Wanted, Dead Or Alive

I have known this day was creeping up on me, but I wasn’t fixated on it, but now it’s here: February 25th is the one year anniversary of the day that Mr. MLACS and I suffered our first miscarriage. And I fully realized it this afternoon (of February 24th) and I experienced some grief over it. And I had been planning to go to a ‘spinning’ class, but I waffled about this decision because it was at a gym where I’ve never taken spin class before, and I was tired because I ate a big bowl of gluten-free pasta around 4pm, and I had an emotionally draining conversation with my father to mend a rift between us, so I was just full of legit excuses to skip this class (of course I would’ve worked out in the gym of the complex where we live, but it would’ve lacked intensity)…but I thought “Is this who I want to be? A person who makes excuses instead of getting up and getting out there?” And the answer is: No. I knew that even if I went to class and didn’t give it 100%, I still needed to go in order to honor my commitment to myself (and in some way to honor the baby I have yet to conceive). So I sucked it up–I went un-showered and un-kept with cat hair all over my black spandex pants–but I got my a** out the door. THAT, my friends, is 90% of the battle when it comes to fitness: Showing Up.

It was busy but I managed to find a parking space, walk in the door, and sign up for the class just-in-time. Then I walked in the class…and realized that my f*ing bike had clip-ins and no straps (clip-ins only accommodate those fancy-schmancy ‘spinning’ shoes and not the sneakers of mere mortals like myself. Pffft.) Luckily, the super agile looking dude next to me was kind enough to switch me bikes. The instructor introduced herself, dimmed the lights, and started the music…this…is where sh*t gets weird…

The first song was… “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”, by Kelly Clarkson. “Hmmmm” I thought “Now that would apply to my miscarriage(s).” I felt my heart swell a little bit–not from the cardio but from the emotion that began to bubble inside me.

Then the next song was… “Isn’t It Ironic”, by Alanis Morrissett. And that sort of freaked me out. Because YES, it is IRONIC. It’s ironic that I got pregnant miraculously, started bleeding on the morning of Feb. 25th, but had a HR of 160 BPM, but then lost it that night in the ER. It’s ironic that I’m still not pregnant now, a year later, after this miraculous pregnancy, followed by TRYING for an entire year. It’s ironic that I thought I was going to get the job in the fertility clinic after IUI #3 failed, but then came in 2nd best. It’ f*cking ironic that February 25th is the day I lost my baby, and I have to attend a funeral on this day (for a 91 year old man, but still). It is ironic. Is the Universe trying to tell me something???

The next song was… “Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith. And I’m thinking…”Yes, I’m feeling very emotional right now.”

Then… “Wanted, Dead or Alive”, by Bon Jovi…this HIT ME like a ton of bricks… I wanted that baby. I wanted that baby dead or alive, I wanted it and nothing takes that desire away, or the pain of not having that baby with me now… the lyrics say “On a steel horse I ride”, and I was currently riding a ‘steel horse’ in the form of a stationary bike. I began to think that none of this was a coincidence, me going to this class… Thank God it was dark, because the tears started to fall…it was all I could do not to ‘ugly cry’ right there in the middle of class, but I managed to keep my face from twisting while the tears fell. I kept pedaling.

Oh, and here’s a good one… “Wonderful”, by Everclear (I’ve seen them in concert, btw). These lyrics really nail the last year for me (wishing all the bad things away):

“I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now…

I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now”

And I’m crying, and I’m thinking “FUCK, OK UNIVERSE. GOD. YOU WIN. WELL PLAYED. WTF DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” Am I supposed to have a nervous breakdown?! Huh?! Then WHAT???” Cuz, yeah, for a brief moment in time (before I came to this class) I was thinking that I was doing ok, but, thanks for reminding me about how f*cking angry I am and how everything is NOT wonderful. Muchas Gracias.

There were a couple more songs, but we ended with… “Like A Prayer” by the one-and-only, Madonna. And the words that struck me from this song were “Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone”, and this struck me, because I don’t understand. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning from miscarriages and the painful wait and the tenacious fight that I’m putting up in quest of a healthy pregnancy and baby. I’m confused. It’s a mystery. And though I have my husband, doctors, and my dear friends (you ladies), I think we all feel alone to some degree. I felt alone in that class as tears slipped down my face in the dark.

