It’s Actually Harder NOT To Try…

I’m tired. Dog tired from doing these last several months of treatments (2 months of Clomid, 1 month unmedicated, 3 months of IUI with injectables). And lets not forget that these last few months came at the tail end of the worst year of my life–2013 was ruined from start to finish by chronic illness and multiple miscarriages. Yes, I keep talking about this “horrible awful year” but it’s more to remind me than it is to remind you. My currently wonky thyroid (TSH 3.51 despite 75mcg Synthroid) is a symptom of the fact that these hormones are beating the sh*t out of my already tortured body–even if my spirit is ready to continue, my poor body would benefit from a rest. But I saw Dr. Angel today, and when I suggested that I am “damaged” and that it seemed prudent to take a cycle off, he said “Whatever you want, but we can certainly go ahead”. I was bewildered, because I really expected him to say “Give it a rest”. Of course, I’m glad that he has so much faith in me and my body. But there’s more to consider. We talked and taking this cycle off gives Dr. Angel a chance to send all my records to the RE so he can review them and have a consult with me, and while Dr. Angel is not pushing me out his door we both agree that the RE would be more aggressive and we’re both ready for me to be pregnant–whatever it takes! And it’s not like I would lose Dr. Angel as my provider–he will remain my OBGYN. But, it’s time to tap our resources and try something different. We talked and talked, about my interview and lots of other stuff that I needed to ask him about, and I know he gave me time that he didn’t have–I cannot adequately express my gratitude for the kindness and consideration he has shown me since I’ve been in his care. However, I kept waffling about the decision to take this month off…what if I don’t get this job and I’m left twiddling my thumbs? Then I’d be sorry I didn’t try. So do you know what we did? I flipped a quarter. Seriously. And it landed on ‘take this month off and and talk to the RE’–and I started to say “Best 2 outta 3” but Dr. Angel made me stick to the decision, bless his heart. We talked a little bit about religious stuff, and I told him that if he has any visions and feels I should try this month, to let me know immediately! And we hugged several times before I left the office. I can say that I got dealt a sh*tty card with my autoimmune disease(s) and reproductive challenges, but I’m super fortunate to have Dr. Angel on my side.

And here’s my test results from the most recent blood draw:
TSH: 3.51
AMH: 3.44 (down from 4.52 about 14 months ago)
ANA: NONE Detected
Ok, so you know TSH is thyroid stimulating hormone–anything below 4 is considered “normal” but a lot of people have issues even if they fall in the “normal” range–what is “normal” anyways? But in recent years it’s been proven that women should stay under 2.5 while ttc and during pregnancy, for the best outcomes. And since I’m already medicated, my TSH should be under 2, but obviously it’s not. So we upped my dose of Synthroid to 100mcg and hopefully between the increased dosage and the break from the whoremones, my TSH will fall below 2 so that I have some ‘wiggle room’ for the inevitable havoc the next round of drugs will wreak on my touchy thyroid.
AMH is anti-mullerian hormone, and it measures how many eggs you have left (it’s a hormone that is only secreted by your eggs). My AMH is actually high for my age, at 3.44, but it’s a whole point lower than it was last year, which is still a little depressing since it marks the passage of time and highlights the fact that my clock is ticking. And I maintain my incredulousness at the fact that 23 m*therf*cking viles of Bravelle only yielded TWO mature follicles in this last IUI…like, how the bloody hell??? Well, that’s something I’ll bring up to the RE.
And finally, my ANA’s were NEGATIVE! That’s awesome, because it means one of three things: either they went away on their own (doubtful), OR they were KO’d by the handful of Remicade infusions I had in the past few months, OR they were quite low and the Prednisone I’ve been taking for the past couple of weeks made them undetectable. No matter which way you slice it, the result was good! Finally, a shred of good news. Woot.
And in other news, Myrtle has made a couple different excuses why she can’t call me, but she’s been very sweet about them and I’ve been plenty busy so I’m not trippin’–I did have to text her though, about making a time to talk (and the time keeps getting postponed). I’ll let you guys know. I sent out the invites to her bridal shower today and they are super cute and I patted myself on the back for my efforts.
I also sent a thank-you note to the office I interviewed with last week, for good measure–even though I brought cookies to my second interview and ‘actions speak louder than words’, I wanted to be classy and cover all my bases. Mission accomplished. Now I’m listening to elevator music while I wait by the phone…
Hey wanna hear some good stuff? Mr. MLACS bought me new UGG boots as a surprise for Valentines Day (though he let me pick them out in the store). And we joined a really nice gym and now I can go and take all sorts of classes. I’m ready to buckle down and get in shape–so I can feel good (oh who are we kidding, it’s so that I don’t look like a cow in Myrtle’s wedding pictures. The b*tch will probly beat me to motherhood but I’ll be damned if she’s going to humiliate me by posting unflattering pictures of me all over facebook. NO.) So wish me luck on that. The only reason I haven’t posted more videos to my ‘workout videos’ page is because my living room rug that I usually exercise on is filthy since our move and I need to have it cleaned before I resume rolling around on it. But I’m calling the “rug cleaner dude” tomorrow to get that ball rolling.
And in not-so-great news, my Grandma had cancer in her lymph nodes, so she is having another surgery tomorrow to remove her lymph nodes. Please pray for Grandma Peggy that all the cancer is removed tomorrow, that it has not spread, and that she only has to do radiation after this, because she is vehemently opposed to chemotherapy.
Oh, and Mr. MLACS has to go back to work on Wednesday and he’ll be gone for three weeks this time (sad face). It’s super great that he’s beefing up his paycheck (from a Dave Ramsey perspective) but I will miss the guy and I have a feeling things will be difficult while he’s gone. But, this means he’ll be able to take off the time to go to Myrtle’s wedding with me, and that is definitely not something I’m prepared to do by myself. Mr. MLACS gets that, so he’s making it work. Love that guy.


