IUI #5 Update

I owe you guys an update. I just haven’t wanted to jinx anything by talking about it. Turns out, my superstitions are most likely just a crock of sh*t. But you know, I also get tired of reading about symptoms and signs during the TWW. I’m like “Hey fool, are you on progesterone? Well, then your symptoms don’t mean sh*t so stop effervescing over it until you POAS and prove it”–this whole getting excited during the TWW thing seems cliché and amateur to moi.

Lets start at the beginning. I felt the ovulation pains just a few hours after the IUI happened. So, even though I only had 8 million total motile, the timing was good. And then the next day, I went back to Dr. Diet’s office and Nurse Cutie gave me an US (with Dr. Diet present) and it showed…wait for it…at least 3 corpus luteum! Yeah, I dropped at least 3 eggs, 2 from the right ovary and one from the left ovary. And the fire of HOPE burned bright like the Olympic Torch.

Anytime I would start to panic and think “What if this doesn’t work?”…I would push these thoughts away and say “You are healthy. You are ready. You ARE pregnant.” And I even allowed myself to talk to my potential embryos. I told them I knew they were there and to hang on tight. I DON’T DO THIS SORT OF CRAP. I am cynical. I am a realist. I read between all the lines.

I really let myself go this cycle. I was doing the whole “believe yourself pregnant” jedi-mind-trick thing. And guess what–it f*cking worked. I had ALL the symptoms. Shall I list them? Yes, lets:

1-4 dpo Indigestion, extreme fatigue, food cravings, extreme hunger (of course the hcg trigger shot was probly still in my system–I didn’t test it out so I can’t exactly say but it was only 5,000iu). I was bloated and felt a heaviness in my abdomen. A little winded when trying to exercise.

5-8 dpo All of the above symptoms PLUS cramping and backaches. And big huge sore boobs–particularly sore nipples. Started pee’ing more frequently too. And I’m hella constipated. During this time a couple things happened:

  1. Mr. MLACS came home and had me open up a couple of UPS packages he had delivered to the house while he was away. They were maternity swimsuits he had purchased for me in the very beginning of the cycle. Gorgeous and expensive suits. He said his intuition was saying multiples. Then he told my MIL we were in the midst of a cycle (because she was upset I hadn’t called her and thought something was wrong) and she said–without knowing ANY details–that she was seeing triplets. *Hmmmmm*
  2. One of my good friends told me she had dreamt she was visiting me and I had a 4yr old little girl (she had also recently intuitively known when a friend delivered). This is in addition to my friend the acupuncturist, who I haven’t seen in awhile–she messaged me about 3 weeks ago to let me know she had dreamt I had a baby girl.
  3. I just FELT pregnant. So much moreso than I have during other medicated cycles (albeit, I’ve never had such a strong ovulation and I’m also on progesterone suppositories).

9-10 dpo All of the above symptoms *plus* now I seem to have a bit of a bump. My lower abdomen is sticking out and it’s firm. I start to have food aversions, like I think I want something and then I change my mind after I take a bite. I cried because a song on the radio reminded me of my Mom. My backaches and cramping have gone away though. I’m not quite as exhausted as I was the couple of days prior. I had planned to take a test tomorrow (11dpo) but now I’m afraid of a BFN and I don’t want to…I want to live in this ignorant bliss bubble where I am pregnant and Mr. MLACS and I are fantasizing about family cars and what it will be like to take a vacation as family and what my ‘bump’ might look like by the end of the summer.

11dpo I woke up. TERRIFIED. Like, practically shaking. I woke Mr. MLACS up and said “I’m gonna go POAS” and I did and it was negative. And my bubble is burst. I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth and I looked in the mirror and said “See, your gums aren’t bleeding, you are not pregnant” and then my gums started bleeding profusely. What the actual f*ck is going on here??? I drank a cup of coffee and I had a loose bowel movement and I’m like “See, you are not pregnant“…but then the cramps and backache started again. And now I’m stuck in purgatory because it’s too early to give up and move on, but my HOPE fire has been doused and is now just a single smoldering ember struggling to persevere.

I took all the supps. I gave up coffee. I had to go on a boat this weekend and wear a matronly bikini to cover up my protruding stomach and I didn’t have one cocktail–but it was ok because I was pregnant. I got progesterone supps all over my new bikini bottoms. Against my better judgement I let my husband call me preggers and kiss my belly. I took naps. I BELIEVED.

And now, even though there’s like a 50% chance that I could possibly be pregnant, I’m 100% crushed. So, there’s your update.

Everything is F*CKED.

XOXO,

MLACS

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55 thoughts on “IUI #5 Update

  1. Don’t give up yet hon. 11dpo, as you know, is still a little early….give it another day or two before you start freaking out. Hoping this is it for you!!! Everything sounds right to me.

