Whatevs

So ladies, it’s been quite a week…

Last Friday I went in for a follicle scan and I had 3 potential follicles on my left ovary–13.5, 10, and 8.5. This was CD11. I was feeling slightly optimistic at this finding, although I’m always irritated that my right ovary is not a “team player”. Whatevs.

Obviously (from my last post) I was not obsessed with this cycle and I drank with abandon on Saturday–I was blowing off steam, and it was cool, but it was not awesome. I paid dearly for it. Whatevs.

I was supposed to see Doc Angel for another scan on Sunday, with the idea-in-mind that we would trigger on Monday (CD14) and do a double insemination Tuesday (CD15). Well, I was sick…I called and left a voicemail and he never called me back (I didn’t mind given that I felt like I’d been hit by a train). So there was no scan. Whatevs.

Monday morning I set my alarm and paged Dr. Angel early (7am), with the goal of being scanned, and depending on the scan, doing the trigger shot. He apologized because he was tied up with pregnant women problems on Sunday, and he was going to be in surgery all day on Monday. So he said just to go in at 9am and have the nurse give me the shot (without a scan) and he would call me later and have me come in for a scan. So that’s what I did. And then the (other) receptionist called the (crappy) RE clinic that has Mr. MLAC’s frozen sperm, and she made appointments for me to pick up sperm at 9am and 3:45pm on Tuesday–with express instructions to give me 2 vials each time (since we had 4 vials total). I noticed that she likes St*rbucks, and she was nice to me last week when I really needed someone to be nice to me, so I made a mental note to bring her a St*rbucks gift card. Whatevs.

I decided to go to spin class, knowing that (as per my life) the doc would call during my spin class, and there was nowhere to put my phone on my bike. Sure enough, he called about 5 minutes before I got out of spin class, but luckily I called him back and caught him–he told me to come on over to the office. So, I did. And I was disappointed to see that of my 3 follicles, only one was still there and it only measured 17.5. And then there was a cyst-y looking follicle that had a line running through it (doc called it a wall, so it was one follicle divided into two parts by a wall…interesting). My ears kind of drooped. Also, I made an appointment with the “good” RE office (the one I interviewed at)…they couldn’t see me until May 1st! Doc Angel said he should have some pull with them to get me in sooner, and I surely hope so–I’m anxious. Whatevs.

Tuesday I woke up…anxious. I got myself together to go pick up the “spawn” for the first insemination…on the way I had major road rage–this sort of anxiety and anger happens to me EVERY time I take the HCG trigger shot…I took the box of “spawn” and ran out the door, but once I got to the car I glanced at the paper they handed me–it said there’s only 13 million motile, and I thought “Surely this is just for one vial…but why would they only give me one vial when they were told TWO vials, twice!” Cuz normally, Mr. MLACS has 55 million at 100% motility in a single vial of his fresh sperm. And frozen sperm dies quickly too. My heart began to race. I parked and went into Doc Angel’s office, and bypassed a woman at the window to hand (regular) receptionist my box of “spawn”. She wreaked of cigarette smoke. She was very heavy but her pants were falling down and her buttcrack was showing. Very ghetto. And guess what she told the receptionist she was there for?! A pregnancy test, of course! It struck me like a ton of bricks, and I felt very indignant, and an uncharacteristic thought crossed my mind–“It’s really not fair“. And I felt panicked, wishing they’d room me and inseminate already before what little sperm I had lost it’s stamina. I was trying to hold back tears that I knew were coming, so I ran to the bathroom. And my chest heaved and a silent sob escaped, along with big tears rolling down my face. I was alarmed at my lack of self control–which just made me feel worse. “You’ve GOT to get a hold of yourself” I thought. So I dried my eyes and looked in the mirror–my face was red and my eyes betrayed me that I had been crying. Dammit. I realized then that I have reached a whole new level of infertility, a place I never thought I’d be–this is the sort of breakdown that other bloggers blog about, not me…I’m not like that…

The truth is I wasn’t “like that”…but I am now. This is becoming has become a huge burden that I can’t ignore. I can no longer deny my feelings. I’m in a lot of pain.

There’s no “Whatevs” at the end of that sentence.

