I Am A Crazy B*tch (update on IUI #5)

I told my RE today that this dose of FSH (225iu daily) has been rough on me and that it’s no fun feeling like a “crazy b*tch”, which made him laugh. I’m glad he laughed but I meant it in a literal sense–I have been extremely emotionally unstable and it scares me sometimes.

On MD (the holiday-that-shall-not-be-named) I cried–I sobbed–it was a sunny, beautiful day outside and I could not let go of feelings of despair and anxiety–this feeling of impending doom and a sense that nothing will ever be ok again. It was hell. And it wasn’t MD that triggered this–it was most definitely the whoremones, because I’ve felt like this at various points during all of my cycles. I don’t want to do this anymore…every cycle takes a little piece of my soul.

So for those of you that complimented me on “how well I’m handling things” last week, after I posted a particularly bubbly post…I’m sorry if I let you down. But things went downhill from there, fast. Quick as an avalanche, my emotional state crumbled and I became panicky and forgetful, like, full-on crisis mode.

I still made myself exercise though. I shouldn’t have had to make myself go outside on a beautiful day, but I did finally manage to hit the trail by around 6:30pm on MD, sunglasses and hat on, dressed all in black, and I didn’t smile or nod at a single person that came my way. I just marched furiously down the trail. It was good though, I felt “purged” afterwards.

And I’ve still been taking my medications and supplements–this is a small “win”, because when I (like most people) am depressed I don’t feel like taking care of myself. But I have maintained. I have worked out, showered, taken my meds and supps, done my injections, and eaten properly. Sometimes, that is all I can do. My house is messy, but that’s ok.

I went for a follicle scan on Saturday, with a new nurse (we’ll call her Nurse Lady, because she was older and seemed dignified). The RE and Nurse Cutie were out-of-town until Tuesday. She said I was “looking good” and responding well, and my right ovary did look like it was brimming with follicles and there was a few on the left too (she didn’t give me any measurements). I didn’t ask about my lining because it’s always been fine. She drew blood and I asked her to check my TSH, because it was really high after my last extremely medicated cycle with Bravelle, so she did and told me I’d find out on Tuesday. She also checked my Estradiol, and called me later to inform me it was 620, which is pretty good for CD8.

Today (Tuesday), CD11, I went in for another scan. The RE (Dr. Diet) was there for this one, and there was another nurse–one who I’d met during my job interview (as most of you know I interviewed at this clinic not long ago, and they didn’t hire me–but I hired them). We will call her Nurse Nice Lady, because she had told me in the interview that they pride themselves on “hand holding” and coddling their patients through these difficult times (that really touched me because at the time I was really craving that). So, I was happy to see Nurse Nice Lady today. And…

There was A LOT of follicles! OMG I’ve never seen that many! I looked at Dr. Diet and said “If you’re going to cancel this cycle, please wait until after I leave and then call me, so I can’t hurt you”. He laughed–again (as before when I said I’m a “crazy b*tch”), I was being serious. But luckily there was no need. They said I have one follicle that’s maybe 18mm, followed by three more that are measuring around 16mm, and the rest are smaller (but not by much). Dr. Diet sat me down and had the “there could be multiples” talk with me, which I tried not to be dismissive but this is my 7th medicated cycle and my 5th IUI, so I’m not that concerned about multiples and I am fully aware of the risks associated with multiples. But, it’s always encouraging to hear that speech–I remember the first time Dr. Angel spoke to myself and Mr. MLACS about how the last woman he used his protocol with ended up with triplets…we had stars in our eyes. Now I’m like “good, maybe one of these suckers will stick…maybe“.

Nurse Nice Lady called me a bit ago to inform me that my Estradiol is 2000 (which she says is good). Also, my TSH from Saturday was 1.7, so I don’t have to worry about that. So, I stop meds today (to allow the bigger follicles to “pull away from the pack” and let the smaller ones drop off). And tomorrow night I do the HCG trigger shot–only 5,000iu instead of the usual 10,000iu, which I assume is to avoid OHSS? Is this right?

And the IUI is set for Friday morning, CD14. This will be the earliest I have ever triggered and ovulated. I’ve always wondered if triggering early might make a difference. Honestly, I’ve changed so many components of this cycle that I couldn’t say which ones made the most difference:

1. Started injectables on CD3 (previously never used before CD5)

2. Used Gonal-F (previously Bravelle)

3. Been exercising with more intensity and more consistently

4. Started all the recommended ‘DOR’ supplements to “fluff up” my eggs and uterus (just a couple weeks ago though, so, not sure to what degree these may affect this cycle)

5. Been really avoiding sugar and really trying to eat more fruits and veggies (salads–when it’s warm outside Mr. MLACS and I eat tons of salads)

6. Using a different clinic–wondering if they are better at handling sperm, and also, I used to have to pick up the processed sperm from one (crappy) clinic and take it to Dr. Angel’s clinic to be inseminated, and always wondered if this negatively affected our outcomes

7. We used a much higher dosage of Gonal-F and I should release at least 4 follicles, so I have double the amount of follicles I have had on my other cycles (I could only ever get TWO)

Ladies, I don’t know what to say. I surely am not naïve enough to count on this cycle being “the one” and I’m trying to feel confident and simultaneously realistic, because this may-or-may-not work, for whatever reason. God’s timing, right?

I’ll keep y’all posted.

XOXO,

MLACS