April ‘Pity Da’ Fools

I love Mr. T.
Mr. T
That has nothing to do with this post, but everything to do with the title of this post. Although….

I pity (ok I hate pity, lets replace that with “I feel for”) all of us in IF/RPL community that are mourning losses and anniversaries in April–there’s a lot of us (A Calm Persistence and My Hope Jar, in particular, have spoken about April being a rough month). And for me–I’ve said this like a bajillion times already, but my due date for miscarriage #2 is April 12th, which is also the date of ‘Myrtle’s’ wedding that I have to be in…and it Blows. My. Mind. that I have not been pregnant in 8 months, after 6 rounds of medicated cycles (and 2 spontaneous pregnancies prior). I never ever EVER thought that I would make it to Myrtle’s wedding…not even a little bit pregnant. I know, cocky of me to assume I’d be pregnant after only 4 IUI’s, huh?

See, and talking about April losses is not actually the purpose of this post, either…

My betas were confirmed yesterday (March 31st): negative. Not pregnant. Whatsoever. I did not cry but would be lying if I told you I wasn’t *hoping*. I got the news from the nurse but I asked her to have Dr. Angel call me, and he did. We actually talked for awhile and he said he wanted to help me get in to see the RE earlier than May 1st—I told him that the administrative staff was adamant that I needed to have my “packet” turned into them before they could consider offering me a sooner appointment (nevermind that they have my records from Dr. Angel, my social security number, and all of my insurance information, which is basically all the sh*t they wanted to know in their new patient packet, minus the financial and HIPPA consents). I promised him I would turn it in today and let him know so that he could contact the RE and speak with him about me. Can I just say, AGAIN, that I love Dr. Angel. Love. This. Guy. He told me several times that he’s “in my corner”, but I already believe that wholeheartedly or I wouldn’t lean on him the way I do. So guess what I did…

After speaking with Doc Angel, I decided that I needed to ‘beef up’ their generic packet and decided to write a combination ‘TTC timeline/ Condensed medical history pertaining to TTC”. And I got into “the zone” and totally tuned out Mr. MLACS and Kitty (both of them harassed me relentlessly because I was ignoring them). I was quite satisfied with the result. And then I went and edited the IUI protocols that I had posted on the blog (replacing Dr. Angel with the Doc’s actual name, and taking out the opinionated stuff to leave mostly just the facts). After that, all there was left to do was print them out (in the business center at our complex) and go make copies of pertinent labs (my pregnancy labs, Counsyl tests, and autoimmune testing). And then right before bed (circa midnight) I started my period—and relief just washed over me (after having cramps for days and being pissed wondering if, after coming early every month, my period would be late and f*ck up any chance of ttc’ing naturally this month). Cuz although I was having cramps, I wouldn’t take any ibuprofen because I’m convinced that it postpones the onset of my period, so I wait until I start to take any pain reliever. Mr. MLACS and Kitty will testify that I was cranky. But no more!

I woke up this morning and had my coffee, and was just getting ready to go drop off the stuff to the RE’s office, when… Dr. Angel called me! He was actually calling to see if I had dropped the stuff off to the RE yet—it was only mid-morning—I was rather astounded that the doc was more “on it” than I was! That never happens to me (because I am such a control freak). I LOVED IT. Doc Angel complimented me that I “keep the best records of any patient he’s ever met” and asked for a copy for himself. No problem. I showered and went right down to the business center to print my stuff out…but then I decided I needed to edit it some more…and somewhere along the line I decided that I absolutely must add a cover sheet, hole-punch the entire packet, and present it to the docs in 3 ring binders as though it was a term paper. Such a freak—but that is 100% how I roll.

This took a little longer than I’d anticipated (true-to-form) and I had to rush to Walgreen’s to grab a couple binders and then rush to take them to the docs before my hair appointment this afternoon. But I had an immense sense of accomplishment after I delivered my packets. And, my hair looks great (it was looking a little ‘Ke$sha”). Mission(s) accomplished.

Other stuff that happened today…OH YEAH! How could I forget?!

You know how there’s that article talking about ‘April Fools’ pregnancy announcements being cruel and stupid?! (If you haven’t seen it go check out Awaiting Autumn) Well, I was laying in bed this morning and an ultrasound popped up with a pregnancy announcement from one of my best friends…it wasn’t even just a pregnancy announcement, it was a gender reveal—they are having their second baby boy! I was like “Is this…a joke?” So the only thing more cruel than a fake pregnancy announcement on April Fool’s Day, is a real pregnancy announcement/gender reveal from a woman who you consider to be one of you best friends, who is due August 17th–so she was pregnant when she saw me in December and spoke to me at length about my infertility. But yet, she never thought…at any point from then on…to tell me that she is pregnant. That sh*t hurt. She knows about my blog but I don’t think she reads it, but hey girl, if you are reading it–that sh*t really hurt my feelings–I’m not trying to make you feel guilty…but this blog is about me and my feelings (a respite from worrying about other people’s feelings) so I’m not going to ‘edit’. I messaged her congratulations on facebook and said “we are too good of friends for me to find out on facebook” and she immediately messaged me back that she was sorry and please forgive her. And I totally forgive her (if you’re reading, I sincerely am not mad). But this sort of thing makes me think “I love her more than she loves me”, because I told her when I was only 5 weeks along with my first pregnancy and I would never have forgotten to tell her personally, because she is one of the few people that I would want to tell. She says she feels “ambivalent” about this pregnancy cuz she’s got a lot on her plate, and I can respect that. I just cannot, in any way, identify with that. Because I am anything but ambivalent about getting or being pregnant. And what’s more, it makes me feel like a loser for trying so hard, when here she is, living abroad, traveling the world (with her son and husband) and having this cool career as a photographer, pregnant on a whim with her second child, and so busy with this exotic and full life that she makes an obligatory “drive by” pregnancy announcement on facebook so people don’t freak out in a couple months when they see pictures of her holding an infant.

