I Hate You Mr. MLACS

Dear Mr. MLACS,

You are an a**hole. First of all, I “failed” the pregnancy test this morning and you didn’t say sh*t. Second of all, I had scheduled a dentist appointment for you and you b*tched out and didn’t go and forced me to make up an excuse for you.

Third, I called you after the dentist–in tears in the parking lot–and you didn’t pick up. Then you called at your leisure and asked me if I wanted to go shoot your stupid gun and I told you matter-of-factly that I was upset and today was not the best day for me to try to learn something new (particularly guns, which I have zero experience with and they freak me out).

And you said “You gotta get out of this funk”.

EXCUSE ME???

I said to you “I am entitled to be upset–which I warned you I would be if this happened. And furthermore I AM THE ONE who has to do this again, and I don’t want to”. Which is to say, that I am only doing this again in order to save money, because I don’t want us to pay for IVF.

And reading between the lines, I wouldn’t have to keep doing this IF YOU WERE HOME to try naturally. And you are actively making a choice to not change your schedule–and you know good and damn well that the ONLY reason I agreed to this job is because you let me believe that you would be home during my ovulatory period for AT LEAST a year. Yes, you informed me when you got your schedule that you would be home for all the holidays in the latter half of the month! “At least until 2015” you said “After that I can’t guarantee it won’t change”. Those were your words mother*cker.

And yet here I am, doing these frozen IUI’s all by my f*cking self while you run off to Canada and do your dream job. And I would have a job too or at least be in school, except that your schedule only brings you home for half the month and I need to be with my husband at least half of the month. And I’m always in the middle of a cycle, which we all know is damn near impossible to explain to a job and retain any kind of privacy. I’m already sick of this routine. And you are not even seriously looking for another job because YOU are comfortable where you are at. YOU don’t really care to change anything. YOU are not the one waiting at home.

YOU are not the one doing the drugs. YOU are not the one sacrificing your body, mind, and soul for this. YOU just get to run off to your important job and wake up every day and be the boss. YOU have a routine. YOU have a purpose. YOU have validation that you are appreciated and that you make a difference.

Whereas I am over here…my whole life revolves around my cycle. Obtaining drugs, doctors appointments, injections, etc. I have control over NOTHING. And every cycle as I inject myself I cringe because I know what’s coming. MISERY. It’s f*cking miserable. And how do I explain to my friends what is happening to me? Why I can’t go have a drink? Why I’m too tired to go to spin class? Why I’m too distraught to visit a baby? All I get are blank stares when I say “Well because we’re going through treatment”. The best they can muster is pity because they don’t have a clue what any of this is like. F*ck, for that matter neither do you…

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, Mr. MLACS. You are blissfully ignorant to what kind of hell this is.

Because if you had a f*cking clue as to what this is like, then you would change your mother*cking schedule. OR, at the very least, what you could say is:

1. I know this is so hard for you–I know that you carry a heavy burden. I appreciate what you are doing.

2. I don’t expect you to keep doing this. I don’t want to see you continue to beat up your body this way. I understand that this is not good for you mentally or physically.

3. I understand that I AM MAKING A CHOICE here, to continue to do this job despite the fact that it is directly and undeniably affecting our ability to have a baby. I appreciate you supporting my career–because you understand that I love what I do and it’s NOT just about the money.

4. I understand that you getting on birth control in order for us to do this fresh IUI is NOT A LONG TERM SOLUTION. I am aware that it will f*ck up your cycle and that if (God forbid) it doesn’t work then it’s not something that we can continue to do, even if we wanted to–it’s a “one shot” deal.

5. I understand that you have done your best with these frozen IUI’s. If the next one doesn’t work then I am prepared to move on to IVF, because it is not fair for me to expect you to put off having children as a consequence of my work schedule being inflexible. Building a family with you is at least as important, if not MORE important, than furthering my career. I understand that I cannot take my money with me when I’m gone so I am prepared to spend what we need to spend to start a family. Without b*tching at you and acting like a martyr.

