) that I hadn’t been to class since my trigger shot (though I was walking). Would I be better off to take time off until after our vacation?

Or do I feel an urgency to start birth control and go directly into another cycle before our trip?

And then, WHY is it that I got pregnant 2x naturally and then never again in these past 10 months/7 medicated cycles? I started Remicade when I had my chemical pregnancy and haven’t been pregnant since–is there a correlation? An implantation issue? An egg issue? Have all these months of stims f*cked up my eggs? Or are we just unlucky? Should I go to Chicago and see Dr. Kwak Kim and ask her if she suspects my immune system? But then there’ll be a bunch of tests…$$$…and will anything be revealed? My blood NK cells were normal (though I dunno how they are in my uterus). My ANA’s were undetectable as of 2 months ago. My thyroid is well within “normal”. My karyotype was “normal”. My Ulcerative Colitis is in remission. I’m “thick” but not obese or out of shape. My AMH (ovarian reserve) is high. I’m gluten-free, high protein, low sugar, negligible caffeine…I’m not stressed (in general). I take supplements. My husband has a stellar sperm count and he quit smoking 8 months ago.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

WHY did it work before, but not now???

I want answers.

XOXO

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23 thoughts on “Nail The Coffin

  1. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of decisions to make for yourself. I wish I had the answers! I wonder if you should take the next six or seven weeks off so that you can relax and then get started back up. But if you’re like me, you hate sitting around and waiting doing nothing, so that may not be an option for you. Either way, you know I’ve got your back and I’m over here rooting you on! HUGS

  2. You need a lab! Seriously! I have a female chocolate and she is seriously the sweetest darn thing in the world, all 70 lbs of her. And labs are super smart so easy to train!

  3. That is a lot to think about. I personally think it’s always a good time for a puppy but that’s my whimsical, sometimes-regret-my-impulsive-decisions-later part of myself. Then again, I’ve never regretted rescuing my now later Boxer that was my best friend for 13 years even though I knew I’d get evicted from my apartment the second I brought her home (I was right about the eviction and it was Mexico City so they don’t give you notice beyond “you must leave in 2 days”). Best decision I ever made, she taught me so much. But don’t let me persuade you. I’m just saying, i guess, that you’ll know what to do. And the dog wasn’t impulsive – I waited 4 weeks for someone else to adopt her first, but it didn’t happen an then I couldn’t take it anymore. 😉

    About the break – please don’t feel pressured to jump in. There is time. A few months will not change things for the worse and might help.

    About why not since the natural ones that didn’t work – I don’t have an answer but I sure hope you don’t think it’s something you did/didn’t do. Have you researched or asked any of your docs about a possible connection to the Remicade?

    Sending you some peace waves, this is a lot to be mulling around.

    • Thing is, there is pitifully little information and research on Remicade in pregnancy. Most docs consider it safe and plenty of women get pregnant and deliver healthy babies with no apparent ill effects. But I have to wonder,. We will probly wait til after our trip for the puppy! XoXO

  4. My parents have a lab and I LOVE her! Best dog EVER! On to the other stuff…I wish I had the answers for you. I could give you my advice but no one likes advice from others (or at least I don’t) so I will just shush it 🙂 I will say that BEFORE I did treatments two years ago, my cycles were around 33 days. Not too shabby right? Well, two years after treatments and they are going on forever….forever as in, they last up to 70 days now. UGH! I wish I had never done birth control when we got married (they started this whole screw up because before that I had normal cycles) and I wish I had never done the injectables. I didn’t get pregnant from them and now my cycles are all screwy. But then they work for others. UGH! I think every one is different and whatever you have peace about, then go for it. I never had peace about the birth control or the injectables so that should have been my first clue to not do them cause my body sho as heck couldn’t handle it. If you feel like maybe taking a break will be good for your body, mind and spirit then do that…if not, then go the other route. You could always try taking a break and if that just isn’t working out, then you can start up on another cycle.

    I will say to not worry about the money.. I love the verse from Phil 4:19 which says, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.”

    Notice that your needs will be met according to HIS riches and glory. Not yours 🙂 If that’s the path God is wanting you to take, He will supply you with the resources. He never takes you down a path without equipping you for it. That just doesn’t make sense 😉 xoxo

  5. I always think with IUI’s the timing is so delicate. At least if you’re TTC naturally you can watch your natural body cues and try a few times around that window. Especially if sperm count’s not an issue. I did 5 IUI’s too, and I’m not convinced my doctor ever got the timing right.
    As for puppies… Check out shelters! I got my cutie from the pound and she’s a beauty. People pull their cars over to ask about her, you’d think she cost hundreds of dollars! Plus they had already spay her so saved money that way too.

  6. I don’t blame you for being frustrated hon. It’s always so hard to know what to do. I remember a year ago, everyone wanted us to do IVF with PGD and I just wanted to keep trying on our own, but after all the losses, they all convinced me that testing our embryos was the way to go. But then I responded so bad to the meds and well you know how all that went. We had to do it I guess so we’d know and not always wonder what if, but it’s just ironic that after all that (and $30,000 that we’re still paying off), we’re now pregnant naturally again. None of it makes sense at all! I’m so glad you and Mr MLACS are a doing a bit better today. Praying so hard you find some answers soon. No matter what, follow your heart hon.

    Just a thought, could you take a break from the meds and go with the Mr to Canada when he has to be away for work so you’ll be with him and won’t have to worry about taking bcps and timing everything? And this way you can try naturally because you’ll be in the same place together? I don’t know if that is even possible, but just thought I’d throw it out there.

    Sending you so many hugs!

    • You know you’re an inspiration of mine–getting pregnant on your own after all the medical intervention (and heartache and disappointment). Maybe that could happen for us (if my cycle reverts to “normal” then I will “O” when hubs is home–who knows how long that might take though?) Going to Canada (according to hubs) is a horrible idea because his job is so remote I’d have nothing to do with myself in his absence. And I cannot take small planes to remote areas (fear of flying). So…that’s not on the agenda but it was worth considering. I’m going to call the RE tomorrow and tell them I don’t need a beta but I do need to talk to Dr. Diet and figure out my options and then decide. Maybe time off is the answer and maybe we could try naturally assuming my cycle returns to “normal” and coordinates with Mr. MLACS’s schedule…XO

      • Too bad about going to Canada, but yeah, the last thing you need is to attempt the trip and be stressed with worry over the flight and then go stir crazy once you get there. Praying your cycle gets back to normal right away so you can time things for when the Mr is home. And then, yes, you just never know. Medicated cycles obviously work for many ladies on here, but I think they can also really mess us up. My Dr came right out and told me that my poor response to the meds probably messed up my eggs worse than they were because we really had to force my ovaries to cooperate. So who knows… Thinking about you so much. Big, big hug.

  7. So hard and stressful to make decisions like this! When I doubt I generally opt for a vacation 😉
    Hope your RE helps make some of the decision, you shouldn’t have to decide alone.. xx

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