There was another doctor using the ‘dildocam’, so I didn’t have a scan before the first insemination–so I wasn’t sure if the follicle had released yet or not. All I could do was hope that it would be released before the second insemination in the afternoon. I went home and tried to rest but I was upset. I called Mr. MLACS and launched into a speech about how the frozen sperm is crap and these hormones are making me insane and I really need him to change his schedule so we can ttc naturally because I just can’t keep doing this to my body and after one maybe two more IUI’s it will be IVF or nothing for me…and he got pissed and blurted out “NO! I’m not changing my schedule! This is your problem! And if we have to do IVF then YOU have to get a job and pay for it”. And then he hung up on me. I felt myself shattering into a thousand pieces. “How dare he say that? What am I even doing this for?” But this is what he does–if I call him upset like that, instead of calming me down he will get mad at me and sh*t all over me. He texted me that I was just mad at other people and taking it out on him. I said to him that I’m upset in general and wasn’t even mad at him–but what he said was f*cked up and I told him I wouldn’t talk to him without an apology. I told him I would never ever ever have said that to him. And last I checked, it takes TWO people to have a baby.

He called me and we had a tense conversation, where he told me he put plenty of money in the account (his way of trying to be nice). But you know, the damage has been done. And while he did apologize later for being a jerk, we haven’t discussed the fact that I have not forgiven him for saying “This is YOUR problem”. That sh*t hurt. So bad. And it still hurts, even though he is trying to move his schedule.

I went and hastily picked up the second batch of “spawn”–12 million motile. Not what I’d hoped.

The nurse called me back and asked how I was doing and in a whisper I said “You don’t want to know”. She was kind and took me to the room…where there was an ultrasound of what appeared to be a 12 week fetus on the big screen…

I felt like I was in the f*ing twilight zone–I literally felt light headed. I thought about telling the doc and nurse, but just didn’t have the energy to “sound the alarm” about it. Plus, I needed to cry some more before they came in. So I just grabbed some tissues and tried to sob so no one could hear my wimpers in the next room. I felt sorry for myself. I felt alone. The Doc did a scan and saw that the follicle had not released yet–that was another disappointment. He did the insemination, and I spent another 30 minutes alone, tipped upside-down with my feet in stirrups, Kleenex in-hand…crying in the dark. I think I felt my Mom with me, trying to comfort me. But the tears wouldn’t stop.

I have to say, that this is the first time I’ve left Dr. Angel’s office feeling truly defeated. And then there’s all these bloggers that do visualizations and meditations and think good and happy thoughts…and I was struggling just to stop thinking all these bad thoughts. I was thoroughly depressed. “I shouldn’t feel this way”, I thought, “Make it stop!” And, I cried all the way home–in between being very angry at traffic.

Yeah…this is a sad, pathetic story. But it’s the truth, so, if you’re looking for “suzy sunshine” all the time you won’t find her here. No apologies either.

I’m so tired of this rollercoaster. SO tired. I’m mad, sad, bitter, jaded, salty, sour, angry, indignant, irritated, ambivalent…all these negative feelings. I’m going through a tough spot, but I refuse to believe that it’s permanent.

Like I said before, the hangover from this weekend, combined with the fight with my dad, combined with the HCG trigger shot, plus I’m taking prednisone (which amps your stress hormone, cortisol), plus the progesterone suppositories, plus dealing with Grandma’s treatment, plus the fact that Mr. MLACS is not here…I think these are all factors right now. I mean, plus I am prone to anxiety/depression.

As of the last couple of days, I’ve begun to resent the things I’ve been going through with ttc’ing. The time. The money. The drugs and their nasty side effects–emotional turmoil (which leads to fights with DH), the toll on my body (the bloat), the nastiness of the suppositories. I’m so over it. I’ve been agonizing over whether or not to continue spin classes because they are moderate-high intensity…why should I be afraid that a spin class will hurt implantation? Normal people don’t worry about this crap. But then I think, “But I’m taking all these drugs and I’ve been through so much, I wouldn’t want to ruin it by taking spin class”. But I don’t want to give up my hard-won stamina that I gained by abstaining during the tww. There’s no winning.