I think this particular playlist should be named “The Playlist for Broken People”.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I just knew I had to come home and tell you guys that:

1. The anniversary of my 1st Miscarriage is February 25th (it’s been a year)

2. I went to spin class. Yay me. But got b*tch-slapped by the playlist. I don’t know whether to feel spited, or vindicated. ???

Despite the playlist, I liked the class. The guy next to me gave up his seat for me after he’d already set up the bike for himself. The back row was a group of girls that whooped and hollered and sang along to the songs (some days that is annoying but today I thought it was cute). The instructor let me put my coat up front on her platform and she remembered my name on the way out. I got a good workout and I purged some emotion. Maybe crying in the dark at spinning class will be my new “thing”. It beats crying on the couch at home alone.






28 thoughts on “Wanted, Dead Or Alive

  1. Wow. Aren’t those coincidences interesting when they happen? What a playlist! You are awesome for not ditching spin. And thank for the reminder that I have NO excuses to ditch yoga this week. 🙂

  2. First of all you are awesome for still going! Secondly, your play list was brutal. I might have had the ‘ugly cry’ so once again, props to you. Lastly, I am sorry for your loss and will be praying for you tomorrow 😦

  3. Wow, that’s pretty crazy. Good thing it’s dark in there! I have been feeling the same way about getting my ass in gear, and not being a lazy mope. So far I always manage to go to yoga on Sunday, but not much else. Must change that…Anyways, wishing you strength dealing with *the date* tomorrow.

    • Thanks luv–you know yoga on Sunday is better than no yoga at all, but if you’re feeling like a loser then may I suggest that the inconvenience/energy of going to the damn classes (or going running, etc.) is far outweighed by the feeling of accomplishment, yes? It’s always better to go, even when the playlist makes you cry. XOXO

  4. Oh wow hon! That is so spooky! Praying those songs aligned the way they were was a sign from God that He hears you and understands what you’re going through and He’s reminding you that He’s here for you and will help you get through this. As surreal as it all must have been, I think you’re right, crying in the dark at spin class is better than crying on the couch at home alone. But no judgements if you find yourself doing that tomorrow! And know we’re ALWAYS here for you. I’ll be thinking about you and sending love your way tomorrow.

  5. Anniversaries are rough enough without the universe conspiring to press all your emotional buttons too! Well done for going to and then getting through the class despite the playlist.

  6. Go you with your bad self! Spinning is fabulous for getting some raw emotion out of your system. I think you made a tough but excellent choice. AND it gave you a blog post! It was meant to be. Give yourself a hug and keep on keepin on. xo

  7. Yes.. I’d say you got b*tch-slapped by your playlist.. 😦 I’m so sorry it’s been a year since your first loss. That’s tough. I’m pretty sure all of April is going to be a mess for me.. we were going to ultrasound after ultrasound that month and we lost our baby. 😦 I hate how all of this just takes a toll. I mean you can’t even get through a second of your day ‘on a break cycle’ without thinking about it. So sorry.. 😦

    • Thank you for understanding–it’s so much harder right now to be happy for people who are moving on when I feel “stuck”, you know? And how the hell are we supposed to “relax” when the pain of loss never really goes away, it just waxes and wanes like the moon. I keep thinking a baby will make it better–I’ve thought that “if I could just get pregnant…” for a damn year now, that maybe I could heal. People don’t f*cking get that. Well, some people do–the RPL bloggers–YOU. XOXO

  8. You got your butt up and went to that class. And then when the emotion caught up with you, you didn’t run out of the class crying…you finished it. I’d say you should feel damn impressed with yourself. I know I’m proud of you. Sending you love and a great big hug!

  9. Good job going to the class. I’m sorry for your loss. Sunday was my two year anniversary of losing baby Hope and I really tried to ignore it as well, but the emotions caught up with me as the day went on, and I was a crying mess. I went to bed just breathing a sigh of relief that the day was over. Stay strong my friend! You are doing awesome and I’m so happy to see my favorite bloggers talking about weight loss and working out as I’m doing the same thing. I loved the yoga video you posted on your workout page by the way – I can’t wait to give it a try, it looks intense!