6. I love you and I respect the sacrifices you’ve made and are willing to make in order to create a home and a family with me.

Because Mr. MLACS, your maternity swimsuits were a sweet gesture. But what I need from you is a commitment that you are willing to go the distance with me. Today you opened your big fat mouth and said “Fine, lets stop. Just forget about it.” And I said “So are you saying you would live childless?” And you said “Yes!” And I said to you “Then get the divorce papers ready. Because Swear to God, on my Mother, if you mean that then I want a divorce.” And I meant that. That was a punk a** pussy thing to say. And obviously I’m not married to you for your money. I am married to you because you are the man I want to have a family with. I don’t stick around for your f*cking paycheck and your good company will never fill the space in my heart where a child should be. So put up, or shut up.

And don’t make yourself a victim. That sh*t is tired too. You said “You just want to beat up on me!” And no, actually, I wanted to have THIS conversation with you. And I have been very clear all along about what I want and until now I have not asked you to own your part in this–which is that you are not prepared to inconvenience your company in order to help me create our family. And you don’t want to dig in your pockets either (for IVF). You want to have your f*cking cake and eat it too–at this point it is all at my expense. And you don’t even want to thank me for putting up with this sh*t.

Look at your friends in your company–you told me your company has a 75% divorce rate, maybe higher.

Now, you think about what side of the statistic you want to fall on. I’m no bullsh*tter, so think fast.

Thanks,

Your Wife

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52 thoughts on “I Hate You Mr. MLACS

  1. Powerful words. I’ve felt so many of the same during this process. It’s hard when your partner doesn’t share the same desire or same intensity of that desire. And having been through a divorce once before myself, I’d never wish one on my worst enemy. I wish you all the best. Prayers to you.

    • I don’t actually think we’ll get divorced, but I’m not afraid to use the “D” word in this situation because it carries a weight of seriousness behind–Mr. MLACS needs to take this seriously. It’s MY life he’s f*cking with here–and motherhood is the only option for me, childlessness is not. Especially when we have the power to make it happen–he’s just (as you said) not as motivated. I hope he reads this. XO

  2. Oh I think I would print this out and paste it on the front door for when he arrives home 😉 It sounds to me like being a father isn’t even really on HIS radar. He is just going through the motions because of you. That would be so frustrating!! UGH!! I’m praying for his heart to change and for him to desire to see things from your perspective and help support you more. Love ya girl!! xoxo

    • He wants kids really bad. But he just can’t see the bigger picture and his career is like his “blankie” and his money is a toy he doesn’t like to part with amicably. He needs to put himself in my shoes. Not his forte. XO

      • You are a much better woman than me fo’ sho! I admire your strength and patience. My hubby gets off work at 4pm and I get aggravated if he doesn’t get home until 5. Props to you sista. xo

      • mine is civil/electrical but luckily works for my Uncle. I like to keep it in the family 🙂 Makes asking for vacation with family and getting off for other events supa easy 🙂

      • I think my hubby would rather work for a big firm in a large city but he said that small town life with hunting, fishing, and close family is what will matter in the long run. He also knows that I like living two doors down from my cousins, aunts, grandma, etc. But I know internally he battles the urge to move on to something bigger and better.

      • Mr. MLACS could easily work for a firm in a big city–but he wants the pay and the glory of working as a field engineer on billion dollar projects. He’s trying to move up the “ladder” and I applaud his passion and ambition. BUT having a family is my #1 priority and it’s non-negotiable. So… XOXO