It’s so hard because I hope this IUI worked. But I don’t believe it did. I can’t imagine that it will.

I give the f*ck up. I’m still taking the drugs (even though I feel like there’s no point) but I’m going to spin class. This is all too much and I’m ready to give it up to God. I just wish I felt like it’s all going to be ok.

Hey, sorry if this is heavy. Not looking for pity here. Just need to be honest. Just need to sit here and cry and let it out. I know at least some of you will understand.

Tears

 

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45 thoughts on “Whatevs

  1. I have been where you are… Tired, exhausted emotionally, frustrated, worn out, bitter, angry…the list goes on but then I gave it to God. It’s scary at first, like the big drop on a roller coaster ride but exciting! I have never felt so much peace and freedom before. I believe He created the universe with just His spoken word like the bible says so who better to put your trust in? Jeremiah 29:11 says that HE knows the plans that will prosper us, not to harm and to give us a hope and a future. My plans always failed so by me giving it to him, I know His plans will be amazing. I love the verse Matthew 19:26 which says..”with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Hugs girl!! Praying that this cycle is the end of it all for you and you get those double lines.

    • I really appreciate you reaching out to tell me that you’ve been there too–you’re always so positive and it kind of baffles me (because I’m not). I do feel like it’s ultimately in God’s hands. I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Thanks. XO

      • James 1:5 says if we ask for wisdom then he will give it to us. So ask and keep asking. I always know that whenever I don’t have peace about a decision or it just doesn’t feel right, then it’s a sign it’s probably not his plan. His way and plan will always make you feel better and good.

  2. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry, this sounds like an effed up week. 1. Regarding this cycle, you never know 2. I feel like for me, I need to hit these bottoms from time to time – the stress builds and builds and releasing some of the emotional tension allows me to feel better in few days, gives time for looking inside myself. 3. My husband is the same way, so sorry about that… but sounds like there is a pathway to resolution there. 4. Sending you so much love and hugs

      • Unfortunately, I am on Ivf #2. But I have had 4 IUIs and know those feelings of sadness. For one of the IUIs, we had 900,000 fresh sperm post wash. It made me want to smack anyone that said it only takes one. My point is that I have been where you are and I am okay now. Does that make sense? And yes, if I start crying, my husband tenses up and moves away from me not toward me, completely sucks, but just like everything else – we adapt and learn to cope – and we blog and get support from the people who *know* and *understand* Watch out for some snail mail next week, hugs and love.

      • Oh girl! My eyes are puffy. I thought it said ‘buckrugerlayla’ (an airman and a doctor), cuz she’s on her 4th IUI. Sorry I f*cked that up 😦
        Lol at “smack someone who says it takes only one”. Seriously. Yeah sometimes I’m glad he’s not here because at least if we argue on the phone then one of us will hang up and end the argument. *sigh* Thank you sweets. XOXO

  3. Oh, MLACS, I sense your devastation and have lost hope and faith – all of it – intensely. Hey am not offering you pity but I do hear and see you. Not much consolation but please know you are not alone in this.

  4. Oh hon, I’m so angry and frustrated for you and with you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hit these same lows and I just want you to know I’m here. You are not alone in this. I can’t believe your hubby said those things. I keep thinking he must just be very overwhelmed and not dealing with it well and had a bad case of misplaced anger. Regardless though, he needs a good kick in the a**! You so don’t need this from him right now! Of course this is stressful on him too, but you’re the one having to do everything and take all the hormones. Seriously! Men have know idea what those hormones do to us! I’m praying he gets his schedule sorted out so he can be home with you more. Distance in a relationship is always hard, let alone when you’re going through IF/RPL. I can’t even imagine how I would cope if my hubby wasn’t here during all if this. I’m also praying so hard that this cycle is it. You really do never know. Big hug girl. Hang in there. ❤️

    • Yes, the distance is hard–and obviously I’m not handling things (emotionally) very well anymore. Although I’m afraid of doing IVF, it sounds like a privilege at this time just to be done with the IUI’s. Or, ttc’ing naturally (like yourself) since we’ve conceived this way before (and never on medicated cycles). *sigh* My DH is an ass when it comes to dealing with heated and/or expensive issues. If you can believe it, he’s actually much better than he used to be! Work in progress. Thank God I have you and the other ladies when he’s being a turd. I think he will get his schedule changed, which will definitely increase our chances. Thanks boo! XOXO

