I Am A Crazy B*tch (update on IUI #5)

I told my RE today that this dose of FSH (225iu daily) has been rough on me and that it’s no fun feeling like a “crazy b*tch”, which made him laugh. I’m glad he laughed but I meant it in a literal sense–I have been extremely emotionally unstable and it scares me sometimes.

On MD (the holiday-that-shall-not-be-named) I cried–I sobbed–it was a sunny, beautiful day outside and I could not let go of feelings of despair and anxiety–this feeling of impending doom and a sense that nothing will ever be ok again. It was hell. And it wasn’t MD that triggered this–it was most definitely the whoremones, because I’ve felt like this at various points during all of my cycles. I don’t want to do this anymore…every cycle takes a little piece of my soul.

So for those of you that complimented me on “how well I’m handling things” last week, after I posted a particularly bubbly post…I’m sorry if I let you down. But things went downhill from there, fast. Quick as an avalanche, my emotional state crumbled and I became panicky and forgetful, like, full-on crisis mode.

I still made myself exercise though. I shouldn’t have had to make myself go outside on a beautiful day, but I did finally manage to hit the trail by around 6:30pm on MD, sunglasses and hat on, dressed all in black, and I didn’t smile or nod at a single person that came my way. I just marched furiously down the trail. It was good though, I felt “purged” afterwards.

And I’ve still been taking my medications and supplements–this is a small “win”, because when I (like most people) am depressed I don’t feel like taking care of myself. But I have maintained. I have worked out, showered, taken my meds and supps, done my injections, and eaten properly. Sometimes, that is all I can do. My house is messy, but that’s ok.

I went for a follicle scan on Saturday, with a new nurse (we’ll call her Nurse Lady, because she was older and seemed dignified). The RE and Nurse Cutie were out-of-town until Tuesday. She said I was “looking good” and responding well, and my right ovary did look like it was brimming with follicles and there was a few on the left too (she didn’t give me any measurements). I didn’t ask about my lining because it’s always been fine. She drew blood and I asked her to check my TSH, because it was really high after my last extremely medicated cycle with Bravelle, so she did and told me I’d find out on Tuesday. She also checked my Estradiol, and called me later to inform me it was 620, which is pretty good for CD8.

Today (Tuesday), CD11, I went in for another scan. The RE (Dr. Diet) was there for this one, and there was another nurse–one who I’d met during my job interview (as most of you know I interviewed at this clinic not long ago, and they didn’t hire me–but I hired them). We will call her Nurse Nice Lady, because she had told me in the interview that they pride themselves on “hand holding” and coddling their patients through these difficult times (that really touched me because at the time I was really craving that). So, I was happy to see Nurse Nice Lady today. And…

There was A LOT of follicles! OMG I’ve never seen that many! I looked at Dr. Diet and said “If you’re going to cancel this cycle, please wait until after I leave and then call me, so I can’t hurt you”. He laughed–again (as before when I said I’m a “crazy b*tch”), I was being serious. But luckily there was no need. They said I have one follicle that’s maybe 18mm, followed by three more that are measuring around 16mm, and the rest are smaller (but not by much). Dr. Diet sat me down and had the “there could be multiples” talk with me, which I tried not to be dismissive but this is my 7th medicated cycle and my 5th IUI, so I’m not that concerned about multiples and I am fully aware of the risks associated with multiples. But, it’s always encouraging to hear that speech–I remember the first time Dr. Angel spoke to myself and Mr. MLACS about how the last woman he used his protocol with ended up with triplets…we had stars in our eyes. Now I’m like “good, maybe one of these suckers will stick…maybe“.

Nurse Nice Lady called me a bit ago to inform me that my Estradiol is 2000 (which she says is good). Also, my TSH from Saturday was 1.7, so I don’t have to worry about that. So, I stop meds today (to allow the bigger follicles to “pull away from the pack” and let the smaller ones drop off). And tomorrow night I do the HCG trigger shot–only 5,000iu instead of the usual 10,000iu, which I assume is to avoid OHSS? Is this right?

