1. Grandma’s surgery went well, and hopefully they removed all the cancer, please God.
2. I made a pot roast.
3. I took pot roast to Grandma and she didn’t eat it but we talked and talked and talked, and when I left she had a really big smile on her face. Priceless.
4. Mr. MLACS and I fought about bills and money.
5. Mr. MLACS and I made up.
6. While we weren’t talking Mr. MLACS watched ‘Marley and Me’, which is a movie that includes a miscarriage and the death of a golden lab–saddest. movie. ever. I think it ruined his resolve to continue our fight.
7. While I was going through old bills, I found the Valentines Day card that I gave him last year. I made it by folding a piece of construction paper in half, and then cutting out two hearts and pasting them on the front–a big red heart with a little pink heart inside it. On the inside it said “Happy Valentines Day Daddy!” Because I was pregnant. With our first baby. I can’t even describe the feeling I had when I came across this card today…it was a mix of horror, sadness, and denial–I only wish it was possible to “un-see” this card. It broke my heart all over again. F*ck. Valentines Day is permanently ruined and I don’t want to hear anymore about it. *Covers ears and sings the lamb chop song: “this is the song that never ends…” until V day is over*
8. “Myrtle” called me this afternoon and we spoke. She sounded a little nervous but for the first time in a long time I was being authentic to her (I don’t know if she ever realized I was being ‘fake’ with her these past few months). It felt good to tell her the truth about what’s been going on with me (the infertility treatments, the inevitable sadness). I told her that I didn’t want to say anything for lots of reasons…one of the words I used was “embarrassed”, which she stopped me and said “but why would you be embarrassed?” And guys, I don’t know why I’m embarrassed about being infertile. I just am. We talked about her bridal shower and the upcoming wedding, and I’m genuinely excited for her–and I’m excited for me that I’m now able to be excited for her. I hate feeling like a fake a** b*tch.
9. I haven’t heard back about the job yet. I am feeling very insecure about that. I looked for other jobs but I didn’t find anything that looked like a match. I was already spending (and saving) the hypothetical money I was going to make at this hypothetical job. Don’t you hate it when you get waaaaaaay ahead of yourself like that? I’m kicking myself.
10. I’m pretty sure that, since I’m taking this cycle off, you should ALL get pregnant this month, because the laws of the universe dictate that “If MLACS takes a month off of trying to conceive, then anyone else who is trying or even those who are not trying, shall fall pregnant by default“. So please, make sure that you are cashing in on this. You’re welcome.