  3. My heart goes out to you. I can absolutely relate to so many of the things that you’ve talked about – although Jonathan isn’t away half the month, his police schedule makes it feel like he’s never around anyways. A difficult career schedule is hard on a marriage without adding the stress of infertility to it – I don’t know if it helps you to know that or not, but it does me to know that the feelings I have and the temptations to get a divorce are all absolutely normal in this lifestyle. I think right now you are rightfully upset and I bet your husband is upset too about the negative. I think once you both have a chance to reflect on everything and cool down a bit, you’ll be able to talk things out and get a better understanding of what you’re both feeling. But I absolutely think you have every right to stand your ground and insist that he change his schedule so that you guys can try naturally or be able to do IVF and have his support as you go through it. That’s only fair. You have made sacrifices so that he can do his dream job – he should be willing to do the same for you. Marriage is all about compromise and it can’t just be you that does it. And sometimes it is hard to share all of these feelings with your husband without getting emotional or angry, so you might write him a letter and explain what you would like from him and why it is important to you. And just know that I am praying for you both and hoping you’ll be able to work through things. HUGS!

    • He reads the blog so he pretty much knows what I’m thinking at all times–and yeah, it is SO much easier to articulate myself in writing than to try to have a conversation with this dude–he is a “professional” at antagonizing me if he feels the slightest bit criticized and he becomes confrontational (and says stupid things that piss me off). Infertility is HARD on a marriage, as is having a partnership where one person has a career and the other person makes a home. I’m not here to “air my dirty laundry” so much as to be really honest about it on the blog. It really has only helped my marriage as a result. Thanks for your support! XO

  4. How incredibly frustrating. 😦 I hope he didn’t really mean what he said. And I really hope that he starts to know how this has been affecting you.

    • He doesn’t mean it–that is one of his “things” which is to be a big dick when I am upset, it’s a pattern. I expect that we will have to fight some more before this is resolved, but I expect it will be resolved. XO

  5. Aw, hon, this sounds so, so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through so much turmoil and pain. I hope Mr. MLACS gets his act together and starts really hearing you on all of this.

  6. It is so hard to feel like you are alone in this process. I’ve not experienced infertility, but I have experienced my husband not being on the same page with me and not caring if he wasn’t on the same page with me. It hurts when all you want is for them to want for you the things you want for yourself and your family. That’s what marriage is – a couple joined together with a like-minded plan for their future together. I know how hard it is when you feel like you’re not only NOT on the same page, but in an entirely different book altogether. I’ve prayed for you and your DH, and I hope that your husband will realize all that you do sacrifice for him. Sending some **HUGS** your way and lots of love. I’m sorry you feel so frustrated. I’m frustrated for you.

  7. Oh boy. A) This is *very* well articulated, I absolutely think you should make sure he reads it. B) I know exactly how you feel, as I think quite a few IF ladies do. Husbands often don’t get it; even if they very much want children, it’s rarely the same deep-rooted need that we feel. And if the husband in question doesn’t passionately want kids? Forget it, it’s SO damn hard. My husband has never had a yearning for children and wants them for mostly academic reasons (like: it’s sad when you see old people without kids, it would be fun to teach a child to love baseball, etc). I know he’ll be good father and love our kids, but the idea of an actual baby is very abstract for him and doesn’t come from his heart, so when I cry over negative cycles or don’t want to hang with a pregnant friend, he sometimes gets pissy and frustrated. But he always comes around and we’re able to talk it out and our understanding for each other deepens, as it will, I believe, with Mr. M-lax. It’s clear from what you write that he loves you a lot; I think he just needs time to process this situation and stop being a butt head. You’re so not alone in all this, good luck girl.

  8. Mr. MLACS loves kids! It just isn’t sinking into his thick neanderthal skull what sort of sacrifices need to be made in order to create them–particularly MY sacrifices. He gets to go about his life “business as usual”. *sigh* Thanks lady. XO

  9. I totally hear ya on a lot of things on this list. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, as if a failed cycle wasn’t enough. Lots of times, when I’m really mad at my husband I email him something similar to what you’ve written above….it helps to get it all out, and maybe he can save it as a point of reference too. He needs to hear these things!! Thinking of you.

