I woke up yesterday from a vivid dream…I had pee’d on a stick and seen two lines, and I was shaking and crying and excitedly babbling to Mr. MLACS–I had my BFP!
I laid in bed for awhile, basking in the sunlight that was bouncing off the snow and thrusting through the cracks in our blinds–Mr. MLACS contentedly sleeping on my left, and Kitty contentedly purring on my right. I didn’t want to let that moment go–I didn’t want to leave the safety and comfort of our bed.
I was mulling over all my symptoms and my BFP dream, and thinking “I’m pregnant!”…Because:
1. I got my first ever BFP on February 4th, 2013–the day after the Super Bowl. Yesterday was February 5th, 2014. And then baby would be born in October (my feeling was earlier, closer to the end of September) and I would know that this child was one of my “gifts” from my dear departed Mother (read about that HERE).
2. My cat has been stuck to me like glue, same as he has during my other two pregnancies. He is my shadow. And he is always fighting his way onto my lap (or into the bathroom, or onto the bed, etc.).
3. I’ve had cramping–since right around 7dpo.
4. I’ve had muscle twitches, which I always get when I’m pregnant (and unfortunately moreso when I’ve miscarried). I’ve come to associate them with my thyroid being outta whack, which pregnancy always causes an immediate and semi-dramatic rise in my TSH.
5. My boobs have been ‘heavy’ but not super sore–that’s a big one. Cuz when I’m NOT pregnant they are always really sore.
6. I’m taking prednisone, which is quieting my overly aggressive immune system and making a peaceful, un-inflamed environment for my offspring.
7. It’s been nearly 6 months since my last spontaneous pregnancy, and this is my 3rd IUI in a row, so statistically it really seemed like I was due to catch a mf*ing break.
So, I pee’d on the FRER and watched for the second line…and…nothing.
I just got back into bed with Mr. MLACS and Kitty, and Mr. MLACS asked “Are you ok?” which is code for “Did you POAS and was it negative again?” And I replied “Well I’m not pregnant”–not looking at him, I couldn’t look at him–and he said “Do you want to talk about it?” And I pulled up the covers up under my chin and responded “NO”. I couldn’t…what could I even say? I was in shock. I looked at my cat and I felt betrayed by him–he misled me into thinking I was pregnant with his constant attention and affection. Another feeling was creeping up…a feeling which began to overpower my disappointment…fear. These thoughts hit me like bullets, “What is WRONG with me??? Why isn’t this working??? What if we have to do IVF?! Where will the money for IVF come from?!” I had already considered that IVF may be the way for us to go…and I have been putting in job applications for several reasons, most prominently: saving up for IVF. It is past time for me to come to terms with the idea that, although we had a spontaneous (miraculous) unplanned pregnancy just one year ago…we are suffering from infertility NOW, and we need to start planning ahead.
I called Dr. Angel to inform him that I didn’t think I was pregnant, and to ask for a blood pregnancy test as well as my: TSH, AMH, and ANA’s. I talked to him and blurted out that I had an interview tomorrow (today) but didn’t know if I might be crazy for even considering working there, because I might very well end up becoming a patient in the near future…and Dr. Angel was very encouraging and said I’d be an asset to the clinic I spoke of and he asked if I’d like him to give me a recommendation–which is quite an honor, given that he’s never even laid eyes on my resume or worked with me as a professional. And I said he needn’t do that, but I’d leave it to his discretion…OH, did I not mention where the interview was??!
The FERTILITY CLINIC that Dr. Angel has been suggesting he could refer me to. That’s where the interview was.
And today I woke up, nervous as hell, shaking in my boots…trying to figure out how I would navigate the interview without divulging all my personal experiences with infertility–I mean, it would be one thing if I had already beat infertility and had a kid and could call myself a ‘success story’. But who wants to hire somebody that is obviously trying to conceive? Knowing what an emotional toll infertility treatments take on a woman, who wants to hire a woman in the throes of infertility? And what’s more, what if they are looking for a simpleton who is just going to do their job and go home–I know too much–I have STRONG feelings about the care that couples going through infertility treatments should receive–what if they don’t want that? What if they don’t want someone who’s passionate and dying to soak up every drop of medical knowledge that can be gleaned from working in an infertility clinic? What if they think I’m just looking for discounted IVF? I decided that I would feel out the situation and judge whether or not I felt confident enough (or crazy enough) to share my own struggles–which really are the only logical way to explain my working knowledge of infertility and treatments. I felt so perplexed, I had to stop and breath a couple times while doing my hair and make-up, as the things I wanted to say swirled through my head, and the voice of reason kept saying “NO! Don’t you dare tell them anything about it! Fool!”