  5. Oh, what a crappy cycle. Not surprising you’re feeling all those things… And same as the other girls here, I can tell you that you certainly aren’t alone in feeling that way. I’m starting my fifth IVF cycle (*vomits*) next, although I’ve only actually finished 2 so far and although I’ve had some terrible lows that I didn’t think I’d ever escape from, for some reason the darkness clears and things do get better. Even when things are really shit.

    And dude, even in the heat of argument, those were not cool words for your husband to use. I hate how much pressure this puts on relationships. I hope things start to pick up soon, and I’m with you on the exercise front. Fertiles do it and if the embryo wants to implant it will. Exercise will help with the happy hormones too xxx

    • Betty, I can hardly believe what you’ve been through thus far–I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep going and I’m impressed. I’m quite sure that my marriage would be tested by one IVF cycle and it probly wouldn’t survive another one because my DH would be ruined at the mere suggestion of paying for multiple IVF’s. I wish I didn’t have to think about the “what if’s”. I asked him last night “what if we can’t have kids” and he waved me off saying we will. That’s not comforting.

      Thanks for the affirmation about spin class–you should really try it! Like anything else, you just do your best (plus it’s not complicated, you don’t have to be coordinated or in shape to do it, trust me). It’s a great workout! Particularly for legs/hips/buttocks.
      Thanks again,
      XO

  6. I’m so sorry dear. This sucks big time…all of it. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you just cry it out. Sending faith, love, courage, and strength. You are one of the most amazing people I know. Things are shitty right now but they’ll get better.

  7. i surely wish my arms were long enough to reach to wherever you are so that I could wrap you up in the biggest, longest hug. It seems like the world is against you in every way possible, I know. I hated when I would see pregnant people or newborns or hear announcements for months after I lost my baby. Like, seriously, “get out of my face” kind of feelings. I was bitter, oh so bitter. Like you, I kept thinking how unfair it all was and like the universe was out to get me. Like Elisha said, I literally had to just give it to God. And once I truly let it go, this overwhelming peace has washed over me. It is really difficult to let go, though, and I know you will get there. In the mean time, vent away on here and know that there are lots of ladies who love you and are praying for me. I’m one of them!! Lots of love…Mel

    • Thanks Mel, I really appreciate your prayers (I knew what you meant, lol). I was really serene after my first miscarriage, like, very sure that it was God’s will and that I’d have my baby soon. I even held it down after my second miscarriage, but I decided to try medical intervention. Whenever I would feel panic, I would push it aside. But now it’s just bubbled over, you know? I still believe that nothing will happen unless God wills it, but I’m feeling desperate. I hope that, even if/when this cycle doesn’t work, that I can let these feelings go and move on. I’m trying. *hugs* XO

  8. I totally get why you just needed to blog about this and get everything out. I know that it helps. I hate that you even have to be on this damn roller coaster. It’s just not fair at all.. 😦 Sending prayers and hugs.

    • Thanks lady–I’m equally sorry that you’ve been through the wringer yourself. I will say, that I’m jealous that your husband is, like, the nicest husband on the planet and he always says the right things–that’s priceless. I love my DH, but I wish he was as gentle to me as your DH is to you when you’re upset. XO

      • 😦 I wish your husband was a bit more gentle, but I have to tell you we’ve been together since I was 14 and we are going on 11 years of marriage. It took a lot of communication through the years and it hasn’t always been like this. If we had to go through this in the beginning of our marriage, I can’t imagine what it would have been like. Hang in there. I truly believe your husband cares about you so much even if it’s hard for him to express everything. Hugs.