  10. Man, I’m glad for your sake you didn’t take him up on the gunfire offer. I would not want to be finding you criminal defence counsel after reading your post about how you blew off his left ear for not f*ing listening or showing you the love and compassion you need when things go off the rails… again. 😉

    I hope you can laugh at that and if you can’t, feel free to give me a good solid kick to the teeth. I probably won’t even feel it right now and if it helps you feel better, hey, that’s what friends are for!

    Seriously, I’m sorry your husband is being such a tool. I hate the defensive, it’s-all-about-me crap guys can pull out when what they really need to do is be gentle and tender and patient – even if we’re off our rockers with despair, hormones, grief or all of the above. Do you think Mr. MLACS says “let’s give up” because that’s his defence to the grief he’s experiencing over this not working and how it’s affecting you? Not saying it’s okay to be an idiot because he’s struggling with this own feelings and not communicating them in a healthy, adult way if he is. Just asking because I think my guy does this or has in the past and I know from our many counseling sessions that it’s often from a place in him that is really hurting about how devastated *I* am and how hard *I* work at this and that is really painful for him to witness while feeling helpless to change. It helped me to understand that and us recognizing it has helped us communicate better and him to not feel like he has to “protect” me by saying stupid things like “let’s never do this again!” and “I hate this, I can’t do this anymore!” (even though I was saying those things today – how’s that for a role reversal? ;-)).

    Sending love and compassion. Hang in there, MLACS. I know this crap sucks.

    • No it’s funny (but also you have a point…).
      And yes you’ve captured the essence of it with “defensive all-about-me crap that guys can pull out when what they really need to do is be tender and patient”. It’s f*ing ironic how he will act the opposite of how he should act. I don’t know how he feels because he won’t talk about it and he certainly won’t go to counseling (because he needs it and people who need it the very most won’t go).
      He is in the other room but might as well be on another planet.

      • I’m sorry. I wonder if there is someone more like a facilitator that you could both see? Honestly, I’d have a really hard time with this and I’m really aching for you now. Sometimes when the going gets tough the tough get going. You are clearly the stronger half of your team and right now you are not a team at all (because you can’t be a team of one), that’s the killer part. 😦

  11. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and that your husband isn’t behaving as he should. men react so differently to all this… My husband and I had loads of problems during the first IVF cycles. It took a lot of work to find a way in between and better understand each other. Sometimes men do stuff thinking they’re being helpful when it’s really not what we need… I hope you will figure things out soon.. xx

  12. My heart breaks that you are even going through this. The fight, IF, the damn BFN.. all of it. You don’t deserve it. Infertility is so fucking unfair. Not only that, it puts such a strain on everything and I really wish their was a damn manual to get through this. A fight is never easy, but you do have so many valid points in this post. So many. You NEED him right now. If he would have said any of that on your list, it would have made a difference. It just breaks my heart that you had another failed cycle. With everything you have been willing to do to start a family, you deserve him to be a little more sensitive and acknowledge all you’re going through. I know you love him or you wouldn’t want start a family so badly. You need to feel like you aren’t alone in this. I’m hoping he reads this or realizes what you need right now. Sending big hugs.

  13. So many hugs girl, this is difficult shit. I’m feeling in the dumps with my DH at the moment too so I can relate to your feeling isolated. I’m hoping things improve, you certainly have articulated yourself very well. Hugs xxx

  14. Thank you for sharing this. I am so very sorry for what you’re going through. (((HUGS))) I am thankful because I know that I am not the only person who feels this way sometimes. I hope that things get better and quickly!

  15. I’m with Elisha on this one! Print this out and put it where he will see it! I am so proud of you for writing this hon. It really needed to be said! I know your hubby works hard and really does try, but he has left you to do this all on your own. It’s just not fair. I have been awe of you and your amazing strength to keep doing this cycle after cycle on your own. It’s time for you to get some support through this. It’s time for him to step up and put his foot down at work. Huge hug hon!

