Hey…

So I just had my IUI and I’m not happy–but I want to be happy & I want to believe. Could use some help guys.

Things were much different than with Dr. Angel, in a bad way.

1. The Nurse Cutie did my IUI, and I didn’t even see Dr. Diet. Is that normal? Does your doc usually do your procedure or at least do you see him?

2. There was no ultrasound today. I thought I would see if I had ovulated, or if not, how many follicles were mature and their sizes. I am PISSED about this. But on the other hand, I can’t worry about sh*t I don’t know–like, if I had seen that I ovulated I would be worrying that it happened way too early. I haven’t had any sharp pains and I’ve been PRAYING for sharp pains so I could confirm ovulation.

3. Nurse Cutie said there was 8 million total motile. This is the LEAST I’ve ever had. She’s like “This is great, it’s what we expect with frozen sperm”. But honestly, I was getting 12-13 million motile from the “crappy” clinic. So of course I had expected the same or better from Dr. Diet’s peeps. 

4. She did the procedure but didn’t leave the catheter in–whereas Dr. Angel would leave it in saying “It keeps the sperm from coming back out”. This may not make a sh*t bit of difference. And when I got up there was a tiny wet spot on the paper where I was laying–just like there always is after my IUI’s with Doc Angel. This upsets me, because I think “What if most of my sperm is sitting on this paper?” Anyone ever think this after an IUI or am I the only one who stresses about that?

5. I’m trying to let go and let God. I feel like I’m failing at that and I’m frustrated with myself that I can’t just let go. *Crying as I sit in the car outside Dr. Diet’s office writing this, fogging up my sunglasses but won’t take them off for people to see me cry* I know this may not be my time, but this is the first time (in our ttc journey) that I’ve literally begged for His mercy (since my first miscarriage). I’ve only ever asked for peace to accept His will be done, I never ask him to do things on my time. Until now. Now I’m begging. And yet I still don’t trust it will work this time.

I’m freaked you guys. I’ll gladly take any comfort or advice you’ve got.

XOXO,

MLACS

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36 thoughts on “Hey…

  1. I’m so sorry you’re worried honey! I don’t know what comfort this will be, but the process you went through today sounds like the standard process that I went through when I had three IUIs (two at Columbia, one at RS of NY). And from what I’ve read, sperm coming back out is a myth and simply cannot happen (if you look at where the sperm is deposited by watching a video, it might bring you comfort). I think 8 million is pretty good, but I can understand why you want it to be as high as before. Deeeeep breath sweetiepie. Am thinking of you. Go get zen somewhere and visualize those sperm meeting egg. xo

  2. Also sorry you’re stressed and upset.

    What you describe, to my undertsanding, is standard practice at many clinics. Only had one IUI myself but it was done by the nurse, no ultrasound either, and she was the nurse who did ALL of the IUIs there, had been doing it for decades.

    Let’s go back to you being 2 weeks pregnant today. When you’re ready. Hoping that’s soon. Huge hugs.

  3. Hon, I’m sorry, these are crap feelings to go through. Everything you describe is within the realm of my experience, if that helps.

    Crying in the car after a Dr appointment, haaaaah, I have definitely been there. Hang in there; you’re not alone.

  4. They usually warn me that I might feel additional wetness after my IUI they explain it as either water from the speculum or loosened cervical mucus. At my clinic they always do an ultrasound after the IUI to confirm ovulation. Also the IUI is usually done by a nurse unless you request the Dr beforehand. Hope this helps!

  5. I’m so sorry you are disappointed! That is the worst feeling when you want so much to be hopeful. In case it helps, that’s consistent with my experience too–no ultrasound, procedure done by a nurse (in jeans on at least one occasion for me!), and catheter removed immediately. The nurse also told me not to worry about the wetness and said that the sperm are swimming up–it’s just the fluid that leaks out. Crossing my fingers for you!

  6. Leave it to wordpress for me to write a long response and it get deleted! Ugh! Anyway, let’s try again. I am so sorry you are in tears. My heart goes out to you!! I had so much running through my mind when I read your post. I believe God is pushing you to walk by faith and not sight. Maybe that’s why there was no ultrasound. He doesn’t want you analyzing, worrying or basing this cycle on your own knowledge and maybe this was His way of helping you not overthink it too much and just trust/believe. He might also be setting up a scene to where it can only point to His grace, love, mercy, and power. I believe that above all else, He wants to show you how awesome He is…just rest in Him and let Him. Tell Him your worries and fears and then ask for His peace. God is a God of the impossibles and He does His best work when the situation looks the most hopeless. I am praying for you RIGHT now. As hard as it is, try to walk by faith and not sight. Hugs!!!