And Mr. MLACS dropped me off at the clinic, and I was early so I waited a few minutes, but then the lady came to get me…
We talked for awhile about my work experience and how I’ve come to be where I am today. Why I’m interested in working there…which I tried to ‘dance around’ without saying “Because I’m obsessed with infertility!” Then she asked me how I know Dr. Angel (my eyes got big because I didn’t know he had spoken with them already) and I took a deep breath, and said “Well, I’m a patient of his. And I don’t know if he might have mentioned it, but I’m just going to be honest and tell you that I have just failed my 3rd IUI with injectables. I am struggling to have a baby.” And I had to stop and fan my face because the tears began to well up and I flatly refused to cry during a f*ing interview. But I shook it off and said “I was conflicted about coming here today, because I may well need to become a patient at this clinic, and I’m not sure that is something you’re looking for–an employee that is also a client. But I can tell you, that I would only give these women the care that I would want for myself, and I have great compassion and respect for what these couples are going through.” And she smiled. Because Dr. Angel had indeed informed them of my infertility–and I’m SO glad he did. It was a blessing to be able to be up front about it. They also said he spoke highly of me, which makes me really proud. And do you believe that they said “Well you wouldn’t be the first employee we’ve had as a patient”?! Like, no big deal.
But this IS a big deal. I want to assure you, that I would never ever ever blog about any of my patients (even with pseudonyms). I will never ever offer medical advice (based on things I might learn at the clinic–I’m not a doctor). I will never say what clinic I work for (for my own protection and because it would be wrong to funnel patients into a practice I work for by saying good things or detract clients by saying negative things). Basically, from here on out, I can’t say anything about it. And, if I did do an IVF cycle with them, I don’t know as I’d be able to talk about that–because what if somebody puts it all together and says “Oh you MUST be at the clinic I go to!” And I would not be trolling through blogs trying to figure out if someone might be a patient where I work, because that’s just not my style at all. I’ve even considered going ‘private’ with my blog if I got the job. I’ve already said too much, but I just had to share this with you guys because this is what I believe in my heart:
God never closes a door without opening a window
Which is kind of like saying that you have to look for the silver lining in everything, but then again not exactly. What it really is, is that if you follow your heart and have the courage and conviction to walk your path even in the darkest of times (doors closing), then you will end up where you’re supposed to be (windows opening), and you’ll have peace in your heart knowing that this is where you belong, even if it’s not where you had intended to go and not how you intended to get there. I love the medical profession because I love to learn and I love to help people. And I want to have a baby. So maybe, God is going to let me do all of that–AND let me help other people have babies. And would I be here if I hadn’t had 2 miscarriages and 3 failed IUI’s? No, I would not. For the first time in a long time, I have the ‘butterflies’ I’ve spoken about in my previous post (the one I already linked in this post).
But I haven’t got the job yet. I’m putting my best foot forward. I’ve even baked cookies to bring to my second interview (and also some to thank Dr. Angel–he’s my angel). Pray for me please.
Also, don’t get it twisted. While the excitement of the job opportunity is carrying me across the threshold of grief about failed IUI #3, I am deeply saddened that this was not my time. I have cried a couple of times, once lamenting to Mr. MLACS who said and did all the right things (bless his heart). But I can feel there are feelings underneath the surface, a knot in my stomach, a twitch in the corner of my eye–there is a storm brewing.
Oh! And when I called to get my beta today, I asked about my other test results…my TSH has catapulted up to 3.51, and at last draw it had crept up from 1.9 to 2.3, even though I’m on 75mcg of Synthroid. This is VERY bad news. I know it has everything to do with my hormones fluctuating, but this does not bode well for me getting and staying pregnant–with my body revolting via my thyroid. And see, I thought everything was under control. Ha. I have an appointment to speak with Dr. Angel about how to proceed, and I’m not sure it’s wise to do IUI #4 with my thyroid this messed up. And I have to b*tch a little bit–the nurse didn’t tell me my value, she just said “Your thyroid is ‘normal'”, and I know that TSH < 4 is considered "normal", but when ttc your TSH should stay under 2.5, and mine really shouldn't even be that high given that I'm on meds. I kind of freaked out on her and was like "OMG 3.5 is NOT NORMAL when you're trying to conceive!" And she's like, "Ok, calm down". And I'm sure that Dr. Angel would've reviewed it himself and caught that but I'm sure he hadn't seen it yet so I'm sure it wouldn't have fallen through the cracks. But I want to know why this is happening and to what degree it's affecting my ability to conceive, and how to STOP it. Why is my thyroid SO corrupt in the absence of anti-thyroid antibodies?! See, and this is why my blog is called 'My Life As A Case Study'.