1. Grandma’s surgery went well, and hopefully they removed all the cancer, please God.

2. I made a pot roast.

3. I took pot roast to Grandma and she didn’t eat it but we talked and talked and talked, and when I left she had a really big smile on her face. Priceless.

4. Mr. MLACS and I fought about bills and money.

5. Mr. MLACS and I made up.

6. While we weren’t talking Mr. MLACS watched ‘Marley and Me’, which is a movie that includes a miscarriage and the death of a golden lab–saddest. movie. ever. I think it ruined his resolve to continue our fight.

7. While I was going through old bills, I found the Valentines Day card that I gave him last year. I made it by folding a piece of construction paper in half, and then cutting out two hearts and pasting them on the front–a big red heart with a little pink heart inside it. On the inside it said “Happy Valentines Day Daddy!” Because I was pregnant. With our first baby.  I can’t even describe the feeling I had when I came across this card today…it was a mix of horror, sadness, and denial–I only wish it was possible to “un-see” this card. It broke my heart all over again. F*ck. Valentines Day is permanently ruined and I don’t want to hear anymore about it. *Covers ears and sings the lamb chop song: “this is the song that never ends…” until V day is over*

8. “Myrtle” called me this afternoon and we spoke. She sounded a little nervous but for the first time in a long time I was being authentic to her (I don’t know if she ever realized I was being ‘fake’ with her these past few months). It felt good to tell her the truth about what’s been going on with me (the infertility treatments, the inevitable sadness). I told her that I didn’t want to say anything for lots of reasons…one of the words I used was “embarrassed”, which she stopped me and said “but why would you be embarrassed?” And guys, I don’t know why I’m embarrassed about being infertile. I just am. We talked about her bridal shower and the upcoming wedding, and I’m genuinely excited for her–and I’m excited for me that I’m now able to be excited for her. I hate feeling like a fake a** b*tch.

9. I haven’t heard back about the job yet. I am feeling very insecure about that. I looked for other jobs but I didn’t find anything that looked like a match. I was already spending (and saving) the hypothetical money I was going to make at this hypothetical job. Don’t you hate it when you get waaaaaaay ahead of yourself like that? I’m kicking myself.

10. I’m pretty sure that, since I’m taking this cycle off, you should ALL get pregnant this month, because the laws of the universe dictate that “If MLACS takes a month off of trying to conceive, then anyone else who is trying or even those who are not trying, shall fall pregnant by default“. So please, make sure that you are cashing in on this. You’re welcome.






30 thoughts on “Today

  1. I am so glad it sounds like your grandma’s surgery went well – I said some prayers for her lately.

    Dammit for those things we do to try to make a time special and they bite us in the ass. I’m sorry 😦

    Pot roast sounds good!

    Marley and Me is the WORST movie to watch in terms of making a person bawl like a baby. Damn!

  2. Serious suckfest on 99% of that. But definitely good to hear that your grandma’s surgery went well 🙂 Hope things start looking up for you soon. Not fair to keep getting kicked while you are down like this…

  3. Hopefully this surgery will be the last one your grandmother needs. So glad you could feel authentic with Myrtle and that you and Mr. MLACS made up. I have no plans on ever seeing Marley and Me – I don’t think I could do it. The V-Day card sounds heartbreaking 😦 I will be assisting you on increasing everyone else’s fertility while I am on BCPs this month. Many hugs to you.

  4. Big hugs to you. I’m praying for your grandma and hoping she and my dad both are cancer free now. I’m glad that your friend finally got around to calling you – I hope that your friendship gets better from this point forward and you can enjoy that again. And fingers crossed for the job! I really hope you get it – they will be missing out if they don’t choose you.

    • Thanks sweets, I appreciate your vote of confidence. I wish I could see the future right now! Alas, only time will tell about Grandma, Myrtle, and the job. Sending my prayers for your Dad as well! And of course for you, XO

  5. Sending you and your Grandma so many prayers! Glad she was in good spirits today. Still so hopeful you’ll get the job. And may you be the one who gets pregnant without trying this cycle! It’s your turn!

    • Hey lover buns, thanks for the prayers for Grandma and well wishes on the job. There’s no way in hell I’ll be knocked up this cycle, because Mr. MLACS will be outta town and I’m not planning on thawing his frozen spawn to do an IUI. If I get pregnant this month, it will be an act of God–which I would never be able to explain to my husband! Lol. XO

      • Oh! Haha, okay no immaculate conception for you. Too bad Mr. MLACS isn’t there! I feel your frustration hon. May the next cycle be THE one. It’s time!