Must be nice.

She could take the position that I could be working and traveling and planning myself, and then I wouldn’t have so much time to b*tch about other people neglecting to tell me things about their own busy and full lives. And she would be right. But I am who I am, Sam. And right now, I am a person who spends all her time trying to figure out how to have a baby, to the exclusion of less important things like solving world hunger or curing cancer. In fact, I haven’t even bothered to enroll in community college to finish my prereqs for nursing school. Haven’t volunteered anywhere in awhile. I don’t garden…

But I AM starting a book club! Yep. I have always wanted to be part of a book club and I put out some ‘feelers’ about it on facebook the other day and several women were interested. So I consulted Oprah on “how to have a book club”, picked out our first book to read, and I will host our first meeting at my home a month from now. I am tickled pink about this! Finally, something tangible to look forward to!

And that’s all I got for today. Happy April. Fools.


**Update** Sweet baby Jesus! There was another ‘real’ pregnancy announcement on facebook and also a ‘fake’ announcement/joke. Plus a bunch of pregnancy photos–lots of naked belly shots. I think I need a drink.


30 thoughts on “April ‘Pity Da’ Fools

  1. As usual – love your frankness and open honesty. I appreciate and respect your ability to be yourself, own it and that you are fabulous! Me? I unfriended someone on the DL on facebook today for a fake pregnancy announcement. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Love and hugs 🙂

  2. Soooooo I only had one fake prego announcement pop up today. It was a couple we met on our honeymoon. She has a bizarre sense of humour and her husband was one of the first to comment ”not this again. Can’t you get a new joke for next year?” . Even though the joke was poor taste, I cut her some slack and kept her on my list…. Your type A -ness makes me laugh. My RE cringed last time she saw my list of notes. I can’t wait to bring in a binder! Haha Book club sounds lovely. I’ve always wanted to join one.

    • You were obviously in a generous mood today–she has no idea how lucky she is that you didn’t ‘delete’ her! We are kindred ‘Type A’ peeps, although I think I flip-flop between being lazy and being overzealous, whereas you seem to be more consistent (my sink is full of dishes on both sides–I doubt you could tolerate that even on your worst day). Go make a book club! You have an infertility club, same difference, just add books. XOXO

  3. I absolutely positively love you and enjoy every single post you write. I can so relate to keeping life on “hold” while ttc. It’s an all consuming “need” that just won’t let you move on from it. But i’m happy to hear you are starting a book club… can’t wait to chat more about it! Like tomorrow. Fool. (Haha loved that!)

  4. Even though I am (miraculously) pregnant right now, I saw one of those fake announcements on fb (I knew it was fake), it still felt like a punch to the gut. I don’t know on what planet that shit’s funny. Think I gotta just stay off fb on April fools.

  5. Girl, I won’t even go to the doctor to get a steroid shot while sick now that I’m trying to conceive. I don’t want to take ibruprofin or sinus meds or anything that will impede ovulation or implantation. We get crazy like that during ttc. I stopped looking for a new job until I conceive and have a baby because I don’t want to get pregnant during a trial period and lose my job and insurance. So I get what you are saying. That would have so hurt my feelings if my friend had not told me she was pregnant and I had to find out on fb. Gosh, it would hurt me to hear anyone say they feel “ambivalent” about their pregnancy after I and so many others on here PRAY for a baby every single month, and not only that, that when they DO get pregnant, that God will allow them to keep those precious angels. Ugh – don’t let me get on a soap box.

    I can’t wait to see what your RE has to say. That’s so awesome that you bound it for them. They will surely remember you! Love. It. **HUGS**

    • Well I can’t say I don’t take any meds while ttc, but I do avoid as much as I can. As for my friend–she’s very loving and not ambivalent about her family, but she doesn’t have any special attachment to pregnancy. If I didn’t have to TRY SO HARD I might be ambivalent too, so that doesn’t upset me. Does that make sense?
      I’m stoked on the packets! Thanks Mel, Love ya. XO

  6. I’m so sorry your betas confirmed it was negative. I was still holding out hope for you. April is a tough month.. I’m so sorry it’s so tough for you too. I’m also so impressed with your records! I think it’s awesome and definitely shows you mean business! Dr. Angel does sound pretty amazing. I don’t know a doctor that would actually call himself!