13 thoughts on “It’s Actually Harder NOT To Try…

  1. Yay for the UGG boots! Whoo hoo!!! I wanted to tell you that a friend of mine was doing clomid and IUI but nothing. She then moved onto IVF but that failed (I was devastated for her) and so she took a month off. (She also had a disorder that would kill the baby so it couldn’t really implant, i forgot the name for that). Anyway, during that time off, she got prego naturally! After two years of treatments she got pregnant! So you just never know 🙂 You could get prego naturally and then take the money you would have spent on an RE and buy cute maternity clothes to go with the UGG boots 😉 hugs!!

  2. Well, I am still so pleased at Dr. Angel taking such good care of you. He sounds like such a good man. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that you get the job! And as for your sweet hubby getting you the UGG boots and going to the wedding with you…well, he rocks! I’ll be praying for you and your grandmother that all will go well. I know you are so worried about her. Sending lots of hugs your direction! XO

  3. Aw, I want to go on a double-date with you guys. Hubby sounds so sweet! And Dr. Angel is amazing. I’m cheering you on as you tackle the gym—I have to say the gym has changed my life and my body in ways that are nothing but good. Balloon stomach no more! I credit gym + nutribullet.
    I am praying for Grandma Peggy right now.
    And I just read your comment on my blog! Ha! I can count on you truly. xoxoxox

  4. Just started reading your story and wanted to say that although I don’t know you I think you made a wise (if random) choice to take a break. I have this spidey sense that your body was telling you it needed that break; yay for you for listening to it (albeit perhaps reluctantly – I know how hard it is to take breaks when you so desperately want to be pregnant with a bean that sticks around for a few season changes and then snuggles into your arms).

    During one of my breaks in the last year I did a cheesy but actually really grounding 21-day meditation challenge by (don’t judge me) Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. My acupuncturist put me up to it – we agreed to do it together – and I’m glad she did. Doing something that wasn’t about TTC really helped me. Maybe the gym will be your meditation challenge… or maybe you will come up with something else (or nothing – which can be good, too). Whatever happens, I really hope to see you succeed soon. You’ve been through so much.

    • That’s terribly kind of you to give such a thoughtful response! You are SO right about breaks being necessary, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. I won’t lie, I’m still waiting to hear about this job and I have no idea what I’m going to do to bring my life back into harmony–will it involve going back to work? Spin classes? Hot yoga? Resuming acupuncture? Prayer? Meditation (can I even attempt to quiet my mind–I dunno)? I think all of these are good ways to re-focus. Thank you for sharing and I likewise hope to celebrate your success soon! XO

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