  6. I’m glad to hear that your grandma’s surgery went well. It’s so nice that you made lunch and chatter with her. I so miss my grandparents! I hated Marley and Me. I think I’m absolutely biased but I found it really depressing. No worries, I won’t get pregnant this cycle 😉

  7. 1. I’m so happy to hear about your grandma! Such good news! 2. I made pot roast this week too! 3. I’m so glad you had that time with her. 4&5. I hate IF and the added pressures of it all. Glad you guys made up though. 6. That is the saddest movie ever. I couldn’t handle that. 7. Brought tears to my eyes..I’m so sorry. Such a heartbreaking battle. 8. I’d bet it feels good that you actually talked with her and I too, sometimes feel ashamed of IF, like it’s so easy for everyone else and I fail. 9. I’m still praying you get the job and all your little touches make a difference. 10. I like this one. Hoping we can try so I can cash in 🙂

  8. That Valentine’s card made tears spring to my eyes. Oh. That’s not okay that you found that. Poor sweetie.
    I am glad to hear about grandma, and fight-making-up and mendy-stuff with Myrtle. That will make your heart lighter.
    Embarrassed—it’s okay. We all feel embarrassed from time to time….we just want to be “normal” (whatever that is).
    I wish that jobby-job would call you already. You’re a catch, and theyr’e crazypants if they don’t hire you. You would be such a strong advocate and hard worker. XOXO

    • Sorry girl, didn’t mean to make you cry! You’re totally right about just wanting to feel ‘normal’. If they don’t hire me, I’ll assume that there’s something even better for me out there! Thanks boo. XOXO

  9. Yeah so Marley and Me us the saddest book and movie in the planet. Both reduced me to a puddle if tears. While all of this us stressful, I love you humorous and refreshing attitude!

  10. I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when she had cancer and took care of her. I am so grateful for all those moments together and it made me happy to read that when you left her, she was smiling. Praying God will heal her totally and completely. I’m sorry you had a fight with hubby, but so glad you made up. I haven’t yet seen Marley and Me and from the sounds of it, I really don’t want to. Thanks for the warning!

    I know seeing that Valentine’s Day card must have been so difficult. I’m sorry Valentine’s Day is forever ruined for you. I kind of feel the same way about my birthday because I got a faint positive on my birthday that was confirmed the very next day. I don’t think I’ll ever really like my birthday again, to tell you the truth.

    Still hoping you will get the job. Did they say when you might hear? I hate waiting! And as for “Myrtle”, she has made me very proud. I’m so glad that you had a heart to heart and were able to lay it all out on the table. I am relieved for you that you can now enjoy the wedding festivities!!!

      • As for my birthday, it is what it is, right? I’ll be okay! And you will too. Hoping your hubby will make Valentine’s Day extra special for you and that the sting of sad memories will be a little less for you. As for the job, I’m over here rooting for you, as always!! So glad to have met you on your little blog. 🙂

  11. While the logic in number 10 leaves something to be desired, it is birthed of the same kind of brain that inhabits my head, and I LOVE IT. Also, it’s really kind of you to let all of your IF sisterfriends know about this. Thank God they now have a chance to take advantage. That was incredibly thoughtful of you, because I probably would have been all like “if I’m not getting pregnant this month, I hope no one else does either.” Followed by something like “mehhh.” You are clearly a less bitter infertile than I. 😉

    • Oh no girl! I’m totally bitter. But, it’s that whole “do unto others” thing that makes me a tolerable human being and a less b*tchy infertile. And horrible guilt when I am a hypocrite–which must be avoided at all cost. Plus, I will selfishly take some degree of credit when the ladies post their BFP’s. XO

  12. Don’t worry, there’s at least ONE other IFer who will most definitely NOT be getting pregnant this month – so I got your back! LOL No pregnancy announcements from these quarters, I’m afraid. Totally agree about Marley & Me – I bawled even though I knew what was coming because I’d read the book before the movie came out. Sometimes a good cry is cathartic. The v-day card made ME want to bawl – I haven’t been quite there. My heartache comes from accidentally stumbling across some kind of baby paraphernalia – stashed all over the house, it seems, and forgotten until it accidentally comes tumbling down from behind a winter coat, a blanket, gift wrap, you name it – and then I feel resigned, defeated, and ask my husband in a meak voice whether, maybe, we should just get rid of it. To his credit – or, perhaps, impervious delusion – he always says something like “no, that’s really cute – we should definitely keep that”. I try not to cry; I know it’s totally not the same as your card and I wish I could give you a hug.

    • Alex, pain is pain–your pain is just as deep and real as mine or anyone else’s, because you are mourning the child that you don’t have. So, lets *hug*. I’m sorry you’re not planning on getting your BFP this month, because of course you deserve it! Thanks for such a heartfelt response and of course I look forward to the day that your baby items are put to good use! XOXO

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