      • I asked mine whether he’d carry a baby and give birth if it was all down to him and he actually said “No.” No! And that I want a baby because it’s biological! I was incredulous! In an eerie way it echoes your beau’s thoughtless remark about it being your fault. Whatevs. x

  9. Sweet lady… I am so SO sorry. This whole IUI effing sucked, it is some bullshit that the Mr. reacted like that, and I am so damned PISSED that you are dealing with this. I wish I could do anything to make this better. I wish that IF didn’t relentlessly make everything awful. I wish I could give you a hug or soup or a soft kitten to cuddle. Or something to punch. Honey, I am so sorry. You’ve been in my thoughts all day and if you need anything, I’ll even give you my number to vent. Or to cry. We are all here for you and I will give a shout out to the Big Man for this IUI, because you have to get a life break sometime. Balls, this sucks.

    • Awe, soup and kittens! C’mon over! Lol. I feel sheepish because we’re ALL dealing with this crap–I have it better than some and worse than others, but we’re all coping with IF and loss. I hope your IUI #4 (with injectables!) is your lucky charm. Cuz yeah, this sucks. XOXO

  10. I’m a relatively new follower… Found myself tearing up a bit with this post bc it’s just exactly where I was at a year ago and it was so rough. IUI’s are really tough even though it seems like they shouldn’t be. I did 5 before moving onto ivf. On paper they make sense, but then it just seems like nothing goes as it should. I did most of mine on my own too, and after #4 I had a major breakdown after I left the clinic. Everything seemed perfect – I had 3 nice eggs, timing seemed right, but then the sample was like 800,000 total motile. Called my DH bawling and he got mad at me for interupting his work day with that. :-/ (((Hugs))) what you’re going through is not easy. Be kind to yourself.

    • Oh Clare! Thank you SO much for commenting! Sorry I made you sad though, and sorry you’ve been through this and felt this way. It’s SO frustrating. I hope IVF has worked or is in the process of working for you! XOXO

      • It’s ok. Ivf did do the trick for us in the end. Took a break for several months after iui’s – took DH a while to come around to it, plus I felt too drained for a while. Reading your post… I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone because I know how much it sucks to feel that way.
        It was a bit of a turning point with my DH. I started being extremely clear about the way I was feeling and told him he has to be with me for any other treatments – at least in spirit if not physically. He eventually got it. Sometimes you gotta really spell things out for the man folk.

      • Thank you Clare–I’m so glad IVF has worked for you! Your advice is good and finally this cycle I’ve been vocal about how I feel. I’ve let him listen to me cry over the phone. He knows where I’m at and I’m not apologizing for feeling or acting this way. I think he is getting the picture and is motivated to do his part. We’ll see. XO

  11. Thinking of you crying on that table alone breaks my heart. Sweet girl. How lonely and scary that must have been. I wish so much that I could have been there—anyone could have been there—to hold your hand. Sometimes we just need someone to hold our hand. But it sounds like you feel you are spiraling deeper into the negative and are getting pretty scared about it. Yes, have been there too many times to count now (ugh) and it is terrifying. I know you know how to take good care of yourself, but still—you’re alone so much of the time, and this is such a hard thing to face even when husband is there all the time. I hope he gets his schedule sorted out. I hope he learns how to treat you with the love, respect, and support your deserve when you are freaking out—he’s obviously so in love with you and wants you to be happy and fulfilled, but he’s lashing out at you when you are most vulnerable, which is just going to push you further down that scary spiral. Before I started blogging, in the early days of all this, my DH and I had a few intensely awful periods and I know that both of us were inwardly questioning whether we could eventually be happy—I think he was more than I was, in some ways, because he witnessed how horribly depressed I was and was scared that I would stay that way, and he didn’t want to be with someone so unhappy, he didn’t want to be so unhappy for the rest of his days. Understandable. But it was not easy to get through. (I tore up our entire apartment one day! Things were insane. Now they are sane again and very loving. Just took time and work.) Your tenacity and ability to figure things out and move on is going to see you through this period and periods like it in the future, but I hate that you have to go through it at all. Breathe. Excerise–yes, your instinct is right on! Do what you gotta do to feel good about yourself and your life. I got a little card for you the other day and need to pop it in the mail soon. Love you girl! xoxo

    • Thanks lady–it’s been pretty rough this go-round. It is comforting to know that you and your DH had some ugliness between you, and you’ve come through it and found yourselves stronger as a couple. I’ve been thinking of you and I’m really glad to hear from you! XO

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