And the IUI is set for Friday morning, CD14. This will be the earliest I have ever triggered and ovulated. I’ve always wondered if triggering early might make a difference. Honestly, I’ve changed so many components of this cycle that I couldn’t say which ones made the most difference:

1. Started injectables on CD3 (previously never used before CD5)

2. Used Gonal-F (previously Bravelle)

3. Been exercising with more intensity and more consistently

4. Started all the recommended ‘DOR’ supplements to “fluff up” my eggs and uterus (just a couple weeks ago though, so, not sure to what degree these may affect this cycle)

5. Been really avoiding sugar and really trying to eat more fruits and veggies (salads–when it’s warm outside Mr. MLACS and I eat tons of salads)

6. Using a different clinic–wondering if they are better at handling sperm, and also, I used to have to pick up the processed sperm from one (crappy) clinic and take it to Dr. Angel’s clinic to be inseminated, and always wondered if this negatively affected our outcomes

7. We used a much higher dosage of Gonal-F and I should release at least 4 follicles, so I have double the amount of follicles I have had on my other cycles (I could only ever get TWO)

Ladies, I don’t know what to say. I surely am not naïve enough to count on this cycle being “the one” and I’m trying to feel confident and simultaneously realistic, because this may-or-may-not work, for whatever reason. God’s timing, right?

I’ll keep y’all posted.

XOXO,

MLACS

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “I Am A Crazy B*tch (update on IUI #5)

  1. oh while reading this something inside of me got all giddy!! Everything seems to be looking good and I’m hoping and praying this is the one and you get two babies 🙂 (three seem to be too risky and it would stress me out making sure you were okay)! Come on Friday!!!

    • Am I strange for being afraid it WILL work? After reading your post I think I need to work on letting go of fear (including fear of the unknown, which for me is a successful medicated cycle). Thank you for being here with me. XOXO

      • oh yes let go of that fear! If anything, not having fear will keep you out of being worried, filled with anxiety, etc. Also, you never know…fear could be a blocker between you and your relationship with God and the blessings He FREELY wants and desires more than anything to give to you. It’s funny that we (or at least me) are always quick to research and try new diets,supplements, clinics, techniques, etc to get pregnant but the other stuff (religious/spiritual stuff)we are hesitant and think…”well that wont work” or “that couldn’t possibly help”. Just remember fear is never from the Lord, so each time you doubt or have fear, simply tell the devil to sit down and shut up. He needs you to doubt because James 1:5 says that a man who doubts will be tossed around like the waves and not receive anything from the Lord. The devil isn’t dumb (unfortunately) and I know that he has used fear a lot of times in my life to keep me from stepping out of the boat in faith. Letting go might not happen over night just like building muscle doesn’t happen in one gym visit. But being constant and consistent with positive mindset will diminish the fear. I only fear about 10 percent of the time but it used to be 75%.

  2. The ups and downs are so shitty! I had a my mini-meltdown last week too. Will be thinking of you this week going into the IUI. I always do 5000 mg HCG. Dunno why but that’s what my clinic prescribes.

  3. Things are looking awesome!!! And don’t be too hard on yourself. Whoremones are tough on you, especially when combined with that overly commercial holiday that shall remain nameless. Can’t wait for an update!

  4. I know it’s not funny, because you were upset, but the visual of you “furiously marching down the trail” in all black is amusing to me lol. Really hoping this is the one for you!

  5. Yay for lots of growing follies! I know the hormones have been wreaking havoc with your sanity this week, but I have a really good feeling about this one! This time it will all be worth it! I’m saying so many prayers hon. Hugs!

  6. You have every right to feel crappy! Dont be hard on yourself..Im stalking your journey and have everything crossed for you..Keep us updated 🙂

  7. You should give yourself a nice pat on the back for getting out even on the dreaded MD!! I know what a suckfest it can feel like. I’ll be singing songs of hope for your follies, loads of luck and many hugs!!

  8. I like the idea of singing songs of hope for my follies–perhaps I should have been singing to them from CD1…any suggestions? I know “they” have done studies on the effect of talking to plants vs. Ignoring them (it helps), so maybe it could influence our ovaries…but do they prefer Ziggy Marley or Beethoven?? XO

  9. Sorry to hear that you had a hard day on MD but I’m glad you were able to let all the emotions out and then go for a cleansing hike. It might have felt rough going through it but I bet it felt like a much needed release after. I’m pleased this cycle sounds like its going well. Fingers crossed for Friday. Keep us updated. We’re here for you x

    • Who’s to say? Lots of bloggers have 3-4+ follicles and it doesn’t work–plus I’m using frozen sperm, which is less than ideal because if the IUI isn’t timed right it won’t matter how many follicles I have! Do I dare hope?? XOXO

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s