      • I think it brings me comfort to continue keeping up with my infertility sisters. I want nothing but the best for you!! No one deserves to be put through so much. I really hope this one pulls through for you.

  2. Sill believing for you girl. Even if it’s not this cycle, then the next. I have always said that everything will be beautiful in the end. If it’s not beautiful, then it’s not the end. Xoxo

  3. This was how my last cycle was – everything was just perfect. I just knew that I was pregnant. NOPE! Hugs – I so hate infertility 😥 Especially after having miscarriages – like what the heck! We’ve been subjected to the pain of losing our babies, shouldn’t we have it easier and get the “rainbow after the storm”? UGH! This is one long a** storm if you ask me! I’m with you on being a realist. I’m just going to stick to that from now on, because I can’t stand the hopefulness every month followed by the huge let down. XOXO – I’m so sorry about the negative. There are just no words for how much it sucks.

  4. 😦 this sucks, really bad. I hope it’s just early and will surprise you in a day or two. Failing that, I will hope on the next cycle. This is a looong tough road. Hang in there chick xxx

      • Oh no, I didn’t mean that!! I meant you’ve already had a long tough journey and it’s RUBBISH!!! I reckon by the time you start a blog it’s already been way to long. I hope today is a better day xxx

      • No I know what you meant! It’s a long road–and you don’t know where yours will end (with IUI? with IVF? and how many losses along the way?!) After I got pregnant by “surprise” I thought “Well that was easy!” But here I am, 16 months, 2 miscarriages, and 7 medicated cycles later! Surprise! XOXO

  5. Hoping it is just too darn early and that your BFP is waiting just around the corner. It sucks so bad to get your hopes way up only to have them come crashing down around you. But I love what Elisha said about it being a beautiful ending. This is NOT the end. Love ya bunches. **HUGS**

  6. I’m really sorry; cycles where hope gets the better of you are so much harder. If the final result is a negative test, this was still a great looking cycle and I think a good step towards getting you pregnant with your take-home baby. I know it absolutely doesn’t help with the sadness and disappointment right now, but I think good things are coming for you, I really do.

      • Oh good, I really try not to come off as a bummer! Sometimes I read a post saying something like “I’m 14dpo, stark white negatives, but my boobs hurt and I *feel* pregnant!!” and in the comments there are people saying stuff like, “You’re not out yet girl, go get a blood test!!” And I just have to groan and put my head in my hands. Optimism is good, optimism in the face of all evidence and logic is just sad and makes everything hurt more in the end. Or at least that’s my opinion, but I know to some it might come off as being a negative a-hole, so I try to temper it in comments because I want to make people feel better, not worse. I’m truly sorry this cycle wasn’t the one, I hope next month produces just as good a response and having Mr. M-Lax there in person makes all the difference.

  7. MLACS, I’ve been thinking of you and hoping this cycle would be the one with the pinks. This shit pisses me off, the fact that we can manipulate our bodies into a cycle, make them ovulate, inject the damn swimmers right up into the babymaker, and the magical pieces still don’t fall into place. Take it easy for a couple days, the best that you can. Honey, I am still pulling for this one but if not, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll be pulling just as hard for the next one. Thinking of you, doll!!!!

  8. Ugh! I’m so sorry you’re in this purgatory hon. I echo what everyone else has said, it really is still early. I know you need to protect your heart and have shielded your hope, which is I’m sending extra hope your way. My hope fire is still burning big and bright. Big, big hug!

  9. I agree with everyone else. It’s early. But while reading this, I couldn’t help but feel like even if this isn’t the cycle, you are getting closer. Just believing you could be pregnant is a huge step. I know that doesn’t make the BFN any less tough to deal with and it won’t make any others easier, I haven’t read a post with in this much hope. And I know you can hope in one hand and sh*t in the other but your hope and their intuitions just seem like it can’t all be a coincidence. I’m praying this is the cycle but if not, it’s close!!! Always in my prayers, keep us updated about this cycle!

  10. Awwww I feel you. I don’t even know what to do with these fertility games anymore. You stay positive all month long, you get shit all. You stay grumpy and negative, you get shit all. Looking forward to tomorrow’s update. Praying 12 dpo is your BFP day! Good luck friend.

  11. 11dpo is early. I really hope you get two lines. Even if you don’t you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. It’s good to have faith that this will work out. You are healthy and strong and you appear to be able to ovulate like a warrior so even if it isn’t this cycle it will happen and you should try to keep the positive thoughts going x

  12. Oh hun I’m hoping so hard it might just be a little early and you’ll get a pleasant surprise in a few days. So many hugs lovely, hanging onto hope for you xx

  13. I’m a little behind on reading but you better have another post I find in my reader as I’m on the edge of my seat now! Happy thoughts coming your way!

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