Queen of Drama

Drama Queen Cat
So, I’d like to thank the ladies that commented on my last “OhEmGee” post–I didn’t respond cuz I didn’t know what to say except “Thanks”.

Maybe I should apologize, because all that lamentation over AF starting several days early and my thyroid being beyond f*’d up…well…

I called Doc Angel’s office Every. Day. This. Week. Cuz he told me to call on Monday when I spoke to him last week, saying that he would talk to the RE and then we could discuss it. And the poor guy was trying to take 3 days off to go somewhere with his kids last weekend–hope it was fun. Cuz obviously, this week was NO fun for him at all. It seems he was inundated with deliveries and pregnant women problems, because otherwise I think I would’ve gotten the phone call I was so desperately searching for. So I get that he is an OBGYN, not an RE, and he is in the business of pregnant women, with infertile women being a special project on the side.

Well this week, when I started my menses early and had NO idea what was going on with my body…thinking my thyroid is defunct…but hoping if it wasn’t that maybe I could go forth and try another IUI…I was completely and utterly NOT OK with being a “special project on the side”. I wanted to know what my TSH was, like, NOW. So that I could know if ttc was even a possibility, or if I was going to need another adjustment of Synthroid in order to make April a possibility. And I wanted to let him know that it’s no big deal if he hadn’t spoken to the RE to get a protocol for Gonal-F, because it is too late to even order the Gonal-F so if anything it would just be Letrozole. And usually (lately) the doc will call me after hours–I know he doesn’t get paid for that. So I even told the ‘regular’ receptionist, “Hey, I will gladly make an appointment to see him”, but she would not even allow me to make an appointment! I was also asking for a lab slip to have my TSH checked, which I asked for on CD1, and CD2, and finally on CD3 after calling again that morning and not getting called back, I just showed up at the office–because I was losing my mind and could not move on with my day until I got this damn blood drawn–plus I was freaking out because I knew I wouldn’t get the results back until CD4, and had wanted to start drugs on CD3 (but not without confirmation that my TSH was in-range). While I was picking up my lab slip, I said to the receptionist, “I’m CD3, so…” and it just fell on completely deaf ears, she looked at me like I’m nuts and goes “Uh huh he will call you when he can”…she probly figures the doc is overwhelmed by needy pregnant women and doesn’t need a needy infertile breathing down his neck, so I can just leave my f*ing message and he can call back at his convenience. And as luck would have it, it seems there was never a convenient time for the doc this week. So I was quite frustrated. I mean, like, maniacally frustrated.

Like, I kept picking up the phone to dial the number of the RE to have a consult to move on with a cycle in April, because when I interviewed there they said “We do a lot of hand holding here” and that’s what I wanted this week–I’m freaked out and I wanted my “hand held”. I wanted to speak to someone that understood the panic and desperation behind the words “I’m CD1, and pending my TSH results I want to start another cycle…for which I have NO protocol and NO drugs”. I mean, I felt so helpless. And yet, guilty for ‘pushing my agenda’ with my good-natured and philanthropic OBGYN’s office. It’s a struggle of “I’m doing my part, which is pissing everybody off, and I still can’t accomplish my goal” and everything just felt so…futile. But, I just didn’t want to go behind doc Angel’s back and call the RE, after he had said he would speak with him. I really just wanted to do this cycle with Dr. Angel. And I’m certainly glad that I didn’t make that call to the RE in my desperate state of insanity, because…

I called yesterday (CD4) to ask for my TSH results, feeling defeated, and I pretty much expected ‘regular’ receptionist to say, again, “He’ll call you…” and then I expected that he wouldn’t call me and that I would end up 1. Not knowing my TSH, and 2. Not doing a cycle in March because I had no protocol and no drugs. BUT…

Instead, Dr. Angel’s ‘other’ receptionist answered, and took mercy on my weary soul. She allowed me to give her my laundry list of requests and explanations, which included 1. My TSH results 2. Pending those, a prescription of 5mg Letrozole 3. Let Doc Angel know that it’s totally kosher if he hasn’t spoken to the RE to get a fancy drug protocol–totally a moot point at the moment 4. I am CD4, so…

So she looked for my lab results in the computer, but said the nurse would have to call the lab for them. Cool. And she said she’d speak to the nurse and Doc Angel about the Letrozole. And then…she called me back! She actually called me! And informed me that my TSH is…are you ready for this…PERFECT (1.07)! And the doc agreed to call in a script for Letrozole 5mg. And she said Dr. Angel will call me back. I could have kissed her. I will most definitely find some way to express my gratitude.

So, what this amounts to is: I am Queen of Drama. I am not proud of this. I agonized over my TSH and whether or not to ttc this month and whether or not to call the RE and whether or not Doc Angel had forsaken me…and in the end, everything is fine and I wasted an exorbitant amount of time and energy worrying and obsessing.

