pity (ok I hate pity, lets replace that with “I feel for”) all of us in IF/RPL community that are mourning losses and anniversaries in April–there’s a lot of us (A Calm Persistence and My Hope Jar, in particular, have spoken about April being a rough month). And for me–I’ve said this like a bajillion times already, but my due date for miscarriage #2 is April 12th, which is also the date of ‘Myrtle’s’ wedding that I have to be in…and it Blows. My. Mind. that I have not been pregnant in 8 months, after 6 rounds of medicated cycles (and 2 spontaneous pregnancies prior). I never ever EVER thought that I would make it to Myrtle’s wedding…not even a little bit pregnant. I know, cocky of me to assume I’d be pregnant after only 4 IUI’s, huh?
See, and talking about April losses is not actually the purpose of this post, either…
My betas were confirmed yesterday (March 31st): negative. Not pregnant. Whatsoever. I did not cry but would be lying if I told you I wasn’t *hoping*. I got the news from the nurse but I asked her to have Dr. Angel call me, and he did. We actually talked for awhile and he said he wanted to help me get in to see the RE earlier than May 1st—I told him that the administrative staff was adamant that I needed to have my “packet” turned into them before they could consider offering me a sooner appointment (nevermind that they have my records from Dr. Angel, my social security number, and all of my insurance information, which is basically all the sh*t they wanted to know in their new patient packet, minus the financial and HIPPA consents). I promised him I would turn it in today and let him know so that he could contact the RE and speak with him about me. Can I just say, AGAIN, that I love Dr. Angel. Love. This. Guy. He told me several times that he’s “in my corner”, but I already believe that wholeheartedly or I wouldn’t lean on him the way I do. So guess what I did…
After speaking with Doc Angel, I decided that I needed to ‘beef up’ their generic packet and decided to write a combination ‘TTC timeline/ Condensed medical history pertaining to TTC”. And I got into “the zone” and totally tuned out Mr. MLACS and Kitty (both of them harassed me relentlessly because I was ignoring them). I was quite satisfied with the result. And then I went and edited the IUI protocols that I had posted on the blog (replacing Dr. Angel with the Doc’s actual name, and taking out the opinionated stuff to leave mostly just the facts). After that, all there was left to do was print them out (in the business center at our complex) and go make copies of pertinent labs (my pregnancy labs, Counsyl tests, and autoimmune testing). And then right before bed (circa midnight) I started my period—and relief just washed over me (after having cramps for days and being pissed wondering if, after coming early every month, my period would be late and f*ck up any chance of ttc’ing naturally this month). Cuz although I was having cramps, I wouldn’t take any ibuprofen because I’m convinced that it postpones the onset of my period, so I wait until I start to take any pain reliever. Mr. MLACS and Kitty will testify that I was cranky. But no more!
I woke up this morning and had my coffee, and was just getting ready to go drop off the stuff to the RE’s office, when… Dr. Angel called me! He was actually calling to see if I had dropped the stuff off to the RE yet—it was only mid-morning—I was rather astounded that the doc was more “on it” than I was! That never happens to me (because I am such a control freak). I LOVED IT. Doc Angel complimented me that I “keep the best records of any patient he’s ever met” and asked for a copy for himself. No problem. I showered and went right down to the business center to print my stuff out…but then I decided I needed to edit it some more…and somewhere along the line I decided that I absolutely must add a cover sheet, hole-punch the entire packet, and present it to the docs in 3 ring binders as though it was a term paper. Such a freak—but that is 100% how I roll.
This took a little longer than I’d anticipated (true-to-form) and I had to rush to Walgreen’s to grab a couple binders and then rush to take them to the docs before my hair appointment this afternoon. But I had an immense sense of accomplishment after I delivered my packets. And, my hair looks great (it was looking a little ‘Ke$sha”). Mission(s) accomplished.
Other stuff that happened today…OH YEAH! How could I forget?!
You know how there’s that article talking about ‘April Fools’ pregnancy announcements being cruel and stupid?! (If you haven’t seen it go check out Awaiting Autumn) Well, I was laying in bed this morning and an ultrasound popped up with a pregnancy announcement from one of my best friends…it wasn’t even just a pregnancy announcement, it was a gender reveal—they are having their second baby boy! I was like “Is this…a joke?” So the only thing more cruel than a fake pregnancy announcement on April Fool’s Day, is a real pregnancy announcement/gender reveal from a woman who you consider to be one of you best friends, who is due August 17th–so she was pregnant when she saw me in December and spoke to me at length about my infertility. But yet, she never thought…at any point from then on…to tell me that she is pregnant. That sh*t hurt. She knows about my blog but I don’t think she reads it, but hey girl, if you are reading it–that sh*t really hurt my feelings–I’m not trying to make you feel guilty…but this blog is about me and my feelings (a respite from worrying about other people’s feelings) so I’m not going to ‘edit’. I messaged her congratulations on facebook and said “we are too good of friends for me to find out on facebook” and she immediately messaged me back that she was sorry and please forgive her. And I totally forgive her (if you’re reading, I sincerely am not mad). But this sort of thing makes me think “I love her more than she loves me”, because I told her when I was only 5 weeks along with my first pregnancy and I would never have forgotten to tell her personally, because she is one of the few people that I would want to tell. She says she feels “ambivalent” about this pregnancy cuz she’s got a lot on her plate, and I can respect that. I just cannot, in any way, identify with that. Because I am anything but ambivalent about getting or being pregnant. And what’s more, it makes me feel like a loser for trying so hard, when here she is, living abroad, traveling the world (with her son and husband) and having this cool career as a photographer, pregnant on a whim with her second child, and so busy with this exotic and full life that she makes an obligatory “drive by” pregnancy announcement on facebook so people don’t freak out in a couple months when they see pictures of her holding an infant.
Must be nice.
She could take the position that I could be working and traveling and planning myself, and then I wouldn’t have so much time to b*tch about other people neglecting to tell me things about their own busy and full lives. And she would be right. But I am who I am, Sam. And right now, I am a person who spends all her time trying to figure out how to have a baby, to the exclusion of less important things like solving world hunger or curing cancer. In fact, I haven’t even bothered to enroll in community college to finish my prereqs for nursing school. Haven’t volunteered anywhere in awhile. I don’t garden…
But I AM starting a book club! Yep. I have always wanted to be part of a book club and I put out some ‘feelers’ about it on facebook the other day and several women were interested. So I consulted Oprah on “how to have a book club”, picked out our first book to read, and I will host our first meeting at my home a month from now. I am tickled pink about this! Finally, something tangible to look forward to!
And that’s all I got for today. Happy April. Fools.
**Update** Sweet baby Jesus! There was another ‘real’ pregnancy announcement on facebook and also a ‘fake’ announcement/joke. Plus a bunch of pregnancy photos–lots of naked belly shots. I think I need a drink.