    • Hey sweets, very sorry you’ve observed Hope’s anniversary as well 😦
      Glad you’re working out–you have been a,real diva with all the things you’ve been pursuing! I’m impressed! Give that video a shot–if you need to stop and rest during the circuit in the video, no worries! XOXO

  10. I hate days like this, when I’m having a rough time to start with but every song I hear seems to pertain to me and bring out emotions I’d rather suppress. It almost sounds like God was trying to telly you something, perhaps encourage you in some strange way. By telling you that you are stronger than you think. I am so proud of you for going to the spin class anyway and I really hope that you have been able to make amends with your father. You have just been on one heck of an emotional roller coaster this week and I pray that you will get to get off of it soon and get some very good news!! Hugs, my sweet friend!!!

    • It did feel like a message, but I just don’t know what I was supposed to get out of it? Maybe a message of strength, like you said. Dad & I are cool (but I still don’t like his girlfriend and she’s been GLUED to him)–Dad said “If you want some time with me, then just say ‘lers get a cup of coffee’ and I will ditch her to hang with you”, which was sweet of him. But I kind of wish she would spontaneously combust and take herself out of the equation.*sigh*
      Hugs back atcha momma! XO

      • Ha, ha! I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished my stepmother would spontaneously combust. LOL! This made me really laugh!!!! You are seriously funny. Try your dad out on the offer for a cup of coffee some time soon. You need some time with him!!

  11. This post is really amazing. Jaw was dropping at “steel horse.” My therapist says that this synchronicities are just a message, a communication telling us we are not alone in the universe. She calls it “validation.” And she says that there is no specific thing to do with it—to just do with it whatever you will. Because of course I am constantly talking to her about synchronicities, as they blow my mind.

    There’s something really almost eerily beautiful about this scene, you know? Crying in the dark in a spinning class, better than crying at home alone—you could write an article about this for a women’s magazine or something. (:

    But all this aside, I’m so sorry about the pain, the stupid anniversary, the maddening way all of the “lessons” and “signs” accumulate and we’re like: “Okay. I hear you. Now what?”

    The Playlist for Broken People—you are funny in your pain. That’s what I loves ’bout you.

    • Yes, you NAILED IT! “Okay, I hear you. Now what?” Exactly my thought. So how did your therapist develop this theory of synchronicities and their link to the universe? Is this a phenomenon that has been scientifically explored? Because if so then I want to read all about it! It flatters me that you think I should attempt to be published–great compliment, thanks sugatoosh 🙂 Love & Light babe. XO

      • Well, it’s funny you should ask—there are all of these books out there about synchronicity, but I’m not sure how sciency they are. However I am reading one —Wheels of Life, by Anodea Judith—and one small part of it looks at synchronicity and physics. Here are some other book titles I came across on one website:
        ” Coincidence or Destiny? Stories of Synchronicity that Illuminate Our Lives 
Phil Cousineau presents 80 accounts of “the uncanny and inexplicable ways the outer world sometimes parallels the inner world.” Here are stories by Larry Dossey, Huston Smith, Jamake Highwater, Tess Gallagher, and others.
        • Consider the Butterfly: Transforming Your Life Through Meaningful Coincidence 
As an excellent tutor in the process of paying attention to what is going on in our lives, Carol Lynn Pearson challenges us to seek synchronicity and pay attention to the wonders in our everyday lives. She writes that behind every development “is something else, something meaningful, a hidden gift.”
        • The Psychic Bible: The Definitive Guide to Developing Your Psychic Skills 
Jane Struthers presents a handy compendium of material on psychic skills and abilities. She also delves into synchronicity, coincidence, altered states of consciousness, and dreams.
        The Secret Language of Signs: How to Interpret the Coincidences and Symbols in Your Life 
Denise Linn shows us how to practice the ancient craft of interpreting the coincidences and symbols in our lives. She believes that signs can reflect our inner state of being, our spiritual development, and our understanding of our relationships.
        • The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire: Harnessing the Infinite Power of Coincidence 
Deepak Chopra encourages us to explore what happens when we come alive to the powers of attention, intention, and synchronicity. He states that “miracles streak across our consciousness every day.”
        • There Are No Accidents: Synchronicity and the Stories of Our Lives 
Psychologist Robert Hopcke explores the acausal, emotional, and symbolic aspects of synchronicities. He also challenges us to read “accidental” events for their deeper meaning.
        • Unexpected Miracles: The Gift of Synchronicity and How to Open It 
David Richo, a psychotherapist, teacher, and workshop leader, delves into meaningful coincidences as moments when destiny summons us to move on and to let go of our egos. He states the importance of “being open and hospitable to the unknown.” “

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