Also, since I had ‘announced’ that I’m ‘on a break’ I considered not blogging about this cycle, because I always wonder in the back of my head if maybe it’s bad ju-ju to blog about the cycles, you know, kind of how some cultures think it steals a piece of your soul to have your picture taken by a camera…maybe blogging about ttc steals a piece of your BFP? F*ck I dunno. But then I thought “But what if it actually worked?” I mean, don’t we all kind of despise bloggers that lament BFN after BFN and then suddenly announce they’re 12 weeks pregnant–after we’ve been following their journey for so long? I hate that sh*t. So, I will continue to be transparent about my cycles. And, break is officially over. I want my f*cking baby already.

XOXO,

MLACS

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30 thoughts on “Queen of Drama

  1. That is awesome! I am so happy that it worked out and the stars finally aligned. But again – I don’t think you are being a Drama Queen, you are being an advocate for your own care. You are your own special interest – you gotta fight for you. Much love and hugs 🙂

  2. I’m so glad that your TSH is normal and that everything worked out! Yay for good receptionists! I can see not blogging about your cycle, but yes.. I do despise the bloggers that wait until they are so far along to announce. I feel tricked! I mean I pray for all of you guys, if I constantly say a prayer for someone to get a BFP and they already had it all along it bothers me! It seems deceitful-especially on an anonymous blog. Honestly, those are the only pregnant after IF bloggers I unfollow! Thinking of you and I’m glad you’re going to be transparent about your cycles! I promise I will be too! 🙂

      • And lol, they’re both generally “good” receptionists–for an OBGYN office. I think if I want people to comprehend and prioritize infertility, then I ought to go to an RE’s office. BUT, I don’t want to leave Doc Angel & pay inflated prices if I don’t have to. So, I’m trying to be patient–even though I’m wound with anxiety–and find it to be…ahem…a challenge. XO

      • I wouldn’t want to give him up either. It’s seems like he’s doing everything an RE would do anyway. Basically, you suggest it and he tries it. I think this actually may be better than an RE because most RE’s tend to act like they know everything. 🙂

    • Well for me it would be particularly deceptive to “pretend” not to ttc, since there’s no way I can NTNP with Mr. MLACS thousands of miles away during my fertile window, there’s no “oops”–it’s all science. But sometimes talking about it feels taboo, you know? XO

      • This made me laugh. 🙂 Yes, it is kind of difficult when MLACS is thousands of miles away during your fertile window. I often wonder if the reason it feels so taboo is because no one ever talks about this part of the journey. It’s always.. “Don’t tell until your 3 months along.” I know you read my post about my coworker that just lost her baby at 24 weeks, there is just no guarantee. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t know that I’ll ever tell the fertile world until I’m almost due, but I have to celebrate (or fear) each minute of pregnancy with you guys at least.

  3. You and me both hon. I’ve had a sh*tty week too (which I’ll write about later). I completely understand being a drama queen. Been one myself several times 🙂 It’s the nature of the beast with IF and RPL. Don’t feel bad at all! Also, I want to know your story and definitely want to hear when you do get your BFP. I will be so sad if you stop blogging! Sending you lots of prayers for this cycle!

  4. Awesome news! I hear you about wasting time and energy freaking out—I definitely did that some during my Week of Hell Calls with insurance. (Later, I realized that I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I’d just been a little bit more patient and clear-headed.) But there are so many times when self-advocating turns out to be what saves us, so what do we know about when to push and when to lay low? Wishing you the best sweets. XO

    • Girl you know that’s the truth–sometimes you push and you say “holy crap what if I had not pushed?!” And other times you push and then you say “damn, I acted like a lunatic over nothing”. C’est la vie. Thanks boo. XO

  5. That’s an awesome TSH level! I’m glad that things worked out in the end and I can totally understand the mental exhaustion that comes with trying to do everything you can to make a cycle work. Good luck with this round and I hope this will be it for you!

  6. I am so happy to hear about your awesome thyroid test result! Who among us could fault you for the drama (though I get not feeling proud about it). It’s a testament to how deeply committed to and invested in our goals. That’s not something to fault, though it’s great you’re mindful of how potentially unhealthy for you it can be.

  7. Perfect TSH….I am so, so stoked!!! This makes my day! (Which is weird…another lady’s cycle news makes my day…it’s, like, whatever 😉 ). And you FOR Sure are not a Drama Queen. I have epic meltdowns everytime my cycle decides to start on a holiday weekend. And then I call all of the time. I think we have that right, in the grand scheme of things. That receptionist probably is a typical fertile who doesn’t understand crazy infertiles! But, doll, I am so glad you are blogging about this cycle, cause I want to be here to support and cheer you on! I know this sounds crazy (again), but I want to hear all of the good news (when it does happen!!)! Yay!!!

  8. I love your last line. 🙂 and as much as you worry yourself, you are being an advocate for your own situation. Not all ob/gyn receptionists realize the importance of timing in a fertility cycle. That should change if you switch to an RE though.

  9. Yay for the TSH!! I’m so sorry you even have to feel like a drama queen. But I’ve always said one of my favorite things about you is your advocacy for yourself. Don’t stop and don’t feel bad. Is that kitty????

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