    • Thanks sweets–he is not budging and is firmly being a dick. Says he hasn’t read it (that may or may not be true). And I even apologized for my yelling and tried to squash it. He is not trying to let it go and is intent on making himself the “victim”. Lovely. XO

      • He’s the victim?!! Really!! When you’re the one who has had to go through all of this on your own?! Oh hon. I’m so sorry! I really hope he wakes the F up!

  16. Ohhhh, MLACS. I have composed letters like this SO many times in my head, but never posted them because Eric reads my blog and he’d get really pissed about it (plus he’s the tech-nerd who hosts my blog, so there’s real danger there if he gets TOO mad). Anyway… if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: there is NO WAY IN HELL we would be having a child if the roles were reversed. He’s simply incapable of putting this amount of effort into it, even though he does want children, he definitely doesn’t want it badly enough. He certainly doesn’t appreciate or understand everything I went through to get us to this point. Do you know he had the audacity to complain about taking the day off work to go wack off into a cup? Meanwhile, I was frantically working from buses and rearranging my schedule weekly to go get blood draws and ultrasounds and then getting eggs surgically removed from inside of me… oh, yeah. Please tell me more about how PUT UPON you are to have to ejaculate on command. Pooooor baby.

    But you know what? I’m so glad it’s this way. Because imagine if your hubs really did have to be the one to go through it, and you wanted your baby as badly as you do. For me, I’m just so grateful that I’m in control, I’m in charge, and I know I can handle it. Women were made stronger for a very good reason. We have to shoulder the burden… but we CAN shoulder the burden. And the only people who will truly understand and commiserate with you properly are other women (particularly infertile women).

    Sorry, I’ll get off my soap box now. But I mean it! We are all in this together, and as for the men, they should be falling to their knees thanking us for our sacrifices. But then again… they probably won’t.

    • See, I’ve seen you post about when you & Eric have had issues and I appreciate that you don’t sugarcoat things (although it sounds like you omitted some of it! Lol).
      And no, I won’t get an apology–in fact I’m getting the cold shoulder. There is such a thin line between love & hate. I simultaneously want to hug him and throw heavy objects at him. And the only thing I’m getting from him is anger–he won’t talk. It drives me mad! But I know he loves me, truly.
      I am also hormonal and grieving this cycle and should not be held accountable for anything I say or do (I’m not getting any slack).
      No clue how this will end. I don’t think I’m even close to done being upset about this cycle. And I have no control over the hubs, who is intent on antagonizing me.
      Hopefully, no glass will be shattered (that’s my “thing” when I am thoroughly provoked).
      Does any of this make sense? I can’t tell. Thanks for the thoughtful response. XO

  17. Not that long ago I was feeling the same way and you had such strong supportive words. Right now you’re angry ( and you certainly have a right to be) but remember your wise words…men are idiots. 😉 hugs.

  18. Wow. You have been through enough for one day. Are you going to show him this post? I definitely think he needs to reevaluate his priorities. When you do have your baby(ies?), are you going to tolerate his schedule? One of my best friend’s husbands works in the oil field and she’s lead a lonely life raising 3 kids on her own. Be honest about what you need/want. There has to be a middle ground where you both can meet. As much as these rough times suck, I always remind myself that ultimately, they bring you closer. Sorting this shit out now will (hopefully) lead to less fights once the children arrive. Your marriage will be stronger and you both individually will be stronger too. Hang in there kiddo. *hugs*

    • He’s being such a jerk! No he doesn’t intend to keep this schedule, he wants to settle and buy a house and be home for dinner. I know he would seriously look for that sort of position once I’m pregnant. One of the many reasons why I wish I was pregnant! We have grown as a couple but I dunno if this will be a productive fight. He’s making it into a pissing match. It’s insufferable. I hope I wake up feeling less distraught and more prepared to deal with his pettiness. Lord help me. XO

  19. This sucks. I have felt similarly, though, so you’re not alone! Usually K processes all the difficult emotions about 3-4 days after I do, which can make for an extremely frustrating interim. Thank goodness for blogging! Hang in there!

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