    I’m sorry about how the announcement went down from one of your best friends too. I know you read my post about something similar- she didn’t tell me until she was 20 wks, but I already had a feeling when I saw her. The thing that others really realize is we ARE happy for them. I truly feel like no one should have to go through IF and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It just hurts so much more because I almost feel like they think I wouldn’t be happy for them and that’s simply not true. I couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed. Thinking about you.

    Congrats on starting a book club! That’s so much fun! 🙂

    • Yeah you know I cannot quite figure out why she didn’t tell me–if it was because she just never thinks about me and so she didn’t think to tell me (which hurts, because I think of her often) or if she just didn’t want to hurt my feelings (entirely possible, because she is very sensitive). It’s not actually a conversation I even feel like having, since I know she’s sorry. Now I can understand how you felt about your friend who waited until 20 weeks.

      I’m thinking of you too doll 🙂 XOXO

      • Yeah, that’s just it. It hurt, no matter what her reason when she didn’t tell me. I’m still happy for her but I can’t get up enough nerve to spend time with her. I can’t shake the feeling. I’m glad you know your friend is sorry and she’s actually a sensitive person. I wouldn’t feel like having the conversation either.

  7. Ugh, talk about a punch in the gut. I hate that feeling, when it’s someone who wasn’t at all on your radar it’s so much worse, I’m sorry. Glad things are moving in the right direction with your treatment/the RE. Good luck!

    • Hey thanks! I don’t know exactly when my awareness of everyone else’s pregnancy and babies became so acute and so bothersome, and I wish I could go back to the days when I didn’t care if I or anyone else was pregnant. XO

  8. Someone I know did a real/fake announcement. They really are pregnant, but they made the announcement look fake by photoshopping a robot into the ultrasound picture, only to later put up a real one. This is their fourth child by the way. Fourth.

    • Uhg how can you even keep them in your newsfeed?! It’s gotta be all ‘kids kids babies kids’. I’ve kicked some of my closest friends out of my newsfeed for posting daily (hourly?) pics of their offspring. How do you handle ‘breeders’ on facebook? XO

  9. The whole binder thing? I would totally do that! I find collating, printing and filing inordinately therapeutic! The FB announcements suck–it’s why I deactivated my FB account three years ago and never looked back. Even now, every time I think of going back in there I feel my intestines turn to play-dough and I crawl right back out into my self-induced hermitage! And yay for starting the book club… if I was anywhere near you I’d totally join 🙂

    • See, I am curious like a cat (maybe that’s why Kitty and I are so close) and we move a lot for Mr. MLACS’s work, so facespace has sometimes felt like my only link to the outside world (I can also be a real hermit). So I cannot seem to let it go! I admire that you have. Maybe we should start a ‘virtual book club’ for the IF/RPL bloggers…I will look into this! XOXO

      • Oh trust me… I’m as curious as one can be! I just quench my thirst for nosiness through my husband’s FB now (thankfully he’s not hugely social so there’s very little possibility of pregnancy stuff popping up there)!!
        PS–The virtual book club idea sounds super 🙂

  10. I love the pic and title of this post! Too funny hon. I just adore you! I love how organized you are! Hopefully it will help speed up the process with the new RE and you’ll have a plan in place for the future really soon, but more than that, I’m praying so hard that this natural cycle while the Mr. is home is it, and you don’t need your amazing binder!

    Thank you for your thoughts. I am thinking about you too and will be thinking of you on the 12th. ❤

    • Wouldn’t it just be the best thing ever if things worked out and we got to cancel that RE appointment? That would be too easy, and ‘easy’ is not my life, so, I highly doubt it (and apologized to Mr. MLACS that my lot in life has now become his lot too–he laughed). It’s ok though, I bet this RE has a trick or two up his sleeve (or hopefully after he reads my packet he will go find a trick if he is not in possession of one). Loves 🙂 XOXO

      • I’m not that lucky either. Sigh… but one can dream 🙂

        I’m very hopeful your RE will have some tricks up his sleeve too!

  11. Mr. T was one hot mofo… 😉 Those stupid ass pregnancy announcements make me want to have a 3-year-old-like temper-tantrum. That crap makes me furious. Just like those fertiles who can get knocked up easy peasy. Effing shit, yo. This is why considering drinking on a daily basis is a legit option always. I am so stoked for the RE appt! I also may have laughed at your neurotic files…I have clients like that =)
    Also, a book club? Sounds like a blast.

  12. Ugh. Negative beta. I’m so sorry. And also so sorry to hear about April being a rough month! It sucks when a difficult month coincides with pretty weather. As for your binder—-holy crow, we really are a lot alike. That is ME! I nearly spent more on binders and dividers organizing our tax documents than we got in our tax return. Which book did you pick? xo

  13. I am obviously REALLY late commenting on this! LOL! I read it that day while on my phone but HATE typing comments on that silly thing. It always corrects words that don’t need to be corrected and blah, blah! Anyway, I’m totally impressed by your organizational skills! April will not be an easy month for you but know that I’m thinking about you lots and I pray for you (and several others) every.single.day. I don’t just say that either…I really do. hugs!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s