  7. Oh hon, I’m so sorry today didn’t go as you expected and that you’re having such a hard time right now. We never did IUI, but it sounds like from the comments above that your experience was pretty standard practice. Praying that is a good thing and that nurse Cutie has done this for years and is a pro. I hope you can take today to rest and pamper yourself. Praying so hard for you!

  8. The nurse also does my IUI, but the doctor always comes in after to go over the counts with us. I’ve never noticed the catheter timing. I think she leaves it in for a few moments. And no I NEVER get an ultrasound on the day of which you know is something I have asked for, but it hasn’t worked out. I don’t know what to say. I personally want to have faith in IUI, but it seems to not work for so many of us. They say it works for 1/3 couples. I pray that this time may be your time too.

  9. I felt the same way after the IUI. I didn’t have an ultrasound the day of either and I was fully expecting one, but they said they weren’t concerned about my follies being mature because they were at 14’s and 15’s 2 days before. Also, my doctor doesn’t leave the catheter in, but he did warn me that there would be slight discharge and told me “don’t worry, it isn’t sperm it is loosened cervical mucus. About 2 hours after my IUI I had some pretty severe cramping which I am only assuming was ovulation. Best of luck to you in your tww!

  10. I’ve only had 1 IUI, so take this with a grain of salt. I didn’t get an ultrasound before hand. The nurse did mine; I only saw the RE for a few seconds when she brought me some free progesterone samples. She did not leave the catheter in afterwards. (The sperm won’t come back out, at least not any significant amount. I think Dr. Angel was just trying to make you feel better.) I think all of that is standard, from what I’ve read. I can’t speak to the counts, because I don’t remember what ours were; besides, we used fresh, so it wouldn’t do to compare anyway. I’m sorry you didn’t have the experience you expected – they should have been better about communicating with you exactly what to expect.

  11. I’ve never IUIed, but none of the above things sound like reasons to give up hope for this one. Getting an ultrasound would have definitely been nice for peace of mind, but just because you didn’t actually see the follicles on the big screen is no reason to think the timing wasn’t perfect. I don’t think seeing the doctor himself matters, a little leakage isn’t going to be the deciding factor between getting pregnant or not, and you’ve got 8 million sperm right where they need to be. You’re in the two week wait with good chances. Hopefully you can have a lovely, relaxing weekend and get back to a happier place. I’m cheering for you!

  12. Sorry you are going through this. I’ve had an IUI done by the NP, and they didn’t leave the catheter in either. No u/s either. It’s just matter of fact. Praying for you to be encouraged. I know that feeling, especially crying behind those sun glasses. Hugs.

  13. Oh hun, I’m so sorry. I wish I could come hang out with you and cry with you. I totally understand struggling to let go and let God. It’s always easier said than done, right? I remember during one of my cycles praying, “God let your will be done” one minute and the next praying, “Please give me a baby! Please give me a baby!” But you know what, even if you trust in God’s will and believe that the end result is going to be worth it, it’s still okay to be sad during this process. It’s a hard journey to go through, and God understands your heart. You should check out this post from Head Above the Waters if you haven’t read it yet – the line “Because the joy that was coming didn’t dismiss his grief” really spoke to me and I think you’ll be blessed by it as well: http://headabovethewaves.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/joy-is-coming/
    XOXO!

  14. Well, balls. I have been desperately hoping this one would go swimmingly. Hoping with all I have. But I wanted to give you maybe a little peace…this last one was not our best in terms of numbers at all. The Hubs had over 90 mil the first time, 12 swimmers the second, and for this last one…only 8 mil. For the one that worked, he just donated 8 mil of the little guys. I also did not have an ultrasound and I really didn’t have the cramping of my ovaries like I did with past trigger injections. Like really none. The IUI was also done about an hour and 1/2 later than scheduled because they were all sorts of backed up. So really this last one had a whole bunch of crazy issues. Also the nurse usually does the process too.
    So honey I am totally going to hope and pray. Not only for those pinks but also for some peace for you. I’ll be thinking and sending you all the best luck and dust I can. Hugs, lady!!!

  15. I’m not sure if this helps but a nurse did both my iui’s and took the catheter out immediately. I didn’t see my doctor on either visit. Good luck to you!! I’m sending positive vibes!

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